Uncle John’s True Crime (4 page)

• “A green and gold colored bird on Southwood Drive appeared injured. It ran into the bushes when questioned by police.”

• “A male was yelling and screaming obscenities in his Randolph Avenue driveway. Police reported he actually was trying to rap.”

• “The glass to a snack machine in the Knott Hall commuter lounge was reported to be broken. Campus Police responded and removed all remaining snacks.”

• “A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint.”

• “The mother of an adult man called police, concerned he was running with the wrong crowd.”

• “Clinton Police responded quickly to an accident in the parking lot of a Dunkin’ Donuts. The prompt response time is accredited to there being a squad car waiting in line at the drive-up window.”

• “A woman reported that someone entered her condo, tied her shoelaces together, tilted pictures on the walls, and removed the snaps from her clothing.”

• “At 11:50 p.m. police talked to four nude people seen running down Lincoln Street, and advised them not to be nude in public again.”

• “A woman said she suspected someone had sabotaged her washing machine. A police investigation concluded that an unbalanced laundry load had caused the shaking.”

• “Teens who dialed 9-1-1 to report that ‘everything is fine’ were checked on and found to be in possession of alcohol.”

• “A resident called police after finding a 12-pack of toilet paper on her doorstep on Greenridge Drive, not for the first time.”

The song “Midnight Rambler” by the Rolling Stones was inspired by the Boston Strangler
.

If someone hates technology, we call him or her a Luddite. Why? Because of a 19th-century group of machine-smashing rebels
.

O
H, WHAT A TANGLED WEB

The weavers and lace makers of Nottingham, England, were once some of the most respected artisans in the world. But the invention of the power loom in the late 1700s—which produced fabric much more quickly and cheaply than the hand-weavers—threatened to put them out of business. In order to survive, most of the weavers started working for miserly wages at the factories that were producing the inferior cloth that was making them obsolete. Day after day, the former weavers simmered with rage at the factory owners who appropriated their life’s work...and at the machines that had helped them do it.

All of a sudden, factory looms started to mysteriously break down. At first, just a couple here and there. Then a few more. When asked what had happened, the workers would just shrug and say, “Ned Ludd did it.”

BETTER OFF NED

Who was Ned Ludd? Not much is known for certain about him because most of his deeds were stretched beyond belief, but records prove that he was a real weaver who (if the accounts are true) became so angry after he received a whipping that he smashed up two knitting frames. Word spread of his revolt and before too long, other weavers followed suit.

And then the disgruntled workers got organized—they gathered late at night in private to
really
start plotting their revenge. In early 1811, they began sending menacing letters to Nottingham factory owners—signed by “General Ned Ludd”—warning of dire consequences if factory conditions and wages didn’t improve. Some of the bolder Luddites, as they came to be called, even showed up in person to make their demands. Intimidated, most factory owners complied and raised wages. Those who didn’t found their expensive machines smashed, by the dozens, in after-hours Luddite attacks.

FBI agents must undergo firearms testing four times per year
.

APRIL SHOWERS

As the growing rebellion leaked to nearby British regions, it grew more intense. The first Luddites had been strictly nonviolent, only venting their anger on the hated machines. But in Yorkshire, the owner of Rawfolds Mill, aware of worker unrest at his factory, feared for his life. Hearing rumors about a planned attack on April 11, 1812, he hired a team of private guards. Two former weavers were killed in the clash. Seven days later, the Luddites did kill a mill owner in the region, William Horsfall.

Then it was all-out war: On April 20, an angry mob of thousands attacked Burton’s Mill in Manchester. Like the Rawfolds mill owner, Burton knew trouble was coming and hired guards. They fired on the crowd and killed three men. The furious Luddites dispersed. But the next day, they returned and burned down Burton’s house. In clashes with Burton’s guards and the military (who rushed into the fray) at least 10 men were killed.

