Volition (12 page)

She rides the subway to Hayden’s apartment with me. It’s on Park Avenue. I can’t help but feel the nagging sense in my mind that this is a man Lara would completely approve of. Old Tate would go running in the other direction out of rebellion. New Tate needs to pull herself together and try to have a semblance of a life away from Charleston.

Away from Jesse.

I tell the doorman that I’m here to see Hayden, and he gives me a look that makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not used to that reaction since I’m a Hale, and my heart sinks that this is what we put Jesse through every day of his life. No. No more Jesse. Only Hayden.

The doorman won’t let me up. He insists that Mr. Rockefeller shouldn’t be bothered at this time of night, and he won’t relent until Catherine calls Hayden’s phone.

After a few words are exchanged and Catherine hands him the phone, the doorman reluctantly leads me over to an elevator.

I glance back at Catherine.

“I’ll be waiting for you down here.”

“Thank you.”

She smiles and I know it’s meant to give me the strength to do this. Hayden’s almost a stranger, so I’m still apprehensive about explaining this to him.

The doorman puts me in the elevator and presses the button for the penthouse.

Of course.

Seconds later, the doors reopen, and Hayden is standing in front of me, looking as debonair as ever, albeit exhausted. He’s wearing the same clothes as earlier but with more buttons open on his shirt.

I almost don’t step out of the elevator. I could wait for it to take me back down to the lobby, but I force myself out before I can take that escape hatch. That’s all I’ve been doing for far too long. I pulled an escape hatch to get out of Charleston, and I can’t run anymore. I’m tired of running away from everyone and everything.

“I owe you an explanation,” I tell him, feeling sheepish.

His apartment is exquisitely decorated, but I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from his. He’s looking at me as though he’s not sure what to do with me since he clearly doesn’t know why I’m here.

“I’m listening,” he says, motioning me into another room. “Can I get you anything?”

He’s a gracious host. He was raised like I was.

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I just need to get a few things off my chest.”

He gestures toward a living room, but I can’t sit. I’m too nervous.

“I can’t,” I say. “Can I ask you a question?”

If I don’t do this fast and now, I’ll never do it.

“Yes.”

“Why do you keep finding me?”

“I like you. You’re fascinating,” he answers honestly. “You’re unlike any other human being I’ve ever met.”

“And that’s why you asked me to dinner?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you.”

He smiles a bit at this admission, and he knows I mean the shellfish.

“And I’m sorry I ran out on you.”

“I’d still like an explanation for that one,” he says, putting his hands in his pockets.

I take a deep breath.

They say that you and your soul mate have a string connecting your hearts—not a literal string, but an invisible one. Instead of just one, I have so many strings attached to each part of my body, pulling me toward my soul mate at all times. I know those strings will constantly and forever be tied to someone else, so I don’t want to cheat Hayden out of his.

“Do you believe in soul mates?”

“Yes,” he answers without hesitation.

“Have you ever found yours?”

“I’m not sure.” He’s looking at me now like I’m completely insane, and I don’t blame him.

I take another breath to get more oxygen into my body before I collapse. “I have. Remember when I was drinking on the plane? I left him behind. But that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t know if I can ever be normal because I know what it’s like to feel him every second of every day. I know what it’s like to be away from him, but I’m doing it anyway. I can’t be with him.”

“Okay,” is all Hayden says.

“Are you going to say anything else?” Old Tate is bubbling up inside because Hayden isn’t saying anything. I push her down.

“I’m not sure what there is to say. If you’re trying to leave him behind, does that mean you’re never going to try again?”

“Try again for what?”

“To be happy.”

Hayden is one of the only people I’ve ever met in my life that I feel like I’ve known far longer than I actually have.

“I would like to be happy.”

“Good.”

“Would you like to have dinner tomorrow?” I ask, trying to be New Tate.

“Only if it’s not a sushi restaurant.” He grins. “I’m allergic to shellfish.”

“Never shellfish,” I say, returning his gaze.

“I’ll have Al drive you home,” Hayden offers.

I nod appreciatively. The subway isn’t terrible at night, but I’m sure Al’s town car would be faster and more comfortable.

I step into the elevator, and Hayden moves toward me as he unbuttons his shirt absentmindedly, presumably for the night.

“Tate?”

“Yes?” My voice is no longer steady.

“Do you think you get more than one?”

I know he’s talking about soul mates now.

“I don’t know,” I tell him as I press the button to take me down.

I can’t read his expression as the doors shut on me, and then he’s gone.

I just lied to him again.

No.

Then

I DECIDED I was going to vomit on my cotillion dress. I shouldn’t have voiced this thought out loud while Colin was standing nearby.

“Really? Because I think I might throw up on your cotillion dress, too, and then you’ll have to go without wearing anything at all.”

He wagged his eyebrows at me, and I threw him a disgusted look.

Casper was barely paying attention. Once he registered what was happening, he shoved Colin.

“Cool it, man.” Colin shoved back. “Take a joke.”

Casper went back to his usual brooding self while Colin took a drink from the flask he was keeping in his pocket.

“Nobody is throwing up,” Cece said as she floated into the room closely followed by a girl I had never seen before. “Nobody is ruining anybody’s dress.”

