Under Alaskan Skies (16 page)

“No brothers or sisters?” she asked.

He shook his head. “I’d never raise an only child.”

“It can be very lonely,” she said. With a doting father, she’d often wished for someone to share her father’s love. Sometimes it was too intense, one parent, one child. “I don’t suppose your father has any idea you have any doubts?”

“Oh, no. It would break his heart if he thought I was even considering not taking over for him, which I’m not. Just as it would have your father’s. There’s no need to alarm him. I wouldn’t seriously consider changing my mind any more than you’d consider doing something different.”

“Have you talked to your parents on the ship lately?”

“No, I have to do that. I know they won’t believe me, but I’ve been too busy fishing.”

She looked pointedly at his empty cooler and smiled.

There was a distant rumble in the air. Her smile faded.

“What was that, thunder?” he asked.

“Sounded like it. We don’t get many storms up here, mostly just steady rain or overcast. Let’s go. I wouldn’t want to get caught…” She trailed off. No need to let him see how scared she was of thunder and lightning. It would make her seem like a wimp. She scanned the skies. No need to get scared, especially if it never came this way. But just in case…

“Come on, boys,” she called across the pond. “Time to go home.”

The boys carried her picnic basket between them, laughing as if they didn’t have a care in the world as they charged down the path ahead of Matt and Carrie. They loaded the truck, and Carrie and Matt dropped the boys off at Bradley’s. Then they went in to see how Donny was getting along. The living room was full of small kids watching a cartoon on TV, and Donny’s room was full of his friends who were doing their best to entertain him with news and gossip. He looked tired, and Matt chased them out.

Carrie waited in the living room making conversation with the family while she waited for Matt to do a brief examination.

“It’s a blessing for us to have the doctor around for all this time,” Donny’s mother told Carrie over the loud noise from the television set. “He’s given us more of his time than he should. And he’s refused to take any payment for it. I suspect he needs to get back and get busy taking care of his own patients, don’t you think?”

“Yes, but he says it’s been a kind of vacation from his real work,” Carrie explained. She didn’t want Tillie to feel guilty about interrupting Matt’s schedule or livelihood.

“I’m afraid he’s not going to get out anytime soon,” Tillie said. “I hear there’s a storm coming in. A big one, this time.”

“I thought I heard some thunder a while ago,” Carrie said with a frown.

“Good you got your sight-seeing in yesterday. You don’t want to be out on the water with thunder and lightning in the air.”

“No,” Carrie said. She didn’t want to be anywhere except hiding under the covers with thunder and lightning in the air. That was only one of her worries. The other was rumors. Of course the whole town must know they’d gone to the Russian church, but did they also know they’d been to the hot spring? She hoped not. Rumors got started so fast up there and took on a life of their own. So far no one had said anything, but one never knew.

“Mom.” Bradley suddenly jumped up from where he’d been sitting cross-legged on the worn carpet watching the movie on the small screen. He was wearing a big grin on his small face. “The doctor’s staying here cuz he loves Carrie. He told us.”

Carrie knew he was teasing. She knew she shouldn’t react, but she felt her face turn red, anyway. She blushed just as easily now as she had when she was Bradley’s age. When would she ever grow up?

“Bradley,” his mother said sternly.

“It’s okay,” Carrie said. “He’s kidding. He knows that it’s impossible for somebody to fall in love in two days, don’t you, Bradley?”

“Yeah, but the doc said he had a girlfriend.”

What he didn’t know was that the girlfriend was not her. She was somebody else. She was the kind of
woman Matt would marry eventually. Maybe not now. Maybe not even her. But one of these days, he’d find someone like her and that would be it. The thought filled Carrie with a sense of fatalistic foreboding.

“Bradley, I don’t think you’ve finished cleaning those fish you caught,” his mother said. “You know the rules. Now get out there and get busy.

“It sure was nice of the doctor to take the boys fishing,” Tillie said when her son had left the room.

“I think it was more the other way around,” Carrie said. “They took him. And they caught all the fish.”

“We’ll be sure you have some to take home.”

