Use Somebody (67 page)

My next go-to person was Ricky. But damn it, I didn’t want to call him either. Running from one dangerous man’s arms to another’s didn’t seem responsible. Even if he happened to be alone, sobered up, and by some miracle didn’t hate my guts right now, he’d take one look at me and beat the shit out of Dirk and Phoenix before asking any questions.

I had no one.

Doubtful that tensions had thawed since tonight’s intervention, the calls I made were purely out of desperation.

I pressed a few buttons and held the phone to my ear, hoping that Kiki would still be awake.

It rang four times, followed by her perky voicemail greeting. No answer.

Tears pricked in my eyes as I hung up and searched in my contacts for Cole’s number. I knew he didn’t like me right now, but I was desperate, praying that someone would answer my call for help.

“Please… please…” I begged as the line rang until his voicemail picked up too. A few silent tears escaped as my hope was beginning to slip.

But I couldn’t give up. I dialed the next number, knowing she would figure out what I had done as soon as I told her where I was. I didn’t want anyone to know, but safety trumped my shame at this point.

“This had better be good,” Gwen grumbled, sleep coating her voice.

I breathed.
Thank you, God.

“I need a ride,” I whispered.

“What the hell, Scarlett? It’s almost four in the morning!”

“Please… I can’t drive, I want to go home,” I all but cried to her.

“Alright, alright,” she sighed. “Where are you?”

“Not far… I’m at Dirk’s house.”

She laughed an exhausted, resigned laugh. “What did you get yourself into now?”

“He tried to… but he didn’t. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had no choice…” Still shaken, my words were heavy with emotion. My brain was going a million miles a minute. “Please Gwen. I can’t stay here.”

“Wait. What?”

“Just come get me please. Hurry.”

“On my way.”

I snapped my cell shut and stared out the window as if I expected her car to pull up within seconds. Enclosed in silence, everything started to hit me. It was just me and my thoughts, mulling over every minute of the second longest night of my life. How the hell had I screwed up so badly in one night?

My legs almost gave out when I finally saw headlights pull into the street. By this point there was more adrenaline running through my veins than blood.

I dashed out of the room, dodging Phoenix’s sleeping figure with my clothes clutched in my hand, and scampered down the hall through the family room where Dirk had been. The sounds of him and Lexi moaning on the couch made me cringe.
Seriously, Lexi? DAMN.
I crept past without them noticing, and grabbed my purse and car keys from the hook. Making as little noise as possible, I opened the front door and closed it behind me.

I ran at a full-on sprint down the driveway just as Hunter’s car pulled up.

Gwen climbed out of the passenger seat wearing plaid pajama pants and a hoodie. She pushed her glasses up her nose and hugged herself against the frigid air. I felt her scrutiny travel from my bare legs all the way up to my wet hair and no doubt frazzled expression.

“Explain.”

“Uh…” My eyes flickered to Hunter in the driver’s seat. I didn’t realize he would come with her. No way was I confessing the horrors of my night in front of him.

“Why did you need a ride at four in the morning? Your car’s right there.” She looked from my car parked along the curb, to me, then figured it out herself. “You’re drunk.”

I bit anxiously on my lip and nodded. The last twenty minutes had mostly sobered me up, but mentally I was in no state to drive. I was completely and utterly fried.

“And Vance?” she demanded.

I couldn’t look at her. “He ended it,” I confessed to my feet.

Gwen looked down the street again. My car was the only one on the curb. “It doesn’t look like Dirk had a party tonight. Did you come over here to hookup with him?”

I cringed. I hadn’t come here intending to hookup with him, but that’s exactly what happened. No use contesting it.

Gwen just shook her head in disappointment. It made me want to crawl into a hole.

“Glad he finally wised up then.” She held out her hand, speaking through her teeth. “Give me your keys.”

I blinked. “But… you don’t drive stick.”

“We’ll come back for your car tomorrow. Get in the backseat.”

My eyes widened in horror. “No, Gwen, not—”

“I don’t want to hear it, Scar!” She snatched the keys from my hand and climbed into Hunter’s car, ignoring the dread in my expression. It wasn’t lost on me that this was the first time she used my shortened name. “Now,” she shouted and slammed the door shut.

She was beyond pissed. There would be no changing her mind.

I stood there shivering for a few more seconds before making my way to the car.
No big deal. I could do this.
I held my breath, slid into the backseat and buckled my seatbelt. My house was only a couple miles away. Five minutes tops, and I’d be home.

“Can’t believe I had to drag my ass out of bed for this,” Hunter grumbled while he started up the car.

Well, I wasn’t too thrilled about his company either. So I ignored him.

The tension in the car was stifling. I wished they would talk to each other. Or turn on the radio.
Something
to drown out the thoughts and memories beginning to surface.

