Wagonmaster (13 page)

He was sorely tempted. “Darlin', you need your rest.”

“It's still early.” Her fingers slid along the length of him. “And I had a nap today. Remember?” Whispering against his lips, she licked and sucked between her words. “Please?” Her tongue teased the tip of his while her hand curled around his growing arousal. “I want more.”

Well past midnight, she slept curled against his side. He shouldn't have made love to her again. He should have let her sleep. Fortunately, she could sleep late in the morning. The train needed another day of rest and more time to hunt and fish to replenish the food supplies.

The knowledge that she could rest did little to ease the nagging guilt. He shouldn't be sleeping with her at all. Not only was it morally wrong, but every time he touched her, the need to keep her grew stronger. She was too good for him. Yes, she was strong enough to endure the hardships of the west. But like Sarah, Addie had grown up with silks and servants, money and comforts. Things he couldn't give her.

Adelaide Jennings deserved much better than anything he had to offer.

Addie moved quietly, donning her warmest clothes. She'd debated whether or not to stay where she was only briefly before crawling out of her warm bed. Joshua still slept. It was very early, but her growling stomach would not be ignored. She was starving. Reaching for her boots, she sat gingerly on the edge of the bed to put them on.

“What are you doing?” The tone of Joshua's words clearly conveyed his disapproval.

“I'm getting dressed.”

He sat up. “You should sleep.”

She finished tying her boots and stood up. She leaned down and kissed him hard. “I'm famished. I need breakfast.”

He sighed. “But you didn't sleep much.”

“I slept enough. And other than a rumbling belly, I feel wonderful. You can sleep if you want. I'll bring you some coffee when it's ready.” She slipped on her coat.

“Addie.” His disapproving tone held a warning.

She turned back to him. Even in the dim light cast by the lamp she'd lit, concern lined his usually guarded features. She shook her head. “I'll nap later if I get tired. I promise. But right now I need food.”

He nodded, appeased by her promise. “Food sounds good. Give me a minute. I'll start a fire.”

* * * *

The following days progressed swiftly for Addie. The train was moving again. During the daylight hours she worked until her muscles ached. At night she lay in Joshua's arms. With the sun setting earlier, the train spent fewer hours traveling, and advancement slowed to some extent. They passed the old road to Fort Boise. The settlement had been abandoned in 1854 after flooding and Indian attacks. Continuing at a steady pace, Baker City was now less than a week away.

Mixed feelings confused Addie. She couldn't wait to see her father again. It had been so long. But as they neared Baker City, she found herself praying for more time with Joshua.

He showed no signs of changing his mind. Though he loved her tenderly and passionately every night, he'd never once mentioned staying with her. They'd talked one night about how several families, including the Wheelers, would be making their homes near Baker City. But others planned to go further west. After allowing everyone time to purchase supplies, the train would continue on toward Oregon City.

And Joshua would be going with them. He was obligated, of course. He was the Wagonmaster. But he hadn't spoken of returning to Baker City after the other families reached their destination. The frightening possibility remained that when he left with the train, she'd never see him again. Knowing that made the time she spent with him bittersweet.

Part of her wanted to beg him to come back for her. She wouldn't. Couldn't. He didn't want a wife. He'd be unhappy trapped in an unwanted marriage. She loved him. And though her heart was already breaking, she would let him go. She'd enjoy whatever time he'd give her. Then she'd set him free. No regrets.

After breakfast, Addie and Jimmy cleaned up while Joshua scouted ahead. She tugged the leads to hitch up the oxen.

Elias Wheeler ran toward her. “Mrs. Reynolds! Ma's sick.” He grabbed Addie's hand and yanked. “You've got to help her.”

Addie lifted her skirts and ran, fear slicing through her. The cholera was over. It had to be.

“What is it?” Braced for whatever diagnosis she announced, Joshua's stoic face betrayed his concern.

Addie smiled. “Nothing to worry about. She's fine. It's perfectly normal.”

