Waiting for Grace (23 page)

On Thursday, I worked hard through my birthday and felt butterflies in my stomach for the night to come. How would it feel to actually be out with Robert on a date after so many years. We had been alone together, firstly for me to tell him about Devon and watch his shocked response, and then for him to explain things to me about Cecily, but finally this would be different. I didn’t know if embarking on a relationship with him was a good idea, but for once my heart was winning and the more time we were apart the more I yearned for him. There was still so much to talk about and still so much painful history that we hadn’t discussed at length, but there were also lots of happy memories, too. We had been each other’s everything and to lose him all those years ago was like losing a limb, something I promised myself I would never allow to happen to me again. I spent three months crying myself to sleep and aching with loss, as I had never allowed myself to need someone before. When I finally snapped out of the pain and assessed my new reality, I had built a pretty big defence mechanism that only Maria and the kids were ever allowed to crack. Yet the feelings that flowed back into me for Robert were dangerously close to what I had before, want, need, desire and most definitely love.

I got home from work at the usual time and the kids were already in their pyjamas. Maria was nursing a glass of wine in her jogging bottoms with a tired expression. They had all given me presents in the morning, and Robert had been texting all day. I felt loved, but couldn’t allow myself to embrace the feeling of completeness because it was all so new and there were some issues lingering in the background.

I quickly jumped in the shower, washed and dried my hair at super speed, and tried to find something nice that wasn’t too dressy. The problem was that I was never very good at shopping or choosing clothes and so I didn’t shop very often. There wasn’t much to choose from. I finally chose skinny jeans, a loose, black satin top, with lace details at the shoulders, and black stiletto heels. The outfit was completed with a pale blue blazer. My make-up was subtle, but more than I would wear to work, and I wore my heavy fringe to the side.

I walked into the lounge just before eight.

“Wit woo,” Maria said, looking back at me from the couch. “Looking hot, momma, is that my blazer?” She laughed.

“You have the best taste.” I smiled. “This okay?”

“Oh God, yes. You make it look better than I do.”

“Doubtful,” I said making my way to sit down with them, transferring my essential items into a smaller bag for the night out.

“Right, shall I put these two to bed?” I said.

“Ah … no it’s okay. I’m having a cuddle,” she sighed, one child under each arm glued to the TV.

“Right well,” I had a quick swig of her wine, “I’m nervous,” I whispered to her.

“Why?” she said eyes wide, a hint of a smile on her face. I rolled my eyes and as I did the doorbell rang.

“Right,” I hopped up and kissed them all, “see you later.”

I made my way downstairs and when I reached the front door I peered through the peep hole to ensure that it was Robert. There he was, waiting for me, and I had to take a deep breath to steady my nerves. I pulled the door open with a smile and he beamed at me, his eyes roaming up and down my body.

“Wow,” he said, stepping into the doorway, “you look amazing, Grace, I am the luckiest man in the world.”

“Oh God, shut up, when did you become so mushy?” I slapped his arm jokingly, and he pulled me into them as I did.

“Happy Birthday,” he said, kissing my head. I looked up at him and he took my breath away. I was so nervous, excited, and apprehensive all at the same time and I wondered if he would kiss me tonight. If finally I’d get to feel those lips on me again and if he would feel like mine, as he always did before. We became so close in the time we were together; we were like one person. The thought of him kissing anyone but me made me feel uneasy. How could there be so much of me left for this man after all the years we had been apart?

He held my stare and smiled, “Is Devon in bed or can I go up and give her a kiss goodnight?” I loved that he loved Devon and was as much of a father as if he had been there for the past six years.

“Yes she’s awake, come on.” I led him upstairs and let him in where he made his way inside, chatting to them briefly, and kissing Devon goodnight whilst I watched from the doorway. I waved as we left, and he put his arm around my waist.

