Wanted (16 page)

When she was done, her mother crossed her hands over her chest and beamed. “These stories you shared tell me everything I need to know. I'm happy for you, Katie.”

But Katie couldn't let her mother think everything was fine. There was a darkness looming over her. Katie was sure things couldn't stay this way. Something was going to happen. Her past was going to be discovered and Jonathan wouldn't want her anymore. “
Jah
, I've had some special times with Jonathan, that is true.”

“So why do you hesitate?”

“He didn't tell me he loved me. I'm afraid he doesn't really know me, Maam. I'm afraid he thinks I'm better than I am.”

Instead of looking shocked her mother merely nodded. “
Ah.
You are thinking about your actions during your
rumspringa
?”

She couldn't lie. “I am.”

“I thought you'd worked those things out.”

“I had thought I had, too, but maybe not. I made mistakes,
Maam.
”

“I know.”

“And…I thought just being with Jonathan was enough. But now I realize that I want his love, too.”

“I've seen him gaze at you when he thought no one was looking. There's feelings there, I think.”

Still ignoring the many bowls and measuring cups, her mother stood up and put the kettle on. As Katie watched her efficiently make two cups of tea, she marveled at her mother's self-assured manner. Was she ever going to become so confident?

Returning to the table, her mother set the two cups down. “Marriage to Jonathan is something that you've always wanted. Love is, too. In my heart I think you may
find both with him. Give it time, Katie. In time you and Jonathan will find your way.” With a tender smile, she said, “Katie, you know, I just realized that you never told me what you said.”

“I told him I needed some time to think.”

Chuckling, her mother reached out and gave her a hug. “I do believe you have finally learned some patience, Daughter. Praise be to God.”

Katie swallowed hard. That, actually, was true. Maybe she had grown up more than she'd realized.

Contrary to what most thought, Jonathan found he did not mind working in the lumber factory among the English. Perhaps it was because his boss, Brent Harvey, was a decent sort of man who valued much the same things as Jonathan.

Every day at lunch, Jonathan would pull out his basket and eat his sandwiches that Katie packed for him, sitting beside a number of other men who ate sandwiches, too. Manly conversation would flow around them all, which he thoroughly enjoyed. After years of farming, spending most days by himself, he enjoyed the fellowship of other men, the rough and tumble conversations. The laughter.

“Got another trail bologna sandwich today, Jonathan?” Brent asked in what had become an almost daily ritual.

“I do. Three, in fact. Would you like one?”

Like boys in a schoolyard, Brent sat next to him as he
pulled out a bag of chocolate chip cookies. “Only if you'll have these in exchange.”

“Deal.” After a few bites, Jonathan said, “The work is going well today, I think.”

“I agree. Productivity is up this year. I hope you'll consider staying with us when spring comes.”

“That will be a hard decision. Spring planting is a busy time. And then there's the girls, they'll need watching.”

“Winnie will be back then, right? Surely she'll be able to watch Mary and Hannah.”

It pleased Jonathan that Brent cared enough about their friendship to remember his sister's and daughters' names. “I don't know about that. Winnie, she's in Indiana now. She might be planning a marriage.”

Brent's eyes crinkled merrily. “Congratulations.”

Jonathan tried to smile, but failed. “I don't know if a marriage is in the future. But her leaving has made me realize that she needs time and opportunity to follow her dreams.” With some surprise, he realized that he wasn't just saying those things. He meant them. When had all of that happened? When had he started living again, and realizing other people had to move forward, too?

Keeping things the same was not the way to go through life. And though he'd attempted to cling to the notion that tradition and consistency was part of who he was—as integral to being Amish as forgoing much of the technology of the outside world—it was likely he'd forgotten that people's needs did grow and change. And once more, it was acceptable.

“Jon, you don't sound very excited about the man Winnie
is seeing.” After pulling out a bag of chips, Brent popped two in his mouth. “Do you not like the guy?”

