Wanted (9 page)

“I'd eat it, too. Well, as long as I didn't have to cook it.”

“Don't worry, Anna. No one would ask you to.”

They laughed again, barely catching their breath before Anna would mention another funny story about one of the guests.

Impulsively, Katie reached out and hugged her hard. “I'm so glad you came.”

“Me, too.” As the sense of true warmth and friendship
flowed through them, Anna's eyes widened in alarm. “Oh my goodness, we got so busy talking about things, I almost forgot to give you this.” She pulled a white envelope out of her patchwork tote bag.

From the moment she recognized the handwriting, Katie felt dizzy. “Where did you get this? Did it come to the house? To the inn?”

“No. It was left at McClusky's store. Sam handed it to Henry and me the other day.”

Obviously Holly was still determined to talk to her. Why? It just didn't make sense. When she noticed Anna studying her carefully, Katie did her best to act nonchalant. “Well, thank you for delivering this. I'll
uh,
read it later.”

“Huh?”

Katie felt her cheeks heat. Even to her own ears her words sounded stilted and awkward. “I'm sure it's nothing important. Thank you—”

Before Katie could reach for the envelope, Anna set it on the counter. “Enough with games. Henry said this was the second envelope you've received. What is going on?”

Struggling to keep her voice even and true, Katie said, “Nothing. I received a letter, Anna, not a bomb.”

“I know something's going on. No one receives letters at a store.”

“The Amish—”

“Don't ‘Amish' me,” Anna retorted crisply. “I may struggle with a lot of things, but like Winnie, I am no dunce. You have a mailbox. There's got to be a reason you're not receiving letters here at home. Tell me what is going on. Let me help you.”

Shame, and the pure petrifying worry of what was in the letter, kept Katie from divulging all. Her past troubles were her own problems to bear—no one else's. “I am having some…difficulty, but it's nothing you can help me with.”

“What kind of difficulty? And why wouldn't I be able to help you?”

“You wouldn't understand.”

“Of course I would. Katie, I lived most of my life in the outside world and seen some shady sides of it.” With a look of amusement, she added, “I've seen more hours of daytime television that you can imagine. Believe me, there's nothing you could say that would shock me.”

Perhaps that was right. But Anna had one thing Katie never had—an openness about her. Katie always preferred to look as perfect as possible to the people in her community. By doing that, she was able to keep her private struggles to herself. And the plain truth was that there was nothing Anna could do to help her, anyway. She had made the mistakes. She was the one who had hurt people. Therefore, it was up to her to solve the problem. “I'm not ready to discuss it.”

Anna stepped right through her fragile barrier and pushed some more. “Won't you at least tell me who is writing you?”

“It doesn't matter. You wouldn't know her.”

Anna grabbed hold of the clue. “Why wouldn't I? Sam said she looks desperate. Why do you think that is? What does she want? How did you meet her?”

The panic was back. Engulfing. “I meant…I meant…
oh, stop, Anna! There's no reason for you to be involved.”

“I care about you. I see how worried you are. That's reason enough for me to be involved.” Reaching out for Katie, she gripped her arm. “So it's an English girl writing you?”

“Anna, I would rather not discuss it.”

“Where did you meet her? At the general store? At Mr. McClusky's?”

“No.”

“Where then? At the inn?”

“Let's not speak of it, please.”

“But I'm confused. Katie, we used to write to each other all the time. I've also seen you chat with any number of
Englischers
at the inn. It seems strange that these letters you are receiving are bothering you so much. Who do you not want to speak to? Why does this woman not even know where you live?”

“I'd rather not say.”

“Katie, I promise that you'll feel better if you let someone else share your burden.”

“Anna—”

But still Anna fired off another question. “Are you worried someone wants to do you harm? Is it safe for you to be alone?”

As much as she hated to shoo away her visitor, Katie resolutely walked to the kitchen door and lifted Anna's coat off the peg. Having Anna involved would not solve Katie's problems and only bring a lot of new ones to Anna.

And no matter what she had done so far, at least she hadn't brought trouble into her friend's life. Anna didn't
deserve that. No one did. Taking care to keep her expression blank, she said, “Thank you for stopping by and for delivering the letter. Thank you, also, for offering to help so much with the services.”

“You're welcome. And, I'll share the news about you hosting with your mother, though I imagine she's most likely heard about it by now. Irene seems to know everyone and everything around here.”

Katie knew that was almost true. “When Jonathan brings the wagon with the benches, dishes, tablecloths, and such, I'll look forward to your help.”

“You can count on it.” Reluctantly, Anna stood up. “Pushing your problems away doesn't solve anything, you know. They'll still be there until you face them. I know that more than anyone.”

