Unwanted Stars (32 page)

"Chugga chugga, chugga chugga choooooo choooooo," he said as he moved his green train around the track, his boyish grin spread across his gorgeous face.

"Tommy say tooooooo toooooo, Audey," Marty said, passing me his Thomas Engine.

"That's a big deal, Auntie. He doesn't usually share Thomas. It's his favorite," Jason said. I shot a dirty look at my brother, knowing exactly what he was trying to do. Trying to make me feel special. It was not his forte. This was the man who'd called me a little shit since I started rifling through his bedroom looking for ways to get him into trouble. But even though I knew he was trying just a little too hard, I went with it, appreciating the effort and my adorable nephew.

"Well, thank you, Marty Pants." I said, giving Thomas a kiss before handing him back.

"No kiss, twain. Pway twain," he said, shaking his little head at me.

"Wow, his speech is out of control," I said to Jason.

"He's brilliant. Was there any doubt?" Jason said, looking way too proud of himself.

I glanced at Hadley, who was enjoying the play session just as much as I was. The way she gazed at Jason brought so much peace to my heart. She knew how proud he was to be Marty's father, and it would all be official after tomorrow. As soon as they became husband and wife, Martin's last name would change to Kelly and they would officially be a family. But, for all intents and purposes, they already were.

Hadley and I shared a smile, but then her face turned somber. She was feeling sorry for me. And I couldn't have that. I shook my head abruptly and she knew exactly what I was saying. I didn't want her pity. We were way beyond all of that. She shook her head while laughing quietly to herself. Then she mouthed, "I love you."

And I returned the sentiment, mouthing, "I love you more."

Before leaving London, I was bound and determined to share my news with Hadley. But now that we were here, I wasn't so sure. It was the morning of their rehearsal dinner and my reserved, shy friend was downright giddy. Dresses and suits were already hanging from bedroom doors. Light and airy pop music was playing in the kitchen, and when I entered the living room, she was dancing with Marty, bouncing him on her hip. God, she was such a natural, and we were such opposites. I couldn't imagine myself being the kind of mom she was. And she was the cream of the crop.

"Sleep well?" she asked.

"Need. Coffee. Stat."

"Uh oh, need an I.V. today?" she teased.

"I think a couple of cups should do."

"On the counter," she said. Jason had made French roast.

"Mmmm, perfect," I said, dragging my feet in my slippers to the kitchen. "Do you know where Cam is?"

"He and Jason went for a run."

"Jason runs now?"

"Yeah, he's been on a health kick lately. I think they're doing a few miles."

"Cool."

I poured a steaming cup of coffee, adding a touch of milk and sugar before sitting on the couch, watching Marty play with his trains. Hadley sat on the floor and turned her attention to me.

"So, it's just us. Tell me how you're doing."

"Had, today's about you. Let's discuss all this after your honeymoon."

"No."

"No?" I asked, surprised at the audacity in her voice. Truth be told, she usually let me have my way. It was one of the many things I loved about her. I was the "alpha" in our friendship. But not today. Today, I knew she wasn't going to bend.

"No," she repeated. She wasn't playing around.

"Fine. I'm confused. I'm pissed off. And I can't stand the sight of my mother."

"Which one?" she asked, cautiously.

"Either one," I answered with a shrug.

"I'm so sorry," she said, running her fingers through her hair. "Jase is devastated. He's gotten into so many arguments with your dad."

"Well, I don't want that. The last thing I want is to drag him into this."Although secretly, I was thrilled that my brother was on my side in all of this. It made me feel just a little less alone.

"I think they're okay for now...until after the wedding. Jason insisted they talk again when we get back from Jamaica."

"Are you ready?"

"I am," she said, grinning, "but leaving my boy will be rough."

"He's staying with your mom?"

"Yeah. She's excited. And I
know
he'll have fun. I'll just miss him."

"He'll miss you too, but you and Jase need a proper honeymoon, just the two of you."

"I know. Tomorrow I'll be married to the man of my dreams. It's...sometimes it's too good to be true, ya know?"

"Ehh," I said, pretending to brush her off. "He's nothing special."

"He is and you know it."

"Fine. Okay. Whatever."

"Thank you," she said, shaking her head and passing an engine to Marty.

"He is pretty great. Just...don't tell him I said that."

"Fine. Okay. Whatever," she said, the mocking tone of her words reading loud and clear.

"You're getting grumpy in your old age," I teased.

