Wanted (10 page)

I won't go away.

Katie bolted upright in bed and scanned the room, searching in the dim light for Holly. She'd heard the words so clearly, for a moment she'd been sure Holly was in the room with her. Her pulse beat rapidly, every muscle felt on alert. Taking deep breaths, Katie willed herself to settle down.

She also realized she'd come to the inevitable truth. It was time to meet Holly. Avoiding her wasn't working—all avoidance did was foster feelings of guilt and sleepless nights.

Surely, anything was better than receiving her notes from Henry and Anna and being faced with their questions.

But of course, she was alone. Katie shivered. In spite of the cold weather, her body was covered in sweat. With a
grimace, she pulled at the neckline of her nightgown. It felt too snug and confining. Damp.

Little by little, as the chilly air met her skin, the dampness dissipated. She looked at the clock near her bed, its plain white face illuminated by the moonlight. Barely could she make out the numbers. Two a.m., or near that. Too early to get up. Four a.m. would arrive soon enough.

With a force of will, Katie lay back down again. But though she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, sleep was far away.

All that seemed to enter her mind were the awful words. Holly's sentences were as completely puzzling as they were frightening. “I won't go away”?

Why would Holly write such a thing? They'd hadn't seen each other in almost a year. What could be so important now? The only thing Holly could be speaking of was Brandon, and Katie knew it would be terribly foolish to ever see him again.

Sleep was surely never to come. After lighting a candle, she pulled out her memory box. The little teddy bear with the golden eyes stared back at her when she lifted the lid.

Gingerly, she held it in her hands, stroking the soft fur. Remembering how she'd felt when Brandon had placed it in her hands. Even now, she was reluctant to part with it. Such sweet moments were rarities.

“It's for you,” Brandon had whispered. “It's just a silly toy, but it reminded me of you.”

She'd sat there, mesmerized. “How did such a thing make you think of me?”

His expression teasing, Brandon had tapped the bear's
head. “First, it's very cute. Like you.” He'd leaned closer. “There there's its eyes.”

She'd been completely confused. So terribly naive. “Mine are blue, Brandon. This bear's eyes are brown.”

He'd laughed. “But they're almost as pretty. And they have a look of wonder in them. Just like you do, Kate. I love your sweetness. I like you so much.”

She'd closed her eyes then. Every sense had been aware of him. He always smelled like cologne. His feelings had always been so open toward her. So caring, as if she was special.

“Oh.” She'd looked around the room for something to comment on, for something to say so she wouldn't sound so tongue-tied, but nothing else held her attention. Holly had left them to talk on the phone to one of her friends. That meant the two of them had been alone, with only the television to act as a chaperone.

Very gently, he placed the bear into her hands, like she mattered the world to him. “No matter what happens, take it, Kate. I bought it for you. Whenever you look at it, you can think of me.”

“I won't need the bear to recall you.”

Her frank words had made him chuckle. Oh, she'd always taken his words so literally! “You might.”

And so, she had held that bear in her arms. She'd kept it even after he'd told her he loved her. Even after she'd told them the truth about who she was.

Even after she told them that she didn't love him. Not enough, anyway.

To her shame, Katie had encouraged his attentions.
She'd smiled and flirted and hinted that she wanted everything he did.

Yes, she had disregarded everything she'd known to be morally right. She'd lied to her new friend, and instead of feeling vaguely guilty about hurting Holly's brother, Katie had felt triumphant. Important. Oh, so very full of herself.

Looking back, Katie wondered how she could have gone so far astray.

“Thank you,” she'd said, giving the bear a little hug.

“Thank me with a kiss, Kate.”

Kate. Brandon had called her Kate only a few times. But each time had felt special. Like she was part of his group, and had a nickname like all the others.

Like she belonged with him. And because she wanted it, too, she'd leaned closer and kissed him. His arms had curved around her. His hands had rubbed her back, then skimmed her body, his touch heavy and sure. Within moments, that kiss had become heated and out of control.