“I've never met him. Actually, Winnie hadn't met him face-to-face until she arrived there in mid-November. She'd only been writing to him for several months. But I've been getting the feeling that maybe he is not everything she'd expected.”

Brent laughed. “Nothing ever is.” After sipping from his can of soda, he added more soberly, “But if Winnie's man is far different than what she imagined him to be, that will be hard to swallow.”

“Jah.”

“Of course, different isn't always bad, you know?”

“You've got a point, there.” Jonathan took another bite and chewed slowly, once again thinking about his life with Sarah. The way he'd struggled to raise the girls on his own, and how he'd come to terms with always being alone for the rest of his life.

It had taken Winnie's insistence to reach her dreams to shake him up.

Because Winnie had wanted to grow, he had sought Katie's assistance. And her role in his life had brought about a whole new barrage of feelings. Now he found himself rushing home to Katie. He found himself thinking how her eyes had sparkled when she'd tossed snow his way. He realized how often her laugh and her smiles were the focus of his thoughts when he drove his buggy home each evening. Her presence had awakened him to the world again.

Katie Brenneman had caused him to dream again.

Maybe Winnie needed that surge of expectancy just as much. “Maybe Winnie is just having a time figuring out what she wants. Different may be all right, after all.”

Brent chuckled. “Love. You know as well as I do that it isn't as smooth as some would like it to be.”

The bologna suddenly felt dry in his mouth. “I would tend to agree about that.” After marriage to Sarah, having two children, and then, ultimately, losing her and finally grieving her loss, Jonathan had been sure he'd never think about marriage again. He hadn't thought another woman would ever occupy his thoughts again, the way Sarah once had. Boy had he been wrong! All it took was one blue-eyed woman with a resolve of steel hidden behind a sweet disposition to turn him inside out. Taking a chance, Jonathan admitted, “I'm learning time and again that love and marriage isna' ever an easy thing.”

“Time and again?” Brent peeked at him under the brim of his ball cap. “What's going on? Have you found someone new?”

“I don't know. Maybe.” Jonathan was thankful Brent didn't say “already” or “again,” though part of him sorely felt that way. Things were happening to his heart that made him feel like a young boy again, unsure and scared of saying the wrong things.

“Is she Amish?”

“Oh, yes. Of course.”

“What's she like?”

There was the rub. “Confusing.”

Brent roared with laughter, loud enough that the other
men turned their way. “They're
all
confusing. Some days I never know where I stand with Tricia.”

Jonathan was becoming mighty glad to have a friend in Brent. He had never realized that all men had trouble figuring out their wives' likes and dislikes. “Yes, but I thought after Sarah…” His words drifted off. It sounded uncaring and petty to bring Sarah into the conversation.

“I've only been married once, but I tell you, my Tricia keeps me on my toes. I never know what I'm doing right or wrong. Just yesterday she yelled at me because I was helping the kids with their homework.”

“Whatever for?”

“She said I was doing it wrong. But last week she got mad at me because I never offered to help. Women.”

“
Jah. Women
. I fear I'm mainly doin' everything wrong.”

Instead of offering advice, Brent chuckled, then patted Jonathan on the shoulder. “Good luck with that,” he said before getting up to go to his office.

“
Danke
.”

He used the momentary patch of silence to do some thinking. What had happened, anyway? He'd been so sure he had done the right thing when he'd asked Katie to be his wife.

He was not so blind as to see that she had had special feelings for him for quite a while. But instead of acting all overjoyed, she'd just looked worried and spooked.

Yes, spooked was the word. She acted like he had just found out something about her that was horrible.

It had not been the reaction he'd hoped for.

This was when he missed his father something awful. He wished there was someone who he could reveal all of his hurts and frustrations to. Who would listen to him without rancor and give him direction.

As Jonathan ate the last of the chocolate chip cookie, he suddenly smiled.

Well, of course. Someone
had
always been there for him—Jesus, his Lord and Savior. He'd given Jonathan Winnie when he'd needed help the most. He'd given Jonathan good friends like Brent. Now, He'd brought Katie into his life.