They had plenty to take home, all cleaned by Bradley and ready to cook. After Matt came out of Donny’s room and gave his mother an update on his condition, he and Carrie drove back to her house. Back in Carrie’s kitchen they put the cooler filled with fish on the floor.

“Next time maybe they’ll be fish I caught myself.”

She didn’t say there wouldn’t be a next time, but she thought it. No matter what he said, he knew it, too. His kind of lifestyle didn’t permit long lazy days spent fishing. It hadn’t up till now, and it probably wouldn’t in the future. Enough of that. She had to warn him about the storm.

“I guess it’s time I called the ship,” he said. He sounded reluctant. It must be hard for him to keep explaining. “The cruise is almost over. They dock the day after tomorrow. Then they’ll fly home to San Francisco.”

“Oh, no.” She leaned back against the kitchen counter. “You’ve missed out on so much.”

“Don’t say that,” he said, crossing the room and placing his hands on her shoulders. “You have no idea how much this has meant to me.” He framed her face in his hands and smoothed the worried frown from her forehead with the pads of his thumbs. She knew that was the doctor in him coming out. He had an innate wish to soothe, to heal, to take care of, not just her but everyone.

“I wish you could see this place through my eyes,” he continued. “You’re so used to it and the people and the water and the islands, you don’t know how special it is. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. And you, you’re the most special of all. You’re like nobody I’ve ever met before. You’ve done so much for me. Made me feel so welcome. I want to reciprocate. I want you to visit me and let me show you around my city the way you’ve shown me. I want to—”

“No, no, don’t say it, you know you can’t do that,” she said, putting her fingers against his lips. “You know it’s not possible. You’ve got a busy schedule ahead of you. You can’t… I can’t…” She couldn’t finish her sentence. Why did she need to? He knew as well as she did it was impossible. She hadn’t been out of Alaska for the past two years. Her life was here. Her job was here. Even if she did go, when would he have time for her? He wouldn’t. It was just wishful thinking.

He didn’t say anything else, but the intensity of his words and of his gaze convinced her he was sincere. Of course he was, but that didn’t mean it was going to happen. Yes, he wanted her to come. But could she even imagine going to San Francisco, staying with
him and having him show her around? Hardly. It made no sense at all. It would only make it harder for her to accept the inevitable—their paths would never cross again no matter how much she wanted them to. No, it couldn’t possibly work out. Not in the long run. So why postpone the final goodbyes? Why make it more difficult than it already was to say goodbye? Why make her want something that would never happen?

She wished he’d never mentioned it. Because now she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Her mind was full of images. She and Matt wandering up and down the hills of the city hand in hand. Though she’d never been there, she could see herself and Matt at Fisherman’s Wharf eating cracked crab. The two of them on a cable car… She shook her head to erase the images.

He knew and she knew he couldn’t drop everything to play tourist with her. Even worse she knew she wouldn’t fit in. She could only imagine the looks his parents would give her. How disappointed they’d be to find he was interested in a bush pilot who was more at home in a cockpit than a hospital charity ball.

“No,” she said. “I appreciate the thought, but it wouldn’t work at all. You’re busy, I’m busy. Neither of our schedules would allow anything like that.” She ducked out from under his arms. “Go make your call. I’m going to fix some vegetables to go with the fish.”

Matt stood in the doorway, reluctant to leave the kitchen. She’d made a fire in the cast-iron cookstove, which filled the room with a radiant heat. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair was tied back in a band, but tendrils had escaped and tempted him to wrap his
fingers around them. But that wouldn’t be enough. He’d want to wrap his arms around her, pin her against the whitewashed wall and kiss her until she was senseless. Until she returned his kisses, until she told him she was going to miss him as much as he would miss her. Until she said she’d come to see him. That she believed he would make it happen. That she’d do whatever it took to join him there. He told himself he was the one who was senseless. If he didn’t come to his senses soon he didn’t know what would happen.

He went into the living room and sat on the couch with his head in his hands. The idea of her coming to San Francisco had just popped into his head. It would make it much easier to leave here if he knew he could see her again. What if she brought Donny in? Of course she couldn’t fly all that way in her little plane with him. And he’d have to be brought in on a gurney, but damn it, there had to be a way. But only if she wanted to come. So far she hadn’t said she did.

