Unhinge Me (17 page)

Caleb took her chin in his hand and lifted her head up to meet his eyes.

“Stop apologizing for feeling, Alexandria. You’re allowed to feel things,” he said matter-of-factly.

Alex smiled a little and then stopped. Guilt, a familiar friend, still pulled at her heart.

“I just needed some time to think. That’s why I didn’t answer your calls. I knew if I heard your voice, I wouldn’t be able to hold it together,” she confessed. “I think seeing Graham just reminded me that you have a life other than the one you have here with me.” Taking a deep breath, she finished. “One you will eventually want to go back to…” She tried to smile, to pretend the words didn’t hold as much weight as they did, but she couldn’t do it. Feeling vulnerable, she lied, “Which is totally okay! It’s just-”

Caleb cut her off. “I’m never going to leave you, Alex.”

He said it so simply. So quickly. The words just shot out of his mouth so easily. They took her off guard.

“Well, yeah, I know you don’t plan to but-”

“But nothing!” he cut her off again, starting to get a little angry.

Alex looked away. She tried to explain to him what she had spent all week trying to figure out how to say. “Look, you say that now, but I’m just trying to be realistic. I mean, you’re an Earl!” she reminded him. “It’s okay, really! I’ve been thinking about it and I realized I am okay with your leaving eventually. I just want to take advantage of the time we have together.” She smiled weakly at him, hoping he would believe her, even if she didn’t believe it all the way herself. But instead of smiling, his eyes got almost black and his face turned a shade of purple.

“What?” she asked innocently, starting to feel nervous.

Instead of answering, he grabbed her hand and practically dragged her out of the pub. Alex had to run to keep up. Once outside, Caleb turned to her and fumed.

“What the hell do you mean, ‘
I’m going to leave you eventually’
?” he demanded.

Alex backed up.

“I’m not trying to insult you, Caleb,” she said softly. “But-”

“But what?” he interrupted.

“I was just trying to make things easier for you,” she said, frustrated.

Caleb could see his doe was about to run, but he was too upset to stop and think about his words.

“So first you insult me and tell me I am just going to leave you, like all this,” he held out his hands, “means nothing!” His eyes grew cold. “Then you tell me that you’re okay with it because, apparently, none of it means anything to you.”

“Wait, what?” Alex’s eyes grew wide and emotion and fear gripped her. Nothing in the world, she realized, scared her more than Caleb not understanding what he meant to her. If he thought he didn’t mean anything to her, that would be worse than him actually leaving. She tried to backtrack, to think. Panic clouded her thoughts.

She took his hands in hers and searched his eyes, pleading. “Please, don’t ever think that I don’t care.” The words caught in her throat and she bit her lip as tears fell unchecked from her eyes. “I
do
care!” she tried to convince him. “I am just trying to find a way to not die when it’s time for you to go.”

“Why do you assume I am the kind of person who would leave you after everything we’ve had together? It’s so shallow. I thought you knew me better than that,” he finished sadly.

Now Alex felt like the biggest piece of crap on earth. She tried to explain it better. “I don’t assume anything like that of
you,
Caleb. It’s not about you. I guess I just assume everyone is going to leave me eventually.” It sounded so lame, even to her. But Caleb understood finally. This wasn’t about him, like she said, it was about her and her insecurities.

He took her head into his hands so he could look straight into her eyes. As he held her there, she was so caught in his gaze she felt like the rest of the world slipped away.

“I’m not just saying I won’t leave because of how I feel right
now
,” he tried to make her realize. “I’m all in. It’s all you now, Alex, forever. I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to, and even then it may be harder than you think to get rid of me. I couldn’t leave you now if I tried. Just being away from you this week was too much for me.”

Alex blushed. “Me too,” she admitted.

“Good, because I don’t want to do it ever again. Whatever happens, we do it together, promise?”

Alex nodded, feeling overwhelmed by his words. Would she ever understand what he saw in her?

She winced a little.

“But why me?” she couldn’t help ask.

“Dammit Alexandria, because I
love
you! Don’t you see that?” he practically shouted, incredulous.