Dear Lord
, he silently prayed,
thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Thank you for providing me with a great many people and friends. Please help me continue to follow Your will—and to remember to spend quiet moments to give thanks to your guidance and patience. Amen.

Feeling lighter in step than he had in years, Jonathan stood up and went back to work. Perhaps things were going to work out, after all.

Feeling restless in the quiet of Jonathan's home, Katie hitched up her buggy and drove to the inn. The quiet rolling hills and pristine countryside were a sight to behold. The crisp, fresh air invigorated her senses and stung her cheeks.

But not even the terribly beautiful surroundings could stop her from thinking about Brandon.

For so long, she'd blocked out all thoughts of him. She'd also pushed aside all memories of her time with him, sure that her behavior had been so wrong, it was wrong to even recall any of the good times she'd shared with her English friends.

Her recent visit to Brandon had changed all that. His need to see her again, his obvious pleasure to renew their friendship encouraged Katie to recall many moments
they'd spent together. It hadn't been all bad, after all. In fact, when she'd looked into his eyes, she recalled the many good times she'd shared with Holly and Brandon.

She remembered the many reasons they'd become friends. It hadn't been all false on her part. On the contrary, most of what they'd shared had been real and genuine, indeed. It had been a mistake to push them away—to not even give Holly or Brandon a chance to make their own opinions about her lifestyle. She should have stayed after telling them about herself. She shouldn't have just expected scorn and anger.

Because she loved her brother, Henry, so much, Katie knew just how much Holly loved Brandon. And because she now understood just how sick Brandon was, Katie knew it was time to reach out to Holly. Holly was going to need all of the friends she could get in the coming weeks. No longer would Katie push someone away because she wished she'd behaved better toward them.

After parking her buggy and playing with Roman for a bit, she said hello to her mother and Anna. But then, still feeling restless, Katie knew what she had to do. With purpose, she walked to the reception desk, pulled out the note Holly had given her, then, before she lost her nerve, Katie picked up the phone and dialed. The phone rang two times before Holly's familiar voice answered. “Hello?”

Katie took a deep breath. “Holly? This is Katie Brenneman.”

“Oh. Hi.”

Katie frowned. Holly sounded hoarse. “I just called to let you know that I visited Brandon last week.”

“I know. He told me.”

“You were right to encourage me to see him, Holly. I'm glad I visited him. It was the right thing to do.”

After a few seconds passed and Holly didn't offer any more information, Katie cleared her throat. “So,
uh,
how is he?”

After a lengthy pause, Holly whispered, “I'm sorry…I thought you knew, though now I don't know why you would have. He passed away the day after you came.”

Gripping the phone harder, Katie felt her world shift and sway. “What?”

After a ragged sigh, Holly said, “I'm sorry to tell you like this.
Um,
it was sudden, though the doctors said not completely unexpected. And, well, he'd been in a lot of pain.”

Katie had seen the pain in his eyes. “I'm sorry. He…he was such a special person.”

“He was. I'm just glad he got a chance to see you. It meant a lot.”

“It meant a lot to me, too. When I saw him, I realized how special he was to me. How special you both are.”

“I…I had thought so, too.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No. You already did what I asked of you. That was enough.”

“Would you mind if I called you again?”

“Why?”

Because she didn't want to abandon her again. But because that sounded a bit too much, Katie simply said, “Because I care.”

“Oh. Well, then. Sure. Call again if you want.”

Gingerly, Katie replaced the receiver. Once again, it felt as if her world had shifted. Closing her eyes against the flood of tears that threatened, she prayed.
Dear Lord
,
please be with Holly as she grieves. And help me know how to move beyond the past and into my future…whatever it may hold.

Slowly, Katie began to see that He had always been beside her. Guiding her. It had only been her insecurities and fears that had held those things at bay. It was time to tell the truth and face whatever consequences came. Even if she failed.

Even if people were disappointed in her.

Even if Jonathan didn't want her any longer.

Decision made, Katie picked up the phone and dialed Holly's number again.

“Katie? What's going on?” Holly asked.

