Vampire Taxonomy (15 page)

Now that you’ve been briefed on the many different classifications of the vampire race, it’s time to put all of that knowledge into action. It’s only a matter of time until you’ll find yourself face to fang with an immortal member; it’s a small undead world after all.

The following is a breakdown of a few commonplace occurrences and the appropriate responses that should help you get a handle on the whole “assimilating your world with the living-impaired” thing.

No matter how many bodies pile up, there will always be some unfortunate person in your life who doesn’t completely understand the implications of joining up with Team Vampire. Too many people fall prey to the way the media campaign portrays the vampire life as a “sleep all day, party all night” lifestyle.

Should a loved one become enchanted by the children of the night, the best way to reach her is by hosting a detailed and thorough Vampire Intervention. This is not an act to be taken lightly. It takes planning, patience, and a great deal of effort. By following these steps, hopefully your loved one will be swayed away from the bloodsucking way.

First and foremost, if you’re going to approach a person who is on the path toward vampirism, you must become knowledgeable of the facts. Find out and study everything you can on the type of vampire the subject is obsessing over. Make yourself aware of the subject’s motives.

You must have informed answers for all of these types of questions so you can properly address the threat to the subject’s mortality. For instance, if the subject has fallen under the love spell of a Romantic Vampire, you will need to approach the situation from a different angle. Why is he seeking out love from dangerous places? You may want to involve a relationship therapist and inform her of the subject’s past emotional struggles.

If your loved one is hungry to feast on the blood of a Big Bad type of Villain, she may be under the thrall of a nosferatu. Then it’s not just an intervention that you’ll need to be planning, but also a full-fledged spell-breaking session that snaps the connection between victim and host.

Should the person in question be gunning for the life of the immortal because a loved one has been turned, the person’s grief is understandable. You have a few options based on the type of vampire the former loved one has become. If he’s transformed into a mindless killing machine, perhaps you should hire a vampire expert to document his current attitude and changes to share with the grief-stricken lover. And if you can control the situation and circumstances, a monitored field trip to the damned’s new place may be in order. Although it may be heartbreaking to witness someone coming face to face with the soulless shell of his former familiar companion, watching that loved one lap up a quart of blood should aid in turning the bereaved’s opinions. If, however, the subject is looking to join his turned loved one in an immortal unlife together, physically removing him from the vicinity and intervening directly with the turned companion may be in order; all but the most soulless of vampires prefer to avoid subjecting those closest to them from the same fate, even if it means they will lose them forever. (Unless the vampire involved is a Romantic Vampire, in which case he will put up a token resistance but typically succumb to his mortal mate’s wishes, particularly if the mortal mate’s life is at stake, which it often is.)

It’s also important to assess the bloodline of the vampire the victim is enticed by; getting turned by an ancient vampire, although very rare, would give the victim unlimited abilities (versus being turned by a diluted half-breed vampire). This is important to know, as you’ll have to build your case more carefully, sharing the cons of becoming linked to such an ancient line (such as being unable to go outside during the daytime).

You’ll need to assemble a support group of professionals and caring parties for the individual undergoing the intervention. Gather friends, family members, respected coworkers, and those who may be been nibbled on in practice by the vamp hopeful.

It is imperative to have a vampiric interventionist on hand for the meeting. Seek the help of someone who specializes in occult obsessions, specifically dealing with the nosferatu. This professional will be a reasonable voice amid the chaos and screams of “You tried to eat my dog!” managing to steer the intervention and keep the room calm.

Do not, I repeat,
do not
use a slayer to host the intervention. Although slayers may be knowledgeable about the subject matter, their number one response to matters of this magnitude is stake first, ask questions later. It will be more beneficial for everyone to have a neutral, levelheaded, and informed member of vampiric lore to offer up options as opposed to bloody action.

Be direct; think of this as the last time you’ll ever be able to talk to this person while she’s still mortal, as it very well may be if the intervention doesn’t work. Put yourself in this state of mind so you’re able to speak from the heart.

Use constructive feeling words. Do not attack; instead of using “you” statements, share your wishes as “I” statements. Stay away from accusatory hurtful exclamations. Statements such as “You’re a terrible bite junkie charmed by the undead” will only cause the subject to go on the defensive, and nothing will be accomplished if the intervention turns into a screaming match. Keep calm, speak from your heart, and do not attack or blame; for example, “When you hang out all night with vampires I feel fear. I am frightened when you hiss at me. I’m worried you will get imprisoned on an assault charge the next time you bite someone’s neck.”

Keep a list handy of possible alternatives to this lifestyle. So she wants to join a vampire in unholy matrimony? Gently remind her that there are other options besides turning; for example, some human/vamp relationships have actually worked long-term. If it’s a desire to team up with a group of rabble-rouser vamps, offer up other alternatives and outlets for her aggression.

Is he searching for fame? Suggest that he start a band. This approach can also offer camaraderie. (I apologize to the family members in advance for the inevitable Billy Idol-meets-Lestat groups that will no doubt be born out of this suggestion, but at least they will be safe and mortal.)

Is she looking for danger? Tell her to switch occupations to something physical that incites and demands adrenaline control: join the armed forces, work in construction—is the
Deadliest Catch
gang hiring? Still not enough danger for her? Time to pick up a hobby. Extreme sports are always a healthy option.

Is he in need of a little anger release? Set him up with a trainer, perhaps someone who can teach him them how to spar, box, and get all that angry tension out. Then once you’re convinced the aggression has subsided a little, see if he’s open to team sports.

Is she feeling alone? Offer up heavy volunteer work. There she’ll be surrounded by people in need of real love and attention, which will hopefully pull her focus off her own misery and remind her that there are bigger problems than her own.

Is he sick of the sunlight? Time to take up night jobs.

The most important thing you can do is harness your own aggression, speak from the heart, and
listen
. Troubled souls are often attracted to the vampiric way. Find out what the underlying psychological issue is, and work from there. If all else fails, you can throw her into a psych ward to buy you some additional time, as many doctors today still don’t recognize vampires as a real threat.

Alas, even though we’ve warned against it, and in spite of the fact that most vampire and human relationships end in bloody tears, there will still be plenty of you who decide to pursue a romantic relationship with a vampire.

So in hopes of imparting some wisdom to those who leave common sense behind in the name of undead love, here are some helpful steps to keep you, hopefully, bite free. But no promises.

Come to grips with your emotions before you dedicate the rest of your mortal life to an immortal relationship. It’s no secret that Romantic Vampires are well versed in the art of seduction. It’s their undead gift, but you need to suss out whether what you’re feeling is the real deal or merely the aftereffects of a fang-gasm. Ask yourself: