Understudy (18 page)

I stood up and discreetly placed a hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing aloud. Lily didn't find it amusing though. "Kat is different from your sister," she said.

"Yeah," Eric said. Then looking at me he added, "In fact she's different from any other girl her age."

"Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?"

Eric cocked his head. "Why yes. And I seldom compliment other people. Now let's play!"

***

Eric was right. It was fun, and I was able to earn Jackson's respect as we teamed up against Lily and Eric. Lily couldn't hide her admiration every time her partner would flex his arms to throw. She would giggle and jump up and down like a groupie. I couldn't blame her, though. Eric was good looking. I knew because my boyfriend looked a lot like him. But having spent some time with him this past few weeks had helped me tell them apart, too.

Eric had longer and lighter brown hair, which I thought was a result from staying outdoors  since his skin was a shade darker than Adam's. Adam's idea of outdoor fun was having a picnic in the woods and getting rained on. He was more of a homebody, preferring baking than sports. Except for the occasional basketball game when he felt like it. And, Eric didn't have a dimple when he smiled.

I was trying to come up with more differences when the Frisbee whizzed past my face, snapping me back on my feet.

"You didn't catch it!" Jackson exclaimed.

"I'm sorry," I said, picking up the disc.

"This is why I don't wanna play with girls!" he said, his face crumpling like he was about to cry.

I looked at Eric for help, but he only shrugged in response.

"Hey, I was just getting warmed up. Here, let me throw again."

Jackson glared at me for a moment, his expression untrusting. But in the end, he nodded.

"Something wrong?" Eric called out.

"Just had some issues," I said.

Eric snorted, spreading his feet as he held up his hands. "Come on, give me your best shot!"

I took a deep breath and snapped my wrist, bracing for the throw. I was aware of Jackson still glaring at me, and I wondered how I ended up trying to impress Amanda's younger brother. But I had to admit, this was great.

I threw the disc, watching as it flew across the open space across the park. Eric raised his arms, only to put them down once he realized that the Frisbee wasn't going in the direction he had expected. I allowed myself to smile.

Eric started running, and Lily followed after him, her short legs barely keeping up with his long strides. Jackson's face broke into a smile.

"Yeah! That's awesome!" he said, holding up his hand for a high five which I gladly gave him.

Then as I looked back to see if Eric had caught the disc, I let out a gasp as I watched him trip over a rock and fall flat on his back.

Panic hit me as he thudded on the ground, and I immediately ran to his side. He was sprawled on the ground with the Frisbee lying just a few inches from his head. I bent down to see if there was blood. I thought I’d heard something breaking. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just... Just knocked the... air from...my lungs," he said in between breaths.

I grabbed his hand to help him stand but he lay unmoving. "No, I'm good. Guess I'll just stay here for a while."

"You broke your back or something?"

He rolled his eyes. "What am I, sixty?" He pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Come, take a breather. You're white as a ghost. I'm fine."

I sat down beside him, all the while still holding his hand, which felt rough. I immediately let go on the pretext of fixing my hair. That's another difference between them, I thought. Adam had smooth hands.

Lily and Jackson came over to us, both panting.

"Let's play again," Jackson said.

"Yeah, this time I'm teaming up with Kat!" Lily said."

Jackson put his hands on his hips, but before he could object, Eric waved him off. "Nah, I'm out. The three of you can go on without me."

"Actually, I'm tired as well," I said.

Jackson and Lily exchanged glances, but they shrugged and ran off, leaving us adults on the ground.

"That was a great throw," Eric said, rubbing his hands together.

"Well, I'm not like any other girls my age."

He smiled with a corner of his mouth. "No, definitely not." Then without skipping a beat, he asked. "So, what's your plan for college?"

It took me a long time to answer. I didn't expect him to ask that. "There's the community college."

"Seriously? Don't you want to look into some art schools outside the state?"

"Well, my life is here," I said, knowing how lame it sounded. But he didn't say anything. He just looked at me expectantly, like there was more to the story, which was true, only I couldn't tell him.