“Come on, let’s get this party started,” he teased as we made our way outside. He wore dark jeans and a black shirt, open at the neck with a dark suit jacket over the top. His blonde hair was tamed slightly and he looked just amazing. He looked expensive and tasteful, and I could never compete with that.

He took my hand and there was a taxi waiting; we slipped inside.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Somewhere disgusting.” He grinned.

I shook my head and he pulled me to him, his arm around me in the back of the cab. “Sometimes I can’t believe we’re back in touch,” he sighed.

“I know,” I said in a small voice.

“It’s all I’ve ever wanted, you know. I won’t mess this up Grace. I promise, just trust me.”

I smiled at him, it was a bit too early for deep and meaningful conversations, but Robert had never been one to let me hide from emotion. He must have sensed that that was all I had to offer, and so we fell into easy conversation about Devon, self-defence, Maria, and his work.

After fifteen minutes or so we pulled up at South Bank in front of the illuminated Oxo Tower.

“This is disgusting?” I teased as he paid the driver.

“I took a chance.” He winked. “Hoping you wouldn’t mind one drink in the lap of luxury.” He took my hand and led me inside. We made our way to a bank of lifts and Robert checked in with the concierge who sent us straight up in the lift to the 8
th
Floor. When the lift opened the views were amazing straight away. The Thames lit up below us, and the crisp winter night’s sky allowed us to see London illuminated in all its beauty.

“Wow,” I sighed.

“First time here?” Robert asked, leading me to an empty table in the window. I nodded. “Me too,” he whispered in my ear as we took a seat.

“Right, order whatever you want and then we can either eat at the restaurant here, or you can choose somewhere else,”

“Here is great,” I said, still admiring the view, “I love this city.” I grinned.

“Me too.”

We ordered two cocktails. I ordered a Brief Encounter and Robert a Hope and Glory. When they arrived we both sipped them and tried each other’s. His was dry and not to my taste, and so I was glad for my sweet drink. The alcohol took the edge off my nerves a little, but I couldn’t help but regard Robert as he drank in the view. He was so calm and yet so commanding that I couldn’t believe Cecily had let him go so easily. There must have been so many women over the years that I struggled to understand what was so special about me.

“Happy Birthday,” he said, raising his glass to me and I to him. Then he slid a wrapped oblong box over the table to me.

I grinned. “You got me a present?”

“Of course.” He leaned forward. “Open it.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“You haven’t seen it yet.” I tentatively unwrapped the present and recognised the blue Tiffany box inside. I had never been lucky enough to have one before and I was overwhelmed. “You spent too much.”

“Rubbish.” He shook his head. I opened the box to find a delicate, silver link chain inside with a diamante hoop that was hooked through a silver bar. It held a charm in the shape of a heart that said ‘Tiffany and Co.’ It was beautiful, and no one had ever bought me jewellery before.

“Wow.” I gasped. “I love it.” He took the box and eased the bracelet out.

“Try it on,” he urged. I took it from him and slid it over my wrist; it looked amazing.

“Thank you, ” I said again, looking into his beautiful eyes.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered, sliding his hand over the table and touching where the bracelet sat on my wrist. “It looks great on you.”

I laughed lightly and watched him run his finger over my wrist. It made me warm inside and I loved feeling his touch. We chatted easily and drank our cocktails. He made me feel like the most important person in the room.

“So,” I said tentatively, on my second cocktail, “what happened with Cecily then?”

“You want to talk about this on your birthday and our first date?”

“This is our first date?” I smiled shyly.

“Well technically, it was an ice cream at Giorgio’s back home, but yes.”

“Yes, I just want to know.”

He groaned, “Well she threw me out.” I was confused.

“Oh,” so he hadn’t made some sweeping statement to choose me after all.

“Look it’s not what you think, okay, I’m not here now because she threw me out. After I first saw you, the very first time in the diner, I knew there was no future for Cecily and me. Even if you were married, had ten kids, and never wanted to speak to me again, I knew that I had to have what we had, not what I had with her.” He sighed. “The thing is that she was away in New York when I first met you, and then you told me about Devon and it was all just so much, but from the moment I saw you again I withdrew, and she knew it. I felt dreadful for that, and so I tried to make it right but it couldn’t be.”

