Villainess (7 page)

She reached out to touch my tie, tugging on it gently. I was stunned speechless and frozen in place, my limbs refusing to obey the commands to move away from her. “He felt guilty at first, ashamed, but he got past that quickly, and now he comes to me every night.” She tilted her head to study me. “But not you, Doc. I think you’d be a challenge. I couldn’t just talk about going down on another woman, say…your girlfriend for example. I couldn’t talk about pushing her back on this desk, hiking up her skirt so I could shove my face between her legs. She’d tremble under me, cry out when I sucked on her clit. I’d be in the perfect position for you to slide into me from behind. You could watch me make her come while you fucked me. I’d make her scream my name while I screamed yours against her wet pussy.”

She sat up, smirking at me. “No, I don’t suppose me talking about any of that would make someone like you hot and bothered, not at all.”

All the blood from my brain had gathered in my cock. I couldn’t get the picture she’d painted out of my mind. I gripped the underside of my chair to keep my hands in place. “No. None of that would affect me, Leila, because she’s not my girlfriend and I’m not easily manipulated like Matt.” I swallowed, my voice rougher than I would have liked. “You do realize I’m actually going to have to fire him now.”

“Nah, because you don’t know if I’m lying or not. I could have made the whole thing up.”

“I think our time is up for today.”

“Mmm Hmmm, sure it is, Doc. And here I was getting ready to tell you about what happened in that house…with Theo.”

I stilled, unsure if she was just baiting me or if she really meant it. My pulse beat a steady rhythm in my cock, which forced my decision. “Save it for tomorrow, we’re done for today.” I started to rise from my chair, but then realized I had a slight problem. There was no way I could let Leila know how she’d really affected me.

Her gaze roamed over me with knowing, and she grinned. “I guess I’ll let myself out. Matt and Mike are out there. I’m thinking you might want to stay sitting for a few minutes. Or maybe you should give your girlfriend a call, have her help you out.” She bit her lip before erupting into laughter.

“Until tomorrow, Doc.” She sashayed to the door, opening it with a flourish. Matt was on her in an instant, his fingers digging into the flesh of her upper arm with familiarity. No matter what Leila said, I knew there was something between them. She was right though, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I got an innocent man fired. Anger roiled my gut. She had me right where she wanted me, and we both knew it.

Fuck. I’m already in over my head.

I should walk away.

I should.

But I won’t.

Call it professional pride…or stupidity, sometimes I think they’re one in the same, but I just couldn’t let Leila win.

Leila

Matt led me back to my prison cell—I mean
room
. All the way he was silent, a deep scowl pulling his handsome features down as his fingers bit harshly into my arm. He didn’t dare say or do anything in front of Mike though, he couldn’t risk it.

Was he jealous? Did he sense the game I had begun to play with Jonah? I knew he couldn’t have heard anything that was said inside the office, since the space was soundproofed to guard patient-doctor confidentiality. I needed to keep Matt firmly in my corner. He was essential to my comfort while I was here. Plus he really was a good lay. I quite enjoyed our nightly sessions.

I sighed heavily, chewing the inside of my cheek. I wasn’t sure what had gotten into me today. I supposed I was just bored and looking to amuse myself. It was a contradiction to my plans, how I’d acted. I needed to share things with Jonah, hell I wanted to—my emotions were just tangled up more than usual for some reason. He made me feel reckless, and I wasn’t getting enough sleep, something that wasn’t likely to change anytime soon.

“Behave,” Matt growled into the shell of my ear as he released me into my room.

I didn’t bother turning around to look at him before he shut and locked the door behind me. I’d see him soon enough. I glanced at the tiny window with bars, set up at almost ceiling level. It was sunny outside, something that made me feel melancholy. Who knew if I’d ever feel warm rays on my face and smell fresh air ever again? But I’d known from the beginning what I’d been risking. I’d known my life was just another that could be chalked up to collateral damage in the end. There had always been two distinct ways for all of it to end—two paths—which one I was on was still unclear to me. Sometimes it was difficult to remain hopeful.

I flopped onto the stiff mattress and shoved my face into my pillow. I’d become accustomed to the mildew smell now, I couldn’t even detect it anymore. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed my mind to still, although it was a futile effort, my brain never took a break, never slowed, never rested. Now was no exception. My thoughts swirled around and around, touching on random things before I finally started to doze.

My heart thrashed against my ribcage, my uneven pulse pounding in my ears. “Leila, just fuckin’ do it!”

My shaky hand rose slowly, the small 9mm gun clasped tightly in my grip. I leveled my weapon at the man who was in front of me on his knees. The acrid scent of urine reached my nostrils and I gagged. “I can’t. I can’t do it.” It didn’t matter what I’d seen the man do, or what I knew he would do if he didn’t die today. I wasn’t a killer.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ!” Theo slid in behind me, his callused hands covering mine, his breath hot on my neck. “Then I’ll do it for you.” He wedged his finger down on mine and pressed. The loud bang of the gun sounded milliseconds before it recoiled slightly and—

“Oh God, I think I’m gonna be sick.” I pushed away from Theo, swiping at the drool on my mouth, bile burning its way up my throat.

