Wagonmaster (11 page)

Addie took another bite of her potatoes, watching Joshua mount his horse. Once seated, he met her gaze. He grinned at her, tipped his hat, and kicked the horse's flanks. She stopped chewing. What did that mean? The man was so blasted confusing. One minute he was fussing at her, the next he was grinning. She shook her head.

“Confusin', ain't it?” Jimmy chuckled, hanging the kettle over the fire.

Addie swallowed. “Pardon?”

“It's confusin' how he tries so hard not to show his feelin's for ya.”

“Feelings?”

“Aw, now don't you go playin' dumb with me. You know he's fallin' for ya.”

She stared at Jimmy, a little flicker of hope growing. Addie was silent for a moment, but the voice of reason squelched the silly daydream forming in her mind. “You're making a mountain out of a molehill, Jimmy. He's not falling for me.” Jimmy raised his brows, but she ignored his unspoken contradiction. “He likes me, I think. And I like him.” She looked toward the line of trees where Joshua had disappeared. “Too much, I'm afraid. But he doesn't want a wife. He's made that perfectly clear.”

“Can't blame him for bein' leery of marryin' again. The first time left him with a lot of scars.”

She couldn't help herself. “Did you know his wife?”

“Nah. He didn't start workin' with the trains till after she died.”

“She died?” Addie's heart constricted.

“Yeah, but he never really told me how. I think it had somethin' to do with the Osage.”

“Osage?” she queried.

“Indians. Part of the Sioux. They're in Missouri where his farm was. For the most part, they're a peaceful tribe, but they've got renegades.” Jimmy poured some cider into a cup and handed it to her.

“Thank you.” She sipped the warm drink. “I didn't know how his first marriage ended, but I had a feeling it ended badly.”

“Badly is an understatement from what I gather.” He shrugged. “But I think you're just the kind of doc who can heal his wounds.”

“Me?” That little glimmer of hope tried to flare to life once again, but she ignored it. “I don't think so.”

The cook pushed his hat back and looked heavenward. “Little lady, let me tell you somethin' I learned a long time ago. You don't get to choose who you love. You either love them or you don't. The only choice you have is whether you want to hold on to them or not. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's best for the both of ya to go your separate ways. And sometimes you gotta fight.”

The philosophical side of this quiet old man surprised Addie. “How do you know when you need to fight?”

“You'll know.”

She laughed. “You're a lot of help.”

He smiled, revealing a missing tooth. “One more thing. Sometimes fightin' just means hangin' on and bein' patient. It's kinda like fishin'. I've seen ya. You're good at it. Once you got them hooked, you just hold on till they quit fightin'. Keep them close, but don't try to bring them in too quick. They'll fight too hard and get away.”

“I'll keep that in mind.”

Footsteps alerted her to the arrival of Helen and Mrs. Cooper. Helen smiled, her arms filled with a small bundle. “You're looking much better.”

“Oh, yes. I'm feeling much better, thank you.” Addie set her plate down and stood to face the women.

Mrs. Cooper spoke quietly. “We were just going to the river for a bath. Would you like to join us?”

Although surprised by the invitation, she wasn't about to miss the opportunity for a real bath. “Yes! Are you sure you don't mind? I'd give anything for a bath right now.”

Helen laughed. “I know what you mean. We'll wait while you get your things.”

“Thank you. I'll only be a minute.”

An hour later, Addie's teeth chattered as she brushed her hair out. She'd turned the lamp high and lit a second one, not for the light, but for the heat they provided. The river had been so cold.

A movement sounded outside the wagon. The canvas rose, and Josh poked his head inside. “Jimmy says supper will be ready in about a half hour.” He frowned. “Why is your hair wet?”

Addie tried to answer, but found it difficult to control the shaking in her jaw. “I went to the river to bathe.”

“What?” His voice rose. “You went to the river alone?”

Wrapping her arms around herself, she stood up. “No.” She clenched her jaw to stop the chattering. “I went with Helen Wheeler and Mrs. Cooper.” A violent shiver raced through her.

He moved closer to her. “And now you've caught a chill.” Grabbing her, he pulled her against him, rubbing her back.

She melted into him. “I'm just cold, not sick.”

“Little fool. Damn it, Addie. I turn my back for one minute. How could you do something so stupid?”

She stiffened in his embrace. Could he really think so little of her? “I wanted a
real
bath.”

“You should have let me heat some water for you. You've got a tub big enough to bathe in.” He continued rubbing her back and shoulders, warming her through her dress.

“I wouldn't ask you to go to that trouble.”