“Oh,” I said again.

“The truth is, after I saw you, I couldn’t touch her, look at her, and hardly heard what she said. All I thought about was you and she figured that out pretty damn quick. She fought for a while and eventually she just blew up and threw me out. Perhaps it was the cowards way out, but Grace, she just didn’t deserve for me to break her heart.”

“I know, if only Owen hadn’t come in that day, your life would have just continued as it was supposed to.”

“Grace, never say that. I was just existing and going through the motions in a life that was missing you.”

“Robert, after all these years how can you be so sure?”

“Are you joking? After all these years I have never been so sure. I was a mess. I was like the walking dead for six months after we split up and I learned how to get by, looking for you in every brown-haired girl that passed me by. This,” he motioned between us, “this is what was always meant to be, you and me. I know I’m being full on and I really don’t want to scare you away, Grace, but when you wonder if I’m sure, I’m telling you I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

I leaned forward to sip my drink and he placed his hand on mine. “Do you feel that way too, Grace?” I looked into his big blue eyes and couldn’t believe how much he set me on fire; I nodded. He pulled his chair a little closer to mine and took my drink placing it back on the table. Then he leaned in and touched my face gently with his hand. “I love you, Grace, it’s always been you.” Then he leaned in and kissed me gently on my lips.

After a few drinks we decided not to go to the restaurant. We were enjoying ourselves and decided to try a different bar with admittedly less stunning views. We made our way out into the cold night and he hugged me close. The night was dry and crisp, and as we walked out into the dark, Robert pulled me into another embrace, kissing me again. This time we weren’t in a busy bar and so he made it count, he snuck his tongue into my mouth, and I could smell his delicious scent as he pulled me closer. I breathed him in and let him consume me. It was scary and amazing at the same time. He pulled away and grinned at me.

“No one else makes me feel like you do.” He sighed. I had no idea how to respond.

We moved onto the next bar, another highbrow place that would make me feel inferior if I weren’t a little drunk. Robert ordered a bottle of champagne and got the DJ to say “happy birthday” to me over the microphone, dedicating a song to me. I laughed as he danced and pulled me into his embrace. We both smiled at each other, wrapped together, moving to the song.

“Why are we so drawn to each other?” I asked as we swayed. “I can feel it, but my head won’t accept that it’s right. We both should have moved on, both should have forgotten about this.”

“How could we? The day we broke up we were still in love, we were still each other’s everything and I wasn’t ready for it to be over.”

I looked at him, but my expression became sad. “It’s just nostalgia.”

“No,” he shook his head and his words were slightly slurred, “no Grace,” he lowered himself to look into my eyes at eye level, “the day I saw you again you took my breath away, and yes it was a reminder of everything I had and everything that made me so happy, but these past few weeks have been the happiest of my life, with Devon and you.” He leaned his forehead on mine and held my hair away from my face, “It’s as if the time apart has made me realise that at sixteen I was complete and now I feel it again. You are my life.”

“But I’m not right for you, look at me. I’m shabby and you’re chic, you said it yourself the day you left. I’m never going to be what you deserve.” He closed his eyes and kissed me on the lips softly.

“You have no idea how much I have regretted those words every day since then, I didn’t mean it. I was trying to hurt you.”

“It worked,” I said in a small voice.

Twenty-One

Seven Years Earlier

Grace

After the afternoon at Ange's flat, I was very low. I knew deep down that we wouldn’t find Diane at that address, but there was a trail. We did have hope. It just didn’t seem enough. I marched ahead of Robert on the way back to the tube station and avoided his hand holding on the way back to the Youth Hostel.

He stopped dead when we stepped off the train. I turned to see his anger boil over. “What is wrong with you? What the fuck have I done?” he shouted.

