Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader®

“G
od bless the Bathroom Reader. A lavatory without it is like a Pinto without a bumper: You could use it, but who’d want to?”

—
Gregory H., New Jersey

“I love your books! I have lost count of the prizes I have won on radio stations, drawings, and other contests. When I was pregnant, I actually looked forward to those trips to the can, because I knew that you guys would be there to greet me. My husband sometimes thought I got stuck!! Keep up the good work!!!”

—
Jen G., Ohio

“You guys write the funniest, most informative books I’ve ever read! All my friends love the crazy facts and funny stories! Thank you so much for providing the world with something great to do when you’re in the loo!”

—
Nathaniel Y., Pennsylvania

“I received
Uncle John’s All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader
for my birthday. I love the book and can’t stop reading it. I got it because I always spend a lot of time in the bathroom, never really reading much, just doing a lot of thinking, so my parents decided that it would be a good gift. And for once, they were right. In one month I have learned more than in 12 years at school! Thanks and keep up the good work!”

—
Jon P., Pennsylvania

“This book is very useful for people who were not born in America. I got so many information that I needed to know but had no one to ask.”

—
Seung Sun J., South Korea

“Keep on publishing. I need them. Can’t live without them. Help me. I need more. Arggghhhhh…

—
Dan F., California

“It all started with the Bathroom Reader 2000 Desktop Calendar, I couldn’t help but skip ahead. Then it was all down the drain from there. I bought the 12th and 13th editions and I’m currently awaiting your next installment. Your articles are great for those with a short attention span like myself.”

—
Keith S., Massachusetts

“Everyone here at Tehachapi, Level 2 Yard, Dorm 2, loves your
Bathroom Readers.”

—
The men at the California Correctional Institution, Tehachapi

“This past Father’s Day I purchased Uncle John’s
Great Big Bathroom Reader
for my husband. I can tell he enjoys it very much from the laughter coming from the bathroom in the middle of the night. Last week a local radio station held a contest. The question was, “In the movie Lords
of Flatbush,
how was Sylvester Stallone paid?” My husband remembered reading “25 T-shirts” in your
Bathroom Reader.
He won tickets to go see the Beach Boys in concert, complete with backstage passes! I couldn’t believe he won. And all because I bought him a
Bathroom Reader.”

—
Bob and Gloria S., Pennsylvania

“Just got back from my brother’s cottage on Big Hawk Lake near Dorset, Ontario. He had a copy in his bathroom. Once I picked it up it was constantly with me over the next five days, both in and out of the bathroom. Just got home last night and miss the
Bathroom Reader
already. Good thing you included your Web address which led me where I am right now. Can’t wait to pick up my own copy.”

—
Tony H., Ontario

“Congratulations on a superb dynasty of reading material and good luck on future editions. Many a leg has been numbed due to the absorbing nature of your Encyclopedia Commodica.”

—
Mac J., Virginia

“To you, dear Uncle John, I place full credit for everything I know.”

—
Lauren F., New
Jersey

Uncle John’s

Bathroom Reader
^®

The Bathroom Readers’
Institute

Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon

UNCLE JOHN’S

SUPREMELY SATISFYING

BATHROOM READER®

Copyright © 2001 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

For information, write:

The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

P.O. Box 1117

Ashland, OR 97520

www.bathroomreader.com

Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp

Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader
^°

by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-461-2

E-book edition: November 2011

“Lincoln’s Cabin” from
Lies Across America,
by James W. Loewen, author of the bestselling
Lies
My
Teacher Told Me.
Copyright © by James W. Loewen. Used with the permission of the author. Now available in paperback from Simon & Schuster.

“Great Balls of Fore,” by Ian Cruickshank, was found in
National Post Business,
February 2000. Copyright © 2000 by Ian Cruickshank. Reprinted with permission from the author and
National Post Business.

“Aliens Strutted Around in My Wife’s Pantyhouse,” by Mike Foster. Copyright © 2001 by Weekly World News. Reprinted with permission.