He leaned back to look at her. “No, you wouldn't ask, would you? But I think you know by now that I'd do it.
For you.
”

The sting of his earlier words eased. She lowered her voice and mocked him. “But you don't have time to coddle me.”

His lips twitched. “I seem to have more time than I realized.” His hands settled on her hips. A small shiver shook her. A frown replaced his grin. “You're still cold.”

She shook her head. “I'm much better now. Thank you.”

His frown disappeared, and his eyes narrowed. “I don't think so. But fortunately for you, I know something that will warm you very quickly.”

“You do?”

He answered by brushing his lips across hers. He nibbled her lower lip gently and stole her breath. Her eyes drifted closed, and her hands caught in the front of his shirt. The tip of his tongue ran across the seam, and she parted her lips, inviting him to deepen the kiss. He did, and a low moan vibrated in her throat. Her heart raced, heating her blood and chasing away the last of her chills.

Unable to passively accept his kiss, Addie met his tongue's exploration. He growled in response, raising his hands from her hips to cup the back of her head. He broke the kiss, his breathing as quick and unsteady as hers. “Woman, you could tempt a saint,” he whispered.

She opened her eyes to find him gazing at her.

“Are you warmer now?”

It took her a moment to understand his words. “Yes.” She smiled. “But my toes are still cold. Maybe you should kiss me again.”

His laugh rumbled through him. “I'd better not.” He stepped away from her. “Supper will be ready soon.”

Disappointment followed his withdrawal, but she agreed. “I should go help Jimmy.”

“Oh, no you don't. You're going to stay inside the wagon for the rest of the evening.”

“But—”

“No buts. It's getting colder, and I don't want you chilled again. Your hair is still wet too.”

“I'll braid my hair and find a warm bonnet.” She didn't like the thought of being cooped up inside the wagon again.

He shook his head and pointed at her. “You'll stay in here where it's warm.”

She frowned and folded her arms across her chest. “I don't take orders well, Reynolds. Have you not figured that out yet?”

He heaved a heavy sigh and briefly closed his eyes before speaking again. “Then let me try again.” He raised his hand, brushing the back of his fingers against her cheek. “I need you to be completely healthy again, darlin'. You're recovering mighty fast, but you shouldn't take any chances. Please stay inside the wagon where it's warm.”

The will to fight him drained away. Good Lord, but she must be completely smitten if he could control her so easily.

“Please?”

She wanted to stomp her foot. He'd won again. And this time he hadn't even tried to trick her. “Oh, all right. Stop looking at me like that.”

He moved closer again. “Thank you, sweetheart. I know it's hard for you.” He brushed her lips with his. “I'll bring your supper in a few minutes.”

Why had she let him have his way? Her father had always been able to do that too. He'd ask her nicely with that pleading look in his eyes, and she could deny him nothing. She groaned aloud. The man would break her heart. Of that she had no doubt. But for the next few weeks, he was hers. Should she do the prudent thing? Should she guard her heart and ignore her feelings for Joshua?

Addie almost laughed aloud at the thought. She couldn't remember the last time she'd done something prudent. No. She'd do as her Aunt Louise would have done. She'd live for today, enjoying every moment. Tomorrow wasn't promised to anyone. Death could steal away all the tomorrows. She'd told Joshua when she lay so close to death that she didn't want any regrets. The only regrets she'd had were for things she hadn't done. Joshua Reynolds would not be one of those regrets. She'd enjoy every kiss, every touch. And although it would cost her dearly when he walked away, she was willing to pay that price.

* * * *

Joshua stacked their tin plates on the trunk near the bed. “I'm glad to see you eating better, but it's still not enough.”

“I ate those potatoes this afternoon remember? I don't have to eat as much when the meals are so frequent.”

He grunted and moved closer to her, his thigh brushing her leg. “I'd forgotten about that. Are you feeling better? No chills or sniffles from your bath?”

Addie sighed. “No chills. No sniffles. Honestly, Joshua. I'm all right. My strength and appetite are almost back to normal. I feel fine.”

He held her gaze for several moments. Did he not believe her? Finally, he nodded. “Good. Some of the others aren't recovering as quickly as you have, though. The Evans girl is still sickly. Her fever broke before yours, but she's still very weak.”

She stood and looked around for her coat. “I should check on her.”

His arms encircled her waist. “You're not going anywhere, darlin'.”

“Joshua, she needs me.” She turned in his arms.

“She has her mother. She's recoverin'. But not nearly as quickly as you seem to be. And I can't help but worry that you're pushin' yourself.” He pulled her close, resting his chin on the top of her head. “God, Addie. You were so sick.”

