Waiting for Grace (10 page)

“Grace, oh what a perfect name for a fucking mistress!”

“Wait!” I said. “What the hell is going on here? I’m no one’s mistress and who the hell are you coming to my house, speaking to me like this?”

“Who am I? Why don’t you ask my fiancé who I am and why don’t you tell me why he’s visiting you at YOUR house?”

“Fiancé?” I looked to Robert and he dropped his head to his chest.

“Grace,” he said, but I stopped him.

“Sort this shit out Robert.” I turned to Cecily and said, “Nothing is going on here, let me assure you, and it never will. Robert and I are old friends.” I made my way back to the stairs, shaking. “Now can you both bugger the hell off and away from my doorbell, so I can enjoy my bloody dinner.”

***

I took some deep breaths as I climbed the stairs, and I was conscious that they remained shouting on the porch, but I managed to stay calm. It had certainly been a shock to meet this woman, but I was more upset that I was so surprised. Robert was a catch. He was gorgeous, he had a great career, he was kind, loving, came from a great family, and was generally perfect boyfriend material. He was too good for me. I hadn’t really asked him outright if he had anyone, and he hadn’t been willing to offer the information. The day I saw him across the diner, my body had reacted as it always did to the sight of him. He was so much more than a teenage boyfriend. He helped me realise how strong I was, and that I deserved so much better than what I had. He made me realise that I was worth something and he gave me his love and his heart without asking for anything but love in return. Of course he would be taken, but why on earth didn’t he tell me? I knew why, of course I knew why, because I saw it in his eyes that first day. The hurt, the pain, the loss, it had never gone away, and as much as I hated to admit it, all the things I loved about Robert were still there. Had I ever really stopped loving him?

I managed to remain jovial and light at dinner.

“Where’s Robert?” Maria asked when I breezed back in and took my place at the table.

“He got a work call.” I smiled, taking a bite of my pasta. “Had to go.”

“Awww …” the kids said, disappointed.

“I’m sure he’ll call,” I said to Devon. Maria eyed me from my left hand side, and I could see her glare without turning my head.

We finished dinner and then the kids took their baths and got their pyjamas on. We sat with them reading, and still I didn’t mention anything to Maria, but I knew the minute their lights went out she’d be all over me for an explanation. They were in bed by 8, and as I made my way back into the lounge area from goodnight kisses, Maria pounced, wine in hand, and some Dairy Milk.

“Spill,” she said. “You look weird, like you’ve just seen a ghost or something.”

I sighed, “He’s engaged.”

“What? Where did that come from?” Maria asked, tearing at the Dairy Milk.

“The incessant doorbell was his girlfriend. She bloody followed him or something. She said she knew something was up, thought I was a bloody affair.”

“Shit,” Maria said. “Good thing I didn’t go down as I would have lamped her.”

“She called me a whore.” I laughed lightly at the absurdity of the situation.

Maria smiled. “Chance would be a fine thing.” We both laughed.

“She’s gorgeous Maria, all red hair, smooth skin, expensive suits. She’s American. So beautiful.”

“You are beautiful.” Maria put her hand on mine.

“No, Maria, she’s out of this world. It makes sense now. They just go together, both gorgeous with good jobs and pots of money. God, she’s ten out of ten, seriously.”

“She sounds high maintenance,” Maria sighed.

“Seriously, why didn’t he tell me?” I took a swig of wine.

“Sneaky bastard,” Maria said. “Thought he’d have his cake and eat it.”

“Well, not really, he never made a move on me or anything.”

“Oh, come on, he was all over you like a bloody rash, giving you the “’oh you look so pretty’ bollocks.”

“I know, I mean, I never thought we’d get back together or anything, but oh God, I just hate to think of him with anyone else, it’s ridiculous.” Tears filled my eyes and I tried not to let them fall.

“It’s only natural,” Maria said. “We hate to think of our exes with anyone else, especially when we’ve never met anyone else. He knew what he was doing. He was withholding information, letting you think he was single, letting you fall for him.”

“I wasn’t falling for him,” I sniffed.

“Of course not.” Maria hugged me to her. “You didn’t need to because you fell for him a long time ago.”

“I’m not an idiot. I know we couldn’t be together now but …”

“He let you imagine it.”