I looked to the floor, “Nothing, okay? But sometimes a person just needs to be alone, not talking, not touched and dealing with their own grief.” I didn’t want him to touch me, he had everything and I had nothing. My anger was misplaced but I was seething. He had no idea how it felt to fantasise about someone making you feel safe, thinking about it so much that you can taste it and then having it tugged away. Diane had been the safe haven that I dreamed of at home when things were really bad. She was the one thing that I always thought could make everything right and now that seemed to be crumbling. Robert couldn’t understand that as he had always lived in his safe haven, he never had to dream about it.

“So you’re the person? And you want to be alone? That can be arranged.” He walked away from me in the bustling tube station, and I watched him leave with no intention of following. An hour later I was circling the Youth Hostel, I knew he’d be inside waiting for me, and I was dreading having to talk about how I felt, as I didn’t understand it myself. I had never known Diane, but somehow she had become my lifeline, my chance at normal, and my fantasy in my dismal life. I had an address and that was my focus and, despite what Robert gave me, suddenly I had nothing. I decided to get some cash, check my bank account, and buy a kebab. Then I would slope back to our room and make my excuses.

I got ten pounds and checked my balance. Shit, there was a thousand pounds in there. I almost fainted with shock; it must have been Mum. She found the note and after eight weeks away, she was finally putting some money in my account. I wasn’t touched. I wasn’t missing her, but this gave me options and they started to flash though my head. I bought my kebab and some chips intending to share with Robert and made my way back to the hostel amongst the post work traffic of people. I made my way inside, knocked on our door, and Robert appeared. He let me in without saying a word and sat on the bed. Our bags were packed.

“Robert, what? You packed our stuff?”

“Well, not much was unpacked, but yes.”

“Why?”

He stood and made his way to me slowly, taking me in his arms, my kebab and chips still in a carrier bag in my hand. “We have to go home, now Grace, the trip’s over.”

“No,” I pushed him away, “no she’s trying to find that card; she’s going to ring us.”

“And when she does we’ll come right back, but my mum rang again and we should go. If we stay here any longer she’ll be coming here to collect us.”

“Collect you,” I muttered, “No one wants me home, and no one misses me.”

“Grace …” he began.

“Look I’ve got some food, let’s eat it, and we can talk.”

“What is there to talk about? Us staying in this hostel the rest of our lives?” he spat. “I still stink of smoke, all our clothes do, I’m tired, we’re broke and it’s time to go home.”

He’d made his case and I knew how he felt, not because I felt that way, but because I knew how it must be for him to be away from Barbara and Bob and his brothers. When he was low, damaged or tired, they were his comfort, not me. He pretended we were a team, but he already had a team and I needed to find mine.

“When?” I asked quietly, sitting on the bed.

“Tomorrow, first thing.” I nodded soberly and opened the food.

He sat next to me and threw his arm around me. “It’s the best thing,” he said pulling me close, “You’ll see, one more year and we can travel again.”

I nodded, we opened the food and shared the kebab and chips, I was starving and despite my low mood and my hostility to him, we both managed to polish the lot off.

That night Robert pulled me into his arms. He kissed me all over, trying to heal the wounds that were far too deep to be healed. He kissed me, made love to me, and made me feel like he always did, cherished. Afterwards as he held me in his arms, I made the most of drinking him in, smelling him and making memories that I could always return to, as tomorrow I wasn’t sure if I could force myself to go home. There was nothing for me there, and the thought of returning to my mum made bile rise in my throat. I was aware that Robert was the only good thing in my life, but he was trying to return me to hell when this summer had been my release.

The next morning was stifling. He packed the final items and I sat on the bed.

“I don’t think I can go,” I said quietly.

“Grace,” he scolded. “The tickets are paid for, I bought them yesterday.”

I shook my head and tears appeared in my eyes. “I can’t go back to that life, Robert.”