His confession caught her completely off guard. Eyes wide, she stood there dumbfounded. Heat filled her cheeks as she tried a few times to speak, but all she could do was open and then shut her mouth over and over again like a goldfish.

She couldn’t believe it. She knew she was possibly falling for Caleb, but it never occurred to her that he could fall for her. His words took all doubts away and made things feel so simple and uncomplicated. She wanted so much to be able to say it back. She hated herself for it, but she just couldn’t get the words out. She was still so scared to love him.

Caleb calmed and smiled understandingly.

“Don’t you see that you running into me that day was the best thing that ever happened to me! You changed me. You make me better! I love everything about you, Alex. I love how many layers you have. I love how much you care about everyone around you and how selfless you are. I love how you smell like lilacs, even when you’re standing in the rain. I love how you find humor in everything. I love your random questions and stubborn antics. I love the curves of your body and the way you suck in your breath every time I touch them. I love the way you look when you first wake up, and when you’re sopping wet. No matter what responsibilities I have back home, all I can see is you here in front of me. Nothing else matters unless I have you by my side.”

Alex was speechless as tears formed in her eyes. Overwhelmed, she tried to brush them away.

Caleb gathered her into his arms. “It’s alright. You don’t have to say it back. In fact, I don’t want you to. I hate when people say it back just because the other person says it first. Wait for your moment.”

Alex nodded, still in shock. She wasn’t even ready to admit to herself yet that she might love him and here he was declaring his love for her. God, she felt like an ass.

Not able to respond to him with words, she leaned in to give him a long, firm kiss. She tried as hard as she could to make the kiss say the things that she could not.

“Puh-lease!” came a loud voice from inside the pub. Alex took Caleb’s hands.

“We better get back in there. That sounded like Rachael.” She lead him back in.

“It most certainty
is
real football!” Rachael was saying, irritated.

“It is
not
! Football is the real football. Just ask, oh I don’t know, the rest of the
world
! You’re the only ones who made up a new game and couldn’t be creative enough to come up with an original name. Then, you decide you still like our version, but you’re going to call it soccer instead.
Soccer
! What the bloody hell kind of name is that anyway?” Graham answered, equally irritated.

“It’s the name you use for a stupid sport with those high socks you wear,” she answered back snidely.

“It’s better than all those damn pads you American’s need to wear. We play like men! We don’t need protection.”

Rachael’s father and brothers were big football fans. She felt like she had to fight this one for them.

“At least they score! All you do is run back and forth kicking a ball. So boring!” she rolled her eyes.

“We score too! Besides, I’d rather run back and forth than stick my hands under my mates bum all the time! I mean, whose idea was
that
?” Graham laughed.

Rachael made a face at him.

Alex and Caleb got to the table just in time for Alex to cut in before things got any uglier.

“How about we go to the bathroom!” she offered Rachael.

The men made a comment about women needing each other to pee and, as the girls walked away, Rachael turned back to give Graham another look.

“Do
not
look at my butt as I walk away!” she warned.

Graham looked offended.

“Now why the hell would I want to do that?” he said innocently.

“Hmph,” she grunted and rolled her eyes. As she turned, Graham went back to carefully studying her butt.

Caleb laughed and shook his head.

“Like what you see?” he asked, knowing the answer.

“I guess,” Graham answered as he stared.

“Bollocks!” Caleb laughed. “You haven’t taken your eyes off her since she walked in!”

“Yeah, but she’s a bit of a cow, isn’t she.” He finally looked back at Caleb now that the object of his stare was in the bathroom.

“No, not that I see. Reminds me a bit of you, actually,” Caleb chuckled.

Graham groaned.

“Everything better with you and Alex?” he asked, changing the subject.

“I think so, yeah. She’s just… easily spooked,” he replied, deep in thought. A slow smile formed. “She loves me. She just isn’t ready to admit it yet.”

“Ugh, women. They’re so dramatic. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around anyway? The man is supposed to be the one afraid of commitment,” Graham retorted.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about this time, mate. She is different, and she has good reason to pause,” he countered, a little sterner than he’d intended.