We only made it a couple blocks before I started to freak out.

It was minimal at first. My posture was stiff. My breathing became shallow and uneven.

It felt all too familiar. Sitting in the backseat. A man driving. Just like
that night…

I tried to focus out the window on the street lights we passed, brightening and dimming one by one. But my eyes kept bouncing back to Hunter. I was having trouble looking at him and not seeing another man in his place.

I started to sweat, my heart picking up its rhythm. I fought to remain in control, though I could feel myself slipping. All the emotions from tonight had been working in overdrive until I was physically, mentally, and emotionally spent.

I ducked my head between my knees, hoping he wouldn’t notice my erratic behavior. I tried to calm my breathing. Tried to stop the shudders. Tried to tell myself that I was safe and that I’d be home in a matter of minutes.

He took a turn a little too quickly. Tires skidded in his impatience, and the smell of burnt rubber hit my nose.

That’s when I lost it.

This last year I’d built a wall around my heart to block out anything that threatened to break through. It protected me from fully experiencing strong emotions from past demons, as well as good things like friendship and love.

Bit by bit, that wall had been crumbling, until tonight, when it was wholly vanquished.

Whether it was the fight with Ricky, my falling out with friends, the heartbreak with Vance, the near miss with Dirk, reliving the car ride from hell, my imminent goodbye, or the accumulation of all six that finally did me in, something inside me broke.

I screamed.

And screamed.

And fought the hands trying to still me.

And screamed.

And finally, I went limp.

* * *

[Past]

When my new reality solidified, I found myself bound and held hostage in the backseat of my own car. I didn’t care about the gun. I didn’t care about my safety. I didn’t care about anything.

Nothing but my need for vengeance.

This monster had taken everything from me.

I hated him.
I hated him.

Wrists still tied together, I lifted the object and slammed it into his skull. Once. Twice. And again until I felt it dig in and rip his flesh apart. Red splattered everywhere as we lost ourselves in a battle of limbs and bloodshed.

Everything became a weapon: fists, elbows, fingernails and teeth. And he had his own disadvantage of fighting me off while still trying to steer the car. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my system, I was lost in a haze of violence and barely even felt all the hits I took.

I had never, ever been an angry or aggressive person, but something inside me just snapped. I didn’t remember the decision to fight him. It was like my mind shut down and someone else took over. My body went through the movements—slapping, scratching, pulling hair, biting, screaming at the monster in the driver’s seat. I was on a hell-bent mission to fight, to make him pay for what he had done. For the innocent life lost tonight. He was going down.

After one last blow, I reached over and grabbed the steering wheel, yanking it towards me. Hands grabbed at me. We fought for control as the car swerved dangerously across the lanes.

Horns blared and lights whizzed past us as we tore down the road in dangerous speeds, until we clipped a curb, fishtailed, and at last lost control.

Spinning.

Shouting.

Sirens.

Screeching.

Rolling.

Tumbling.

Crash.

* * *

[Present]

The next thing I knew, a girl wearing glasses and a hoodie was crouched down beside me.

I was in fetal position on the sidewalk, rocking back and forth and trying to hold myself together when every inch of me had already fallen apart.

“He’s dead,” I croaked. Tears were streaming down my face. I could barely focus on her worrisome eyes peering at me through thick black frames. She seemed confused, but she didn’t speak.

“He’s dead,” I said again. Now they both were. My own sick, twisted version of justice. Couldn’t she see the blood all over me? Did she know it was all my fault?

“What the fuck?” said a male voice behind her.

“What the fuck?” the girl with glasses repeated.

The next morning I awoke to angry pounding on my bedroom door, which roughly translated to “it’s time to rise and shine.” The clock said 11:39. My whole body hurt like hell. I rolled onto my back and rubbed my eyes, staring up at the ceiling with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The memory of getting home last night was a little fuzzy. I checked my phone, no missed calls, but I had called several people around 3:30 in the morning. The last one was Gwen, and I was fairly certain I remembered her picking me up.

Images of last night faded in and out. The hole Ricky had left in the wall. The awkward standoff with Vance’s friends. The tenderness in his eyes when he touched me. The resolve in his voice when he ended it and threw me out…

Phoenix… Lexi… Dirk…

I groaned at the memory of kissing Dirk in the Jacuzzi. I stuck out my tongue and coughed out as many germs as I could.
Really, Scar? Dirk?
How could I have done that? Disgusted with myself, I crawled out of bed and headed for the shower to wash out the stink of chlorine, booze and bitch.

While waiting for the shower to heat up, I turned to face the mirror and stared at my reflection head on. Who was this vile creature? And why did she think she could fight her demons with more demons?

