Waiting for Grace (7 page)

“Alcohol.” I nodded. “She’s an alcoholic.” I could still feel Robert behind me. If he was shocked I couldn’t tell. He would know all my dirty secrets now. He would see the worst of who I was, and I had only managed to shield him from it for five short weeks. I would be the Grace that he pitied and not the carefree girl he was kissing in his bed half an hour ago.

They placed a collar around her neck, checked her over, and then loaded her onto a stretcher. “Are you riding in the ambulance?” the blonde paramedic asked me.

“Yes.” I broke away from Robert’s hold.

“Me too,” he said, stepping forward.

“Sorry only one of you,” she said, leading me towards the ambulance.

I looked back at Robert and saw the pity in his eyes. I hated myself at that moment and my fucking idiot mother for making me different than everyone else once again. He walked up to me and slammed into me, holding me tightly and kissed my head.

“I’ll meet you at the hospital,” he said softly.

“No, no please don’t Robert, God no, just go home, I’ll text you later.” He nodded grimly, and the paramedics shut the house up as he stood on the front step watching.

***

We got to the hospital at midnight. I was left in the waiting room and mum was rushed through somewhere. I had enough change for a bottle of Coke. The waiting room was almost empty; a few people sat with minor wounds, and there was a scruffy man in a wheelchair humming to himself. I took a seat as far away from them all as I could and retrieved my phone. No message. Robert was probably still in shock and wondering what kind of fucked up girl he was getting involved with. I let my head fall forward and realised I was actually exhausted and didn’t have any money on me for a taxi home. I’d have to wait to see what the damage was, and then get home somehow. My head was spinning. I started to cry silently and then was interrupted by warm arms. I looked up to see Robert, Barbara, and Bob. Robert was crouched down in front of me. I wiped my eyes, embarrassed. He kissed me gently on the forehead; Barbara sat by my side. She put an arm around me and rubbed me warmly.

“I’m okay,” I said, sniffing.

“We know,” Barbara said, squeezing me. “Come on, Bob, let’s go and see what’s going on.” she nodded to Robert Senior.

“What’s your mum’s full name?” Bob asked.

“Irene Cooper,” I sniffed.
   

“Right, Bob will sort this out, and then you will come home with us.” They walked off to go and find a nurse to speak to.

I looked at Robert and he smiled at me.

“Babe,” he said, taking the other seat, leaning into me and kissing me again. I closed my eyes and let him soothe me. “I’ll always be here for you, you know. You can tell me anything.”

“I don’t think you want to hear it all; we hardly know each other. My mum is just …” I sighed. There were no words to describe how she was dead inside.

“I want to know everything about you, Grace, and it will only make me like you more.” I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder. The tears started again, and I wondered where my mum was and whether she would survive. I hoped that no one would be poking his or her nose into our living situation after this incident.

Eight

Now

My mobile phone rang early on Saturday morning. Maria and I sat on the sofas eating toast and drinking tea, and the kids were busying themselves around us. Max had his Nintendo DS and Devon was dressing her Barbies. It was Robert.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi Grace, it’s erm … Robert.” He sounded terrible.

“Oh, hi,” I said, standing up and taking the phone to my room. “Wow, you sound awful. Are you sick?”

“No,” he sighed. “Too much whiskey.”

“Oh,” I said. “You’re up early then,”

“Yeah, personal trainer on a Saturday. He almost killed me.”

“Oh,” I said again.

“Look I realise that I’ve been a crazy person this week, but shit I’m still in shock and I’m angry. I’m so angry at you … but also I’m not. I’m all over the place.”

“Right.”

He sighed. “The thing is I want to meet Devon, I want to be okay with what you’ve done, and I’m trying to understand. It’s hard, but I want to meet Devon as soon as possible, I deserve that.”

“I know,” I sighed.

“I just can’t understand why you would rather have been alone this whole time.”

“Ahh … Robert can we not just accept it for what it is and move forward?”

“Yes, you’re right, my mind’s wandering again.” He sounded defeated, and I felt terrible for him. I had turned his life upside down, but he came looking for me, not that he expected my news, but he wanted to find me and that would have stirred up emotion no matter what.

“Look,” I said cheerily, trying to lighten the mood. “How about I speak to Devon this morning. I’m working but perhaps we could all go out for tea? We have plans tomorrow, but maybe we could meet again mid week after school, I’m off Tuesdays.” He was silent for a moment.

“Okay, that sounds good thanks.”

“Great.” I had to admit that I wanted to see them together. I knew Devon would be happy and she would love him. It would be her dream come true to have a daddy and Robert would be a fabulous father, but I would eventually be excluded. I felt a tinge of jealousy as Devon would have Robert for life, but I had lost him years ago.

