Waters Fall (24 page)

29

Jake lay listening to her breathing, waiting for an
answer, then sighed when he realized he wouldn’t get one. She obviously hadn’t heard him before she drifted off, or she simply wasn’t ready for that question.

But he wanted an answer. He
needed
one as he lay there in the dark, holding his wife the way he used to when he didn’t have to ask her if she loved him.

How sweet this was, being here with her, but how messy, how muddy, how uncertain. He knew tomorrow was coming just as it always did, and he knew the stark reality of day would completely unmask the slippery promises of night. He knew she
’d soon be too well to put off making decisions about their future. He didn’t want to think about tomorrow; only now, this moment, with her in his arms where she belonged.

He
’d met with Pastor Rob a week ago, before asking Nora if she’d go with him. The man had agreed that it would be best if she came, too, to go ahead and ask her to join them, but for Jake not to get his hopes up.

“You need to understand something. Nora isn’t firing off a warning shot. She’s been doing that for years. Son, this is
the real thing. Your marriage probably won’t survive this cannon blast.”

The pastor leaned forward in his seat and put a hand on Jake
’s knee. “Your job now is not to try to win the battle. Your job is to get home alive. That means getting on your knees, Jake. That means working on you. You need to stop worrying about her, stop asking questions, stop wondering if she’ll stay or go, and you need to get back to the dock where you can be rebuilt and restored by the Master Shipbuilder. You have to let Nora go.”

Jake shook his head, resistant to what he was hearing.
“But how am I supposed to just accept all of this? How could she do this to us? She doesn’t even act like she’s done anything wrong. In fact, she makes me feel like this is
my
fault!”

“This is exactly what I’m talking about. You are wasting time trying to figure out how to change her, how to make sense of the way she thinks and behaves. All you can do is
choose to change you, and you must let the Lord do that, because you, Jake, will fail miserably.”

“But I’m not the one out there screwing around, she is! She’s the one that needs to change, not me. The
least she could do is acknowledge what she’s done. She won’t even talk to me about it! She won’t tell me anything about him. I want to know
why.
I want to know what was so wonderful about this guy that was worth destroying our family for. I want to
know
!” Jake beat a fist on his chest to emphasize his point.

Pastor Rob was silent for several moments while Jake
’s words tumbled in the air between them, and the longer no one spoke, the more petulant the words sounded. Jake hung his head and asked again, his voice cracking with vulnerability. “Don’t I deserve to know what I’m up against?”

“It wouldn’t change anything. It still happened. You’re still where you are today, no matter what this guy looks like, sounds like, acts like, no matter what they did together, and no matter why. You can’t change any of that, or any of Nora’s part in it. All you can do is change you today, and you
tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. If Nora chooses to come back, then we can talk about what you can expect from her, and what she can expect from you. Until then, you can only work on you.”

“Argh!
That just doesn’t seem fair! Besides, what if I don’t want her back?” Jake knew he sounded childish, but the man was making unrealistic demands on him.

“Do you want your wife to come home, Jake?” Pastor Rob cut right to the chase.

“Actually, no. Yes. Not really, not the way she is now.” He paused for a moment, then his shoulders fell. “I don’t know. I think I do.”

“Then you need to work on becoming someone she wants to come home to. You need to get back to the Shipbuilder and have him restore you, put you back together with new parts. That’s the only way to get through this, do you hear?”

“How do I do that?” Jake felt beat up, knocked down, and overwhelmed.

“I have four rules you must follow. Only four, but they’re tough.” He said it like he thought Jake might not be man enough to handle them.

“What are they?” Jake asked sullenly.

“Rule Number One. You ready?” Jake nodded. “Pray. Start on your knees. Get up in the morning, and before you do anything else, get on your knees and pray. Ask God to direct your footsteps, your hands,
your mouth. Do it in secret, not where everyone can see you, but in private, where you can speak freely and openly with God. And when you pray, don’t complain about Nora. In fact, don’t mention her at all except to pray blessing over her. No exceptions. Can you do that?”

“No.” He thought it was a stupid rule. He couldn’t even talk to God about Nora’s betrayal?

“Good.” Pastor Rob continued as though Jake had readily agreed. “Because they only get harder. Second rule. No sex.”

“What?” Jake sat up a little straighter.

“No sex. No sex with Nora, or anyone else for that matter. This is not a competition, and her unfaithfulness does not give you permission to go and do the same. No masturbation. No pornography. No sex of any kind.”

“I don’t want to be with her anyway. She disgusts me.”

Pastor Rob nodded noncommittally, then continued. “Number Three. Get—”

“Wait a minute,” Jake interrupted, holding up a hand. The pastor nodded patiently, as though he’d expected Jake to argue.
“For how long?”

“For how long what?”
Pastor Rob raised his eyebrows.

“How long?
How long do I have to deprive myself of sex?” Jake wasn’t so sure he was okay with Rule Number Two after all. “And what about Nora? Does she have to go without, too?”

“Deprive yourself, Jake?” Rob’s voice was quiet, but there was no criticism or rebuke in his tone. Jake heard how self-serving and ugly it sounded anyway. “Are you sleeping with her now?”

“No.” Jake looked down at his hands. “No,” he said again, shaking his head.

“Have you slept with her since finding out about her affair?”

“No,” he responded too quickly, then admitted the truth. “Well, actually, yes. A few times. But it’s been a while since the last time.” He didn’t meet the pastor’s eyes. “It was just…just release, you know? Sexual tension. It wasn’t because I wanted her.”

“Did you force her to have sex with you? Manipulate her in any way? Punish her? Rape her?”

