Understudy (23 page)

I stopped. Lily peeked up at me. Her lips trembled slightly and she looked like she was about to cry.

Eric took a step closer. With shoulders hunched forward and hands shoved deep inside his pockets, he looked broken. "I love you and it hurts that you pretend that you don't feel the same way because of my brother."

"Don't drag him into this. You're not Adam and−"

"Yes, I'm not him and that makes me angry! It makes me angry that the accident happened because of me and now he's dead! It makes me angry that I have to compete with my dead brother for the girl I love."

I felt Lily's hand tighten around mine as she moved closer to my side. She shouldn't have heard all of that.

"Just leave, Eric," I said. Then turning to Lily, I said, "Let's go. Your dad might have returned, and we don't want him to freak out when he finds the truck empty."

Lily nodded. We turned towards the road and started walking. My legs were shaking. I was still reeling from his words.

It makes me angry that I have to compete with my dead brother for the girl I love.

I couldn't shake it out of my head; his voice rang in my ears and it was all I could hear. I didn't notice Lily had let go of my hand until I heard the sound of a speeding vehicle.

When I looked around, the first thing I saw was one of her ragdolls lying on the ground, and Eric crouching down to pick it up.

There was a loud screeching sound and I was instantly transported back to Adam's car, just a few seconds before impact. My body went cold and everything seemed to slow down. I felt like a spectator, watching everything from another person's perspective. Like I wasn't really there. It wasn't until I looked into Eric eyes that I remembered how to move again.

There was no time to think. I acted on impulse and ran forward to grab Lily by the waist, lifting her up and spinning her away from the oncoming truck as I screamed Eric's name.

***

The last time I was in an emergency room, I was unconscious.

I was probably lying on a gurney, bloody and broken as a team of doctors and nurses tended to me, while another team tried to save Adam.

I never really thought about it, since the only thing that came into my mind whenever I look back to the accident was the moment I learned about Adam's death. Now, as a nurse led me to the waiting area, all I could think of was Eric, and how I felt like the doctors were not doing their best, which was absurd considering that I knew nothing about what they do except for the universal fact that they heal people. That they save lives. But they failed to save Adam's. What if they failed with Eric as well?

"Is he going to be alright?" Lily asked, and that's when I remembered that she was there, clutching her dolls like a security blanket. Her skin looked pale though she did not seem hurt.

I realized that her dad might be panicking right now, and I immediately fished out my mobile phone to call him.

"Eric saved Emily," Lily said. Her voice was weak and I saw something in her eyes that felt very familiar. It was guilt. "Do you think the doctors can save him too?"

I imagined Lily growing up, and thought about how this might affect her for life depending on the outcome of Eric's injuries. Or if he'd even survive them. I didn't want her to blame herself. I wanted to preserve her innocence as much as possible.

I'm not an optimist, I'm more of a glass half empty person, but at that moment, Lily needed me to become her light amidst the darkness.

"They will, Lily. I know they will." I held her hand tightly in mine, wanting so much to believe in my own words.

Chapter Twenty−Nine

Eric

Everything hurt, but what really struck me was the familiarity of it all. I had a hard time separating the past from the present.

I was coming in and out of consciousness, and the only thing that remained constant was the pain.

I was aware that I was being wheeled into the hospital. Faces stared down at me as the lights blurred above their heads.

"Stay with me, Eric. You're going to be fine," someone said. Her voice was firm and reassuring, and I remembered the first time I was told those same words. I did not end up fine after that.

Finally, we stopped moving and the smell of antiseptic filled my nostrils, bringing on a wave of nausea that did nothing to dull the pain.

When I opened my eyes again, a face was looking back at me. I assumed her to be the same doctor who spoke to me earlier. "We're going to do everything we can, Eric," she said. She was wearing a face mask so all I could see were her eyes, but even then, I thought she looked awfully young to be my doctor. I wanted to ask her age, as if knowing would help me with my current situation. But my eyelids started to feel heavy and the pain was slowly ebbing away, finally. Everything around me seemed to disappear and I never got to ask her age.