A slurry of answers taunted me, none of them honorable. I was a despicable mess, inside and out, reaching a new low and unable to muster up any respect for myself. And it wasn’t this town that made me this way… it was just me. Would leaving really solve my problems?

That sick feeling began to build within me again, and I rushed to heave violently into the toilet.

For nearly an hour I sat in the tub with my arms wrapped around my knees. As the scalding water rained down and the whole room grew thick with steam, I inhaled deeply, willing the apathy to fill my lungs.

* * *

No matter how many times I brushed my teeth, I still tasted disgusting. Even after my shower, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck.

I popped a couple aspirins, pulled on sweats, and only bothered to pull back my tangled, wet hair before I fell back into bed. My parents hated it when I holed up in my bedroom all day. Like if I wasn’t constantly productive, I was wasting my life away. Not that a hangover would make an acceptable excuse against that argument. I had a shower and it proved I was still alive. That was all I could give them today.

This time tomorrow, I’d be out of their hair for good.

When I heard the familiar purr of my own engine coming down our cul-de-sac, I opened my shutters and peeked out the window. Good gracious, it was bright outside, and I cringed at the condemning sun.

Sure enough, it was my Eclipse—driven by none other than Vance Holloway himself—followed by Gwen’s Mini Cooper.

I groaned and dragged myself out of bed.

Knowing I had to face what I’d done, I felt physically ill. After everything Vance had done for me, the way he believed in me and cared for me, this was how I repaid him. God only knows why he was still here, helping me, being a friend. Even though he just found my car deserted at some guy’s house the morning after I’d broken his heart.

He parked the Eclipse in the driveway and got out as Gwen idoled at the curb. Keys in hand, he headed straight for me. Every step caused my chest to contract until he was right before me, handing me the keys without breaking our gaze.

He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me with a crippling anguish in his eyes that we both knew I was responsible for. The same broken heart that I once adorned, until I stopped letting myself feel.

Finally, unable to stand it anymore, I spoke.

“Thanks for bringing my car back from Dirk’s.”

There. Wasn’t that the whole reason I’d created this mess in the first place? To sabotage everything, just as he once accused me? To give him one more reason why I was unredeemable, and why he was justified in walking away?

Vance just stared at me and said nothing.

“I know I’m a fuckup, alright?” I yelled, even though it wasn’t his fault.

Then again, wasn’t it his fault for pushing me too far? For making me believe I deserved that sliver of happiness? Trust. Love. All that emotional rigmarole bullshit. I told him I couldn’t do this. I told him I wasn’t good enough. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so stubborn, this wouldn’t have hurt so much. Perhaps the thought of moving on alone wouldn’t have made me feel so empty.

“Maybe if you had listened to me months ago, none of this would have happened.”

The words left a sour taste in my mouth. It wasn’t at all what I wanted to say. It was far from how I really felt. I cared about Vance, deeply and intimately. But I was still so angry. Angry for failing him. For failing myself. I feared that if I asked for forgiveness, he would give it. And I couldn’t live with that.

But this time, I didn’t have to worry. He wasn’t here to forgive me, nor continue his pursuit. No, he was just here to return my car.

Without uttering a single word, he turned and walked away from me, got in the car with Gwen, and left.

* * *

[Journal]

I’ve done a lot of stupid things.

But the worst thing I’ve ever done is hurt the person I love.

* * *

As my hangover subsided, my anger dwindled and the depression set in. I started to feel remorse over the entire previous day. If I could go back and do it all over, I never would have gone to Dirk’s house. I never would have said Gabriel’s name. But even before that, and most of important of all, I would have told Vance the truth—before it was already too late. He deserved that much.

Why had I been so stubborn to hold onto my secrets? Even if the truth pushed him away, at least I wouldn’t be lying here with the pain of hurting him intentionally.

I didn’t expect my phone to ring that night. But even this mess of a girl was lucky enough to get a checkup call from Phoenix. After making sure I was okay, he apologized profusely for himself and Dirk. Apparently they were both distraught over what happened in the spa last night. The memory was no better for me.

Dirk messed up. Big time. But I knew the feeling of guilt well. I told Phoenix to relay my forgiveness and asked that he look out for his friend. Thank goodness the unthinkable didn’t happen this time, but it was not behavior that should go unchecked. Not by any means.

I even told Phoenix I was leaving for Texas tomorrow. He stopped by shortly after to give me a hug that lasted at least ten minutes. It was the only friendly goodbye I would receive, and I didn’t want to let him go.

As he finally pulled away, the afternoon sun haloed his blond hair, casting a blinding angelic glow. We traded smiles. He tugged affectionately on one of my curls.

Turned out there was one more person I was definitely going to miss in California.

Later that evening, I was even more surprised to see a second call coming in from Gwen. Under normal circumstances, she was not the type to call for a chat. After my horrible display last night, I was surprised she was even speaking to me.