“No! No way! I’m not that kind of a guy! I would never do that to anyone, especially not my wife!” Jake felt the flush creep up his torso, and his heart began to race. What would make him ask a question like that? Had Nora talked to him already?

“I see. So let me get this straight.” Pastor Rob pressed his fingertips together, and pursed his lips as if contemplating
some universal mystery. “You used your wife’s body for self-gratification, even though she disgusts you, but you aren’t the kind of guy who would rape her. I don’t know, Jake.” He shook his head, not convinced. “It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. But then, that’s why I’m giving you Rule Number Two. When it comes to sex, it is impossible to not get it tangled up with emotions, especially betrayal and anger. A man’s anger can blind him, particularly to his own actions. I wonder what Nora would answer if I asked her the same question.”

Jake had nothing to say, but tried anyway.
“Go ahead and ask her. I don’t care. I don’t rape.” He only ended up embarrassing himself.

Pastor Rob held up both hands to make Jake stop speaking.
“You don’t have to defend yourself, Jake. I’m not asking for that. I’m asking you to commit to taking sex out of the relationship for a while so you can look at what’s left over a little more objectively. Let’s agree on one month, okay? Four weeks, can you do that?”

“Four weeks?” Jake grimaced. It had only been two months since learning of her affair, and he found his body reacting to her all the time. He tried to convince himself that he was repulsed by her, and when he thought about the whole situation, he was. Even so, his revulsion rarely overruled his physical desire for her. Then he ended up disgusted with himself, too.

“Four weeks. And then we determine if you need to go longer.”

“I’m not sure I understand why, though. She’s my wife. The Bible says her body is mine, and mine is hers, and that we’re supposed to give them to each other so we don’t get tempted into sin.”

“Ah, yes. The Bible does say that, doesn’t it? But like so many who read that and misuse it to demand their conjugal rights—is there such a thing?—you’re not getting the big picture. A marriage license isn’t a license for carnality, even if it is just between the two spouses. Just because both husband and wife agree to watch porn together doesn’t make it right. This passage isn’t talking about your right to own and have access to your wife’s body. It’s talking about giving of yourself to the one you love in a way that’s pleasing to the Lord, in a way that builds one another up. So, answer me this. Do you feel like the sex you’re having with your wife right now is wholesome and pleasing to the Lord? Do you believe it’s the way God designed it to be, or do you think that perhaps it’s carnal, and self-serving, and motivated by lust and anger and lack of self-control? Do you think—”

“Okay, okay. I get it. Wow. I’m totally screwed up.” Jake dropped his head in his hands. “Four weeks it is. What kind of torture is Rule Number Three?”

Pastor Rob chuckled sympathetically. “Rule Number Three. Get a job.”

“I have a job.” He hated how defensive he sounded.

“Okay. Let me rephrase that. Get a job that makes you some money. And before you respond to that,” Pastor Rob held up his hand, palm out, stopping the words that were erupting from Jake’s mouth. “Let me explain where I’m coming from.” He picked up the worn, leather-bound Bible from his desk and opened it before reading from it.

“In
his first letter to Timothy, this is what Paul says in chapter 5, verse 8.
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
” The pastor turned the Bible around so Jake could read it himself.

It burned, seeing those words in front of him. He was working so hard at making things happen, but it just hadn
’t panned out into any money yet. Did that mean he wasn’t providing for his family, though? The fact that he was
there
for them was so much more than many men gave their families. And he still believed his business would take off at some point; he just hadn’t reached that point yet.

“It doesn’t matter what it is, Jake. Find work that pays, even if it’s not enough to pay all the bills. Start looking as soon as you leave my office.” Pastor Rob’s voice brooked no
argument.

Jake
’s eyes skimmed the page, trying to find anything around verse 8 that would support his stance. When he read back two verses, the burning turned to molten lava in his veins. “Wait. What about
this?
What about what
she’s
doing?” He jabbed his finger at the page, then sat back in his chair, his hands clenched on his knees. He wanted to leap up and punch something; the wall, the door, even the man in front of him for being so calm.

“
But she who gives herself to wanton pleasures is dead even while she lives.”
Pastor Rob read the verse out loud.

“Yes! According to the great and migh
ty apostle Paul, my…wife is a walking dead woman.” Jake choked on the word, his mind tormenting him with visions of her giving herself to wanton pleasures in someone else’s bed.

“You’re right, Jake. However, you’re not here to fix Nora. You’re here to work on you. This brings us to my fourth rule.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Jake leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and dropped his head into his hands, shoving his fingers through his already disheveled hair. He wasn’t sure what he was referring to; that he didn’t want to hear the sounds his mind was conjuring up, or that he didn’t want to hear what Pastor Rob might say next.

“Pay attention to this, son.”
The man waited, and finally Jake looked up at him.

“I’m all ears,” he muttered, sullen and defeated. This was not going at all the way Jake had thought it would. He’d come here needing someone to tell him he was right, that he was the good guy, and he deserved to be angry. He thought Pastor Rob would at least call Nora out, demand she come see him. Sure, Jake knew he had some things to work on, but so did she.

For some reason, though, he was pretty sure this last rule wasn’t going to have anything to do with her.

He was wrong.

“You must protect Nora’s reputation at all cost. Do not speak of this to anyone without prayerful consideration. Do not discuss this situation with anyone who will not respect both you and Nora, and hold your confidences sacred. If you are serious about even the possibility of a restored marriage, then you will do all that is in your power to protect your wife’s name. In a full-circle way, you will also be protecting yourself and your future. If you go spouting off and badmouthing Nora, if you air all your hurt and pain and anger to the world, she will know that you are not safe, and she will have no reason to come home to you. Do you understand me, Jake? Do you realize how important this is?”