Anna shook her head. “I tell you, no one would ever guess how stubborn you really are, Katie. You look so sweet and innocent.” With a small smile, she said, “Promise me you'll let me help you the moment you are ready to talk.”

Katie liked how Anna phrased her offer. It reminded Katie that Anna knew about keeping secrets and not always feeling able to share them. “I'll see you soon.”

“Hold on. I could visit you tomorrow?”

“We both have work to do, Anna. I'll see you soon.”

“But—”

Katie practically shut the door on her friend. “I'm sorry,” she whispered to the thick wooden frame. “I'm sorry but I just couldn't take another question.”

But more than that, she just couldn't make herself lie anymore.

Her body shuddered. She felt out of breath, like she'd just run a long distance in the cold. Yes, that was what her body felt like—frozen.

Outside the door, Katie heard Anna talk to Stanley, her buggy horse. She couldn't help but smile at her friend's chatter. Anna was truly determined to treat her buggy horse like a pet.

Still the letter waited.

Time had proven that pushing things off to the side didn't make things go away. No, it just delayed what was bound to happen. With thick fingers, she tore open the letter.

This time only a few hastily written words greeted her.

WHY DIDN'T YOU MEET ME? Katie, this is important. I won't go away. Meet me at the Brown Dog on Sunday. Please.

I won't go away.

That was a threat, indeed. It also sounded much like a fact. For whatever reason Holly had, she was not going to give up or give in. And unfortunately, she felt very sure that Holly did intend to find her. After all, what did Holly have to lose?

Katie had so much to lose. After she'd spent one agonizing night thinking about how her life would be if she never joined the order, Katie had made the decision to tell everything to Holly and Brandon and never see them again.

After Holly had gone between tears and anger, and Brandon had simply stared at her in shock, Katie had gone home and tried to be the person her mother had raised her to be. If all the truth came out—about how close she'd
come to giving everything up for Brandon—Katie felt like she'd lose everything she was and everything she'd tried so hard to be.

And what about Jonathan? Would he not want a woman like that raising his girls? Perhaps every hope she'd had for a life with Jonathan would vanish into thin air.

It was impossible to think of. It was all she could think about.

Feeling dizzy and sick, Katie rushed to the door and scrambled outside. Ready to share the awful note with Anna after all.

Ready to accept help.

To seek advice. To tell someone—anyone—all about everything she'd done and every horrible choice she'd made.

How she'd taken advantage of Holly's friendship. How she'd let Brandon imagine she returned his feelings. How she'd lied to her family because she enjoyed Brandon's admiration. But as she looked for Anna's buggy and prepared to call out to her to stop, her heart lodged in her throat.

Anna had already left. Once again, Katie knew she was all alone.

All day Jonathan had looked forward to the moment he could come home from work and relax in the comfort of his own home. But as he entered the living room and eyed Katie's gently curving shoulders and pale neck bent over a bit of sewing, he felt his face heat up.

Oh, Katie affected him so.

In fact, every time he heard her voice or spied a bit of her pretty form, he could feel himself becoming tongue-tied and the muscles in his shoulders starting to bunch. No matter how hard he tried to not be different around Katie, things were out of his hands. The plain truth was that he fancied her. He couldn't help himself.

And that wasn't right. He had no need to marry again, well, beyond his girls needing a new mother. But that didn't seem like a sound reason in the long run. Jonathan
didn't plan on being married to a woman he wasn't sure he could love.

And fact was, he wasn't sure if he was capable of loving again. Did the Lord desire a man to do such things? His will was a mystery to Jonathan.

Yes, his feelings about Katie most certainly did not make sense. Surely if he was meant to marry again, it would be to a woman not so different from his first wife.

Someone not so terribly young and fresh and merry.

Though, perhaps he didn't need a copy of Sarah, after all.

Things with Sarah had been rocky at times, that was the truth. Her sharp tongue had cut his feelings more than a time or two. Their union hadn't been all that he had hoped it to be. His efforts to hide their strained relationship had been a surprise, as well. Jonathan had always prided his honesty and forthrightness. He'd thought those two qualities were integral to the type of man he was. But during those last months with Sarah, he'd been a master of doublespeak and avoidance.

Even his
gut
friend Eli had commented on it one evening when they'd been raking gravel for the church services. “What is going on with you, Jonathan?” he'd ask time and again. “You seem so quiet and blue. How can I help?”

But instead of seeking Eli's advice and assistance, Jonathan had brushed him off. He'd been too embarrassed about the state of his marriage. Too ashamed that he wasn't happier.

Now, though, Jonathan realized that in spite of his intentions, his heart and head were thinking about compan
ionship again with a certain blue-eyed woman. Every time she smiled, he imagined a life with her. Every time she laughed, he'd find himself dreaming about the possibility of not being alone night after night, with only his shadow for company.