“Normal?”

Addie nodded. “Morning sickness. She's pregnant.”

Josh wiped a hand over his face and breathed a sigh of relief. His gaze jerked back to her. His complexion paled for an instant, and he turned away. “Let's get moving then.”

The day passed slowly. They paused briefly to eat a midday meal, but Joshua didn't join her and Jimmy. He took a biscuit and a piece of meat and climbed back on his horse. At supper, he spoke little. Although he was never what she'd call talkative, tonight he did no more than nod or answer in short, clipped phrases.

Now she waited for him to return from his nightly rounds. It was taking far longer than expected. She told herself not to worry, but it didn't work. He'd been avoiding her all day. In fact, it had begun that very morning.

She'd awakened early. Unable to resist, she'd let her hands explore him. They'd made love quickly, feverishly. Afterwards, he'd withdrawn. What had she done to upset him? Was he angry with her?

Addie sighed with relief when Joshua stepped into the wagon. A blast of cold air entered with him. She shivered and moved toward him. “It's awfully cold. You shouldn't have stayed out so long.”

“I'm fine.” He removed his hat.

She reached for the buttons on his coat, smiling up at him. “Kiss me. That always makes me warm. Maybe it'll work for you too.”

Covering her hands with his gloved ones, he stilled her attempt to remove his coat. “Addie.” A gruff tone edged his voice. “We can't sleep together anymore.”

A lump formed in her throat. After their heated lovemaking of last night and early this morning, this was not what she had expected. But she'd known something was wrong. She stepped back and nodded stiffly. “I understand.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You do?”

“Yes, of course.” She turned her back to him, rubbing her arms for warmth. “It's all right.” Tears threatened, but she blinked them away quickly.

“Addie, I….” He cleared his throat. “I wish things were different.”

Lifting her chin, she turned back to him. She forced a small smile. “I wouldn't change anything, Joshua. No regrets.” His brows furrowed, but she refused to allow him to feel guilty. “Truly. It's all right. I'd hoped I could enjoy your company until we parted, but I'm not completely naïve. I knew you'd lose interest. And I—”

“Lose interest? What the hell are you talking about?”

She ground her teeth together. “I'm a grown woman. I may not have much experience, but I'm not stupid. I knew when you'd had your fill it would be over.”

He shook his head. The muscles in his jaw worked. He sucked his lower lip in and bit it, the tips of his teeth showing. He closed his eyes, and a feral growl rumbled in his throat. When finally he lifted his lids, his dark eyes glowed with

anger. “I gave you too much credit. I thought you were smarter than this.”

“Why are you so angry? Did you expect me to cry and beg you not to go?”

He yanked his gloves off and yelled at her, “Damn it, Addie, you know I want you.” He threw the gloves on the trunk.

His mouth slammed down on hers. He pushed past her lips to ravage her mouth, commanding her response. His hands tangled in her hair and tugged just enough to cause a twinge of pain. His rage overpowered her. She could taste it in his kiss. But desire accompanied the fury. He still wanted her.

He broke off the kiss. Their ragged breathing fractured the silence. He laid his forehead against hers. His voice low and rough, he asked, “Do you still think I don't want you?”

She shook her head. “Why don't you want to sleep with me anymore?”

He groaned and unbuttoned his coat. “I never said I didn't want to. I said we can't.”

“Why not?”

He grasped her shoulders. “Because the more often we make love, the more likely it is you'll get pregnant.”

She shrugged beneath his hands. “I wouldn't mind.”

His brows arched, and his hands fell away. He snapped his jaw shut, and his expression turned dark.

“Don't look at me like that, Joshua. I wouldn't try to force you to stay with me. I don't know why you won't believe me. I gave you my word. You'll have your divorce.”

“I know. That's not what worries me. If there's a baby—”

“I'm perfectly capable of raising a child. I've plenty of money. The child would want for nothing.”

“Except a father!” His temper exploded. “I won't abandon my child, Addie. Or do you expect me to let someone else raise him?”

