Uncle John’s True Crime (2 page)

And this being a
Bathroom Reader
, you know you’re also going to find a rogues’ gallery of weird and blunderful stories to laugh at. (Our favorite: one about the toothless man who stole a toothbrush.) So let the perp walk commence. Here’s what’s in store for you in
Uncle John’s True Crime
:

•
Masterminds:
New York City’s “Mad Bomber,” Britain’s “Unabashed Bandit” Ronnie Biggs, and the “Terror of La Porte” Belle Gunness

•
Not-so-Masterminds:
Bungling bank robbers, stupid smugglers, 9-1-1 numbskulls, and the dumb crook who tried to shoplift some CDs from a Walmart...while he was dressed up as Superman

•
It’s a Mob, Mob, Mob, Mob World:
Wiseguys who ain’t so wise, how to talk like a mobster, where’s Jimmy Hoffa, and beware the Godmother

•
Crime and History:
How stealing the
Mona Lisa
turned it into the world’s most famous painting, how a botched bank robbery marked the beginning of the end of Jesse James, and how the schizophrenic notions of a house painter led to America’s first presidential assassination attempt

•
The Long Arm:
A crime-fighting ape, the story of the TV show
Cops
, the origin of Canada’s Mounties, and the D.C. police officer who brought a gun to a snowball fight

•
Prison Life:
The “Queen of the Jail” who helped the Biddle Boys escape, the “Lady of the Lockup” who helped countless convicts change their ways, strange prison food, and some too-weird-to-be-true (but they are) prisoner lawsuits

•
International Intrigue:
Canadian ganglands, the Beijing Tea Scam, Somali pirates, and a murderous Norwegian “death metal” band

•
Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous:
The celebrity murder that rocked Hollywood...in 1921, Johnny Cash’s captive audience, the story behind the rap song “Cop Killer,” and the hard-boiled tale of a P.I.-turned-writer named Dashiell Hammett—whose razor-sharp prose pierced the dreary city like a thousand daggers waiting inside a thousand dark closets for a thousand dames to hang up a thousand coats (or something like that).

While you let that last sentence sink in, we’ll make a quick getaway. But first, Uncle John would like to put out an APB on our gallant gang of writers, editors, researchers, and designers—including G-man Javna, AmyK-47, Ain’t-no-Angel Angie, Boom-Boom Brunsfeld, and Noodles Newman.

So whether you’re a cop on a bathroom break, a convict doing hard time, or just a regular “crumb” (see
page 54
) who likes a good yarn, get ready for some pulpy
non
fiction fun.

And as always
...

Go with the Flow!

—
Uncle John, Felix the Crime Dog,
and the BRI Staff

You are hereby sentenced to do time at
www.bathroomreader.com
. Do not pass Go
.

Proof that it’s never too early to start learning about True Crime
.

U
ZI WATER GUN
. “The look! The feel! The sound! So real!” Banned in 1990, this line of squirt guns—which included RPGs, AK-47s, and Berettas—looked so much like the real things that police officials throughout the U.S. lobbied to have them discontinued.

TAMAHONAM
. This toy from Hong Kong has Mob connections. Instead of “feeding” this digital pet like you would a virtual dog or cat, you provide Tamahonam with cigarettes, booze, and weapons so he can, says the packaging, “go out and wage turf wars.”

ROGER CLEMENS PRISON ACTION FIGURE
. The former major league pitcher is posed in his windup, but instead of a baseball uniform, the indicted steroid user and perjury committer is dressed in an orange prison jumpsuit. Says the packaging: “Once he was destined for Cooperstown. Because of Clemens’s false bravado and obsession with his image, though, he now seems headed for jail instead. Get yours today!”

“LETTER BOMB.”
Sold in the Philippines, this game lets kids “have fun and become a terrorist!” Each kid gets his or her own “airmail envelope.” They write their “victim’s” name on it, clap on the envelope, and then give it to the victim. In seven seconds, one of the envelopes “explodes.” That player is the loser.