But was Katie Brenneman the answer? Part of him thought she could be. Katie had a sunny nature which encouraged him to smile. He liked the way she treated others and how she was just bossy enough so as he wouldn't be tempted to run roughshod over her.

She also had a winsome way he found as beguiling as anything he'd ever come in contact with. It made him want to protect her and keep her safe.

Though he was not anxious to admit it, he liked how she did not always bend to his will. She stood up to him, but not in that brash way Sarah used to. No, it was more Katie's way to listen to him, then state her reasons for wanting things differently.

She was a surprisingly good negotiator, that Katie.

In spite of himself, he smiled. As every day passed, Jonathan found himself becoming more eager to see her. Every morning when she made him breakfast, it was becoming harder and harder not to admire the way she moved about the kitchen so competently.

Not to notice how pretty her skin was when the morning light shined on her just so. How her clothes smelled of lemons and her eyes were bluer than a fresh spring iris.

But in spite of his awareness of her, he still found himself to be at a loss for words around her. Part of him wanted to encourage her attentions, to show her that he welcomed
them. But old hurts from his past would curb his tongue.

Now he worried that his distant manner had wiped out any feelings she'd previously had for him. Would she now even want such a man as himself? Someone so much older than she? Katie was twenty, while he was twenty-eight. Eight years was a fair difference. Perhaps she would notice his age over time.

He'd also noticed how she had tried to please him. She'd taken to making applesauce bread when he'd commented how much he liked it. But, had he even attempted to praise her cooking skills? He doubted he had—sometimes when he looked at her, all thoughts would run from his head and it would take all he had just to remain in the same room with her.

Fact was, from the time he could remember, people had commented on Katie's fair beauty, both in looks and in spirit. While it was true rumors had circulated about her running-around years and how she'd been a bit too wild, Jonathan had long since pushed those stories off. Gossip seemed to be inevitable in their small community. No, Katie Brenneman was a fair faultless woman, and therefore, most certainly not the type of woman for him.

The only remedy he could think of for his preoccupation was to keep away from her. He decided to do just that, and began edging backward out the doorway. Perhaps he could read through
The Budget
again. There might be some article or bit of news he'd overlooked the first time he'd read it through.

Or he could work some in the barn. He'd neglected the
tack room something awful lately. Blacky's bridles could use a good oiling.

“Jonathan, please don't go.”

Caught, he froze. “Hello, Katie.
Gut-n-owed
.”

“Good evening to you, too.”

Something in her voice was different. High strung. Concerned, he stepped forward in spite of himself. “Are you needing something?”

“No, it's not that.” She treated him to a ghost of a smile. “I just—well, I was alone all day and now the girls are asleep. Want to come in here and sit for a bit?”

He did not. What would he have to say to her that she would find interesting? What would she do if she caught him staring at her, like a young boy?

She nibbled on her lower lip. “I won't keep you too long. I promise.”

He couldn't refuse such an offer. “All right.”

Katie was a near wonder—he'd feel bad if he didn't try to nod to her wishes at least a little bit. He moved forward and hesitantly sat in the large rocking chair across from her. “Are you warm enough?”

The fire was roaring, and she'd even thoughtfully laid a crocheted afghan along the back of his chair. “I'm comfortable. This room has become mighty cozy, don'tcha think?”

The room had never looked so inviting. But if he admitted that, it would shame Sarah's memory. Wouldn't it? “The fire is warm.”

Something faded in her expression. Raising her chin,
she tried again. “That rocking chair there is a fine piece of furniture. Have you had it long?”

He paused to rub the soft, buttery wood under his arm. “
Jah
. My
daadi—my grandfather
—made this chair soon after he and my
mammi
Leonna married.”

“What kind of wood is it? Oak?”

“Oak,
jah
. But it's stained a fair shade.” Remembering Sarah's criticisms of it, he mumbled, “Some think it's a bit too dark.”

“It's beautiful. I've taken to rocking in it when the girls come home and want to read with me.”

The homey bit of information brought forth inviting visions of the way he'd always envisioned his life being. Of security and comfort at home. Of his house being more than it was now—a shell of a place. “Mary and Hannah enjoy sitting with you, Katie. You've done much to help them.”

“I like being with them.”

“They can tell. You are so…so chatty.” Jonathan closed his eyes as he felt his cheeks burn yet again.
Chatty?
For goodness' sake!

But to his great surprise, Katie acted as if he'd just given her the greatest of compliments. She laughed. “I know I'm too chatty! Henry has told me more than once that I am too talkative by half. It's a failing of mine, to be sure.”

