Valor on the Move (25 page)

“Um, yeah.” Rafa kept his gaze on the table and the little delicate sandwiches without crusts. “Chris was one of the sexiest men alive and marrying Hadley. Matty was going for the Olympics, and Ade was…doing her thing. Making her own headlines. And Mom and Dad, you’ve obviously had a lot on your plate. I just…kept my head down. I tried to be good. To do everything right. That way…”

“What?” Camila asked tightly.

His throat felt raw. “That way none of you really noticed me. Thought much about me. That way you didn’t really see me.”

“I guess we didn’t,” Matthew said quietly. “And even if we did, we let you pretend nothing was wrong.”

“But Raf, like you said, you made that choice.” Chris motioned to Adriana. “We didn’t want to push you. It wasn’t because we didn’t care. Or because we wouldn’t have accepted that you were gay. We thought we were giving you the space you needed. The time.”

“I know. I made those choices to stay in the closet. I can’t blame any of you. But Dad…” Rafa closed his eyes, the remembered pain and humiliation washing over him. “Standing on that stage that night while you talked about taking away my rights, it just…” He forced himself to look at his parents. “It broke something in me. I’ve always been the awkward ugly one.” As a flurry of protests filled the air, he raised his hand. “Please let me say this.”

His heart pounded, and sweat gathered on his brow, but as he took a deep breath, Rafa felt strong enough to say the words for the first time. “That’s always how I felt. I was the zit-faced, too-skinny Chia Pet with braces. And when I went to college, I started to feel like maybe I could be someone else. But that night…” His breath was stuck in his lungs as he remembered curling up in bed in the dark. “I wanted to die.”

His mother gasped softly. “No, Rafael.”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have actually killed myself or anything. But for the first time, I knew what it felt like to really want to give up.” He looked down at his hands, clasping his fingers together so tightly they were going numb. “Standing there smiling, with everyone watching, I’ve never felt so worthless. Like I wasn’t good enough to be your son. I wasn’t as good as Chris, and Ade, and Matty. I was different. And I’d never be who you wanted.” He sucked in a shuddering breath. “So I guess I did give up. I decided to hide, at least until college was done. Until the White House was done. Until I could run away. And in Australia I could be the real me, but I’d be so far away that if you didn’t love me, it wouldn’t hurt so badly.”

With a deep breath, Rafa made himself look up. His heart skipped as he saw the tears shining in his family’s eyes. In his
mother’s
eyes.

“But we argued with Dad about it,” Adriana said, sniffling. “Didn’t you know we would have had your back?”

“You guys were hardly ever here. I should have talked to you, but I was still afraid.”

Ramon was silent for a few long moments. “There have been many occasions when I’ve wished I could go back in time and change a decision I made, but none as much as I wish it now, Rafalito. I’m sorry.” He raised his hands. “I know that sounds hollow. Paltry. But I’m so sorry. I let the party pull my strings. I didn’t even believe a word I was saying. You know what I really think? The Bible is a storybook created by men, and used by men to further their selfish goals.”

“Ramon,” Camila murmured.

“Haven’t I bitten my tongue all these years? If I can’t be honest here with my family, then where?” He gazed at Rafa again. “I’m so very, very sorry.” He stood and circled the coffee table, pulling Rafa to his feet and into a rib-crushing hug. “You’re exactly who we want. Who you were meant to be.” He kissed Rafa’s head, and Rafa sniffled as his father held him.

“Anything to add, Mom?” Adriana asked sharply.

“Rafa knows I’m sorry.” Camila blinked, and a tear slipped down her cheek. “Of course I am.”

“Mom
,
we don’t always know,” Chris said quietly. “Sometimes it’s really nice to hear it.”

Camila stood, and Ashleigh did as well, scooting off to the side of the couch, saying, “I’m just gonna…”

Rafa turned from his father and into his mother’s arms

“I’m sorry, Rafael. I wanted what I thought was the best for you. It blinded me.” Camila leaned back and kissed his forehead. “When I thought I might have lost you… Rafa, nothing else matters as long as you’re healthy and happy. Nothing.”

“Even if I want to move to Australia and be a chef?”

She sighed and brushed back his loose curls. “If you must, my darling.”

“That’s as good a blessing as you’ll get, bro. Take the money and run,” Matthew said, popping a cookie into his mouth.