“He did, didn’t he?” I cried. “He came swishing into the diner, all gorgeous looking, flirting and making me feel like his number one girl again. I’m not that girl anymore and I won’t be again. Why do that?” The tears fell, and I couldn’t stop them.

“I think I know why,” Maria said. I didn’t speak, just looked to her with pain in my eyes. “The same reason why you feel so distraught about this. You still love each other.”

“But he’s had her this whole time. Why be like this with me? Why be flirty and friendly with me when he had her?”

“‘Cause she’s not you,” Maria said with a thin smile. “He’s just a sneaky bastard; they’re all the same.”

“You’re right. Ahhh … I’m so stupid.”

“No, he’s a sneaky bastard.”

“Agreed. They’re all sneaky bastards. Except Maxie,” I said.

“Of course, my son will treat women with respect.”

“Agreed.” And with that we chinked again, and I held back more tears as I imagined Robert begging Cecily to forgive him. I pictured him explaining to her about his teenage mistakes and begging her to help him build a relationship with his daughter. How could I watch as he and Cecily played happy family with Devon whilst I sat at home? I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid to think he hadn’t moved on.

Eleven

Eight Years Earlier

After mum was released from the hospital, life returned to normal, or what I considered normal. She stayed in her room most of the day, and I rarely saw her. She still drank and reminisced, and I pretended that that was normal. Robert had talked his mum into letting him stay over a couple of nights a week, telling her that he was staying in a guest room when there was no such thing in our house. There were just shrines to children that had run away or been taken too soon. Robert brought joy to our house. He brought laughter to my room and life to our home. Mum had nothing to say when she saw him there. If she was bothered by him staying she never mentioned it. I had introduced them, begrudgingly, when Robert had insisted, and she just smiled at him.

“The doctor’s boy,” she sighed, nursing a gin and tonic. “He’s a nice man, your father, my Jeff used to say you could trust him with your life. Good job seeing as he’s a doctor.” She chuckled to herself. “Dad did his car,” she rambled, nodding to me. I took that as our cue to back out of the room and into the kitchen.

“Best we get out before she heads into a full blown recollection of every sentence my father uttered.” I rolled my eyes. Robert pulled me close to him and kissed me hard on the mouth.

“She’s not that bad,” he sighed. “She just needs some attention.”

“Tell me that again when you’ve met her a few more times.”

We’d been seeing each other a couple of months now, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. It was wonderful and petrifying at the same time. I still saw Jane, and he still saw his school friends, but mostly we were together, and everything about Robert made me happy. He made me happier than I ever knew I could be. We hadn’t slept together yet. We had talked about it and had got a little further each time we were alone, but he seemed hesitant and I wasn’t sure why. I had condoms in my room and I knew he carried one in his wallet, but whenever I thought it might happen he’d slow down, and I didn’t want to be the one to push it. He made me feel special and held me so close that I could hear his heart beat. The very smell of him made me feel warm inside, and I had one of his t-shirts in my bed for when he wasn’t there. When I saw his number flash up on my phone, my heart skipped a beat, and every time I received a text from him I grinned like a Cheshire cat. I had finally met someone who made me feel something. I had finally met someone who I wanted to be with all the time and who gave me the hope that not everything in life ends in disaster.

A Saturday night, a few weeks later, one of Robert’s friends from school was having a party. He asked me if I wanted to bring Jane, but she had a family party that night. It was her aunt’s 40
th
. I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to go and be the only person there from a different school. Plus, they were all private school kids who probably had designer clothes and designer handbags. They would look down their noses at me. Robert assured me that it wouldn’t be like that and that we’d just go there for a few hours, have a few beers, and then leave to catch Big Brother.

“I don’t mind if you just go, you know,” I said on Saturday after work. “I’m exhausted. It’s been a busy day, and I’ll just have a bath and read my book.”

“Ah … come on, Grace, I told them all I’m bringing my gorgeous girlfriend. They’ll all think you’re a figment of my imagination.” We sat on the back step of the orangery smoking, and he pulled me close to him. “If you hate it we’ll leave.”

“Promise?” I said.

“I swear.”

I went upstairs to change and Robert stayed downstairs with mum who was having a lucid moment in the lounge.

“So Robert, what are your plans after sixth form?” I heard her ask as I climbed the stairs. She almost sounded like a normal parent.

“My Jamie wanted to be an astronaut,” she tittered. And there it was, the deceased elephant in the room. Poor Robert, he really tried his best with her, but she was beyond repair. She was like a record stuck on the year 1992.

I decided on one of Diane’s funky eighties dresses. It had pink spaghetti straps, a pink collar, and the main part of the dress was a mix of coloured swirls. It pulled in at the waist and then the skirt puffed out in a plume effect. It also had large pockets. It was one of my favourites. I teamed it with some dark pink peep toe stilettos and let my hair fall loose in tangles down my back. I added some make up and some false eyelashes and I was ready. As I stepped into the hall, Robert turned to face me and grinned widely. “Wow,” was all he could think to say.

I saw mum’s head appear from behind him, as she sat on her chair. “Just like Diane,” she quipped. “Steals the show, but isn’t half trouble.” I rolled my eyes.

“See you later!” I barked and Robert followed my lead. 

“‘Night Mrs Cooper!” She didn’t answer. As usual, she was distracted by the memories that her gin haze was conjuring up.

***

We walked to the bus stop at the end of the street. The party was a short bus ride away at a large house nearby. We would either get the last bus home or a taxi.

“You look so gorgeous,” Robert said pulling me to him and kissing me. “You take my breath away. No other girl ever gets it right like you.”

“You’re saying that ‘cause I’m you’re girlfriend.” I grinned.

“No, that’s why you’re MY girlfriend. No one else ever better try it on.”

“Or what?” I smirked.

“Or I’ll show him what for.” I laughed and kissed him again.

“Good job I’ve only got eyes for you.”

“Lucky me.” He grinned, pulling me into him and running his hands through my hair.

The bus arrived. Robert paid and we giggled as we made our way to the back. We laughed and joked on the back seat. We kissed and he ran his hands up and down my bare legs. He couldn’t keep his hands off me, and I’m sure it wasn’t particularly fair to any nearby passengers, but I didn’t care. I loved Robert wanting me this much and I loved that he felt so passionately about it.

When we arrived at the party I was in shock. The Banford’s home was large, but where their house was a new build with a converted attic, this place was a mansion. It faced the park and was magnificent compared to the other homes on the street. It was double fronted with two huge stone bay windows. It had a wrought iron balcony over the large, dark, wood front door, and the huge driveway held five cars with ease tonight.

“Blimey,” I said as we walked to the front door. “Who lives here, the Prime Minister?”

“Don’t say that,” Robert said. “Charlie will get a big head. His dad’s big in finance or something, come on.” He held my hand as we walked to the front door, and I struggled to keep up in my stilettos against the gravel drive.

As soon as we walked inside I regretted my outfit. Everyone else wore jeans and patterned tops with pumps and scarves. Charlie ran to Robert as soon as we walked in.

“Banny,” he barked, already a little drunk. “Welcome, welcome, come in the kitchen and get a beer or a vodka, or whatever. Hi!” He stuck his hand out to me. “I’m Charlie.”

“Hi.” I smiled. “Grace.”

“Welcome, Grace. So you’re the reason Banny is too busy for his mates this summer then!” I eyed Robert and smiled sweetly to Charlie.

“Come on.” Robert took me by the waist and led me to the kitchen.

He found us two beers from the tubs filled with ice and multitudes of bottles of different beers. “He’s hard work when he’s pissed,” Robert sighed.

“Ah … he’s all right.” I laughed.

“Right, come on. I’ll introduce you to some more of my mates.”

We made our way outside and Robert pulled out a twenty pack of cigarettes that we had just bought. He made his way over to a picnic table where some others sat smoking. “Hi,” he said to a group of four as we approached. He motioned for me to perch on the bench and handed me a cigarette with the lighter.

“Hi,” a girl said, next to me. She wore the compatible uniform of jeans and a coloured top with gold pumps on her feet. “I’m Liv.” I nodded to her.

“Grace,” I said, inhaling.

“Is this your new girlfriend Banny?” Liv asked Robert. He smiled. I didn’t like her implication that there had been many before me. We hadn’t discussed this and it annoyed me that she knew things I didn’t. I buried my jealousy and continued to smile.

“Yep,” Robert answered, casually. Liv inhaled and motioned to the girl and boy next to her.