She pretended not to hear me and I chuckled before finishing my coffee. Just being there with Hadley was cathartic for me: watching her with Marty, hearing her voice in person rather than over a bad phone connection, seeing her eyes light up around my brother. It was priceless. And right then and there, I knew I wouldn't be able to stay in Europe for too long. I needed her. I needed Jason and Marty. Secretly, I wondered if I could get them to move to London.

Some things you want. Some things you need. All I knew was that I needed my best friend to feel complete.

"Are they out running again?" I asked Hadley, who was cooking eggs in the kitchen. She nodded, swaying to the music coming from the TV. Marty was bopping up and down, watching Sesame Street characters sing about the letter B.

Ouch. Shit. That hurt. A stabbing pain in my gut. Not quite a cramp but a little more intense. I casually steadied myself with the breakfast bar, trying not to draw attention to myself.

"Sit down, I made us breakfast."

"Ahhh, thanks. Can I help?"

"Nope, I already set the table. Sit down and have some OJ."

"What about Marty?"

"He ate an hour ago. We'll have a girls’ breakfast."

"Great," I said, taking a seat at the table. Orange juice, slices of toast, and bacon sat in the middle of the table. Hadley walked to the table and dished out two servings of scrambled eggs.

Crushing pain in my abdomen. I clutched my belly underneath the table, doing my best not to wince. I had to get to the bathroom.

"I-I'm sorry, Had. I-I'll be right back."

I walked as quickly as possible to their master bathroom, knowing I would need a tampon or a pad. I rummaged through Hadley's cabinet and grabbed what I needed. Another pain shot through my gut, this one by far the worst yet. When I sat down on the toilet, I saw exactly what I expected to see.

Blood. So much blood. My period had arrived. It was late, but it had come.

I'm not pregnant
.

Within minutes, the pain subsided, morphing into regular cramps. I finished up in the washroom, glancing at my pale face in the mirror.

I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant.

Instead of relief, I felt nothing but panic. The walls started to close in on me and sweat formed on my brow. The bathroom felt like a sauna and my chest started to heave up and down, up and down. I was starting to hyperventilate, and the more I tried to slow my breathing, the faster and more out of control it became.

What was happening to me?

"Aud?" Hadley asked, knocking on the door, her voice meek. "Everything okay?"

"Uh..." was all I could manage. She jiggled the door handle as I clutched the sink, staring at myself in the oval mirror.

"The door's locked. I can't come in."

"I-I," I tried to speak, but I couldn't form a coherent thought. Sweat poured down my neck and my vision turned cloudy.
Was I dying?

"Can you unlock the door, Auden?" Hadley shook the door, trying to get it to open. I knew what she was asking, but my brain couldn't connect the dots to make my hand turn the knob.

"You're scaring me, Aud."

The only thing I could hear was my heaving lungs. The drip drip drip of the leaky faucet. The air conditioning vent above my head.

"I-I need..."

"What do you need, honey? Anything. I'll get you whatever you need."

"I nee-I need her. Call her...please."

"Of course," she said.

She knew exactly who I wanted, who I needed. The one person whose arms I needed to wrap around me. I stared at the cold metal of the doorknob, trying to focus on the lock, to make myself undo it. But I couldn't. The room was starting to spin. The blue and teal tiles that lined the walls were starting to blend together, swirling into a neverending stream of color.

"She's on her way," Hadley said. "She'll be here in ten minutes, okay?"

"O-okay."

"Sit down, alright? Just sit on the floor and she'll be here soon, I promise."

I slid down to the floor, my head pressed against the wall, the room still spinning around in circles.

"Auden, honey, I'm here," I heard my mother say to me from the other side of the wooden door. Tears I didn't know I had in me erupted from my eyes when I heard her delicate voice.

"Unlock the door, sweetheart," Charlotte said, her voice calm despite the incredibly odd scenario playing out in my brother's bathroom.

"I-I can't," I said, gripping the bath mat to my right. I felt like I was going to faint.

"Reach out and turn the knob. Just turn it, honey. I'll do the rest."

"I tried, but I can't…" My words trailed off as my breathing increased again.

"Hadley, does Jason have a toolbox?"

"Um, yeah, he does, but—"

"I'm going to take the door off the hinges."

"Oh wow. Okay, I'll be right back," she replied.

"No," I yelled, even though my voice was almost inaudible. "I-I can do it."

I crawled to my knees and dragged myself to the door, reaching up to touch the knob, my heart still going a mile a minute, sweat still pouring down my forehead. I managed to grab the knob and turn it slightly. I heard a pop, and in a fraction of a second, my mother turned it the rest of the way and opened the door slowly.