"So basically, you don't want to leave this town."

"It's not exactly like that," I said. "It's just that there's so much in here that I couldn't just leave behind."

"Too many memories?" Eric asked, though it didn't really sound like a question. When I didn't answer, he continued, "Isn't that the very reason why you should leave? To start a new life? To move on?" He was serious now. He was looking at me the way Adam did whenever I opened up to him. I had to look away to avoid looking at his eyes.

"It's more complicated than that," I said.

"Then tell me."

Sara was right, Adam would've wanted me to go to New York, but I couldn't leave him. It wasn't right. Not when I knew he was there in the woods waiting for me. I wasn't only afraid of losing him, but I had this fear that I might forget him if I left. And that's one thing I  swore I would never allow to happen. I was willing to spend the rest of my life living in guilt if I had to. I didn't expect anyone to understand, not even Eric.

"You shouldn't beat yourself up," Eric said. "I know how you feel. It sucks, but you can't go around living like that. You have to pull yourself out of that suckiness and make something out of it.  "

"Is that what you do if you're not being mean to people?" I asked. "Act as a shrink?"

"I'm even better than my own shrink," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's all about telling the patients what they need to hear. Anyone can do that."

"Then tell me what I need to hear."

Eric inched closer, and I couldn't help but notice the tight muscles under his shirt. The wind was cold, yet my body felt hot. I wasn't sure if it was only because of the Frisbee throwing and running I did.

"You need to ease up," he said. His voice was soft like a lullaby, soothing and calming, but my heart started to beat erratically, pounding hard like a girl wanting to escape imprisonment. Wanting to be free.

"You need to let go." He was closer now. I could almost feel his skin against my fingertips, brushing his jaw, down to his neck and god knows where. And the way he looked at me, like he knew exactly what I was thinking. Everything had changed since the cemetery incident. From that day on, it felt like something had bonded us, an invisible connection that made me feel like I wasn't alone.

I felt myself slipping away, slowly letting go. It would be easy. I had done this a thousand times, and I knew how it felt, and it was exactly that feeling that made me pull back. I couldn't do this with him.

"I have to go," I said, pushing myself up. "I have to be somewhere."

Eric remained on the ground, looking at the spot where I sat just a few seconds ago. "I'm sorry," he said.

"You need a hand?" I asked, offering to help him stand.

"No. I'll just stay here for awhile. Someone needs to look after them." He gestured to Jackson and Lily, still playing Frisbee, seemingly oblivious to their surroundings. "Guess I'll see you on Monday then?"

"Yeah," I said. "See you on Monday."

***

I crashed into Adam's body like a canon ball and we fell to the ground with our limbs tangled together.

"Woah, easy there tiger. What's up?" he asked, rolling over as he propped himself up on his elbows.

"I just want to see you," I said, still panting from running.

"Well I can see that." He brushed some stray strands of hair from my face and tucked them behind my ears, his fingers lingering there for a moment. "Is there something else you want to tell me?"

I considered telling him about the impromptu Frisbee game, leaving out the one on one with Eric. But I felt like I was cheating on him.

"I just really really want to see you right now," I said, which was true.

Adam smiled and he leaned down to kiss me. I expected my heart to race, my breathing to hitch and my mind to go blank. But none of these happened. It was just a kiss. Nothing magical and almost easily forgettable.

I suddenly felt like a fish out of water as panic slowly filled up my chest.
You want this,
I thought to myself.
You want Adam. You love Adam.
And I did. It was never in question. But at that moment, I wasn't sure of anything.

Adam pulled away, searching my face, and for a second, I was convinced that he read my mind. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded. A reflex reaction. "Yeah. I'm just  happy."

He considered this for a moment. Then he closed his eyes and raised his head towards the sky. "That great then. I want you to be happy even when I'm not around."

"What's that supposed to mean? Are you leaving?" My lower lip began to tremble and this time, my heart started to race.

