Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (42 page)

“It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket.”

—Rep. Joe Salem, on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury

“I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.”

—Speaker Gib Lewis

“Lemme give ya’ a hypodietic.”

—Rep. Renal Rosson

“Well, there never was a Bible in the room.”

—Gov. Bill Clements, on repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal

“I am filled with humidity.”

—Speaker Gib Lewis

“It’s the sediment of the House that we adjourn.”

—Speaker Wayne Clayton

“This is unparalyzed in the state’s history.”

—Speaker Gib Lewis

“Oh good. Now he’ll be bi-ignorant.”

—Ag. Commissioner Jim Hightower, when told that Gov. Bill Clements was studying Spanish

“Let’s do this in one foul sweep.”

—Speaker Wayne Clayton

“There’s a lot of uncertainty that’s not clear in my mind.”

—Speaker Gib Lewis

“No thanks, once was enough.”

—Gov. Bill Clements, when asked if he had been born again

“If it’s dangerous to talk to yourself, it’s probably even dicier to listen.”

—Ag. Commissioner Jim Hightower

Alaska alone has as much coastline as the rest of the United States.

Look out the window: everything may look calm and serene
—
but what’s going on below the surface? The answer is…a lot. Here’s some basic Earth sciences.

Why do volcanoes explode? Simply stated, because the center of the Earth is hot, while the crust is (relatively speaking) cold. This causes different pressures, which need to be equalized.

The Earth is covered by a crust of solid rock, 20 miles thick over the average continent, twice that thick under mountain ranges, and only 5 miles thick under the oceans. It’s about 4,000 miles to the center of the Earth, and the deeper you go, the hotter it gets—90°F for every mile. The high temperature is generated by a concentration of radioactive materials, which give off heat as they deteriorate.

Gold miners in South Africa work at 11,736 feet below the Earth’s surface—just a little more than two miles deep—where the rocks are hot enough to burn a naked hand. The average temperature of a typical rock on the surface is 55 °F, but deep in the gold mines it is 125°. Forty miles under the surface, the heat is so great that rocks melt, forming magma. At the core, temperatures may reach 13,000°F. (Compare that to the melting point of pure iron, a mere 2,795°.)

In the planet’s infancy, the outer part may have been a solid shell. But as it cooled, the shell cracked like an egg into nine main pieces and about a dozen smaller ones, called tectonic plates. They fit together like a jigsaw puzzle and float on top of a layer of molten magma. The plates move at the average rate of one inch per year, which is about as fast as fingernails grow. (The hour hand of a clock moves 10,000 times faster.)

Each of the tectonic plates rubs against three or more other plates. The points where the plates meet are where magma is most likely to find an escape route. Eighty percent of the world’s volcanoes
and 90% of its earthquakes occur along the edges of these plates. That’s also where we find the Earth’s tallest mountains and deepest trenches.

If you work nights, you’re nearly twice as likely to have an accident than if you work days.

Magma is not stagnant; it moves. The same way that differences in hot and cold air cause wind, and differences in hot and cold water cause currents, differences in hot rocks in the center of the Earth and cold rocks at the surface of the Earth cause magma to move.

In addition, when rocks melt, their various materials naturally sort by weight, with heavy elements, such as iron and nickel sinking, and lighter elements rising. This also produces motion in magma. Furthermore, the gases produced when rocks melt rise to the surface, pushing magma upward. The magma forces its way through any fissure it can find. When a weak spot in the surface of the Earth is found, a pipeline forms and everything spews out. But when a pipeline becomes clogged—for example, by a plug of hardened lava from a previous explosion—nothing can escape. In that case, the pressure of the gases and magma continues to increase until it’s strong enough to blow out the plug. Obviously, the tighter the plug and the greater the pressure, the more devastating the explosion.

When magma comes to the surface, it’s called lava. The average temperature of lava is about 1,800°F, although it can be much hotter. When lava is churned violently, mixed to a froth with air and gases, and then thrown into the atmosphere, it comes down as pumice. When magma cools beneath the surface, it forms dense rocks such as granite and basalt. Fully 80% of the Earth is volcanic in origin.

There are about 600 active volcanoes in the world and an average of 20 explosions per year around the planet. North America has about 20 volcanoes, all on the west coast. Japan has over 70. (Australia has none at all, because it sits in the middle of a tectonic plate.) Over the last 10,000 years, about 1,500 different volcanoes have exploded. Over the last 1,000 years, approximately 300,000 people have died due to volcanic eruptions.

A person who collects keyrings is called a
copoclephilist.

The amount of destruction that volcanoes have caused, however, is infinitesimal compared to the bounty they’ve given us. Basically, without volcanos there’d be no life on Earth.

When our planet was very young, it was very hot. As the outer crust cooled, volcanoes spewed out enough gas over the first billion years to create a swirling, dynamic atmosphere. The cycle kept going…and going…and going. Weather systems formed and eons of rain eventually created the oceans.

What happened next is not known for certain—here are two theories:

• Lightning may have caused certain simple chemicals, like ammonia, to form into more complicated chemicals which, in turn, may have hooked together in chains, forming molecules such as RNA and DNA, the building blocks of life.