Before she lost her nerve, she said, “I know it is short notice, but…perhaps if you are not doing anything…perhaps you'd care to come over this afternoon?”

“What? You want me to come over? To your home?”

“Yes. Well, to my parents' inn.”

“Why?”

Holly deserved honesty, even if they never spoke again. Even if friendship now meant that she had to do a very tough thing. “I'd like us to be friends again. I thought…I
thought you might need me.” She swallowed. Oh, this was so hard to say. “I thought you might need a friend, since Brandon is gone.”

A moment paused. Two. “You've already apologized. That was enough. I really can't think of anything else for us to say to each other.”

“I believe there is more than you might think. Please, Holly? I'd love to introduce you to my family.”
Finally.

After what seemed like forever, Holly spoke. “When, this afternoon?”

“Whenever you want.” She felt so relieved, a half chuckle, half sob escaped from her. “What are you doing now? Can you just come on over?”

“Yeah. I've just been sitting here, trying to sort out some of Brandon's things, but I just couldn't do it. Your call came at just the perfect time.”

It did feel perfect. It felt like it truly was time for her past to meet the present. “Do you have a pencil? Let me give you directions,” Katie said. After Holly's promise to come out shortly, Katie hung up the phone with a huge sense of relief.

“Katie? What are you doing? Why were you on the phone?” Her mother approached, her expression one of concern and irritation. The phone was only used for guests' emergencies and to make reservations. Katie could hardly remember ever using it for herself.

It was time to face the truth. Slowly, she said, “I had an important phone call to make. To Holly Norris. I invited her to come over. She's on her way now.”

“Who is Holly Norris?”

“She's an English girl I met during my
rumspringa
. I was once good friends with her. With her and her brother, Brandon.”

Her
mamm
put her dusting rag down. “Yes?”

Taking a deep breath, Katie said, “
Mamm
, I have a story to tell you and Daed, if you'll let me.”

For the first time, Katie saw that her mother was visibly flustered. “This sounds serious. Perhaps we should wait until after dinner to discuss things.”

“This is serious. And,
Mamm
, it can't wait. What I have to say can not wait a moment longer. I've waited long enough.”

After studying her carefully for a long moment, she nodded. “I see. Well, then, Katie, now is just fine. I'll go and fetch your father.”

The hearth room had never felt so cold, even though a fire was blazing in the hearth. When the three of them were seated, Katie gripped a portion of her dress and stood up.

“Like I said to you earlier,
Mamm
, Holly is on her way here.”

Her father looked confused. “Who is that?” her father asked.

“She is an English girl I met during my…my
rumspringa
.” She told her parents about how they first met, Katie in her borrowed clothes. That first visit to the Brown Dog.

“Come now, Katie. There must be more to this story,”
her mother said. “Why is she coming here now? Why have you never mentioned her before? Is there more you aren't telling us?”

“Yes. During that time, when Holly and I were such good friends, I…I saw much of her brother.”

“Saw much?” After her parents exchanged glances, her mother spoke. “You'd best tell us the full story, dear.”

“When I met Holly and Brandon at the Brown Dog, I…I wasn't sure how I felt in my life. Rebekeh was always so perfect. So much more perfect than I could ever be.”

Her father sighed. “None of us are perfect, Daughter. And, I never wanted you to be just like Rebekeh.”

“I understand that now. But back then, well, I wasn't so sure about everything. I was mixed up. Emotional. I suppose I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself.” She glanced at her mother then. “I know that is shameful.”

“But honest. Nothing wrong with that.”

“Anyway, out of all the kids I met, two people made me feel like I was a part of their group, Holly and Brandon. I liked being with them. They were fun. They took me to the mall. They introduced me to silly TV shows. I liked Holly a lot…” Her voice drifted off. How could she fully put into words her feelings for Brandon?

“What happened, Katie?”
Daed
asked.