***

I was standing in the middle of the street facing our old house back in Ohio. It was autumn, and everything glowed in orange. It was my favorite time of the year.

A young boy came rushing down from our front porch. He was sporting a buzz cut that made him look like he was joining the army, and I gasped in surprise when he stopped by in front of me. It was Adam, back when we were eight. We were standing eye to eye, and that's when I realized that I was inside my eight year old body. I was a boy again.

"Let's race to the city fountain with these!" he exclaimed, holding a pair of roller skates which I recognized as mine. I looked down to see he was wearing his.

I surveyed our surroundings; there was no one around, but I felt like we weren't really alone and that something was about to happen.

"Come on, Eric! Don't be such a wuss!" Adam was showing off on his skates and I couldn't help but smile. It had been a long time since we had fun, and seeing him as a boy again brought back a flood of sweet memories that made my eyes water. But the feeling did not last long.

The memory came crashing down like plane crash, sudden and terrifying. I finally remembered where I was and what was about to happen.

In a blink of an eye, Adam was on the ground, his knee bleeding from a huge gash. His face was contorted in pain, but it was the speeding van behind him that made my heart race..

"Get out of the road!" I screamed. But he didn't seem to have heard me. He was staring at his wound, crying, unaware of his surroundings.

The van was getting closer and I was torn between two choices. To go through it all over again, or change my destiny. But, the decision had been made a long time ago. There was never an option of doing otherwise.

I ran towards him, just like the first time. Adam screamed, a piercing sound slicing through the silence. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain. It didn't come.

My heart was still hammering in my ears when I reopened my eyes. Adam was gone, so was the van and everything else. I was lying on the ground surrounded by trees. It took me a moment to realize that I was in the woods. I turned around and saw a lake in front of me. It was the same lake Kat had visited when I followed her the day after Christmas. The day I saw her talking to the air, to Adam. I remembered watching her and thinking how lucky my brother was to have someone love him like that. And I also wanted to hold Kat in my arms and turn her tears into a smile. But I only stood there, watching. It seemed rude to intrude on a moment like that. She looked so vulnerable, but I knew it wasn't my arms she was yearning for.

"That never gets old."

I turned around to see Adam walking towards me. He was wearing a blue shirt and he looked about the same age as I was.

I should have been surprised, but seeing him felt normal. It was like he never disappeared at all. "What never gets old?"

"Watching you pull me out of the way to save me."

"Yeah, you pretty much ruined my life," I said.

Adam smiled, showing the dimple he got from Mom. He stopped beside me and offered his arm. "Need a hand?"

"I need a leg," I said, but I took his hand anyway and he helped me up to my feet. I was surprised by how easy it was, and it suddenly occurred to me that I was standing on my two feet.

"Where's my leg?" I asked.

"You have both," Adam said, still smiling.

"You know what I mean." I bent down and rolled the pants up on my right leg. What I saw almost made me cry.

It was my leg. The real one, made of bone, flesh and skin. I was overwhelmed beyond belief. After living the last ten years of my life wearing a prosthetic leg, I had forgotten what it felt like to have both limbs. But the celebration was short lived when I realized what it meant. "Am I dead?"

Adam crossed his arms, an amused expression flashing on his face. "What do you think?"

I stood up and examined my body. I never felt this whole. "I don't feel dead."

"Then you're not dead."

"But why are you here?"

He shrugged. Then after a few seconds, he said, "I heard you were great as Tiny Tim."

"I'm always great at what I do," I said. "I can beat your ass any time in just about anything, brother."

I waited for him to argue, but then, Adam wasn't the one to argue about things. He was the pacifist.

We were both silent for awhile, and I followed his gaze towards the lake, where the surface glistened under the sun. I was once again reminded of Kat, and I wondered if she had found this place on her own.