THE SWEENEY TODD RAZOR
. “Your friends will think you’re really sharp when you flash this authentic prop replica of the murderous singing barber’s straight razor! Fashioned from real metal, the realistic reproduction is intricately detailed and arrives in a red-velour, drawstring pouch, ready for more musical mayhem in your hands!”

BRASS KNUCKLE TEETHING TOY
. For the “edgy” parent. This limited-edition, handmade teething toy looks like a set of brass knuckles, but is made of finely sanded maple. So it’s safe for your baby, but not for the “lil bullies buggin’ him!”

The LAPD’s motto, “To Serve and Protect,” was coined in 1955 by Officer Joe Dorobek
.

These were actually said, word for word, in a court of law
.

Clerk:
Please state your name and spell your last name.

Judge:
She’s already been sworn.

Clerk:
I’m sorry, Your Honor. She looks different.

Witness:
I ate.

Q:
What happened then?

A:
He says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Q:
Did he kill you?

A:
No.

Q:
Have you lived in this town all your life?

A:
Not yet.

“So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?”

Q:
So you were unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?

A:
Mr. S. gave me artificial insemination, you know, mouth-to-mouth.

A:
You know, I don’t know, but I mean, you know—you don’t know, but you know. You know what I’m saying?

Q:
Do I? No. Do I know? No.

Q:
To the charge of driving wile intoxicated, how do you plead?

A:
Drunk.

Plaintiff’s attorney:
Why do you think your home developed cracks in the walls?

Defendant’s attorney:
I object! The witness has no expertise in this area, there is an obvious lack of foundation.

Q:
Did he pick up the dog by the ears?

A:
No.

Q:
What was he doing with the dog’s ears?

A:
Picking them up in the air.

Q:
Where was the dog at this time?

A:
Attached to the ears.

“Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”

Q:
Well, sir, judging from your answer on how you reacted to the emergency call, it sounds like you are a man of intelligence and good judgment.

A:
Thank you, and if I weren’t under oath, I would return the compliment.

In cop lingo, a “muppet” is an acronym of the “most useless police person ever trained.”

Before they allow some people to buy guns, maybe police should skip the background check and give the applicants an IQ test. Here’s why
.

• A Washington man became frustrated trying to untangle Christmas lights in his driveway and became even more frustrated when his daughter came home and drove over them. So he went inside, got his .45-caliber pistol, took it into his backyard, and fired several shots into the ground, after which he was arrested.

• A man at Dallas–Fort Worth Airport damaged a window and caused panic among passengers when he accidentally fired his hunting rifle at a security checkpoint. The gun went off while he was demonstrating to guards that it wasn’t loaded.

•
A 32-year-old man was treated for a gunshot wound in his thigh in a Kentucky hospital. He had accidentally shot himself, he explained, while practicing his quick draw...with a snowman.

• Daniel Carson Lewis was charged with criminal mischief, driving while intoxicated, weapons misconduct, and assault after shooting a hole in the Alaskan Pipeline north of Fairbanks. Result: 280,000 gallons of crude oil were spilled over two acres of tundra before crews could stop the leak, the worst in about 20 years. Cleanup costs were estimated at $7 million. He did it, said his brother, “just to see if he could.” He faces up to 10 years in prison.

• Chaddrick Dickson, 25, was treated for wounds received while trying to get the gunpowder out of a .22-caliber bullet by holding it with pliers and smashing it on the floor. The bullet exploded, hitting him in the leg. Dickson needed the gunpowder, he said, to put in his dog’s food “to make him meaner.”

•
To get the attention of officers in a passing police car after getting a flat tire, a man in Pretoria, South Africa, shot his gun at it. The officers didn’t help him with the flat, but they did charge him with attempted murder.

“We hang the petty thieves, but appoint the great ones to public office.” —Aesop

Believe it or not, these laws are real
.

In Kentucky, it’s against the law to throw eggs at a public speaker.

In Shawnee, Oklahoma, it’s illegal for three or more dogs to “meet” on private property without the consent of the owner.

In Hartford, Connecticut, transporting a cadaver by taxi is punishable by a $5 fine.

In Michigan, it’s illegal for a woman to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

You can ride your bike on main streets in Forgan, Oklahoma, but it’s against the law to ride it backwards.