“Look,” he bent down in front of me and took my hands in his, “it’s our home. We can’t stay here forever, we need to go home, do well at school, get the grades, and then we can do what we want.”

“Who says?” I snapped.

“Me, come on Grace, there’s nothing here for us.”

“And I’ve got so much at home?” I shouted.

“You’ve got me.” He stood up and grabbed the bags, we had abandoned a lot of stuff we couldn’t carry and wouldn’t need again like the camping equipment and summer clothes that were worn from being hand washed on campsites. “I’m there for you.”

“That’s not enough for me, Robert.”

He glared at me. “What?” he snapped. “Are you taking the piss? Everything I do seems to be for you, Grace, and that’s not enough.”

“What I mean is you’ve got it all, and I’ve got nothing, nothing except you. You get to go back to the cushy life and the planned future whilst I rot in that house with a wino.”

“I’ll never let that happen to you, Grace,” he said softly, “I’ll be with you every God damn night if that’s what it takes.”

I smiled at him thinly. My life was still too much of a nightmare for him to even see. “Come on.” He ushered me out of the room, carrying both our bags whilst I carried only my handbag. I followed him soberly and we descended into the underground to get to Euston Station from Kings Cross. It was busy; there were people everywhere. I felt like they were running around as I sauntered along.

“Grace!” Robert barked, inundated with bags. “Come on!” He got behind me and urged me forwards.
         

We made it to Euston with twenty minutes to spare and Robert frantically searched the televisions that gave platform information. “Platform Four!” he shouted and I followed him. We got to the platform, but there was no train. The television on that platform informed us that the train would arrive in ten minutes. Robert made his way through the crowds of people and found a seat for me on the edge of a bench. I was quiet, despondent, and he was angry.

“For fuck’s sake Grace, you knew this summer couldn’t last forever,” he said firmly, quiet enough so other people wouldn’t hear.

“I know,” I shook my head. “I’m just not ready for it to be over and to say goodbye to my dream.”

“Of what?” he barked, his voice getting higher. “Your dream of meeting some stranger, a fucking sister who never gave you the time of day, never gave a shit about you, but who you’re weirdly obsessed with?” I looked at him with tears in my eyes, but his jaw remained firm and his eyes locked with mine “I’m tired and I’m sick of this bullshit!” he spat. “You’ll get on this train, we’ll go home, and get back to reality.”

I wanted to scream that that wasn’t the reality I wanted, and I had no idea before now how ridiculous Robert saw my looking for Diane. We were silent. The platform became busier, and I sat on the bench taking deep breaths. The train arrived and he stood to get aboard.

“No!” I shouted, as he took my arm.

“Grace, for fuck’s sake.”

“I’m not going,” I cried. “I can’t go back there.”

“Get on the train,” he shouted. People started to filter on board and some looked at our spectacle as they did. “I’m tired, I’m ready for home, come on.”

I stood firm and refused to look into his eyes.

“Ahhh!” he shouted at no one in particular dropping the bags and pacing. “Grace!” he yelped. “This is fucking crazy, you are fucking crazy. I had no idea you were this fucked up!” he barked. I stared straight ahead. I had no idea what to say. Had he only just realised I was fucked up?

“You might want to live here in squalor, Grace, but I won’t do that. I’ve got a life, a future, and I need to make that happen. I can’t stay here and be some sort of homeless wannabe with you.” Again, I had no response. “I’m going places and just because you’re not, I can’t let you hold me back.”

“I knew this was a bad idea. I knew you’d go fucking crazy if you tried to find your runaway sister, Jesus, Grace, I’m giving you a lifeline here. I want to love you, help you, get you away from being a waster. Let me.”

“Oh, tell me how you really feel,” I said bitterly, tears running down my face.