Her heart leapt at the tone in his voice. He did care. He'd probably never admit it, but he cared. She leaned back to look up at him. “Everyone heals differently, Joshua. And I've been forcing myself to drink extra fluids. Cup after cup of water and cider. I know it's helped me recover more quickly.”

He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her passionately. She returned his kiss, tangled her fingers in his hair, and drew his head down. He growled into her mouth and crushed her against him.

Addie couldn't get enough. She wanted his touch. She wanted him to make love to her again. Heat built in her belly, and a tingling ache began between her thighs.

Joshua pulled her hands down, stepped away from her, and cleared his throat. “It's time you went to bed, darlin'.” He reached for his hat.

It took her a moment to realize he meant to leave. “Aren't you staying?”

“I'll be back later. I'm going to make my rounds. I'll be sure to tell the Evans girl to drink more water.” He grabbed his coat and slipped it on. “You sleep. Understand?”

She snapped her mouth shut. He was leaving. After that incredible kiss....

“Sorry. That sounded like an order, didn't it?” He reached for her hand balled in a fist by her side. He rubbed it gently with his thumb. “Please rest, Addie. There's no need to push yourself. We'll be camped here at least two more days. I want everyone rested and healthy before we leave. I need you to be well.” She tried to tell him she was fine, but he shook his head. “I need you to help me make certain everyone else is well too. The more rest you get tonight, the stronger you'll be tomorrow.”

Lifting her hand, he turned it over and opened her fist. He lowered his head and placed a kiss on her palm. The action was so tender, so sweet, her breath hitched. Joshua caught her gaze. “I won't be gone long, sweetheart. Please sleep.”

She nodded numbly, not trusting her voice. He exited the wagon leaving her once again wondering how he'd managed to make her want to obey him. She changed into her nightgown and crawled into bed, all the while reliving that kiss. And the way he'd withdrawn.

Again.

Understanding struck her. A definite pattern revealed itself. Every time she did more than just accept his kiss, every time she kissed him back, every time she initiated the intimacy, he pulled away. Confusion filled her. Was she too aggressive? Did he prefer a more docile lover? Did he think her too wanton? She groaned aloud, turning on her side and roughly shoving her pillow into place. She'd have to change her tactics. She needed to let him be the one in control. The plan sounded easy enough, but she knew it wouldn't be. Because when Joshua Reynolds kissed her, her body had a will of its own.

Addie awoke in a cocoon of comfort. Her lips curved in a smile against the warm skin beneath her cheek. Lying next to Joshua, her head on his shoulder, seemed so right, so natural. Her rational, sensible side warned her that it wouldn't always be like this, but she refused to listen. Right now, at this moment, she was happy. And she would not allow gloomy thoughts of tomorrow to taint the joy of today.

Joshua stirred, his arm tightening around her shoulders. She kissed his chest. A smile lightened his voice. “Mornin', darlin'.”

“Good morning.”

“Ready for breakfast?”

“I'm hungry, but I don't really want to move.”

He laughed, kissing her forehead. “I'd better get goin'. I brought in a deer yesterday. We need to butcher it.”

“I suppose you're right. I really need to do laundry today.”

He sat up, the loss of his warmth emphasized by the cold air in the wagon. “I don't want you overdoin' it.”

He sat on the edge of the bed with his back to her. Knowing he wouldn't see her, she rolled her eyes. “I won't. If I get tired, I'll nap. Satisfied?”

He grunted and stood. She could hardly make out his shape as he bent. A match flared to life, and he lit the oil lamp near the bed. He stretched and ran his hands through his tousled hair. “I'll be perfectly happy with that as long as you actually do it.”

With the glow from the lamp, she viewed him clearly now, his naked torso displayed while he rested his hands on his hips, his brows raised in challenge. She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him. “I will. I promise.”

The smile he gave her was worth the humble restraint. He leaned down. “Good girl.” He brushed her lips in a chaste kiss and straightened, reaching for his clothes.

There really wasn't room in the wagon for both of them to move around without bumping into each other. So she waited quietly on the side of the bed and watched him dress. He sat to put on his boots, and she stood to get her own clothes.

“Would you mind makin' the coffee this mornin'?”

His request surprised her. “Sure. I'll do that first thing.”

“Thanks.” He chuckled. “Yours is so much better than Jimmy's. He's a pretty good cook, but his coffee can curl your toes.”

She smiled, pulling her nightgown over her head. “It
is
rather strong.”

He didn't answer, and she was curious as to why. Free of her gown, she found him staring at her bare breasts. The heat in his brown eyes scorched her. He cleared his throat and looked away. “I'll get a fire goin'.” Without another word, he was gone.

Jimmy and Addie worked well together to get breakfast ready. Afterwards, they decided to work together on the laundry, too, while Joshua cleaned the deer. Addie had so much laundry that lunchtime arrived before they finished.

Throughout the camp, lines crisscrossed the space between trees, poles, and wagons. Linens and clothing flapped in the cool autumn breeze.

The laughter of children rang out while they prepared a lunch with the remainder of the fish they had caught yesterday.

Joshua joined them, and the trio ate quietly. He kept glancing at her, an unidentified question in his eyes. He finally spoke. “You look a little tired, Addie.”

She smiled in an effort to ease his worry. “I'm all right. The laundry was more work than I anticipated. I think I'll take a little nap after we clean up the lunch dishes.”

He nodded and winked at her. “Good idea.” He took another bite of his lunch and washed it down with a sip of coffee. “I meant to tell you. The Evans girl is feelin' better today. I told her mother yesterday about givin' her more to drink. It's helped apparently.”

“Oh, that's wonderful news. Has everyone else recovered too?”

He nodded. “There are a few who are still a little weak. We'll be stayin' here at least one more day. That will give everyone time to hunt and fish and stock up on food and water.”

She smiled. “And regain their strength.”

“That too.” He stood. “I'm goin' to ride out for a while. Check the area. I'll be back in a couple of hours.”

Supper arrived before she saw Joshua again. She'd taken a nap after lunch and slept longer than expected. She wasn't completely recovered, but she was feeling much better now. After her nap, she'd gathered and folded the laundry. She and Jimmy had worked together to prepare the venison stew they now enjoyed.

“This is good, Jimmy. You've outdone yourself.” Joshua took another bite.

Jimmy laughed. “I wish I could take the credit, but your missus here suggested we add some garlic and few other spices.”

Addie grinned. “I made the suggestion, but you were the one who knew how much to add.”

“I reckon we make a pretty good team. How'd you like to fix all our meals together from now on?”

The offer surprised her. “I wouldn't want to impose, Jimmy. Are you sure you don't mind cooking for three?”

“It's no more work than it is for two. Fact is, it's easier when you've got someone to help. This way we'd only have to build one fire. Less work for everybody.”

Josh grunted his agreement. “Makes sense. As long as you two don't mind workin' together.”

Addie shook her head. “I don't mind.”

“But Addie makes the coffee.” Josh winked at her.

Jimmy laughed. “She does brew a good cup o' joe.” He stood. “Well, if that's settled, then, I'm goin' down to the river and wash up some 'fore it gets too dark.”

Jimmy climbed into his wagon, returning quickly with a towel and soap. The old man left her alone with Joshua. “You sure you don't mind cookin' with Jimmy?”

“Oh, yes. I'm sure. He's a nice man. I like him.”

Joshua chuckled. “Leave it to you to say somethin' like that about Jimmy. Most people think he's too gruff, unfriendly even.”

“Jimmy? Unfriendly?” She couldn't help but laugh about that. “Oh, I know he doesn't usually talk much, but he's not unfriendly. He's a wise man too. We could all learn a lot from him.”

“Wise? How would you know that? He hardly ever talks at all.”

She smiled. “He talks to me.”

Joshua shook his head. “Lord, help me. What's the old man been tellin' you?”

“We talk about cooking and fishing and things like that.” She wasn't really lying.

“Hmmm. And that's it?”

“Well, like you said. He doesn't talk much.” Addie bit her lip, worried that she shouldn't broach the subject, but her curiosity would not be denied. “Tell me about your wife.”

“What?”

“Your wife. I'll bet she was beautiful.”

The muscles in his jaw worked. “I thought she was pretty.”

“Let me guess. Blonde hair, blue eyes?”

He met her gaze. “No. She had dark hair, black. And her eyes were brown.”

The look in his eyes told her what she'd suspected all along. “You loved her.”

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Yeah. I loved her. Can we talk about something else?”

“What happened to her?”

He shook his head. “I married her.”

Confusion filled her. “I meant, how did she die?”

He stood, turning his back to her. “She was killed.”

“I'm so sorry.” She should stop. He obviously didn't want to talk about his wife, but she needed to know. “How did it happen?”

“She was on a stagecoach. Osage Indians attacked. Took an arrow in the chest.”

“And you survived. How did you escape?”

“I wasn't with her. She….” He took a deep breath. “Hell, you may as well know. She was leavin' me. Goin' back to Philadelphia.”