“After meeting them at the coffee shop, I went to the Norris house for a time or two. Over time, I grew to like Brandon. Though, not as much as he liked me, I am ashamed to say. He began to talk about future plans. He talked like we would do many things together. That I
would always be there for him. And, well, I let him think that.” Feeling her cheeks heat, Katie tried to convey why she had let things go on for far too long. “See, it felt good to be wanted. I liked feeling pretty and special.”

Her mother smoothed her hands over her skirt. “That is only natural, I suppose.”

“It would have been natural, I think, if I had been honest about who I was. But I wasn't.”

Katie continued, determined to tell everything about that confusing time. Only by completely divulging her past sins was she going to be able to find forgiveness. “About this time, too, Sarah Lundy passed away. Soon after her funeral, I saw Jonathan and his girls.” Remembering that moment, she shrugged helplessly. “Something happened.”

To Katie's surprise, her father looked like he completely understood. “You looked at him in a new way?” he murmured.

Katie nodded. “I started thinking about his family. My heart went out to him…I felt sorry for him, but I also started imagining a place for me in his life.”

Her mother nodded knowingly. “John, I told you she'd been taken with Jonathan for quite some time.”

“Poor Sarah's death meant two things—it shook me out of what I thought was important with what actually was. And it, I'm ashamed to say—gave me hope.” Katie hung her head. It was terribly difficult to admit to wanting Jonathan, even back when he was still grieving for his wife.

“One night, I told Holly and Brandon the truth about
who I was. And then I left them and never looked back, though what I had done and said weighed on me. Then, just after I went to go help with Mary and Hannah, Holly contacted me again. She sent me letters. I didn't know what to do.”

“You should have told us about your worries, Katie,” her mother chided. “I could have helped. I could have least listened and prayed with you.”

“I think I had to face these fears on my own.” Taking a deep breath, she finished her story. “The last time I was at Mr. McClusky's store, Holly found me.” Ignoring her mother's gasp of surprise, Katie continued quickly. “She wanted me to go see her brother. He was dying of cancer and had never forgotten me. I went to see him last week.” Swallowing hard, she added, “He died soon after my visit.”

Her
daed
frowned. “That is a terribly sad story.”

“It is. I know Brandon's life was in the Lord's hands, but I do feel guilty for never reaching out to him before. Anyway, now poor Holly is all alone, and I can't let her be. I want to be her friend again, if it's not too late.”

“It's never too late, I don't think,” her
daed
said. “What you are doing takes courage.”

“I don't feel brave, but I do feel better now that I am not hiding secrets any longer.” Looking around the room, she felt the soothing comfort of her Savior. “I don't want to be a shell of a person anymore. I don't want to be just the happy Katie who tries hard. I want to be seen as whole…even if everything I am isn't so good.”

Hesitantly, she looked to her mother. Her mother was the best person she knew. Back when she was sixteen, when she'd thought she couldn't ever measure up, she hadn't even tried. But she'd always wanted her approval. Now she just asked for understanding. “I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted me to be.”

“You are exactly what I hoped you would one day be, child. A woman stepping forward. Reaching out. I like this Katie, I think.”

Suddenly, admitting her past didn't feel so terrible. It wasn't shameful anymore. Katie realized those past hurts were about a different person. A person other than herself.

That person had shame and self-doubts and fears about her future. The person she'd become felt different. Oh, she had the same wants, but they were deeper and more meaningful than a mere desire to seek belonging. Now she had a sense of peace within her soul, and the knowledge that no matter what happened, she already had obtained the forgiveness of her Father. And He still wanted her. “Let that therefore abide in you, which ye have heard from the beginning,” she murmured, quoting 1 John.

Reaching out for her hand, her mother finished the verse. “That which ye have heard in the beginning shall remain in you. You shall continue in the Son and in the Father.”

It was very true. No matter what had happened in their past, everything was going to be all right. The doorbell rang. “That will be Holly.”

Her father stood up. “I'm looking forward to meeting her.”

As the doorbell rang again, she left the hearth room and quickly stepped across the foyer. As soon as she opened the door, Katie said, “Hi, Holly. Please come in.”