“This is Sam and Jess.” I nodded to them and smiled again. This was going to be a long night.

After smoking, the group moved as one back into the house and I was stuck with Liv and Jess whilst Robert talked to Sam and another boy, Jake. The girls were pleasant enough but their inane chatter bored me. I ventured away from them and went to grab another beer.

“Help yourself,” Charlie said, appearing behind me as I did just that.

“Thanks.” I smiled. “Great party.”

“Thanks. Sexy dress,” he slurred.

“Um, thanks,” I said, side stepping him to make my way back to the group.

“I mean she looks like an extra from an eighties movie,” I heard Liv say as I approached, “and those eyelashes, I mean who is she, Jordan?” They both laughed and I coughed as I approached to make them aware that I was there. They both jumped and had the decency to look guilty, perhaps hoping I didn’t hear. I stood next to Robert and whispered in his ear.

“Cigarettes, please.” He looked at me.

“Five minutes,” he said, arms crossed, deep in conversation, smiling.

“Just give them to me. I’m going out now.”

He looked at me, confused, handed them over, and continued his conversation.

I took my drink and burst into the cool night air. It was still fairly light and thankfully the bench was empty. I took a deep breath, removed my shoes, and padded over to the bench. I lit a cigarette and leaned back onto the table of the picnic bench, taking in the stars as I sat there.

After a minute or two I heard someone approach and I sat up.

“Hey, sexy.” Charlie staggered towards me. “You are one sexy bitch,” he stuttered.

“Erm … you’re drunk.” I smiled.

“Bloody Banny has to bag the hottest girl I’ve ever seen,” he said, placing his hand on my leg.

“Err … hands off!” I yelped, jumping up.

“Ah … come on. You girls love having more than one boy on the go at once. I’d show you a good time,” he slurred.

“You girls?” I asked indignantly.

“Yeah, you easy girls!” he barked. “Why else would you dress like you fancy, a bit?”

I shook my head. “You’re a dick!” I shouted at him. “And with your IQ you’ll be living off daddy’s money for the rest of your life.” I turned to stomp off, and Liv and Jess stood watching me.

I just shouldered past them, grabbed my shoes, and rushed past Robert out of the house. He saw me and grabbed my arm.

“Where you going?” he asked.

“Home,” I said, shrugging him off.

“Wait, I thought we were having a good time.”

“You were!” I barked.

I yanked the large front door open, shoes in hand and stood negotiating the gravel and whether I could walk over it bare foot when Robert burst out.

“Hey, stop! What are you doing? What happened?”

“They’re all dicks!” I shouted, deciding to put my shoes back on.

“Come on, just come back in, who upset you? I’ll sort it.”

“You can’t sort it Robert. You can’t change who I am, and that’s the only way I’ll fit in with all those toffs.”

“Ah, Grace.” He laughed, “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Am I?” I shouted, mounting the gravel and walking away. “Then you go and hang around with your precious friends and I’ll go home. I’d rather enjoy the company of my crazy mother than this pile of arseholes.”

“Hey, these are my friends!” he shouted, following me. “And you haven’t given them a chance!”

“Haven’t I?” He grabbed my arm again, and I shrugged it free.

“We’ve only been here an hour.”

“Well, that was long enough for your snobby, bitchy girl friends to make fun of my dress, and your mate Charlie to tell me I am easy. So I suppose another hour might be a bit too much for me.”

“Whatever, Grace, come on.”

“Fine, whatever. Fuck you, Robert. Fuck you for bringing me here. Fuck you for leaving me to chat shit to your mates, and fuck you for not believing me. Just fuck off.” I started to teeter down the street, back to the bus stop and rage filled me from head to toe.

“No, fuck you, Grace!” he shouted. “Typical Grace, just walk away! Go on and fuck off!” he yelled.

So I did. I took my shoes off half way to the bus stop and started to cry. I would never fit in with these people. I wasn’t like Robert. I was a fuck up who wore her sister’s clothes from the eighties and who wanted her eyelashes to look like Jordan. I didn’t have money to throw about making sure I fit into the latest fashion trend, and I didn’t have a rich daddy whose house I could wreck getting drunk at the weekend. If these were Robert’s friends then maybe he was more like them than I knew, and maybe it was best I found out now.