Unorthodox Therapy (38 page)

“Thomas, please, cut to the chase. Most women would never give you a chance to justify yourself. Don't waste it.”

“I have no intention of justifying myself, Lina.” He sighed again and stood still. “What I did was wrong. Period. The most important thing about dominance is keeping control of your emotions. No one should perform a punishment when they're so angry.”

I turned my head back to him, deciding it would be better to face him so I could judge his body language better, as difficult as it was.

“What you did wasn't much different from most of our play sessions together.” I crossed my arms over my chest but it didn't make me feel more secure. “But it was the first time you scared the shit out of me, especially when you cut my clothes off. It would have been sexy in other circumstances. That night... I was actually afraid for my life.”

He nodded and took my words with dignity, to his credit, without trying to manipulate me with a hurt expression. The trust couldn't be repaired so easily.

“I know. It probably won't make you feel better but I terrified myself. I've never been a violent person in spite my sexual preferences. That behavior... Lina, it was as if I was possessed by someone else.”

“Maybe that is who you really are, Thomas,” I said with effort. “Maybe that’s why you always do your best to be friendly and make a good impression so no one will suspect your demons.”

“I suppose you may be right.” His reaction surprised me and I let him continue. “I'll try to work it out instead of pushing the memory away.” This time, he turned around as if looking at me would make it unbearable to continue. “The truth is, you're the third woman I've been in a D/s relationship with, but it wouldn't matter even if I’d had thirty-three before you. Every submissive is different and it takes time for the Dom to truly get to know her – what works for her, what limits need to be pushed to make the experience significant. Many times when I look strong and confident, I'm just terrified I may take a wrong step, especially during first encounters.” He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and looked back at me. “But no other woman has ever made me feel like you did. I was so in an awe when you accepted my offer. It amazed me that someone as strong and special as you would take pleasure in bending to my will.”

“I was just as shocked. I still can't believe you talked me into it. Not because I didn't think you were worthy. I didn't think I could allow anyone to take control over me.”

Thomas exuded sincerity with every word, and even if he was simply a masterful actor, I needed to be open with him.

“Maybe you'll be shocked but you’ve got just as much power over me, Lina. I don't want to use big words, especially in our situation, but I never felt so intensely about anyone. True, you’ve been so submissive and you match my kinks but there's more. I’ve never felt so intimate with anyone. The only day we spent together, all the things you shared with me... I don't know what happened but I'm sure it was the moment when our connection became stronger. Or was that just wishful thinking on my part?”

Any other day, I'd have tried to deny it. I’d have told him it was always just about the sex, but all those small lies, cover-ups and masks were the reason we’d ended up in such a mess.

“No, Thomas. I felt the same way, as if someone finally understood me. It scared the hell out of me. I felt too vulnerable and out of my comfort zone.”

“So that was why you were shutting me out. You always did what you were told but kept your walls in place.” His voice sounded as if he was having some kind of epiphany. I raised my eyebrow at him and squeezed my hands together. “All this time I thought you didn’t consider me to be good enough. I didn't want to lose you and felt I'd failed to meet your expectations.”

“That is ridiculous, Thomas.” I longed to touch him so badly but I held back. There was no time for that now. Or ever. “I allowed you to see me at my most vulnerable, to play with me and control me. I begged you and crawled at your feet. Do you think I'd allow just any man that kind of freedom? And if I gave myself to someone I didn’t think worthy, what does it say about me?”

“That makes sense, but then I felt like my time was running out. I was ready to do anything to keep you. The fear you'd walk away from me, after all we shared together, drove me insane. And...” Thomas ran his fingers through his hair and sighed deeply. “I'm not proud of this, but when I saw you with that guy, kissing him so passionately, something inside me broke. He suited you much better than I ever could.”

I sighed and walked back to my chair with a growing sadness in my heart.

“Thomas, the only reason I kissed that man was to make you jealous. I never would have done it if I'd known it would backfire at me like this. I'm sorry to say it but your speech sounds like a rapist’s excuse, as if you're trying to blame me for your lack of control. How can I be sure that tomorrow you won't beat the hell out of me for speaking with a man?”

Thomas took a few steps towards me. I didn't protest or tell him to keep his distance so he kept walking.

“I won't lie and promise it will never happen again. I never thought I had such a dark, ugly side, but all of this happened, most of all, because we weren’t honest.” He stared at me with longing, and said simply, “I know my own limits better, as well as my weaknesses, and I just want to be with you. At this point, I think I could even drop the kink if my behavior scarred you beyond redemption.”

“I...” All my determination was slipping away at the sight of him, his words, the promise of a new start. I was ready to take him back, to trust him again. That made zero sense in the bigger picture.

He brushed his trembling fingertips across my cheek. Could the tenderness of a simple touch be enough to erase the horror of that night? It would take a lot more.

“We could be good together and grow as a couple. It wouldn't be easy, but I'm sure we could get over this episode together.” Thomas pulled his hand away and smiled for the first time since he entered my office. “I'll leave you to think about it. Let me know if you think I must resign.”

He was nearly at the door when I finally got my voice back and I broke out of my stupor.

“Thomas.” His hand was on the handle when he turned back to eagerly meet my gaze . “I don't want you to change. I loved your dominant side. I know things would get worse if you gave it up.”

I took my whiskey glass and poured the contents down my throat. The burning taste of alcohol warmed my blood and filled me with liquid courage.

“But I don't want to turn into a voiceless, submissive housewife. I don't want to walk on eggshells out of fear I could provoke your anger. This is how every abusive relationship starts.” My fingers ran along the rim of the tumbler. “The abuser does something terrible, then he gives you a profound apology. Before the victim realizes, it all turns in a vicious circle of abuse and Stockholm Syndrome. Wash, rinse, repeat.”