Graham knew when to back off and did so, opting to complain about how annoying Rachael was instead.

When the girls returned from the bathroom, Graham was at the bar getting more drinks. Rachael, begrudgingly, decided to help. Having Alex to himself, Caleb pulled out a medium sized, beautifully wrapped box and gave it to her.

“Now that all that is over with, can I give you something?” he asked.

“What’s this?” she inquired.

“Well, you never gave me time to get you anything for your birthday, so it’s late. But I really wanted to get you something. I had to express mail it, but it arrived today.” He smiled shyly. “Open it.”

“You really shouldn’t have, Caleb,” Alex tried to say, but Caleb brushed her off and pushed the box closer to her.

She carefully opened the pretty purple wrapping paper and opened the box inside. Alex pushed aside the tissue paper, revealing a small, old looking book. Without even opening it, she jumped up and threw her arms around Caleb.

“A Walt Whitman collection!” she exclaimed excitedly.

“First addition,” he added, beaming. It wasn’t an easy find, but it was totally worth it to see the look on her face.

Alex shook her head, astounded. “I don’t know what to say.” She sighed and wiped a small tear from her eye. The gift meant more to her than he would ever know.

“Look inside,” he coaxed.

She opened the old book and found a little strip of paper bookmarking one of the poems. She turned to it and read it aloud, smiling before she even started because she knew it well.

A woman waits for me, she contains all, nothing is lacking, yet all were lacking if sex were lacking, or if the moisture of the right man were lacking
.

Sex contains all, bodies, souls, Meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations, Songs, commands, health, pride, the maternal mystery, the seminal milk, All hopes, benefactions, bestowals, all the passions, loves, beauties, delights of the earth, All the governments, judges, gods, follow’d persons of the earth, These are contain’d in sex as parts of itself and justifications of itself.

Without shame the man I like knows and avows the deliciousness of his sex, Without shame the woman I like knows and avows hers
.

Alex blushed and looked around the room. She distinctively remembered the poem was not that hot the last time she’d read it. This time, however, it made her want to take Caleb into the bathroom with her and do dirty things to him. Her look told him so.

For a moment, he looked like he was considering it, but Graham and Rachael returned with their drinks and some more British chips from Joe.

Caleb gave her a wink as they all dug into the food.

“Not as good as Josie’s, but still yummy!” Alex remarked. “Where is Josie tonight anyway?” she asked Caleb. She and Josie were really getting close and she was looking forward to introducing her to Rachael.

“Under the weather, apparently,” he answered. “Must be pretty serious, too, because she is never not here.”

Alex frowned. “I hope she’s okay…”

The four of them spent the rest of the night talking and joking. Rachael spent most of it rolling her eyes or bickering with Graham. Caleb took Alex’s hand under the table and squeezed. Alex leaned in closer to him and snuggled against him as they laughed at their companions’ banter.

“You do realize that poem is totally about a guy who sleeps with multiple women.” Alex side glanced and grinned at Caleb.

“Just the second part, really,” he insisted. “Plus, I wouldn’t know about any of that anyway. I’m a one woman man.” He put his hand on his heart to swear.

Alex just laughed.

When they went to leave at closing time, Alex pulled Joe aside to hug him and thank him for the food. She knew how much he hated cooking.

“You alright, Alex?” Joe asked, making his big voice as quiet as possible. “You seemed a bit off when you came in.”

Alex appreciated her friend’s concern. “Much better now, thanks Joe.” She grinned, then added, “I hope Josie feels better.”

Joe got a little more serious. “Me too, lass, me too.”

“Well, if there is anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to call me!” she made him promise.

Out in the parking lot, Rachael and Graham were debating the football thing again. Alex didn’t hear all of it, but heard Rachael say something about scrawny soccer players.

Graham, pretty irritated at that point, and more than a little tipsy, finally said, “Look honey, judging by the way you look,” -he looked her up and down- “and dress, you’ve never played a sport in your life. So why don’t you just stop talking and let the men do the thinking on the subject, eh?”