Unorthodox Therapy (30 page)

She bit the inside of her lip and looked at me insecurely.

“I’ll tell you some things I haven’t shared with anyone. I’d appreciate it if you kept them to yours–”

“Lina.” I interrupted her with a cold voice. “Your trust isn't something I take lightly. Nothing you confess will ever be heard by a third party.”

She smiled nervously and whispered,

“Sorry. Trust issues. I swear sometimes my life is like a soap opera.”

“If it's really such a big deal you don’t have to.”

“No, I’m not backing down now.” Lina gulped down nearly the entire glass in one go and poured herself another. “I swear, I hate to sound like a whiny, privileged bitch but it's the truth. I grew up in a very rich, cold environment. My father was a corporate lawyer. He didn’t exactly have millionaire status but he came pretty close. My mother was pretty much his decoration, a bored, beautiful social hostess – the type who is drunk by lunchtime and fucks the gardeners and delivery boys. If I’d wanted to, I could have followed in her footsteps. We were wealthy enough that I wouldn’t have had to work at all. At least until I married someone in our circle who’d provide me with a life of luxury.”

My eyes widened in shock. It was the first time she’d ever mentioned anything about her background. I’d always suspected she came from money but I didn’t want to dwell too much on it.

“Honestly, I can’t image you in such a role. It would be a total waste of your mind.” I smiled forcefully, trying to suppress my resurfacing doubts.

“No kidding,” Lina said dryly. “I’d shoot myself in the head on the first day if I had to live like my mother did. Cigarettes would be the least of my problems. Anyway, they wanted me to be a lady. Dad was your classic womanizing pig and had some serious Madonna-whore complex. He felt he was entitled to fuck everything on two legs from his secretary to my mom’s friends.”

Lina finished her wine and poured some more. Her hands were trembling.

“But women had no such rights in his book. They were meant to be ladies. You know, classy, cold, asexual perfection, or whores who existed to pleasure him. It sounds silly when I say it out loud but they both had my whole life programmed for me. Quite ironic. They did their best to dictate my interests, make me focus my energy on more traditionally feminine subjects such as music, drawing and literature. They didn’t seem to care that math and informatics were my true passions or that software and technology fascinated me. I was sick of being treated like a well-trained monkey. Not that they had much success. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for them. My manners, stance, my interests… It sounds silly that I still remember all that bullshit.”

“It's not silly at all. I’m just amazed at how much we have in common, even if our circumstances were different. So that was why you took me under your wing?” I reached out to caress her face. She smiled weakly and pressed her cheek to my palm, no longer caring that someone could see us.

“Yes, I recognized you were just as on the edge of despair as I was back then. I'd have hated myself if I had sent you on your way.” Lina squeezed the stem of her glass. “Anyway, I was their constant disappointment. Things got even worse at high school. We fought the whole time. Once, my father hit me real hard for daring to talk back to him. It didn’t happen again but the memory is pretty fresh. And then there were the boys… I had my first boyfriend when I was fifteen but he dumped me because I didn't 'put out'. He was just another spoiled brat from my preppy school but it was still rather painful.”

“At least you were consistent with your bad taste in men.” I wasn't able to hold my sarcasm back but she ignored me.

“He said he expected me to behave like a proper girlfriend, to not deny him.” Lina shrugged and looked away. “No matter what I did, nobody was ever pleased with me. So, in the end, I decided at least I could please myself, and they could go to hell with their endless shopping list of expectations.”

“May I guess?” My fingers kept caressing her skin. Lina kept her eyes closed as she talked as if she feared she'd lose her courage.

“Knock yourself out,” she whispered in the same defiant, scared tone.

“Was that when you started smoking?”

She fluttered her eyes open to meet my gaze, completely taken by surprise.

“Yes. It was my sweet little way of saying ‘fuck you’ to their preconceptions. I also decided I’d live by my own rules. So, my math teacher helped me find a great scholarship opportunity. I graduated earlier than everyone and left for college when I was sixteen. I haven’t spoken to them since and I never asked for a cent of my father’s money.” Finally, she was back to herself and sighed with irritation. “I hate how well you know me.”

I moved my hand away from her and smiled again.

“You're not as difficult to read as you may think. Thank you for telling me. You've no idea how much it means to me. Actually, now I understand why you struggle to accept your submissive nature or let go of your habit.”

“I'm not...” Lina stopped mid-sentence and leaned back against her chair. “We talked enough about me. How about you? What made you realize your role in life was to be a big, bad, scary Dom who spanks the living shit out of naughty girls?”

She'd have to think twice if she expected me to get annoyed at her. Our conversation and my remarks had given her enough food for thought. I trusted her intelligence. She'd reach the conclusion by herself. Besides, with how open and honest Lina was at the moment, it was only fair I paid her back with the same coin.

“Porn.”

She burst out laughing.

“You got me worried for a moment with that deep talk. It's a relief you're a typical guy.”

“Well, it started with fantasies.” I picked up a French fry from my salad and twirled it between my fingers. It was strange that we'd known each other for years and yet there were still so many things to learn, so many secrets, details. Strange and wonderful. “Like you, I've always had these fantasies, which made me feel confused and ashamed. Nothing as violent as yours, though.”

“Violent is a bit of an exaggeration,” Lina protested. “I just enjoy being a little... reluctant.”

“I'm not judging you. Mine were just more... romantic.” Heat rushed to my cheeks and I knew it had nothing to do with the sun. “I fantasized about seducing a virgin girl, keeping her legs tied to the bedposts and teasing her body.”

Lina shuddered at my words and licked her lips, probably not realizing. It gave me the confidence to continue with a more seductive voice.

“Then I'd torture her with my tongue until she cried and begged me to fuck her. It was extra sweet if I imagined she was a religious girl. You know, the type who swore to save her virginity for marriage.”