“What?”

He paced back and forth in the confined space. “When you get to Baker City, you'll have a dozen men begging you to marry them. Do you think I'm going to let one of them raise my child?”

Addie couldn't stop the deprecating laugh that escaped. She sank down on the bed. “I'm twenty-three years old, Joshua. I've never had a single proposal. I had a suitor once. He called on me twice before his parents told him I was unsuitable.” He stopped his pacing and stared at her, surprise replacing the cold, dark anger in his eyes. “I told you. I'm a social pariah. No man wants a wife who's better educated than he is. I'm too opinionated, and as you've pointed out time and again, far too stubborn. And look at me. I'm plain. Not even my father's money can entice a man to propose to me.”

Raking his hands through his hair, he denied her claim. “I'll admit you're more stubborn than a mule, but you're not plain. You're beautiful. And I—”

“You don't have to say that. But thank you. In fact, when you kiss me, touch me….” Her eyes misted. “I feel beautiful.”

A grinned flirted with the corners of his mouth. “No one will ever accuse you of being vain.” He leaned down. “I know you own a mirror. When was the last time you used it?” He lowered his head and brushed her lips with a tender kiss. “You're beautiful, Addie. Whether you know or not. You are.”

“I doubt many men would agree with you. But nevertheless, I won't be receiving dozens of proposals. I'm not the kind of woman men want to marry.”

He pulled her to her feet and drew her into his arms. “You're wrong, darlin'. This is the West. And here, you're exactly the kind of woman a man wants.” He kissed her forehead. “You're strong. That makes you the kind of woman a man needs out here. I learned that the hard way.”

Addie wound her arms around his waist with a sigh. “Even if you're right, I won't be getting married. I want to take care of my father.” Lifting her face, she smiled at him. “Maybe
he
needs a strong woman.”

“He's a lucky man. But he's sick, Addie. He won't live forever. What are you going to do when he's gone?”

“I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead.”

He grunted. “I want you to have choices, darlin'. But I'm not as generous as you. If you're carrying my child, I won't let you go.”

Her heart swelled. A part of her prayed she was pregnant already. But another part couldn't bear to have him tied to her when he didn't want a wife. “I doubt you need to worry about that.”

“Promise me you'll tell me if there's a baby.”

She met his piercing gaze. “I promise. But you're putting the cart before the horse. There's probably no baby.”

“For your sake, I hope not. And that's why we can't sleep together anymore.” He released her and reached for his gloves and hat. Before he put them on, he stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I can't stay with you. Lyin' next to you all night without touchin' you will drive me plum loco.”

“But it's so cold.”

“Put an extra blanket on the bed.”

She rolled her eyes. “Not me. You. You'll be cold.”

He stepped to the end of the wagon. “I'll be fine, darlin'. Sweet dreams.”

The canvas fell, and she listened to his footsteps as he walked away. Tears filled her eyes, and her heart ached with the loss. She crawled beneath the covers, clutching the pillow with one hand, the other covering her belly. The thought of Joshua's child growing there filled her with joy. “I think you'd be a wonderful father, Joshua,” she whispered.

The tears returned. She didn't dare hope she was pregnant. While nothing would make her happier, the happiness wouldn't last. Joshua would feel trapped. She'd be an unwanted wife. And she'd rather live the rest of her life alone with happy memories than live with a man who didn't want her.

* * * *

Two days and two very long, cold, sleepless nights passed. Addie unhitched the oxen, groaning as her muscles protested. One more day, she reminded herself. Jimmy had told her at breakfast this morning that they'd reach Baker City sometime tomorrow. Hopefully once she saw her father and settled into his home, she'd be able to sleep. Part of her doubted she'd ever sleep again. She'd come to need Joshua's shoulder as her pillow, his heartbeat a musical rhythm

that lulled her to sleep.

“You all right?” Joshua's deep voice rumbled behind her.