“Oh tell you how I really feel? Well Jesus, Grace, I swooped in and saved you from a life full of nothing, I have offered you an alternative to that lunatic you live with, allowed you to be part of my life, risked the wrath of my mother to take you on the summer of your life, and after all you just want to be the dosser you were supposed to be, wandering around London. Don’t you want to make something of your life, go to college? Uni? Be better than this?”
   I looked at him. I saw the contempt in his eyes for me, the hatred for the person I was deep down under the exterior that he found so appealing.

“You need me, Grace, otherwise you’ll end up crazy like the rest of your family.” I managed to gain composure and look him in the eyes.

“Don’t do me any favours,” I barked, grabbing my bag and using all my energy to push him away.

“Grace,” he shouted, tears in his eyes too, “I …”

“Fuck off!” I spat, tears streaming down my cheeks. “You’re not my saviour, no one is. I don’t need a fucking saviour, all I need is me, it’s always been just me.”

“Fine,” he shouted, picking up his bags. “Have it your own way, I’m tired of this shit, of your shit, I’ve got a life, too.”

“Go and live it then,” I said, turning before I had to watch him leave. I walked as fast as I could and heard the beeping of the train doors from behind me. I turned to see the train begin to depart, and as I watched, I fleetingly hoped that maybe he hadn’t gone maybe this was a dream, and I wasn’t all alone in this big city. Then I remembered his words, remembered how he really felt, and that maybe he had been hiding this for the past year. Did he really love me or grow to hate me? He was gone with the train, and I was alone again with my life.

I took my phone out of my handbag, turned it off, and threw it in the bin. I didn’t want him to call; I didn’t want any of them to call. I wanted this life, I wanted to embrace this city, and I’d find my family somewhere, people who I belonged to. It might not be Diane and it would no longer be Robert, but I refused to give up hope. I was strong and going home to my old life was a mistake, a step backwards. From now on I was moving forward and the first agenda item was finding a job.

Robert

I sat on the train and I was fizzing with anger. She was such a selfish bitch. We came all this way to London just for her, my car fucking died, we have no money, and it’s time to go home. Talking to my mum on the phone made me miss her. Maybe I was a pussy, but I missed my mum and dad and I wanted to go back to college, wanted to go to university, and I wanted to please my parents. I could be a rebel with Grace, but my life had been mapped out for so long that I didn’t feel right straying from that. I respected my parents and what they had done for me. The least I could do was make them proud.

I looked back as I boarded the train and I hesitated. I watched her from behind, struggling to lift the bag high above her head. Her jeans slung low on her tanned waist, her dark, tangled hair falling down her back over her pink t- shirt. Everything about that view made me want her. No matter how difficult she was being, I wanted her, but I had to realise that we were always heading down two different paths. The boy who would do anything for this girl was urging me to try again to convince her, but the man I was becoming was stubborn. She was making this decision, not me. I had tried to convince her, and she had pushed so hard that I had exploded. I was right, she was lucky to have me. I had tried everything to make her realise that, but still she threw it back in my face. I turned away from her and boarded. The doors closed and I watched through the glass panel as she continued to walk. Then, as we pulled away from the station, she began to turn. It was then that I saw true devastation and I started to wonder what I had done.

When I found a seat, I was sure she’d call. I was sure she would want to apologise, so I turned my music on with my headphones in and let my head fall back onto the seat. I half expected her to ask me to get off the train and wait for her at a station on the way home. After an hour she hadn’t called and my anger had subsided and panic began to creep in. What had I done? Despite her tough exterior and isolated childhood, she was just as pampered as me, and not used to the real world, whatever that may be. She had no money and nowhere to go, and I had just abandoned her at a train station where any weirdo or pervert could take advantage or abduct her. This didn’t look good for my arrival home, to my mum who would completely freak that I had left my seventeen-year old girlfriend alone in a strange city. I was plagued by these thoughts and then reassured that she had practically pushed me away and had no intention of returning. So it was this, or stay there. I should have waited, told my mum to come. I started to panic. It was then after an hour and a half that I caved in and called her mobile. This was the first of many connections to her answering machine.