If you tie an elephant to a parking meter in Orlando, Florida, you have to feed the meter just as if the elephant were a car.

California law forbids sleeping in the kitchen...but allows cooking in the bedroom.

It’s a felony in Montana for a wife to open a telegram addressed to her husband. (It’s not a crime for the husband to open telegrams addressed to his wife.)

You can gargle in Louisiana if you want to, but it’s against the law to do it in public.

In Maryland it’s against the law for grandchildren to marry their grandparents.

It’s against the law to anchor your boat to the train tracks in Jefferson City, Missouri.

In Columbus, Montana, it’s a misdemeanor to pass the mayor on the street without tipping your hat.

It’s illegal to throw an onion in Princeton, Texas.

Kentucky law requires that every person in the state take a bath at least once a year.

It’s against the law to pawn your wooden leg in Delaware.

TASERS debilitate people by temporarily overriding their entire nervous system
.

In 1977 U.S. Dept. of Agrigulture officials named a new dining hall after 19th-century pioneer Alferd G. Packer. The hall was renamed a few months later. Why? The officials discovered that Packer did more than just explore
.

A
DUBIOUS DISTINCTION

Alferd G. Packer holds a unique spot in American jurisprudence. He is the only U.S. citizen ever charged, tried, and convicted for the crime of murder and cannibalism.

Born in rural Colorado in 1847, Packer drifted into the Utah Territory, supporting himself as a small-time con artist, claiming to be an experienced “mountain man.” In the fall of 1873, he persuaded 20 greenhorns in Salt Lake City to grubstake an expedition to the headwaters of the Gunnison River in Colorado Territory. He swore that the stream was full of gold and promised to lead them to it if they would finance the operation.

GOLD FEVER

With Packer leading, they plunged into the San Juan Mountains and promptly got lost. The party was near starvation when they stumbled into the winter quarters of the friendly Ute tribe. The Indians nursed them back to health, but the leader, Chief Ouray, advised them to turn back. Winter snows had blocked all trails. Ten of the party listened and returned to Utah. The other 10, still believing Packer’s tales of gold-filled creeks, stayed with him.

Ouray gave them supplies and advised them to follow the river upstream for safety, but Packer ingored this counsel and plunged back into the mountains. The party split up again. Five turned back and made their way to the Los Pinos Indian Agency. Fired up with gold fever, the others continued on with their con man guide. Days later, exhausted, half frozen, and out of food, they found refuge in a deserted cabin. Most of them were now ready to give up and go back to Salt Lake City.

The exception was Alferd Packer. He was broke, and returning to Salt Lake City would cost him his grubstake. When the others fell asleep, Packer shot four of them in the head. The fifth woke and tried to defend himself, but Packer cracked his skull with the barrel of his rifle. Then, he robbed them....He also used them for food.

Three most common U.S. cop cars: Ford Crown Victoria, Chevy Impala, and Dodge Charger
.

When his strength returned, he packed enough “human jerky” to get back to the Los Pinos Agency. Several miles from the agency, he emptied his pack to conceal his crime. He was welcomed by General Adams, commander of the agency, but shocked everyone by asking for whiskey instead of food. When he flashed a huge bankroll, they started asking questions.

WELL, YOU SEE, OFFICER
...

Packer’s explanations were vague and contradictory. First, he claimed he was attacked by natives, then he claimed that some of his party had gone mad and attacked him. On April 4, 1874, two of Chief Ouray’s braves found the human remains Packer had discarded. General Adams locked him up and dispatched a lawman named Lauter to the cabin to investigate. But while Lauter was away, Packer managed to escape.

He made his way back to Utah and lived quietly for 10 years as “John Schwartze,” until a member of the original party recognized him. Packer was arrested on March 12, 1884 and returned to Lake City, Colorado, for trial.

Packer claimed innocence but as the evidence against him mounted, he finally confessed. Apparently, he reveled in the attention his trial gave him and even lectured on the merits of human flesh. The best “human jerky,” he said, was the meat on the chest ribs. The judge was not impressed.