I took a deep breath and answered. “Hey Gwen.”

“Scar.”

“Thanks again for the ride last night. And for returning my car this morning.”

“Yep.”

I realized her responses were clipped and swallowed, preparing myself for the worst. “How pissed is he?”

There was a short pause, followed by a large sigh. Quite possibly, the loudest in the history of all her sighs. Immediately it had me on edge.

“Vance and I had an interesting conversation today.”

Something in her tone told me this was serious. I shifted in my seat, undeniably nervous.

“…Okay?” I prompted.

“We pieced together some information we both had, and did a little investigative work. Scarlett… we know everything.”

It wouldn’t have been that difficult to piece together. I left Vance’s house late, seriously upset. I ended up at Dirk’s house, drunk, frightened, and even more upset than before. There wasn’t much to figure out.

The worst part? I couldn’t even be angry that the two of them had teamed up to dissect my depravity. After all, I had dragged them both into it.

“I know,” I said. “I figured he pretty much knew everything this afternoon.”

Another thickening pause. “We know about Valentine’s Day.”

* * *

Valentine’s. Day.

Two simple words meant to denote love, hearts, cupid and candy.

But not for me.

For me, they represented everything about my life I’d grown to hate.

Fear. Helplessness. Guilt. Grief.

The loss of my angel. The rise of the monster.

All these months I’d been trying to escape my past. Trying to bury those emotions. Trying to start over.

But my deepest secrets had been hidden only one Google search away. If my two closest friends had figured it out, there was no possible way to outrun it any longer.

They knew.

And that’s when everything came crashing down.

* * *

[Past – Valentine’s Day]

I sent Gabriel a text to let him know I was here alone. He was always concerned with my safety, especially considering I worked in a less-than-desirable side of town and all. He made me promise that if I was ever the last to leave, I’d let him know, and he’d come to escort me out. It might’ve been a little over the top, but we both had reasons to take precautions. Besides, I was happy for any excuse to see him.

Usually the closing manager walked me to my car at the end of the night. But tonight Willa left early for some kind of family emergency. Her oldest daughter (twelve) had called to say her youngest son (two) was running a fever.

“I’ll close up here,” I assured her and shooed her out the door. “My last report is almost finished, then I’ll lock up.”

“Don’t forget to set the alarm when you leave. You remember the security code?”

“Yes! I remember it all! Go on now, your baby needs you!”

“Bless you!” she pinched my dimpled cheeks and hurried home to her three children. I didn’t mind at all closing up myself so she could tend to her precious family.

I checked my phone again. Still nothing from Gabriel. Was he busy? A touch of disappointment settled in. I thought for sure he’d make time to see me tonight, even to take advantage of a quick escort to the back parking lot. Maybe sneak in a kiss or two.

Our recent beach date had shown me his romantic side. This was not to say I expected elaborate Valentine’s Day plans. I knew some guys viewed this day as just another meaningless Hallmark holiday. And if that was his belief, I wasn’t going to push it. Although I knew for sure he wouldn’t just ignore me just to prove a point. My safety had always been his priority. So why wasn’t he responding?

I checked my cell one last time. Nothing. Would he be mad if I just went home? I had stalled for a while already and he couldn’t expect me to hang out for hours, waiting to hear from him, right?

Another thought occurred to me and it stopped me cold. What if something had happened to him? He was always so quick to respond to my texts. His silence was out of character and disconcerting. Should I be worried?

Before I could talk myself out of it, I pressed the little receiver button and held the cell to my ear. One ring, I breathed. At least his phone wasn’t off. Two rings, I swallowed. Three rings, I leaned my back up against the wall. Four rings, my knee was bouncing up and down like a rubber ball. A generic voicemail kicked in. I hung up. Nobody checked voice messages these days, so I sent him a text.

Scarlett: Heading home. Worried about you. Can you please let me know that you’re ok?

I grabbed my purse and the keys, and tried to shake off my anxiousness. Oftentimes I was prone to overthink things. I was just getting carried away, jumping to outrageous conclusions simply because he hadn’t responded to a text in the last twenty minutes.

It really wasn’t practical to get all worked up when I had no evidence something bad had happened. He was probably just in another room, out with his friends, asleep with the ringer on silent. Any number of logical explanations.

But I couldn’t deny that in my gut, something didn’t feel quite right.

* * *

[Present]

Everything just got a hell of a lot more complicated.

Shame. Outrage. Why was Gwen constantly putting her nose in my business? What happened to the Gwen from high school that had always been too preoccupied with her own life to care about anyone else? After I moved back home and decided to work at Mooshi, I was counting on laying low. But this whole time she’d been trying to pry, insisting that she knew best, and pushing Vance and me together when I wasn’t ready. And now he was more involved than ever.