If she came he’d find a way to take the time off. He’d never done it before. Never had a good reason. He refused to consider the fact that residents worked twenty-four-hour shifts and never had more than a day off at a time. He wouldn’t consider the idea that her schedule wouldn’t permit it or that she’d just say no. He’d find a way.

If not, tonight might be their last night together. If he never saw her again, he’d regret it forever if he didn’t make love to her. He wouldn’t suggest it. It would just have to happen. She’d have to give him a sign, or he’d feel like a fool starting something she didn’t want to finish.

He didn’t know when this idyll in this remote corner of the world would end. It could be tomorrow or it could be the next day. He wanted to take advantage of every minute. He knew he’d be sorry if he didn’t. For a long time he sat on the couch with the phone next to him looking out the window. Far away he could see faint splashes of lightning flash across the sky. Again he felt guilty that he was enjoying the company, the simple pastimes, the scenery and the dramatic weather while his parents and Mira thought he was performing a great sacrifice. He smiled wryly to himself. If they only knew. If they knew they’d be upset, maybe even angry.

He sat back and watched the sky light up, and he relished the thought that he’d gotten another reprieve. Another day in paradise with Carrie. Paradise? No one on the ship would have called it that. He wasn’t lying when he told Carrie the other tourists would have been delighted to see Alaska from the inside with an insider. But after a day or two, they’d be ready to return to the luxury of gourmet meals served by waiters in black-tie. As for him, he was looking forward to eating fresh fish cooked on an old-fashioned stove and as many more days like this that he could get.

He made himself pick up the phone and dial the number of the ship. He got through to Mira’s room and she was there.

“Matt, what’s happened? We’ve been so worried. We tried calling you but no one answered.”

“I’m fine. My patient up here is in stable condition. The reason I’m not back yet is because of the weather.”

“That’s what you said the last time.”

“This kind of overcast seems to last for days sometimes. This is one of those times. There’s no possibility of flying out in a small plane and there are no large ones in this area. It’s quite remote.”

“That’s terrible,” she said.

“Yes, it is.” What else could he say? No, it isn’t terrible at all? I’m having the best time of my life? I don’t want to come back? “Tell me, how was Ketchikan?”

“It was fine. Your father wrote postcards and your mother and I went shopping. They have the most marvelous stores. Of course they’re packed with tourists from all the cruise ships, but we managed to do all our Christmas shopping and avoid the crowds later. We met the nicest people from Seattle who know your uncle Bob. Last night was the chef’s night. The whole staff parades out of the kitchen carrying flaming baked Alaska. It’s quite spectacular. I’m so sorry you missed it.”

The smell of fish frying came wafting from the kitchen. Matt hadn’t realized how hungry he was.

“I’m going to have to hang up now, Mira,” he said. “It was good talking to you.”

“Wait a minute,” she said. “We’ll be back in San Francisco tomorrow. When will you get home? How will you get back?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll be in touch.” He hung up and hurried into the kitchen in time to see Carrie flip several fish filets in her frying pan at once.

“Bravo,” he said, raising his hands in the air and clapping. “That deserves a standing ovation. Tell me what I can do.”

“Set the table, if you would,” she said.

The kitchen was so small he brushed against her shoulder or her arm or her back every time he passed with the silverware or reached for the glasses or the napkins. The air was filled with steam from the pot of boiling green beans, and the tension was mounting. This amount of physical contact just wasn’t enough. Not for him. After dinner, he told himself. Be patient. Watch for a sign. If she feels the way you do, she’ll send a signal.

The fish was delicious. The whole dinner was wonderful. Then again, sitting across the table from Carrie eating bread and water would be wonderful, too. His knees bumped hers, once, twice and finally they came to rest against each other. She looked up at him, questions in her eyes, then looked away before he could answer them.

“This is the best fish I’ve ever had,” he said.

“Because it’s fresh,” she said.

“Because you cooked it,” he said.

She smiled and he saw the dimple flash once again. He stared, hoping to see it again. But she was in a serious mood.