Shock coursed through Addie. No woman in her right mind would leave Joshua Reynolds. “Why?”

“She wasn't happy. It was hard for her. She was used to havin' maids cook and clean for her. I never should've brought her west.”

She stood, laying her palm against his back. “It's not your fault.”

He rounded on her suddenly, his normally unreadable eyes filled with anger and pain. “Yes, it is.” Edged with regret, his voice hardened. “I should've known she wasn't strong enough. And I knew she wasn't happy. I should've sold the farm and taken her back home before it was too late.”

Now she understood why he wouldn't marry again. He unfairly blamed himself for his wife's death. “Did you tell her before you married that you wanted to come west?”

“Yes, but—”

“Then it was
her
choice.”

He ran his hands through his hair. “She didn't know how hard it would be.”

“How long did you live on the farm?”

Joshua gave her a puzzled look. “What?”

“You said you had a farm. Did you buy it when you came out west?”

He nodded. “It wasn't big, just a few dozen acres. I built a little cabin. Sarah hated it. She grew up in a big fancy house.”

“How long did you live there?”

“I don't know. I guess it was about six months.”

“Six months? That's it? She couldn't give you time to build her a nicer home?”

He frowned. “She was miserable. She cried all the time. I should've taken her home like she asked.”

Addie shook her head, anger tearing at her. “It's not your fault, Joshua. She left a man who loved her, a man who worked hard to provide for her. And she did it because she didn't like to cook and clean. She was selfish and lazy.”

He pointed at her, growling through clenched teeth. “Don't you talk about Sarah like that. She tried. She wasn't strong like you.”

Anger and jealousy gripped her. It wasn't fair that a woman like Sarah had married Joshua. “She was a fool. She had a husband who loved her and she was willing to give him up because she didn't like living in a cabin.”

“Damn it, Addie! You don't understand. She—”

“No, I don't understand. I'd give everything I own and live in a cave if I could sleep in….” She caught herself. “So long as I could sleep in the arms of a man who loved me. She didn't love you, Joshua.”

He looked away. “She….” He sighed, shaking his head. “If I'd taken her home, she'd still be alive.”

Addie couldn't let him blame himself. “If she loved you, the
farm
would have been home.” He remained silent. She stepped in front of him, pressing her finger to his chest. “Did you ask her not to go?”

“I didn't even know she planned to leave. I came in from the fields one day and found a note.”

Addie shook her head in disbelief. “She didn't even talk to you about it? You're telling me she left a man who loved her without even discussing it?”

Joshua frowned. “She asked me to take her back a dozen times or more.”

“And what did you tell her?”

He tilted his hat back, staring at the stars. “I told her we'd have to wait till after the harvest. There wasn't enough money to go without selling the wheat, and I couldn't find a buyer for the farm. I sank every dime I had into that place.”

“And she didn't love you enough to wait for the harvest. She left you a note and ran away.”

He shot her an angry glare, but his jaw remained clenched.

“Sarah was a stupid, selfish fool. And you still think it was your fault? You didn't kill her. Indians did.”

Joshua ignored her. “I went after the coach, but I was too late. When I found them, they were all dead except Sarah. I took her back to town, but that drunken old man who called himself a doctor didn't help her.”

Addie's heart constricted. “I'm sorry, Joshua. I suppose I understand now why you don't like doctors.”

He shrugged. “She died three days later.”

“It wasn't your fault, Joshua.”

He wouldn't look at her. He stood with his hands on his hips, staring at the sky. “I sat with her and watched her die.”

Frustration fueled her anger. Her voice rose. “Sarah was a fool, and so are you!” He looked at her, surprise in his eyes. “She was stupid for leaving. And you….” She shoved him as she moved past. “You're a complete idiot for taking the blame for her stupidity!”

He grabbed her, swinging her around to face him. “I failed her, Addie! I was her husband. I should've protected her.”

“And she would have been safe if she'd stayed with you.
She
left, Joshua. Not you. Sarah sealed her own fate.”

His hand fell away. His voice cracked when he spoke again. “If I'd been a better husband, she wouldn't have left.”

The anger fled, sorrow taking its place. “Oh, Joshua. You're a wonderful man.” She touched his cheek, his whiskers rough against her hand. “I'd give anything to have a husband like you.”

He lips twisted in a cynical smile. “I
am
your husband.”

She sighed. “For now. And I'm thankful for it. But soon you'll be free of me. I hope someday you find a woman you can love. One who'll love you too. A woman who deserves a good man like you.” She spun on her heel and hurried back to the wagon.

Before she did something stupid.

Like telling him how much she wished to be that woman.