SQUASHED

A police crackdown ensued. Scores of leaders and rank-and-file Luddites were arrested and tried for their crimes. Many men were hanged; others were imprisoned or exiled to Australia. And with that, the uprising was over. There were sporadic outbreaks of violence, but by 1817 the Luddite movement ceased to be active in Britain. (Of course, the Luddites were right all along: The hated machines
were
making their jobs obsolete. These days, only a tiny fraction of the world’s cloth is made by hand.)

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*
*

Menelik II was the emperor of Ethiopia from 1889 until 1913. During his reign, he got excited by news of an invention being used in New York: Criminals were being executed with a device called an “electric chair.” Eager to modernize, Menelik ordered three electric chairs. However, it wasn’t until the devices arrived and were unpacked that the emperor realized they were useless for killing anyone. Why? Because at the time, Ethiopia lacked electricity. Menelik tossed two of the chairs, but frugally recycled the third by converting it into his throne.

Bipolar: Nevada is the only state that allows casino gambling...but has outlawed lotteries
.

Here’s proof that stupidity is timeless (and sometimes deadly)
.

T
HE DALTON BROTHERS

In the little town of Coffeyville, Kansas, in 1890, Bob, Emmett, and Gratton Dalton, along with two other men, formed a gang of outlaws. Inspired by the exploits of their cousins the Younger Brothers—who 15 years earlier had stolen nearly half a million dollars from trains and banks with the James Gang—the Daltons pulled a few small-time robberies. But they wanted a big payoff and the fame that goes with it—and that could only come from a legendary bank heist. So they planned it all out...all wrong:

1
. The Daltons aimed to rob two banks at once: Two men would rob the First National Bank, while the other three hit Condon & Co. across the street. They thought they’d get double the loot, but they only doubled their chances of getting caught.

2
. Instead of traveling to another town where no one knew them, they chose Coffeyville—where everyone knew them.

3
. The street in front of the banks was being repaired the day of the heist. They could have postponed it, but went ahead anyway. Now they had to hitch their horses a block away, making a clean getaway that much more difficult.

4
.
Smart:
They wore disguises.
Dumb:
The disguises were wispy stage mustaches and goatees. Locals saw right through them.

The bank robberies were a disaster. The townsfolk saw the Dalton boys coming and armed themselves. The Daltons did get $20,000 from First National, but came up empty at the other bank when a teller said she couldn’t open the safe. When they emerged from the banks, an angry mob was waiting for them in the street. A hail of bullets followed, killing every member except Emmett Dalton, who spent the next 15 years in prison. He emerged from the penitentiary to discover that the Dalton Gang’s story had indeed been immortalized, but not as legendary outlaws...only as hapless screwups.

In 1978 the state of Florida ran classified ads in newspapers for the position of “executioner.”

If you’re a crime buff, you’ve no doubt come across an urban legend or two. Here are three of the best ones we’ve found over the years. Are they true? Uncle John’s best friend’s little sister’s teacher’s neighbor
swears
they are
.

T
HE STORY:
A traveler visiting New York City meets an attractive woman in a bar and takes her back to his hotel room. That’s all he remembers—the next thing he knows, he’s lying in a bathtub filled with ice; and surgical tubing is coming out of two freshly stitched wounds on his lower chest. There’s a note by the tub that says, “Call 911. We’ve removed your left kidney.” (Sometimes both are removed). The doctors in the emergency room tell him he’s the victim of thieves who steal organs for use in transplants. (According to one version of the story, medical students perform the surgeries, then use the money to pay off student loans.)

NOTE:
Uncle John actually heard this from a friend, Karen Pinsky, who sells real estate. She said it was a warning given by a real estate firm to agents headed to big cities for conventions.