“What’s the Number for 911?,” © 2000 by Leland H. Gregory III. Visit
www.wacky911.com
for actual, stupid 911 calls, as well as to purchase his audio CD,
Wacky 911,
and his latest book,
What’s the Number for 911
Again?
Used by permission from the author and Andrews McMeel Publishing, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111.

“Myth-Adventure: The True Story of Captain Kidd,” originally “Business Ethics: An Oxymoron?” from An
Underground Education,
by Richard Zacks. Copyright © 1997 by Richard Zacks. Reprinted with permission, from the author. For more on Captain Kidd, be sure to order
Pirate Hunter
—
The True Story of Captain Kidd
(
www.amazon.com
).

“Bank on Us,” by Tom McNichol. Copyright © 1997. This article first appeared in
Salon.com
, at
http://www.Salon.com
.
An online version remains in the Salon archives. Reprinted with permission.

“TV Immodesty,” by Sheila Muto, staff reporter of
The Wall Street Journal.
First printed as “From Here to Immodesty: Milestones in the Toppling of TV’s Taboos” in
The Wall Strteet Journal,
Sept. 15, 1995. Copyright © 1995. Reprinted by permission of
The Wall Street Journal,
Dow Jones and Co., conveyed through Copyright Clearance Center, Inc.

“Baseball Moon” by Bruce Weber as “Think Tank: If Baseball Expands to the Moon, Be Sure to Back Up Those Fences,” April, 2001. Copyright © 2001 by The New York Times Co. Reprinted by permission from
The New York Times.

“Bathroom Feng Shui,” reprinted with the permission of Simon & Schuster from
Feng Shui: The Chinese Art of Designing a Harmonious Environment,
by Derek Walters. Copyright © 1988 Derek Walters.

“Are You a Tortilla Chip?” from
What Flavor Is Your Personality?
by Dr. Alan Hirsch. Copyright © 2001. Reprinted with permission. Contact: The Smell & Taste Foundation, Chicago, IL 60611

“Hidden Ads,” by Terry Lefton, was first reprinted as “You Can’t Zap These Ads” in
The Industry Standard
(March 2001).

“Firsts” and “Automobile Firsts,” excerpted from
The Book of Firsts,
by Patrick Robertson, copyright © 1974 by Patrick Robertson. Used by permission of Clarkson Potter/Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.

“Generation X,” by Douglas Coupland, from
Generation X.
Copyright © 1991 by Douglas Coupland. Reprinted by permission from St. Martin’s Press.

“See You in Hell,” by Kathy Kemp, author of
Welcome to Lickskillet: And Other Crazy Places in the Deep South.
Copyright © 1996. Crane Hill Publishers (
www.cranehill.com
). Reprinted with permission from the publisher.

“Things That Fell from the Sky” from
The Book of Lists,
copyright © 1978 by David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace. Reprinted with kind permission from the authors.

The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

Gordon Javna

John Javna

John Dollison

Jennifer & Zipper

Jeff Altemus

Jay Newman

Sharilyn Hovind

Michael Brunsfeld

Janet Spencer

Dylan Drake

Selene Foster

Eric Stahlman

Erin Keenan

Kim Weimer

Sharon Freed

Lori Larson

Sam Javna

Gideon Javna

Jeff Cheek

Taylor Clark

Jonathan Lee F.

Howard Richler

Matt Marchese

Abby McGowen

Maggie Javna

Allen Orso

Mike Nicita

Georgine Lidell

Bernadette Bailie

Paul Stanley

Randy Apa

Barb Porshe

Paula Leith

JJWPR Gunnels

Samuel Hartstein

David Hartstein

Mustard Press

Project A

Ricky Meatball

Sarah Cribb

Independent Printing Co.

Digital Image Graphics

Bill Zurynetz

Briana Bergman

Andrea Freewater

Liz Stahlman

Thomas Crapper

Porter

Marley & Catie Pratt

Hi to Dee and Kellar!