The thick tension broke, and it felt good to laugh. Even their mother smiled wryly. “You know I only want what’s best for you all.” Her smile faded. “I do realize I’m not the easiest person at times. But I love my family.”

“Of course we know,” Ramon murmured, kissing her cheek and sliding his arm around her shoulders. “Rafa, if cooking is your passion, then that is what you’ll do.” He cleared his throat. “But you will finish your degree at UVA first. No ifs, ands, or buts.”

“Absolutely. I promise.” Rafa realized he was grinning. “Thank you.”

A quiet knock came from the door, and when Ramon called out to enter, his top aide stepped inside. “I’m sorry to interrupt. Sir, the media is growing extremely restless without a direct statement from you.”

“Yes, yes.” Ramon nodded.

“Is Rafael up to being on camera?”

The comforting warmth that had filled Rafa evaporated. “They want
me
to go on TV?”

“Are you kidding?” Adriana asked. “You’re the top news story around the world. President’s son kidnapped by apparent terrorists? The media’s losing its collective mind.”

He remembered what Ashleigh had said about cameras at the airport when she arrived, and his stomach twisted. “Oh. I really don’t…do I have to?”

“No,” his parents answered in unison.

Camila addressed the aide. “The president and I will make a statement in the Rose Garden. We’ll be down in two minutes for a briefing.”

With final hugs, his parents left, and Rafa flopped back down on the couch with Ashleigh beside him again. For a moment, he just sat there. “Wow. So that happened. God. I think I need a drink.”

“
Hell yes
you do.” Chris clapped his hands together while Hadley and Matthew laughed. “Baby brother, it is high time you got drunk at the White House. We’ll show you how it’s done. We’ve got your back.”

Laughing, Rafa nodded. “Let’s do it.”

“And ohhh, we need to talk about boys,” Adriana exclaimed. To Ashleigh, she added, “And girls. There is so much to catch up on!”

Rafa thought of Shane and blushed furiously. He couldn’t breathe a word of it yet, and he wouldn’t. But one day Shane wouldn’t be his agent, and he let himself imagine that he’d be so much more.

As the knock came again, Shane sighed and pulled a T-shirt over his head. His flannel pajama bottoms had a hole worn through in the ass, but whoever wanted to talk to him now could damn well deal with it. With his hand on the knob, he checked the peephole in case a reporter had gotten his address, which was only a matter of time.

“It’s me. Open sesame.”

With a chuckle, Shane let Darnell inside and they hugged. “I’m fine.”

Darnell slapped his back. “You look like you rolled around in a tube of rocks.”

“Thanks. Feel like it too.”

Darnell stepped back and kissed him lightly. “You slept at all?”

“Nope.” Shane rolled his neck, wincing as the bones cracked. “Just got home and showered. Fuck, it’s been a long day. Long night before it.”

“I bet. I won’t stay long. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Thanks, man.” Shane went to the kitchen and twisted the cap off a bottle of beer, passing it to Darnell before getting his own. He seemed unendingly thirsty and should probably have more water, but screw it. He’d earned a beer. It was getting dark, and he flipped on a few lights and made sure to close his blinds up tight.

Darnell sat on the couch and patted the cushion beside him. “Let’s talk about you.”

“Do we have to?”

“Afraid so. Doctor Darnell is in session. Start spilling.”

Shane dropped down beside him and stretched his legs onto the coffee table, crossing his ankles. “Hell. I can’t believe it happened. We train so much for it, but part of you never thinks it’ll really happen, you know? That someone will actually make a move on your protectee. I’ve never felt so damn scared.”

Darnell pointed at the shallow wound on the side of Shane’s head where the bullet had grazed him. “Close call.”

“Yeah. They bandaged it up, but it came off in the shower. Eh, it’s fine.”

“Still makes you think about life, doesn’t it? Remember when I took that hit in my leg a few years back? Flesh wound, but the what-ifs got pretty loud for a while.”

“Yeah. I guess I haven’t really had time to think about it. Spent most of the morning at the site taking them through it. Then at HQ. And it doesn’t matter about me. Rafa’s okay. That’s what counts. And thank Christ Alan made it through surgery. Can’t see him yet. Wanted to go anyway to be with his wife, but they sent her home with some Valium. Tomorrow, I hope.”