HOW IT SPREAD:
French folklorist Veronique Campion-Vincent has traced the story to Honduras and Guatemala, where rumors began circulating in 1987 that babies were being kidnapped and murdered for their organs. The alleged culprits: wealthy Americans needing transplants. From there the story spread to South America, then all over the world. Wherever such stories surfaced—including the U.S—newspapers reported them as fact. The New York version surfaced in the winter of 1991, and in February 1992, the
New York Times
“verified” it. Scriptwriter Joe Morgenstern, thinking it was true, even made it the subject of an episode of the NBC- TV series
Law & Order
.

THE TRUTH:
National and international agencies have investigated the claims, but haven’t been able to substantiate even a single case of organ theft anywhere in the world. The agencies say the stories aren’t just groundless, but also implausible. “These incredible stories ignored the complexity of organ transplant operations,” Jan Brunvald writes in
The Baby Train and Other Lusty Urban Legends
, “which would preclude any such quick removal and long-distance shipment of body parts.”

Bank robber John Dillinger once played professional baseball
.

THE STORY:
One of the most potent forms of marijuana in the world is “Manhattan White” (also known as “New York Albino”). The strain evolved in the dark sewers of New York City as a direct result of thousands of drug dealers flushing their drugs down the toilet during drug busts. The absence of light in the sewers turns the marijuana plants white; raw sewage, acting as a fertilizer, makes it extremely potent.

THE TRUTH:
Most likely an updated version of the classic urban myth that alligators live in the New York sewers.

THE STORY:
A young woman finishes shopping at the mall and walks out to her car to go home. But there’s an old lady sitting in the car. “I’m sorry ma’am, but this isn’t your car,” the woman says.

“I know,” the old lady replies, “but I had to sit down.” Then she asks the young woman for a ride home.

The young woman agrees, but then remembers she locked the car when she arrived at the mall. She pretends to go back into the mall to get her sister, and returns with a security guard. The guard and the old lady get into a fight, and in the struggle the old lady’s wig falls off, revealing that she’s actually a man. The police take the man away, and under the car seat, they find an axe. (The story is kept alive by claims that the mall has bribed reporters and police to keep the story quiet.)

THE TRUTH:
The modern form of the tale comes from the early 1980s and places the action at numerous malls...New York, Las Vegas, Milwaukee, Chicago, and even Fresno, California, depending on who’s telling the story. Folklorists speculate the tale may date all the way back to an 1834 English newspaper account of “a gentleman in his carriage, who on opening the supposed female’s reticule [handbag] finds to his horror a pair of loaded pistols inside.”

*
*
*

“A Dutch man from Maarssen whose stolen car was returned to him by police was greatly surprised to find that the cops had accidentally left the thief’s wallet, identity card, crack pipe, and heroin supply in the car.”

—
The Metro
(The Netherlands)

Fewer than 1% of people call the police when they hear a car alarm
.

So you’re watching
Law & Order
on TV, or maybe you find yourself in court (we won’t ask why), and you suddenly realize you have no idea what the judge and lawyers are talking about. Ta-da! Here’s a handy legal-phrase guide
.

Litigant
. A participant in the trial or hearing.

Plaintiff
. The side that filed the lawsuit.

Defendant
. The person on trial (or being sued).

Prosecutor
. The lawyer who represents the state (or city) in a criminal case.

Defense attorney
. The lawyer who represents the defendant.

Brief
. A document written by each side that outlines and supports their arguments.

Deposition
. Testimony of a witness taken outside the courtroom, usually in a lawyer’s office.

Arraignment
. The first court appearance of a person accused of a crime, usually when a plea is entered.

Writ
. A legal paper filed to start various types of civil suits.

Affidavit
. A written statement made under oath.

Bail
. Also called “bond.” Money accepted by the court for the temporary release of a defendant, given as a guarantee they will show up for trial.

Statute of limitations
. The window of time during which someone can be charged with a crime.

Bench warrant
. If a defendant out on bail doesn’t show up for trial, the judge issues this to order that person’s immediate arrest.

Cross-examination
. Questioning by the other side’s attorney.