Spinning around, she tried to hide her bone-deep exhaustion. “Fine.” She offered a smile. “I'm hungry, but fine.”

He stared at her from beneath the brim of his hat. “You should go to bed after supper. You're not getting enough sleep.”

Addie blew out the breath she'd been holding. “I know. I think you've ruined me.” His brows drew together. A frown tugged at his lips. “I can't seem to fall asleep without you next me.”

He pushed his hat back, removing the shadow over his face. In his warm brown eyes, she saw weariness much like her own. “I know how you feel.”

“Maybe you should sleep in my wagon tonight.” His jaw tightened, but she couldn't stand the thought of sleeping without him again. “We both need some sleep, Joshua. And this is my last night with the train. It's just one night.”

He stepped closer. His gloved hand caressed her cheek. “I shouldn't.”

“Have you no compassion at all? I can't sleep without you. It's all your fault, you know.”

He chuckled. “My fault?”

“Yes. I've never had this problem before. It must be your fault. The least you could do is help me sleep tonight.”

He held her close. Hope filled her heart. Perhaps she could spend one last night in Joshua's arms. “All right, darlin'. I'll need to make my rounds after supper, but then I'll join you.”

Her heart skipped a beat. “Thank you.”

He chuckled again, released her, and shook his head. “Damn. You've done it again.”

“What?”

“Gotten your way. I never seem to be able to deny you a thing.”

She smiled and returned his words. “I know how you feel.”

* * * *

Urging the oxen to climb the rise edging the mountain, Addie sighed. She'd slept peacefully last night, wonderfully warm and content. Joshua hadn't made love to her, and she hadn't asked him to. But having him next to her was enough. Conflicting emotions filled her. Today she'd see her father for the first time in years. Had he improved? She worried about his illness, but she was anxious and happy to know that in a few short hours she would see him.

Thoughts of Joshua dampened her happiness. She swallowed hard and pushed down the lump that formed in her throat. When she arrived in Baker City, Joshua would wash his hands of her. She'd never lie in his arms again. She'd never again feel his skin next to hers or have the rhythm of his heartbeat as a lullaby.

No regrets
. Every minute she'd spent with Joshua would be a treasured memory. He cared about her. She felt it in his touch, even caught glimpses of it in his shuttered gaze. He hid his feelings well, but apparently those feelings weren't strong enough to make him want to stay with her.

A break in the trees lining the trail revealed a peek at what lay ahead. Addie tugged on the reins, scooted over on the seat, and leaned out to see the Wheeler's wagon following a good distance behind. She set the break, climbed down, and carefully made her way to the edge to get a look at the valley below. The town appeared to be a couple of miles away, maybe more. It would take another two hours or longer to reach it, but there it was.

A cozy, peaceful scene stretched below her. Evergreen trees tipped in white from last night's dusting of snow surrounded the settlement. Tiny streams of smoke rose from chimneys. It was difficult to tell from this distance how many buildings made up the town of Baker City. A dozen? Possibly a few more.

Two roads led into and out of Baker City. Which one would take her to her father? The sound of horse hooves thrummed behind her. She didn't need to look to know it was Joshua.

* * * *

Josh slid from his horse. Addie stood between the trees, staring down at the town below. By noon today her journey would be over. And he'd lose her.

He tied the reins of his horse to the end of her wagon and strode to stand next to her. “Home sweet home.” He'd last been to Baker City less than a year ago, but it looked as if the town had grown.

“There's no baby.”

His gaze jerked to hers. Disappointment sliced through him. “You're sure?”

“Yes. Proof came this morning. I wanted to tell you at breakfast, but I didn't get the chance.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat, cursing himself for his selfishness. He forced himself to lie. “Well, that's a relief.”

She frowned and spun around to head back to the wagon.

He followed, confused by her abrupt departure. “Is somethin' wrong?”

She climbed onto the wagon seat. “No. I'm just anxious to see my father.” Her voice sounded tight, and she didn't look at him while she released the brake.