V is for Virgin (30 page)

Kyle’s arms slipped around me and held my limp body tightly to his. “Look who’s swooning,” he whispered against my lips in a low voice. The sound of it made me shiver.

“You cheated.” I gasped. I couldn’t even open my eyes.

Kyle brushed his lips against mine once more and then moved them to my ear. In that same dangerous whisper he said, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do that?”

“Since the day we met?” I guessed breathlessly, as his mouth found the soft spot behind my ear and went to work raising goose bumps all over my body.

“Since the very first moment you insulted me,” he agreed between kiss after heavenly, torturous kiss.

Kyle’s hands began to wander and I started to come back to reality. “Okay, Kyle, that’s enough. You got your kiss, now you need to stop,” I warned, but I made no attempt to move. Even I knew I sounded like I didn’t mean it.

“Why?” Kyle asked, continuing his assault on my neck.

He threaded his hands through my hair and tilted my head back so he could reach my throat. My eyes rolled back in my head. “Because,” I rasped. “You’re making it very difficult to be good. I’m a virgin, not a saint.”

Kyle chuckled deep and throaty. His breath tickled my skin. “No,” he agreed. “And you’re not a cold fish either, are you?”

“I never said I was.”

Kyle’s hands found their way beneath the hem of my shirt and I finally managed to come to my senses. I grabbed his fingers and gently peeled them off me. “I think you should go now.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s late, and you probably have a lot of packing to do, and I’m tired, and my parents are right in the other room, and because I don’t want to go there.”

Kyle managed to disentangle himself form me and raked his hand through his hair. “Val, why are you doing this? Why are you waiting? What’s the point?”

I sighed. I didn’t want to have this same old argument again.

“I get why you started V is for Virgin,” Kyle went on. “Fighting back makes sense to me. But why choose to wait in the first place? What good does it do you to wait until you’re married?”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes. I really want to know, because if you can’t give me a good answer, I’m not going to be able to walk away from you tonight.”

My hand instinctively reached for my necklace. “You know I’m adopted, right? I’m sure you’ve read that much in the papers—that my birth mom got pregnant with me when she was fifteen.”

“Yeah, I heard that. But there is birth control. You don’t have to end up like that. I don’t have any little Kyle Juniors running around out there.”

“That you know about,” I quipped.

“No way. I make sure I’m safe. If I bring a kid into this world, I want to do it right—take care of the little guy and all that. I can’t do that if I’m on the road touring, and going to parties and clubs all the time.”

Well. At least he had that much moral foundation.

“Sex doesn’t have to result in kids and you know it, so what’s the real reason for not doing it?”

“Have you ever made a promise to yourself?” I asked. “One that was important to you? That you weren’t going to break no matter how many people thought it was stupid or said you couldn’t do it?”

I knew he had. Shane once told me how determined Kyle was to make his band a success when everyone told him he couldn’t.

Kyle nodded his head slowly, deep in thought. “So you made a promise to yourself, and you don’t want to break it. Okay, I can understand that too. But why
that
promise? I want to know why it’s so important to you.”

I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with Kyle Hamilton, of all people, but as I sat there thinking about my answer I realized just how important his question was. Why
was
I so determined to keep this promise? He was right about the birth control thing—I didn’t have to end up like my birth mom. But there was so much more to it than that.

I also realized in that moment exactly how much I wanted Kyle to understand my reasoning. Kyle specifically. I wanted
him
to know why it was so important to me. Strangely enough, for all his faults, I wanted him to understand me. I wanted his respect.

“Hang on just a minute,” I said. I walked him into the living room and prompted him to have a seat on the sofa. “I’ll be right back. I have something I want to show you,”

I came back minutes later with my birth mother’s letter. I handed over the aged paper and said, “My birth mother chose my adoptive parents. They met her twice. Once to be interviewed, and once when I was born. She gave them this letter and my necklace.

Kyle read the letter and waited for me to speak again. It took me a minute before I could do so without crying. “My birth mom couldn’t remember her first time. She couldn’t even remember whom it was she slept with. I’ve had to live my life with this knowledge hanging over my head. I promised myself I would wait because I don’t want my first time to be anything even close to that. I want it to be the opposite. I want it to be the most special moment of my life.”

Kyle was quiet a minute and then he said. “I can’t blame you for wanting that, but what does it have to do with getting married?”

“Let me ask you something,” I said. “Why is the thought of being with me so appealing to you?”

Kyle laughed, bringing the tension out of the atmosphere. “You want me to list all the reasons I’m attracted to you? Shall I start with your legs?”

“No, I just mean the virgin thing,” I said matching his smile. “Why is the thought of being with a virgin so appealing?”

“Uncharted territory.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I,” Kyle insisted. “The thought of being with someone who’s never been with anyone else is hot. Getting to be the first person to make a girl feel like a woman? To be in complete control, and watch her experience new sensations for the first time? Teach her things?”

Kyle’s fingers brushed the length of my thigh. He watched me shudder. “You have no idea what I could do for you, Val. How I could make you feel.”