• Fats in the primitive seas may have formed large globules enclosing “life-directing” chemicals, and these structures eventually may have formed primitive living cells.

In either case, most scientists agree that volcanoes were the spoon that stirred the primordial soup long enough to allow the chemistry of life to succeed. And they’re still stirring it today. For evidence, look at any volcanic region on Earth and you’ll find some of the greenest and most fertile land anywhere.

Knowing what volcanoes have done for Earth, astronomers have looked for them on other planets. Mars has the largest known volcano in the solar system, Olympus Mons, three times higher than Mount Everest and as wide as Arizona. Samples taken from the Martian surface show trace amounts of water and biogenic elements that suggest life once existed there.

Farther away, scientists are eyeing Jupiter’s moon Europa, which also shows evidence of volcanism and water. Who knows—before the 21st century is complete, we may find some new friends in the neighborhood.

Back on Earth, nothing can be done to stop volcanoes from exploding. Scientists can usually predict explosions using seismology, gas monitoring, and satellite technology. Meanwhile,
mankind constantly works to reduce the impact of volcanoes on the population. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, it doesn’t.

Grocer’s dozen: 90% of the world’s food crops come from only 12 species of plants.

The Kelut volcano on the Indonesian island of Java tended to collect water in its crater, creating a huge lake. So, whenever the volcano erupted, an avalanche of boiling water and mud would sweep down the mountain, destroying everything in its path. In 1919 104 villages were buried and more than 5,000 people killed. Engineers decided to drain the lake. They began digging a series of tunnels through the side of the volcano, each one 30 feet lower than the last. By 1926, the lake was reduced from 85 million cubic yards of water to 4 million. When the volcano erupted again in 1951, the much smaller lake simply evaporated.

Unfortunately, the explosion also ruined the drainage system and deepened the crater. Once again, massive amounts of water collected. In 1963 an explosion killed thousands. A new drainage system was begun. Since then, the lake has been maintained at a safe level. When Kelut erupted in 1990, only 32 people were killed.

In 1973 the Helgafell volcano off the coast of Iceland began erupting. The 5,300 residents of Heimaey Island were evacuated, but 300 people remained to try to save the town. A wall of lava 120 feet high and 1,000 feet wide threatened to seal off the town’s only harbor, which would effectively destroy the local economy. In desperation, the remaining citizens used their fire engines to pump water on the advancing flow. Small tongues of lava solidified under the steady barrage of water, and a small dam built up, slowing the flow. Then they used a sand dredger to pump sea water onto the flow. More high-pressure pumps were sent from the United States, and workers discovered that by piping water to points behind the flow’s front, a series of small dams could be created to form internal barriers. Nineteen miles of pipe and 43 pumps were used to move water for nearly four months straight. Finally the volcano settled down. The harbor—and the town—had been saved.

For
more about volcanoes, check out the stories of Mount St. Helens on
page 302
, Mount Peleé on
page 72
, and The Lost Cities on
page 376
.

A cubic foot of gold weighs more than half a ton.

Better living through bathroom technology.

Inventor:
Aston Waugh of East Orange, New Jersey

Product:
An automobile urinal that flushes. The urinal consists of three parts: a hanging water tank, a miniature padded toilet bowl that the driver sits on while driving, and a waste storage tank that stows neatly beneath the driver’s seat.

How It Works:
After use, the driver flushes the device by opening a valve; water from the hanging tank flows through a tube into the toilet bowl, and from there into the storage tank underneath the seat. “For privacy,” the inventor advises, “the user may wrap a large towel around him or herself from the waist to the knees before undoing the clothing to facilitate urination.” (Not recommended for use while operating a cell phone.)

Inventor:
Floraine Cohen of New York City

Product:
A toilet conversion kit that allows dogs and cats to use the facilities just like any other member of the family.

How It Works:
A ramp leads up to a trapdoor that’s installed over the toilet bowl. An electronic sensor detects when the animal has come and gone, so to speak; then, after the animal has left, it opens the trapdoor, allowing the waste to fall into the bowl. “Encircling the trap door is a perforated tube into which water is fed, for purposes of flushing the waste material into the toilet.”

Inventor:
Angela Raphael of New York City

Product:
A strap-on animal waste collector for dogs owned by people too squeamish to use a pooper-scooper.

How It Works:
It looks kind of like a pet harness, only backward with two add-ons. One waste receptacle attaches beneath the dog’s tail, and one attaches beneath the dog to capture urine. Extra bonus: Both receptacles are disposable.

Ross’ loss: Ross Perot lost $450 million on the stock market in a single day—April 22, 1970.

In Japan, English words are “cool”
—
it doesn’t even matter whether they make sense, which is why they’re so funny. Here are some actual English phrases found on Japanese products.

On Fresh Brand Straws:
Let’s try homeparty fashionably and have a joyful chat with nice fellow. Fujinami’s straw will produce you young party happily and exceedingly.

Warning on a toy box:
A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously.

On Koeda brand chocolate-covered pretzels:
The sentimental taste is cozy for the heroines in the town.