"No, I just−"

"You can't just leave me again!" I knew I was being selfish. If anything, I was the one who was always leaving him alone in the woods, but it wasn't as if I could ask him to follow me around. I knew he would if he could.

Adam grabbed my hand and linked our fingers together. "Slow down, nobody said anything about leaving. I was just being hypothetical."

"Then stop being hypothetical. I don't like it."

"I'm not God, Kat. There are a lot of things we don't understand, especially this." He placed our interlinked hand on his chest, letting me feel his beating heart. "I'm just being realistic."

"Stop it."

"Kat−"

"I don't want to live in a hypothetical world without you." He knew how much I hated having this conversation, and I didn't want to get mad at him right now. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Like what?" he asked, giving me a sidelong glance.

We stared at the lake for awhile, then out of nowhere, I said, “I want to have a haircut.”

“Oh, okay,” Adam said, uninterested.

“I mean, a really short haircut, like a pixie cut.”

This finally caught his attention. “What? Why? What’s wrong with your hair?”

“Nothing, it’s just that, it’s already long. And I want to try something new.”

“But I love your long hair,” Adam said, stroking my hair.

“Yes, but it will grow back. In time.”

“In time.”

“Yes, in time.”

Adam sighed. He sounded tired. I wondered if he was angry. Getting my haircut hadn’t been an issue before, but then, I’d never tried a pixie cut.

“Well, it’s just a thought,” I said.

“No, if it makes you happy.“

“Stop it.”

“No, I mean seriously. You’re right, it’s just hair, and if cutting it that short makes you happy−“

“Stop saying that! Stop saying
whatever makes you happy
if you don’t really mean it. Spare me your bullshit, Adam!”

“But I meant it,” he said, and as much as I hated him for it, I knew he was telling the truth. “I want you to be happy and I meant it.”

Chapter Twenty−Two

Seeing Sara in front of her locker the following Monday made me feel better. I knew I wasn't completely forgiven, because I wasn't able to make it up to her during the weekend. But she was the only constant in my life that I knew would understand the crazy workings of my mind.

I hugged her from behind, resting my chin over her shoulder in a way BFF's do when they're trying to be extra nice.

"How was your weekend?" I asked. 

"It was okay," she said, grabbing stuff from her messy locker without stopping to acknowledge my presence.

"I sent you some text messages on Friday night," I said, releasing her as I leaned on my own locker.

"Yeah."

"And you didn't respond."

She finally faced me then, her eyes half-closed like I bored the hell out of her. "It sucks, right?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

She considered this for a moment, puckering her lips. I would've called her a fish right then, but I reminded myself that I needed to be in her good graces if I wanted to be forgiven. So I kept my mouth shut and made my best impersonation of Lily's puppy eyes.

Sara rolled her eyes. "Oh god, stop it. It's okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay as in fine! Now give mama a hug!"

I launched myself at her and she caught me with open arms.

"How about you girls giving daddy some sugar?" Drake said from behind Sara, making us push each other apart.

"Yeah? How about giving you a sweet kick in your ass?" I said. I was such in a good mood that I didn't mind sparring with him. Sara ignored him altogether.

"Oh, feisty. I can see why you guys are best friends," he said, giving Sara a knowing look, which she returned with a shrug. "By the way, what do you girls think of throwing up a party after the play?"

"Did someone say party?" This time it was Eric. But it wasn't his sudden interruption that surprised me, it was his shirt. He was wearing white. It was the first time I hadn’t seen him in black.

Sara didn't notice though. She was immediately pissed upon seeing his face.  "Yes someone did, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're invited."

Eric chuckled. "Good morning to you too."

"Anyhow, I'm thinking of throwing a party after the play," Drake said, ignoring the interruptions.  "But I'm not really sure if my parents would let me to do it at home. Any suggestions?"

"Do you really have to throw a party afterwards? It's just a play. Everyone thinks it's stupid," Eric said. It just occurred to me that Drake had no trouble talking to him. They even looked like friends.