I rolled my eyes. Cece would want to have everything perfect because her cotillion was perfect. She went with her longtime boyfriend, Emmett Worthington, and I was sure they’d be engaged by fall.

Colin smirked in my direction as if to dare me that he would ruin my dress for me, but knowing Cece, she probably had another waiting in the wings since she knew I would be liable to pull a stunt like that.

“Everyone, this is Jasmine. Jasmine, this is everyone.”

Cece’s introduction was terrible. No one was paying a lick of attention, except for me and Colin, because everyone kept away from the terrible trio. Casper was too high to notice, so that left the two of us.

I didn’t even bother with a feeble wave because I didn’t see the point. Colin didn’t bother to turn around, so we remained uninterested.

“Oh, for goodness sake, Tate, be polite.”

“Hi, Jasmine,” I said in my best pageant girl imitation to the dark-haired girl Cece had with her. I dialed up my accent within an inch of my life for good measure.

Cece looked at me like I was a disgrace, which wasn’t that much different than any other day of my life, except that now she had a request.

“Tate, show Jasmine around. She just moved here from New York, and I want you to be her first friend.”

Right, because Colin, Casper, and I were the definition of
friendly.
I knew, however, Cece would never take no for an answer, so I had to at least pretend to like Jasmine for this brief moment in time.

“Fine.”

“Be. Nice.” Cece backed out of the room with her warning eyes still on me.

I turned back to the mirror to look at my dress. It wasn’t hideous. I just didn’t want to go to cotillion. It was actually quite beautiful. Lara had it shipped in from Italy, so no one else would have a dress even remotely like mine. It was more bridal than cotillion, but that didn’t really matter. I’d never be getting married anyway, so I might as well wear a white dress for once in my life.

Casper had already made several comments about dyeing it black, considering I didn’t deserve to wear a white dress that represented any kind of purity, which warranted a few more shoves back and forth between him and Colin. I wished Catherine could have missed her piano lesson to be here because she would have been able to do something about the Salvatore brothers reincarnate.

“So, Jasmine, what brings you to Charleston?”

“Um, we moved here from New York. Daddy says it’ll be good for me.”

Daddy.
So, that’s what type of girl Jasmine is.

“Oh,” I said, turning to her and smiling as sweetly as my black heart allowed. “I’m sure it will be.”

She looked at me like she was utterly confused, but Colin and Casper saw through my act.

“Will you be a debutante, too, Jasmine?”

“I hope so. Your sister told me you could help me find a dress in time.” She was far too overeager.

She wanted me to like her. I had that effect on people.

“Oh, is that so? I think Cece fell down and smacked her little head on the ballroom floor. Do you have an escort yet?”

Jasmine shook her head. “I barely know anyone here.” She glanced at Casper and stepped toward me to whisper into my ear, “What about him?”

It was then that my evil laugh began, bubbling up from deep inside me. “Casper?” I said loudly. “Casper’s my boyfriend. And
my
escort.”

Casper decided to participate in the discussion and took two steps toward me before crushing his lips to mine in a display of possession.

“You two are disgusting,” Colin berated us. “Lighten up a little.”

“You’re one to talk,” Casper said, stepping away from me to take his place beside his friend.

“Oh, Jasmine, you’ll get used to it.” That was what I told her, but in my head, I decided I was going to make her wish she’d never left her pretty little New York City penthouse for the South.

The South had a dark underside that I was sure New York couldn’t possibly conjure. My place. Charleston was my territory, and something told me Jasmine was trouble. Maybe that was why I didn’t feel mercy for her. Maybe it was because I was a terrible black-hearted, soulless person.

“Jasmine,” I said, walking around her in the mirror as I admired the way my train followed me around, “what did you say your last name was again?”

“Saro,” she said.

I could tell by the tone that suddenly appeared in her voice with the mention of her last name that this wasn’t her first rodeo. She might as well be the New York version of me, only with parents and the ability to pretend to be a good person.

“I’m Jasmine Saro.”

Then

SCHOOL WAS A real drag.

Although I enjoyed being away from the Hale house, I felt an odd sense of loss when I left. I didn’t like leaving my parents, but it was more than that. It was deeper. I didn’t say good-bye to Jesse, but deep down, I knew I should have. My stomach turned itself into knots as I thought about all the things I should have said, but I couldn’t. Both of us had decided to play the game where neither acknowledged what was going on, which led me to believe I was insane. When I voiced this to Catherine and Colin, neither of them were the least bit concerned.

“I mean, we already knew you were a little…different, Tate.” Colin made the sign for crazy and then replaced his hand in Catherine’s.

She batted him lightly on the shoulder. “Tate, you’re not crazy. You’re just going through something. It’ll pass.”

Except that it wouldn’t.

As we came around the corner, we walked straight into a crowd that had gathered in the middle of the hallway. Immediately, I felt like I was going to be sick. Inexplicably, my lunch had decided to work its way up my throat and into my mouth. I tasted bile and tried to shove it back, but it wouldn’t go.

“Tate?” Catherine released Colin and helped me to my knees. “Tate, what’s wrong?”

The concern in her eyes scared me because if Catherine was worried about me just by looking at my face after everything she’d seen me do, this was bad.