I grabbed his too-curious hand and laced our fingers together so that he couldn’t continue what he was doing. “Physically,” I agreed. “I’m sure. I don’t doubt you know your way around in bed. But I want sex to be more than that. My body—my virginity—is a part of me that no one in the world besides me knows. It’s something that once I give it away, I can never take it back. I’m not just going to hand it over to someone for a few moments of physical pleasure. I want the person I finally share all of myself with to be someone I trust completely. Someone who understands me, and loves me, and who I love just as much.”

“Yeah, but why
marriage
? You don’t think you can find someone who loves you without being married to them?”

“I think that if I truly found someone that loved me like that, he’d be willing to marry me. He’d be willing to wait for me. If whoever he is isn’t willing to commit his life to me, then he doesn’t deserve to share that experience with me.”

Kyle’s eyes narrowed as if I’d said that he, personally, didn’t deserve me. Though, I suppose in a way I kind of did since we both knew he wasn’t willing to wait.

“I want my virginity to mean something to both me
and
the man I spend my life with. Think about it. How would it make you feel if I decided to let you be the one person that knows me so intimately? How would it make you feel to know that no one else was allowed to touch me? That no one else ever had? Just you.”

The grin Kyle shot me was dangerous. “Why don’t you give yourself to me and I’ll let you know?”

I groaned. “Why do I even bother talking to you?”

Snatching my hand away, I got to my feet and headed toward the front door. Kyle followed quickly behind me, laughing. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist that one. But I get your point, that’d be pretty amazing. Especially if it was you, since you’re so picky and all.”

I stopped everything and looked him straight in the eye. “And, that, Kyle, is exactly the point. That’s why I’m waiting. Would you really begrudge me wanting to have that kind of connection with someone?”

Kyle stared at me for what seemed like ages as he contemplated what I’d just told him. For a minute I thought I might have gotten to him. Not that I ever thought for one second that I’d converted him to the abstinence crowd, but I really thought I’d made him see my perspective.

“It’s a romantic notion, for sure,” he said. “Too bad it’s delusional.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re doing the girl thing. You’ve conjured up this fantasy of a perfect guy. You’re saving yourself for someone that doesn’t exist. What if, in your quest to find Mr. Perfect, you pass up the opportunity for something great?”

The subtext was there in Kyle’s words. I could hear what he wasn’t saying. He was begging me not to let him go. The saddest part about this was that I didn’t want to give him up either. “Say it, Kyle,” I pleaded desperately. “Tell me you’ll wait until marriage with me, and I’m yours.”

Kyle stared at me with a truly tortured expression. “What if I told you I loved you?” he asked quietly. “What if I promised to be with you and only you?”

I felt tears prick my eyes. “It wouldn’t be enough,” I admitted sadly. “If I gave in to you I’d hate myself for it. I’d resent you. I’d always feel like you didn’t love me enough to give me the only thing I asked of you.”

“Lack of love isn’t the problem. Can’t you see that?”

That did it. My eyes welled up and the tears spilled onto my cheeks. “Then what is the problem?” I asked. “Is sex really that vital? Am I really not worth waiting for?”

Kyle swallowed hard. “If ever a girl was, Val, it’d be you, but I can’t promise that. You have no idea what my life is like. There are always too many beautiful and willing women. There’s too much temptation. Too much
expectation
. If I wasn’t getting it from you I’d probably stray. I know how that sounds, but I’m just being honest. I’m only human, Val. A weak one who’s been indulged way too long. I can’t give you what you’re asking for because I’m afraid of breaking your heart.”

If he only knew how much his confession was already doing that.

He’d almost had me convinced. I’d almost given in—I wanted to give in. But as much as I understood his fear, and even respected his candidness, the truth only strengthened my resolve.

“Our hands are tied then, Kyle, because asking me to go back on who I am, on everything I’ve worked so hard for, and everything I believe in would break my heart too. I’m sorry.”

Kyle smiled sadly. We’d finally stopped going round in circles and hit a wall. This was the last time we’d ever have this conversation and we both knew it. “I’m sorry too,” he said and then pulled me into his arms for one last embrace. It was a hug I’d remember for the rest of my life. “If you ever decide to lower your standards, you make sure and call me first,” he said as he squeezed me tight.

I laughed, but there was a small sob in it. “And if you ever realize that I’m completely worth the wait, you have my permission to call.”

Kyle eventually managed to open the front door and step out onto the porch. “Take care, Virgin Val. I really do hope you find what you’re looking for.

“Really?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Of course.” He forced the smile back on his face and even managed a wink. “You are completely insane, but you’re still my favorite virgin.”

My answering smile was genuine, if sad. “Bye, Kyle.”

“Bye.”

“Valerie!” Reggie’s entire face lit up as he reached for my smoothie and began pouring chocolate yogurt in it. “You hardly ever come to see me anymore.”

“I hardly ever come to work anymore.”

The sigh that followed my statement made Reggie’s smile vanish. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said, yawning so big my eyes began to water. I was tired from having stayed up with my mom for hours the night before. But I was also just tired in general. “I’m okay. Just been busy.”

“Okay,” Reggie said uncertainly. “Well it was good to see you again. Make sure you get some sleep tonight. You look kind of tired. In fact, let me get you a soda.”