Almost.

In the flickering candlelight of her temporary bedroom, Katie flinched. What had possessed her to encourage him so?

Because it had been exciting? Because it had felt wonderful to be wanted?

Because no matter how much she'd smiled Jonathan Lundy's way, he'd only looked blankly back at her in return, his grief too overpowering to notice anything else?

And, yes, she had started to think about Jonathan a fair bit. After Sarah had died when Katie was almost nineteen,
she'd seen him at community functions after a few weeks of isolation. He'd looked so stalwart. So alone. She'd begun to dream about helping him. Imagine being the one to make him smile again.

And though she'd thought she'd been rather secretive, it had been fairly obvious to everyone around.

Especially to her sister, Rebekeh, who was always so practical and always so blunt. After spying Katie's infatuated gaze for a good long minute, she'd nipped those dreams of infatuation. “Jonathan is not yours, and never will be,” she'd said after Katie had almost embarrassed herself by eyeing Jonathan from across the way one Sunday after church.

“I know that.” But, in truth, she had hoped that one day he would look over and notice her, too. Especially since no one at the gatherings had ever stirred her interest before.

No one had except Brandon, and she'd always known he wouldn't be an acceptable beau.

“Do you? You don't look that way. You look like you're imagining a life with Jonathan.” In her usual, no-nonsense way, Rebekeh made a proclamation. “Mark my words, that's not going to happen.”

“It might. One day I bet he's going to want another wife. One day he's going to want someone to help raise his daughters.”

“He has Winnie to help.”

“Winnie isn't going to want to live with them forever.”

In reply, Rebekeh had merely handed Katie a casserole dish to carry to the picnic table. “You don't know that.
What you are thinking is mighty wrong, Katie Brenneman. You'd do best to put it out of your pretty head.”

Katie had tucked her head in shame but couldn't seem to help her wayward thoughts.

When Sarah died, Katie had already been enjoying her
rumspringa
for a year. She'd been enjoying Brandon's attention, though she'd also had begun to feel wary around him. It was becoming obvious that Brandon felt far more serious about her than she did about him.

Then, she'd started imagining a future with Jonathan, Mary, and Hannah. And those daydreams had been hard to shake.

Especially the dreams about being his wife.

She'd imagine saving him, removing his worried frown, taking her place in the community as a married woman. She'd think about raising his daughters, and to have more kinner of her own. She'd picture what it would be like to look across the dinner table and feel his approval. To receive warm, sweet glances from him, the way Brandon looked at her. To be loved. For him to want her as his wife.

Outside a wind blew through the trees, brushing two stray branches against the windowpane. Reminding her of the bitter truth. As one month passed into two, then three, Katie had begun to respond to Brandon.

He'd made her feel special and pretty. Though she'd never intended to have a serious relationship with him, never had seriously doubted joining the church one day, she'd enjoyed pretending that she was emotionally involved.

And then late that night when she'd received that bear, after Brandon had told her how he loved her, everything had fallen to pieces. She'd confessed who she was. She revealed how she never intended for their friendship to be anything but a fleeting experiment of sorts. And when Holly had looked at her, so hurt and upset, when Brandon stared at her in shock, why, Katie felt the truth fall over her, plain as day.

She'd intentionally set out to deceive them and had succeeded.

However, the fact that she'd finally acknowledged the truth didn't justify her actions or make them easier to accept.

Suddenly, all she'd wanted to do was run. Katie had grabbed that bear, run to the front door, thrown it open, and burst out into the night. As she made her way home, she'd vowed to start over again. She almost had.

In the dark chilliness of the terribly bare guest room, her head began to pound. That had been months ago. She'd moved on with her life. It was time the doubts and self-recriminations moved on, too.

But still she felt restless and unsettled. Thinking herbal tea might be the answer, Katie hastily wrapped herself in a thick robe and slippers and padded to the kitchen. She'd just filled the kettle with water and set it to heat on the stove when Mary came in.

“What are you doing?”