“Right. Well shall I pick you up from work and then I can come back to yours, meet Devon, and then we can go out to dinner?”

“Oh okay,” I said. A little taken aback, I wasn’t sure what I expected, but I suppose it would make sense for him to meet her at our flat. I felt a little excitement to see him again, despite the way he had behaved last time in the street, because this was Robert after all. He was the only person I had loved, the only person who had loved me besides my new little family, and he gave me the confidence to strive for better. I had spent all these years thinking he would never remember and never feel the way I did, but I saw it in his eyes that first day in the diner. He still felt it all.

***

I worked hard that day, looking forward to my day off and buried all the apprehension about Robert and Devon deep inside. I had no idea how Devon would react and also what Robert would think of her, what if he questioned she was his? What if he met her and then that was enough? He might not want a relationship with her. I did doubt that though. I didn’t doubt that he would love the baby we had made just as much as I did.

I had spoken to Devon that morning. “Devon, can we have a chat?” I said as she brushed her hair. Maria had taken Max to the local Spar for some bread and milk.

“Um,” she said, grabbing a bobble off the top of her dressing table. She was such a girly girl, so different from how I had been. She liked to look her best and took the time to make sure her hair was done. She could do her own French plaits, and it was truly amazing considering I could barely do a bun. Maria had taught her, of course, always plaiting her own unruly hair and finding an apprentice in Devon.

“Devon,” I said, sitting on her bed. “Do you remember when we talked about your dad?” She suddenly snapped her head to me.

“Yes,” she nodded. “You loved each other very much, but sometimes love isn’t enough … but he’s a good person.” I smiled at her word for word translation of our many conversations.

“That’s right. He is a good man, and we were just so young that he needed to finish all his exams, so I kept you just for me.”

She smiled. “Your special little girl.”

“Right.” I nodded. “Well I didn’t know when, but I knew one day we’d see him again, and I have seen him.”

“You have?” she asked. “My dad?” She patted her chest as she said it.

“Yes.” My eyes misted with tears for my beautiful daughter, for the little girl who I had denied a father. “We bumped into each other and he wants to meet you.”

She grinned. “Really? And are we going to meet him?”

I nodded. “He’d love to meet you, and he wants us to all have dinner together tonight.”

“And can we?” She jumped up excitedly and ran to hug me. “Will I get to meet my daddy?” She looked up at me and I nodded.

“Yes.” I kissed her head. “If you want to, tonight after I finish work.”

“Wow,” she said. “Sienna Smith said that daddies don’t ever come back once they leave, but mine has hasn’t he?” she beamed.

I held her close to me. “Yours didn’t leave you, he just never met you, remember. You’ll meet him for the first time tonight.”

“Do you think he’ll like me?” she asked.

“I think he’ll love you.” I squeezed her. “Is this all okay? Shall I stay off work and we can talk more?”

“No.” She turned back to her mirror. “Maria is taking us to the park and the Pizza Hut buffet.”

“Oh, well then.” I rolled my eyes, smiling. “I’d just be in the way,”

“No, mum.” She laughed. I hugged her from behind as she concentrated on a high ponytail.

“Need any help?” I asked.

“No,” she sighed, offended. “Ponytails are easy.”

“Of course.” I laughed. “I’ll make us a snack and then I’m setting off for work okay?”

“Okay!” she shouted.

As I left her room Maria and Max walked back in. “Okay?” she asked breezily with wide eyes, arms laden with shopping bags.

I smiled and nodded. “No issues.”

“Of course not.” She smiled. “She’s adaptable like her mother.”

***

Maria was going to get Devon ready. Robert would pick me up at six and then we would drive to collect her. I was looking for him anxiously from about half past five. Even after all these years, he still made me nervous. I desperately wanted to be near him, wanted to speak to him, to see him, and yet it could never be the same as it had been. I was so busy, and Groucher was in a foul mood. He was barking orders so that Anna and I were running to and from the kitchen like mad women. I didn’t notice straight away when Robert sat at the bar, but as I hurried past him, I glanced up and our eyes caught. My heart raced and I inwardly gasped, hoping he didn’t see. He smiled shyly and looked down. I smiled and carried on walking to the table I was serving. He wore dark blue jeans, a light grey woollen coat, over a dark jumper, and black leather dress shoes. His blonde hair was unruly and he had the twinkle back in his blue eyes. I must have looked a sight in my uniform, with my fringe plastered to my head and day old make up worn away.

“You want a drink?” I asked as I walked back past, getting my breath back.

“No thanks,” he replied as he shook his head. He seemed nervous. I nodded and walked to the kitchen.

As I pushed through the door Anna was waiting. “Three times in three days. Boy’s got it bad.” She smirked.