“We don't think so.” Jonathan felt the blood rush to his face once more. Would she notice that he'd included himself in the compliment?

Hesitantly, Katie ventured, “To be honest, I miss my family.”

Like glass breaking, the tender moment was shattered.
“I'm sorry—but it's only for a short time that you will be here.” Somehow he knew the place was going to seem even emptier than it had felt before Katie, with her bright blue eyes and winsome demeanor claiming every corner.

She blinked. “No, that isn't what I meant at all. I was going to say that I miss the way my family gathers together in the evenings. We read or quilt or knit. It's a very pleasant time.”

Jonathan didn't know if he could sit with her in the same room for hours on end. With nothing to occupy himself except for the distraction of her smile and the girls. “I've never been much for reading anything besides
The Budget
.”

“We could do other things.” Eagerly she looked around. “We have puzzles at the inn. I could bring over one of those. Once Henry and I completed a two-thousand-piece jigsaw. It took us weeks!”

Just the image of sitting next to her, putting pieces together side by side made his throat feel dry. “I don't have—”

“Or any kind of game?”

He could see he was not about to get out of her suggestion so easily. “I'll do some thinking about that.”

To his surprise, Katie chuckled. Intrigued, he asked, “What is so funny?”

“You are!
Of course
you are going to have to think about things, Jonathan. You do everything slow. As slow as molasses.”

That sounded mighty critical. Stung, he said, “There's nothing wrong with takin' my time.”

“There's nothing wrong with walking backward, either,” she said with another chuckle. “I'm just surprised that you never want to shake things up a bit.”

“My life has been shook enough, Katie.”

All merriment fled from her face. “Oh! Jonathan, wait! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Surely you know I was only joking?”

Embarrassment made his tone sharp. “My feelings are not hurt.” And how could he even imagine telling her if they were? She'd probably laugh even more!

“So, please stay for a bit. We have much to discuss…to plan for the service.”

“We've already planned most everything,
jah
? Eli and Henry will help me prepare the outside so there will be plenty of room for all the buggies and horses. They're also going to help with a path to the basement door. You said you had the menu in hand.”

“I do, but I'm still worried.”

“Many hands will make quick work of it all.” To his surprise, he found himself speaking gently with her, like he would to Mary.

Like Mary, she responded to his encouragement. Sitting up a little straighter, she nodded. “You're right, Jonathan. Many hands will help. Yesterday afternoon the girls and I swept the basement well and washed the walls. Things already look better.”

“The wagon with the oak benches will come tomorrow. Several men are going to help me unload them and carry them inside. Then, together, we'll wipe down everything until it shines.”

She frowned. “It's too bad it's winter. I always enjoy the services when they are in a barn and we get to eat outside.”

Almost naturally, he sought to calm her fears. “This will be nice, as well, Katie. Don't worry so. Plus, everyone knows our circumstances and will not judge too harshly if everything is not as perfect as it could be. You can't help that Winnie is gone and the Barrs had to cancel.”

Her blue eyes sparkled. “I'll try to remember that.
Um,
how is Ruth, by the way? Did she recover from surgery all right?”

“I stopped at McClusky's for some supplies and heard the latest. Ruth did fine and now she is hoping for a lot of ice cream.”

“I do love ice cream. It almost makes me wish I had a reason to enjoy a steady supply of it.”

She liked ice cream? That was an easy enough way to make her smile. And, well, she was doing so much for him—it was the least he could do in return, right? “I'll bring you home some tomorrow, if you'd like.”

To his pleasure, Katie blushed. “Oh. Well, thank you.”

“Any special flavor you like?”

“Strawberry?”

“I like strawberry, too.” Just as he was about to close his eyes in frustration—he sounded terribly young and foolish—Katie smiled. He felt her regard to his toes. Perhaps Katie and he might one day have a future, after all.

Reaching into a large basket, she pulled out the latest edition of
The Budget
. “Would you like to read for a bit? We don't have to talk anymore if you'd rather not.”

At that moment, Jonathan trusted his eyes to focus on the paper instead of his tongue to say the right words. “I…yes. I'd like to sit here and read with you. If only for a bit.”

“Only for a bit is fine with me.”

As the glow from the kerosene lamps mixed with the glow from the fire, the room became illuminated in warmth. A sense of calmness filtered through the air, mixing with the apple-scented candle and igniting his senses.

Finally Jonathan was able to admit to himself that this was the scene he'd always pictured in his mind, the type of moment he'd always wished he and Sarah had had more of.

After years of wishing for companionship, years of resigning himself to a lifetime of being alone, Katie Brenneman was showing him that there was still time to find love again.

She was someone he could trust his heart to. And that knowledge was incredible, indeed.