Once again, Thomas defied my expectations and smiled broadly instead of getting angry or withdrawn. Would he ever do something predictable?

“Lina, you could never be a doormat no matter what happened between us. You have no qualms about putting people like Seth Anderson in his place. You got rid of your abusive ex when you realized it was an unhealthy relationship.” His confidence poured from every word. I wished I could say the same about myself. “Even there in my basement, you were scared out of your wits but you still found the strength to safeword and stop me. No man can cut you down unless you allow him to. Get rid of me, but don't doubt who you are.”

He was killing me. I was determined to never let him win my trust again, but I longed to get back what we had. A second chance was too tempting a treat to allow to pass me by. Was it what I wanted, though? Or what I needed? Poison didn't always come with a warning label and was often disguised with sweetness.

“You've been manipulative so far. You're so good at persuading people. What if I end up thinking I want to be abused because you plant the thought in my mind?”

“You're being a little unfair here.” He crossed his arms over his chest and a mischievous smile lit up his face. I hadn't realized how much I’d missed it. “Submission shouldn’t work that way. Manipulation may be part of the game, though, and I had to use every mental trick up my sleeve with you, feisty one.”

“But...”

“What gets me off when I’m dominating you is that I allow you to indulge in all the things your body and mind crave. It's about giving you what you need in exchange for your obedience. Not forcing you to do things you hate just to please me. Tell me, Lina...”

Thomas came back to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

“Last time excluded, have I ever made you do something that ended up as a bad experience for you? Even if you hated some of it, wasn't it gratifying? I swear you were glowing after our sessions. I've never seen you so happy before.”

I sighed and looked up at him with a defeated expression. It was debatable whether I was strong, weak or just plain mad to say it out loud to Thomas. There was no sign of the evil psychopath who had tortured me. The delicate root of trust started growing again. Why was it so easy for him to charm me?

I knew, though, that this was not a clever use of his tricks. Over the years, I’d gotten very good at recognizing the fakeness in people's behavior. Thomas was either sincere or in such a deep state of delusion that he believed his own lies.

“You were right all along. I'm submissive and it scares me, especially with you. I loved everything we did together – when you were hurting me, when you denied me an orgasm, when you degraded me and made me crawl or used my mouth. You gave me more pleasure than I ever thought I'd feel.”

Fuck, just talking about it made me wet again. How pathetic could I possibly get? I cleared my throat and kept on with my speech before I lost myself in kinky desires.

“But I'm still scared you'll use my body against me to get what you want. I'm giving you so much power. If you lost control, I'd be as good as dead.”

“You can interrupt the scene anytime you’re uncomfortable. You're not a limitless slave and have every right to speak up if I ever abuse you. I don't want it to sound as if I'm blaming you. It was the first time you’d experienced my bad side. You weren't prepared, but if you decide to give me a second chance, you must safeword at the first signs that trouble you.” He leaned to place his lips against my face and moved them down my skin with soft, small kisses. “I hate that I hurt you but I'm prepared to make amends.”

Our physical intimacy and his touch melted my resistance. It was insane but I needed him.

“Please, kiss me,” I asked weakly, ashamed of my easy surrender.

He pulled me up into a tight embrace and obliged with a happy smile on his face, sliding his tongue into my open mouth. He stroked my back with comforting movements and ran his thumb across my spine. I responded to his kiss with an insatiable hunger, devouring him as if there was no tomorrow. All doubts were gone from my mind when our lips clashed in a savage, needy kiss. I couldn't fear what tomorrow would bring. What mattered was that Thomas was here and completed me better than anyone else.

He broke our kiss and wrapped his arms around my trembling shoulders. I rested my head against his chest with gratitude and peace in my mind. The stress from the past two weeks was gone and once again, I felt warm, safe and confident.

“You know, my ex-girlfriend is a 24/7 slave right now.”

I opened my eyes and felt my tension resurfacing.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Shh...” He kissed my lips with a warm smile. “Don't jump to conclusions before you hear me out, boss. What she craved was much more intense than I was ready to give her. She wanted to live only to serve someone and worship him.” I must have looked horrified because Thomas wiggled his finger at me. “Don't judge. It may be unthinkable to some but that was what made her happy. It's the reason I was happy she could find someone more suitable for her. Actually, I introduced her to her Master and husband. My point, Lina...”

He kissed me again and smiled. “I don't need a slave or someone completely subservient. What I really want is a woman like you. I want the pleasure of taming someone as ambitious and driven as you, someone independent who becomes my slutty pet behind closed doors. You don't have to worry. I won't take away your right to vote, make you quit your job or deprive you of property, but I want to know you're mine. Just like I'm yours.”

“I guess I can fit that bill.” I grinned but the smile quickly died on my lips. Thomas acted in a very mature way today. He accepted his guilt and it was time for me to acknowledge my own sins. “Thomas, I'm sorry as well. I've been confusing in my behavior and led you on. It doesn't justify your outburst but I should have talked to you about my troubles. I was scared that someday you'd leave me for a twenty-something girl. When I saw you at the club with a hot blonde...”

“Ah. Well, I guess my little plan backfired, too.” He blushed and ran his fingers down my chin. “It wasn't mature of me but I wanted to see a sign that you wanted me. I hoped you’d get territorial. If it makes you feel better, Allie ripped me a new one when she found out why I invited her in the first place. She also wanted to castrate me when I told her about my anger episode. You don't have to worry about her. We've been friends for years and trust me, we will never be more than that.”

“What makes you think she doesn't have a crush on you?” I frowned and snuggled more comfortably against his chest while he caressed my hair.