“Sorry to disappoint you. If I ever get married it won’t be in a white dress.” She grinned and shook her head. “So you're a tricky, manipulative bastard even in your fantasies. Cute.”

I leaned forward to stroke her ear with my lips and whispered,

“Careful how you talk to your Sir, pet,” She rolled her eyes and I got the point across by slapping her cheek tenderly with my fingers. “And no, my fantasies progressed from corrupting virgins to seducing experienced ladies who think they have it all figured out. Do you know anyone who matches that description?” I gave her a peck on the lips and moved away from her.

“That's interesting, but it's also tame given your dungeon tastes. I expected something more scandalous.” Lina took a bite of her salad.

“At one point in my horny teenage years, I started watching porn. That was when I acquired my more... hardcore tastes.” It was so much easier to joke around than to be honest, but she had been so brave today. I didn’t even need to make her wet to extract her secrets. I owed her that much. “When I saw my first BDSM porn I was disgusted and secretly aroused. I thought there was something wrong with me for being so turned on by scenes of pain, distress and degradation. Good thing my mother wasn't technologically savvy enough to check my traffic. She'd have kicked me out on the spot.”

“That bad?” She raised her eyebrows.

“Oh, I never told you who she was, did I? She's a third wave feminist writer, on the radical, sex-negative side. We’ve got different family names so people rarely associate me with her.”

“Have I heard of her?”

Lina nearly spat her wine out when I casually mentioned my mother's name.

“That was your mom, really? I bought some of her work but I couldn't finish it. I think of myself as a feminist but her views were too much for me.” This time, it was her turn to hold my hand and stare at me with tenderness and sympathy. “Wasn't she also an anti-BDSM activist?”

“Correct,” I muttered dryly and shrugged, trying to get my best indifferent act together. “She was an anti-porn activist and a great critic of the lifestyle, even if her knowledge of it was limited to clichés and misinformation. If she knew what I liked, she’d say she didn’t raise me to become a rapist.”

“It must have been hard growing up around her, especially with your inclinations.”

“True.” I caressed her fingers and stared at her nails. “If you grow up with the notion that women are flawless goddesses, it can be hard admitting you long to tame them into submission. Even to yourself. It's ridiculous, but for a long time, I thought my perversion was like a stench and girls could sniff it.”

Lina nodded and turned her gaze to the ocean. All I could think was that any distress I might have experienced as a young adult was worth it.

“But...” She darted her eyes back to me and narrowed them. “You look pretty much at peace with yourself right, now unless this is a front.”

“I am. Being a dominant man is in no way easier than being a woman with submissive tendencies. Don’t even get me started on the kind of shit switches put up with. People will always label you no matter what you do or say. There's a constant risk that a former lover may accuse you of rape or abuse, but at the end of the day, it's who I am. If I tried to deny it, I'd just end up as a captive of my own fears. Life is short enough as it is.”

We were both silent for a while after my words, just holding hands and listening to the wind whistling its song. The warmth of our tangled fingers and the relief I felt after I got it all off my chest lulled me into a sense of oblivion.

It was so easy to believe she was mine in that moment.

What a naïve fool.

***

The rest of the afternoon went by in more relaxed way, bright sunshine followed by clouds, back and forth. Shortly after we finished our lunch, we took a long, leisurely stroll through the nearby park until the weather grew cold again. There weren't any big, intimate revelations but Lina and I were growing more comfortable in each other's company. There were no awkward pauses or attempts to fill the silence with empty chatter. We talked about everything under the sun as if we were making up for every missed opportunity for informal communication. I'd been nervous that the age gap or our different interests might prove to be an obstacle between us. Our mutual love of technology was a good starting point. Luckily, when we moved past discussing IT trends, it turned out we had more in common than I expected.

My infatuation was growing by the minute. During one of those rare moments when we were silent, I swear I could read the same emotion in her eyes. Perhaps it was wishful thinking.

I didn't know whether I'd be able to give up on Lina Riley if she insisted we were through at the end of our dark, sexual journey.

She surprised me again later when we stopped by a movie theater. The day had worked miracles on my good mood, so I decided to be benevolent and let my pet choose what we'd see. I just hoped it wouldn't be one of those four hour long art films filled with more pretense than meaning. Lina, being the minx she was, had something totally different in mind.

“Really?” I raised my eyebrow as she pointed at the latest superhero movie poster. “Are you sure?”

She turned to me with a mischievous expression. Her bratty nature was refreshing, but I’d have to work harder on building my authority in her eyes.

“I haven't done it for ages.” Lina put her hands deep into her pockets and moved closer to me. “Sometimes when I was bored or going crazy with too much studying, I loved crashing on a movie like that.”

“Crashing?”

“Yes, pissing the fanboys off by throwing catty, snappy remarks about the plot, production design, acting. Basically ruining the experience for them.”

I ran my hands down her hips and pulled her closer with my most stern expression. It was really hard to be firm when I could hardly contain my laughter.

“That isn't nice of you, pet.” I whispered the name low enough so only she could hear it. “It's actually very mean of you. What a bad girl.”

“If I go over the top, we could always go back to your place so you can spank me.” She fluttered her eyelashes at me.

“You still want to be punished after all I’ve put you through the past week?” I dug my nails into her denim-clad buttocks.

“It may be good for my discipline... and the therapy.”

She was going to be the death of me.

I wrapped my fingers around a lock of her hair and pulled it back, as much as it was possible in a public place without attracting attention.

“Technically speaking, Lina, what you’re doing now is topping from the bottom, but you're lucky I enjoy spanking you so much. Don't think I will indulge you every time you feel like being roughed up. Good girls get rewards if they ask nicely.”