“What’s this?” Groucher asked.

“Bloody Grace has that gorgeous blonde man waiting for her again.”

Groucher raised an eyebrow, “Not like you to get a boyfriend, Grace,” he said.

“Hey, he’s not my boyfriend, and what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” Groucher shook his head and looked back to his orders.

“He means,” Anna said in a whisper, leaning in whilst holding two plates ready to head out the door, “that you never gave him the time of day, and no wonder if you have hotties like the blonde on your tail.”

“Hey …” I frowned, shaking my head. She really was a nosey cow. Perhaps meeting Robert here wasn’t a great idea. I helped Anna close down the rush for the next ten minutes and stole glances at Robert. He played on his phone and nursed a Coke, ordering one after all. Eventually the rush died down, and I made my way into the back to get my coat. I splashed my face with water in the small wash-basin in the staff room and applied some mascara and perfume.

“Have fun,” Groucher shouted as I left, “with your friend!” He said it sarcastically and I winced. I really must have led the life of a nun up until now for them to be so interested in an old friend who had met me just three times at work.

“Ready?” Robert asked, jumping off his stool when he saw me walk out with my coat on. I nodded, and he reached out his arm to guide me to the door.

“Bye, Grace!” Anna shouted. I waved behind me.

“Urgh,” I said as we stepped in to the cold. “They’re all so nosey.” I laughed.

“Really?” he raised an eyebrow. “Men don’t wait for you every night I take it?” He laughed.

“You’re the first one.” I smiled. He nodded and we began to walk.

“Grace …” he began. “I just want to say before we do this, that I know I’ve been all over the place, but that’s not me.”

“I know,” I said.

“I’m not gonna just meet Devon and be crazy. I’ve dealt with it now. I was annoyed, you know that, but I accept that things were fucked up, and I have to take some responsibility for that.”

“Plus we were teenagers, Robert. Shit, I had no idea what I was doing by excluding you, by denying Devon her daddy and her family. Heaven knows we haven’t got any other family.”

He sighed. “And of course when my mum finds out …”

I exhaled loudly. “She’ll go mad,”

“She’ll want to meet her,” he said. “She’ll be shocked, but she’ll want to be a grandma and my dad a grandad.”

“Of course,” I whispered. He turned to me and took me in his outstretched arms.

“I don’t want to take her away or anything, I just want to be there, know her. Everyone will, and I hope you can allow that.”

“I would never let you take her away,” I snapped.

“I meant … ah … that came out wrong. I meant that I want to fit in with you and … jees …” He sighed.

“I know.” I turned away from him and started to walk again. “Sorry, I know what you mean. You want to be part of her life, that’s great, but I’m her mum, okay?”

He nodded. “Let’s not fall out.”

I smiled and shoulder bumped him. “We’re not falling out, just discussing.”

“Of course.” He threw an arm around me and held me to him. “You look so gorgeous all grown up,” he whispered. “In all the madness I forgot to tell you that.” I smiled and looked up at him.

“You too.” At that moment his mobile phone rang and he fished it out of his pocket, breaking our sideways embrace. He turned it off immediately. He replaced his arm again and led me to his car. There was something so natural, so comforting, and so intoxicating about his touch that I felt the years melting away, and Robert Banford affecting me as he always had. This was dangerous, and it made me realise that all these years hadn’t allowed me to let Robert go. Every day Devon had kept his memory alive in me, and my heart couldn’t let go of the one person who had made me feel complete.

***

Robert led me to a black BMW 3 Series that was parked on the street, round the corner from the diner. It was newly registered and so couldn’t be more than two months old. Not many people drove in London. There was no need to due to the amount of public transport, the traffic being terrible, and the new congestion charge. Clearly that didn’t affect Robert and his obvious wealth. His car was so much more than I would ever have. He smiled shyly as he unlocked it and nodded towards his shiny new toy.

“Company car,” he said. “Perks of the job.”

“Oh.” I smiled glancing down at my uniform and spotting a tomato sauce stain on the skirt. Suddenly the years apart began to show.

I slid inside into the leather seats. He took his place next to me. “I never did learn to drive,” I mumbled nervously.

“Really?” he said, turning the ignition over. “Suppose there’s no need in the city.”

“Hmm,” I said, turning to stare out of the window. I couldn’t believe we were here. I sat in the passenger seat again and he the driver. It was just like old times, but so much had happened since then. When Robert learned to drive, his parents bought him a battered old Fiesta that we practically lived in for the summer before we broke up. We roamed the country like hobos and finally landed in London. It was here that the car broke down for good and here that I decided to stay. I couldn’t help but remember that as he pulled away to drive. He must have known.

“Last time we were in a car together we chugged into the outskirts of London, remember?”