“No, look at it.” Theo grabbed a fistful of my hair and wrenched my head to the side. “Look at it, Leila. You wanted it, and now you have to look at it.”

Numbness washed over me as I stared at the gore before me. The man had been a criminal, a rapist and a murderer.
And now I’m no better
. A laugh bubbled up from my chest. “It almost doesn’t look real.”

“But it is. It is, baby.”

I sat straight up in bed, gasping for air. “Goddamnit!” I slammed my fist against the wall, wincing in pain. After all this time and that night still plagued me. I thought I’d toughened up—become stronger.
I guess I was wrong
. At first I’d simply watched Theo carry out the justice I craved to mete out myself. He’d been happy to oblige…for a time. And then he’d wanted more from me. He’d wanted me to get my hands dirty too. He’d wanted a partner, after all, he was only doing what I wanted.

I lifted my throbbing hand to my chest, cradling it. Some days I didn’t know whether to love or hate Theo. I always missed him though. I’d developed some kind of sick dependency on him, one that he’d been too eager to cultivate.
But I don’t need you anymore, Theo. You helped create the monster that destroyed you.

I flopped back on my bed, pulling the contraband iPad from its hiding place between the mattress and the wall. I stuffed the earbuds into place roughly, scrolling down through the music Matt had downloaded for me. I’d requested every
Our Lady Peace
album, and Matt hadn’t disappointed. Of course there was other music I enjoyed, tons in fact, but
Our Lady Peace
made songs that soothed my soul, there was no other way to describe it. The lyrics always spoke to me on some primal level, one that I honestly didn’t understand, but craved nonetheless.

I closed my eyes and hit play, the familiar drum intro to
Innocent
beating inside of my head, surrounding me. I sighed heavily, listening as Raine’s voice joined in the mix.
“Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous…
” I drifted, loving the feeling of getting lost in the music, I almost felt normal.

Then I started thinking about the words. Maybe we were all innocent at one time—maybe even I was. A part of me hated all the horrible things that I’d done, no matter the noble reasons behind my heinous actions. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t innocent and I never would be again. The things that I’d done couldn’t be washed away from my soul. I’d willingly tainted myself, and there would never be any going back.

I cracked my eyes open, scrolling through my playlist. My finger hovered over
Superman’s Dead
, and then I clicked.
“…alone I’m thinking, why is Superman dead, is it in my head, we’ll just laugh instead…
”
Yes, much better
. Superman wasn’t real, but I’d worked hard to create heroes, so they could actually live in our world. They weren’t aliens and didn’t have super powers, but that didn’t matter. Superman might be dead, the message that his creators had strived to communicate lost, but that’s why I’d become the villain the world needed. I’d done it all so the message behind Superman could live.

I turned the volume up and drifted away into the music.

Leila

“How about today, Doc? You going to tell me today what it means that I see those butterflies?”

“Tell me, what do you think of this?” Jonah unrolled a large piece of poster-sized paper with a painting on it. The title of ‘Villainess’ scrolled across the bottom immediately caught my eye.

My lips twitched up into a grin. “Who did that?” It was like someone had attempted to make my likeness into a very realistic version of a comic book character. To say I was pleased was an understatement.

“I’m not sure, but obviously you have a fan. How do you feel about that? Do you like the idea of having fans?”

I shrugged, still staring at the masterpiece. I wished I could be that woman in the painting. Her eyes were cold and untroubled. She was not the same person who met my gaze in the mirror every day. “So where did you get it if you don’t know who did it?”

“Found it in some of the mail that’s been arriving for you.”

My gaze flicked up to meet Jonah’s at that. “You were going through that crap? Of course, now you’re making me rethink my choice to not accept any of it.”

“Why don’t you want any of it?” Jonah carefully rolled up the painting and deposited it back in a mailing tube.

“I read a few when it first starting coming in, mostly because I was bored. And let me just say...eeeewww. Did you know one guy sent me his pubes? His fucking pubes. Another guy sent a dick pic.” I shuddered at the disgusting memory. Some things just cannot be un-seen. “I think you stumbled on a gem there, Doc. What are you going to do with it?”

“Why, do you want it?”

I nibbled my bottom lip. “Nah, what am I really going to do with it? You never said why you were going through that crap. So why, Doc?”

Jonah reclined in his chair, his wide shoulders stretching his suit to the limit. “Mostly curiosity. I wouldn’t be good at my job if I didn’t enjoy what I do. I like looking into people’s minds. Looking through mail like that gives me a unique experience I won’t get again. Most serial killers are men, with you—”