For once, Mary didn't sound accusing. Instead, her voice merely sounded sleepy and young and curious. “Heating water for tea. I couldn't sleep. What about you?”

The little girl moved closer, her thick rag-wool socks muffling her steps. “I couldn't sleep, neither.”

Katie noticed Mary's eyes were suspiciously bright, as if she was on the verge of tears. If it had been Anna, she would have hugged her friend and demanded to know the problem.

But things weren't quite that easy with Mary. The girl was as prickly as a porcupine and sent barbs her way just as frequently. Gently she stated the obvious. “You've got school tomorrow. You need your rest.”

Mary merely shrugged. “I know.” To Katie's surprise, the girl pulled out a chair and sat down. “Can I have some tea, too?”

“Sure.” When the water boiled, Katie strained some chamomile, then carefully carried two mugs to the table. “Here we are. Be careful now, it's hot.”

Almost in unison, the two of them blew on the hot brew, then sipped. The feel of the hot water sliding down her throat felt good and immediately calmed her insides.

Mary looked to be enjoying the brew as well. Tentatively, Katie asked, “Are you excited about hosting church on Sunday?”

“
Jah
. We are all going to play hide-and-seek after we eat.”

“Henry and Rebekeh and I used to do the same thing. I really looked forward to hosting church, though it is a very big job.”

Mary took another sip, then a third. “We worked hard in the basement.”

“We certainly did. You and Hannah were mighty
gut
helpers. The floor is bright and shiny clean.”

Solemnly, Mary said, “We might have to sweep again after the benches are put in.”

“I imagine so. Well, we'll have to hope that the weather stays cold. If it warms up, we're going to have mud to pick up!”

Mary's eyes widened. “Katie, we'd be cleaning all week.”

“Yes, indeed we would. But I have a feeling you and Hannah would make even that messy job a joy.”

“Maybe,” Mary agreed, then sipped again on her tea. After she set her mug down, she looked at Katie with eyes that showed she'd experienced quite a bit during her seven years. “You know, things are different with you here.”

“Are they?” Used to Mary's stinging criticism, Katie braced herself to hear what awful thing she had done now.

“Even getting ready for church feels different.”

Since Mary didn't sound critical, Katie sought her advice. “Am I forgetting to do something with the house? What does Winnie usually do to get ready? Does she do more in the basement than we've done?”

“I don't think so.” Mary shrugged. “No, I'm not thinking about church.” Mary sipped again before expounding. “See, when Winnie is here, it was more like when my
mamm
was alive.”

“I know you miss your
mamm
. She was a wonderful woman.”

Mary's cheeked pinked as she looked away. “I miss her. But, it's not that.”

“I see.” Tentatively, Katie tried again. “Your mother and Winnie were
gut
friends, weren't they?”

Mary nodded. “They were.”

“That is a fine thing. It is a blessing when family gets along well. I like my sister's husband, Olan, very much.”

Still struggling with her attempt to say what was on her mind, Mary pursed her lips. “That's not what I meant.” She waved a hand, obviously trying to search for words not on the tip of her tongue. “You…you've shaken everything up.”

Katie felt shaken up at the moment. “I'm sorry you feel that way. I've been doing the best I can for you, but I can't be someone I am not. I can only be myself.”

“Daed said that, too.”

That was news. Katie hadn't realized Jonathan had spoken to the girls about her. “Does he think that is bad?”

Mary shook her head.

When the silence stretched, Katie said, “Well, soon things will be back to how they used to be. Soon I will be gone and Winnie will return.” Katie tried to keep her voice upbeat, but it was hard.

“Katie, I…” Mary sipped again, almost hiding her brown eyes as she did so. Mumbling around the rim of the ivory mug, she said, “I like you here. That's what I'm tryin' to say.”

“You do?” To her great surprise, Katie's eyes filled with tears. Lately, she'd been so worried about her past and her future, and so torn with insecurities about how she was managing everything day to day, she hadn't even hoped to hear good news from Mary. “I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that.”