“He’s tough, right? He’ll make it. And it
does
matter about you, but I hear what you’re saying. Any idea how the fuckers got to you? Rumor in the news is that it’s Chechen radicals. Pissed about Castillo’s involvement in the treaty with Russia.”

“Could be. They sounded Eastern European.” Shane blinked, images of dead men swimming before his eyes.

“First time you’ve shot anyone on the job, right? Or off it.”

“Yeah. It was…I don’t know. Loud. Dark. I guess I should be upset that I killed people.”

“You did your job. You did what needed to be done to get Rafa back. Those men made a choice, and they suffered the consequences. This is what we train for. Not that it isn’t hard. I’m sure the service will send you to a shrink to talk about your feelings.”

Shane grimaced. “I’m sure they will. It was strange, you know? I’ve practiced so many times over the years. We go to the training center regularly and run through protocols and act out scenarios. The natural instinct when a person hears a gunshot is to drop to the ground. We have to train to stay on our feet and block our protectee. Take the bullet if need be. We’ve trained over and over to stay calm and use deadly force when it’s called for. So I did it. And it wasn’t like training, but it still doesn’t feel quite real.”

“I’m sure it’ll sink in. But you know, you don’t have to be upset about it. There’s no rule. Like I said, those men made their choice.”

“I’d kill them again in a heartbeat. When I think about what they would probably have done to him…” Shane gripped his beer bottle and forced himself to breathe. “I don’t know how they could have followed us. How they’d even have known we were leaving Castle. It was a pop-up. Rafa had a fight with his parents and we barely managed to follow him ourselves. Never seen him like that. So upset.” Shane shook his head, shoving away the thoughts of Rafa. “I think it was an inside job. Told them it had to be.”

“Any idea who?”

“Not a fucking clue. I don’t want to think it was someone in the service. We all have each other’s backs. We have to. If we don’t…well, I guess this is what happens.”

“Anyone else getting those updates while you were on the road?”

“Sure. The team at Castle, and any number of people at Joint Ops at HQ. There’s regular communication, and since the kidnappers managed to block our sat phones after they moved in, it stands to reason they could hack them earlier. It could have been anyone. For any number of reasons. Money. Revenge. Who knows.”

“Yeah. I don’t envy the investigators on this one. The service is going to take a lot of heat.”

Shane sipped his beer. “At the end of the day it was our fault.
My
fault.”

“Hey, you’re human. And you got him back. Saw Castillo and his wife on TV just before I came over. They said the kid’s resting. First time I can remember ever seeing her look…I don’t know. Shaken, I guess. I’m glad he’s okay. Details were scarce, but it sounds like you were a one-man army out there, ‘Unnamed Agent.’ That has a ring to it.”

He shrugged. “Had to get him back. It’s my job.”

“It is. But your feelings go deeper than that. It must have been tough. Trying to keep your cool when someone you care about is in danger.”

Shane rested his head back on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “I’ve never felt like that. That kind of worry. I…fuck, D. I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I’m in too deep.” He closed his eyes. “Let myself go way too far.”

“How far are we talking?”

He pressed his lips together and opened his eyes. “Orgasms were involved.”

Darnell whistled softly. “Well, shit. When?”

“Last night.”

His eyebrows shot up. “How’d you find time to squeeze that in?” He held up his hands. “So to speak.”

Shane had to laugh, just a little. “After the threat was eliminated, we were stuck in a cave. The gunfire set off a rock slide. Too risky to try and dig out. I knew the service would find us before long, and I had Rafa safe and contained. So we sat back and waited.”

“And got busy.”

“It was wrong. I know. But in that moment…I didn’t care. He was
alive
, and he was kissing me. And I might have kissed him first, when I found him. Seeing him again, all in one piece, it was…powerful.” Shane’s heart sped up just thinking about it, his stomach flipping with remembered anxiety and relief. “I didn’t know if we’d actually make it. Figured what the hell.” He rubbed his face. “It was incredibly irresponsible.”

“Yeah, but it was also an incredibly fucked-up and scary situation. You were pumping with adrenaline. Wanting to have sex is a pretty common response. Reaffirms that you’re alive. Besides, it’s more than sex. Shane, if you just wanted to bang Rafael Castillo, I’d tell you to suck it up, go pick up some hot young Latino hunk at a club, and get it out of your system.”

“Maybe that’s what I should do.”

“Nope. Because it’s not just sex.”