"So, about Kat..." I heard myself say.

Adam shook his head, smiling as he did. "It's about time. I've been waiting for you to mention her."

"I'm sorry, but I think I'm already in love with your girl." I wanted it come out as a joke, but what I felt about Kat was never a joke. It was real.

"Yeah, that kinda sucks," Adam said. "I never imagined that could happen. Never in my wildest dreams. I was more hoping you'd like Sara instead."

"Are you fucking mental?"

"She's nice. At least to me. Guess you should give her more time."

"I don't think that's ever going to happen."

"Why not?" His question felt like a sharp poke in my gut.

"Kat is right. I should just leave her alone."

Adam turned to face me, his eyebrows furrowing. "And you're going to walk away just like that?" he asked, then without missing a beat, he shoved me on my chest with his elbow. It hurt a little. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I can't compete with you," I said, taking a step back.

“Who said anything about competing? We’re no longer kids, Eric.”

I didn’t answer, I suddenly felt ashamed. He was right, but I felt like no matter what I do, Kat would only be reminded of Adam. That I’d be living under his shadow. "She still loves you,” I said. “She still loves you and we both know it.”

Adam sighed. "And she'll move on. I will be nothing but a memory to her, and that's where you come along."

"As what? As your replacement? Your understudy?" I ran my hand across my face. I wanted to scream. "I don't want that. I want her to love me as I am."

"And she does. She already does."

I looked at him this time. "How do you know?"

"Because I felt it," he said, avoiding my gaze. "She's just not sure." There was something sad in the way he said it. And though he tried to hide it, I knew it hurt. “Just give her time.”

"I know this is embarrassing, but I kinda missed talking to you like this," I said, trying to lighten things up. "It's way better than you lecturing me about−"

"Please don't give up on her just yet," he said, cutting me off. "I know it's not easy. But there's no other person I'd rather be with her than you. At least I know she'd be in good hands."

"You think so highly of me. You're making me blush."

"Why not? You saved my life."

"No, stop it!" I hated it when he said that. I’d made him swear never to mention it to anyone. I didn't feel like a hero. I did what I did because he was my brother.

"Oh, my dear brother," Adam said, "You should be proud of it. I am proud of you."

"I killed you with that phone call," I said.

"It was an accident, for crying out loud!" Adam said, almost screaming. "See, this is why Kat is better off with you. Both of you won't stop blaming yourselves for the accident!"

That was a surprise. "She does?"

"Yes. All the time."

"But I thought she blamed me."

"That's the thing. I don't really think she does."

I couldn't believe it. I never would've thought that she blamed herself for the accident. I thought she was just upset.

"You can't just leave her. Especially now. She needs you." I felt Adam's hand on my shoulder. He was right. She needed me.

"Look, I owe you my life," Adam said. "I should've been dead ten years ago, but you risked your life for me. And if it makes you feel better, I blamed myself for it. I know you don't say it out loud, but I feel responsible for everything that happened to you afterwards.

"You were always the outgoing one. You're the explorer, the optimist. And I watched it all disappear as they fitted your prosthetic leg. You were never really the black sheep of the family, and even if you were, it was all because of me."

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. So I hugged him instead. The last time we had our arms around each other was during second grade, when Mom and Dad used to argue at night. They thought we couldn't hear them, but we did. And we were worried that they'd get a divorce. That they might go their separate ways and we'd be forced to get separated as well. Just like in Parent Trap.

So every time our parents argued at night, Adam and I would go to a corner and wrap our arms around each other. We agreed that we wouldn't care if they left us, as long as we had each other.

And as I hugged him now, I was that boy again, who believed that no matter what happened, I'd always have a brother watching my back. And seeing him now meant that our bond couldn't be broken even by death itself.

"You should go back now," he said as we pulled away. "Don't give up on her."

"I won't." I nodded.

Adam looked at me one last time and  started walking away. In the blink of an eye, he was gone.