Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (56 page)

THE STAR:
Kenneth Lakeberg, 25, father of Amy and Angela Lakeberg, conjoined or “Siamese” twins.

THE HEADLINE:
Family Faces Fears with Faith.

WHAT HAPPENED:
In 1993, Lakeberg’s wife gave birth to twins who shared one heart and one liver. Their prognosis was bleak—both children were certain to die if they were not separated and one would surely die if they were. The Lakebergs decided to have the surgery. Angela was the healthiest of the twins, so she was the one doctors fought to save. The twins’ plight, and the ethical issues surrounding the sacrifice of one’s life to save the other, generated national attention. Thousands of dollars of donations poured in to help the financially strapped family pay for the surgery.

AFTERMATH:
Within days, the story turned sour: Kenneth Lakeberg was revealed to have spent $8,000 of the contributions on a car, expensive meals, and $1,300 on a three-day cocaine binge before the surgery. “We ate at nice places,” he explained. “We travelled good. I think we deserved at least that much.” Later, Lakeberg spent time in and out of jail on a variety of charges, including stealing a friend’s car. When Angela died in June 1994, he was in a drug rehab program, and his wife had to bail him out of jail so he could attend the funeral.

THE STARS:
Big Edie and Little Edie Beale, the aunt and cousin of Jaqueline Kennedy.

THE HEADLINE:
Filmmakers Find Two Nuts in Bouvier Family Tree

WHAT HAPPENED:
In 1961, Big Edie and Little Edie Beale, members of Jackie Bouvier Kennedy’s family, travelled to Washington D.C. to attend John Kennedy’s inauguration. Afterwards, they returned home to Grey Gardens, their 28-room mansion in East Hampton, New York...and never left the house again.

They were still there in 1973, living in two small rooms in an upstairs porch, along with raccoons, fleas, and dozens of cats in a “squalid” estate filled with overgrown weeds, when Jackie’s sister, Lee Radziwill, approached filmmakers Albert and David Maysles about making a film portrait of her childhood with Jackie Kennedy.

The Maysles agreed and filmed various Bouvier kin...until they got to Big Edie and Little Edie. They found the pair so interesting that they abandoned Radziwill’s project and made a film entirely about the Edies. In the film mother and daughter—surrounded by their cats sing, dance, bicker, dress in bathing suits and bath towels secured with expensive broaches, and eat ice cream and boiled corn in bed. “I saw many signs of health in the Beales,” Albert Maysles told the
Los
Angeles
Times
in 1996. “They don’t have television, they don’t drink, and they have a strong bond between them. I’ve always believed their lifestyle was their way of thumbing their noses at the aristocracy and all its snobbery.”

AFTERMATH:
Grey Gardens
was released in 1976 and was an enormous critical success. It catapulted Big Edie and Little Edie into cult superstardom. “Perry Ellis was a huge fan,” says Susan Fromke, who also worked on the film. “They used to have ‘Grey Garden’ parties with the film projected on the wall of a loft and people would wear their favorite Edie outfit.”

Big Edie died about a year after the film was released. In 1979, Little Edie sold Grey Gardens to Ben Bradlee of
The Washington Post.
“Mother told me to sell it to keep it out of Jackie’s hands,” she explained. She moved to Miami Beach and was still living there in 1998.

Here are a few random lists from the fabled BRI files.

4 PALINDROME SENTENCES (the same forward and backward)

1.
You can cage a swallow, can’t you. But you can’t swallow a cage, can you?

2.
Blessed are they that believe that they are blessed.

3.
Parents love to have children; children have to love parents.

4.
First ladies rule the state and state the rule: “Ladies first!”

THE 7 COMMANDMENTS OF ROAD RUNNER CARTOONS

1.
Road Runner cannot harm coyote.

2.
No outside force can harm coyote.

3.
Only dialogue is “Beep-Beep!”

4.
Road runner must stay on roads.

5.
All locations are in the American Southwest.

6.
All products must come from Acme Corp.

7.
Gravity, when applicable, is Coyote’s worst enemy.

—From
Chuck Amuck
(by Chuck Jones)

4 REAL-LIFE JOB INTERVIEW DISASTERS

1.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle.

2.
A job candidate said he’d never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

3.
A balding candidate excused himself and then returned wearing a full hairpiece.

4.
An applicant interrupted the questioning to phone her therapist for advice.

—From
Parade

4 WORST WARS FOR LOSS OF AMERICAN LIFE

1.
Civil War: 529,332.

2.
World War II: 405,399.

3.
World War I: 116,516.

4.
Vietnam: 54,246.

4 TERMS COINED ON “STAR TREK”

1.
Warp drive

2.
Mind meld

3.
Phaser

4.
Dilithium crystal

4 THINGS FIRST CREATED FOR THE 1960s SPACE PROGRAM

1.
Freeze-dried foods

2.
Cordless electric tools

3.
Pocket calculators

4.
Aerial photos used on TV weather reports

4 THREE STOOGES GAGS & THE SOUNDS THAT WENT WITH THEM

1.
Poke in the eyes—accompanied by a violin or ukulele pluck.

2.
Punch in the gut—kettle drum sound.

3.
Ear twist—ratchet.

4.
Curly’s knees bending—a musical saw.

Fangs a lot for checking out Part II of our section on the werewolf legend.

O
N TRIAL

Two of the best-known “werewolves” in European history are Peter Stube and Jean Grenier—famous as much for what they symbolize as for what they did. One was tortured to death; the other was confined to a mental institution. Stube lived in the 1500s; Grenier lived in the 1800s.

Peter Stube

It was big news when Stube was arrested in Cologne in 1590 and “confessed” under torture that he was a werewolf.

According to his confession, a female demon had given him a magic belt that he could use to turn into a giant wolf. For nearly 30 years, he had supposedly used this power to attack and kill villagers, livestock and even wild animals in the surrounding countryside. The townspeople accepted his confession, and he was sentenced

to have his body laid on a wheel, and with red hot burning pincers in ten places to have the flesh pulled off from the bones, after that, his legs and arms to be broken with a wooden axe or hatchet, afterward to have his head struck from his body, then to have his carcass burned to ashes.

A pamphlet describing Stube’s crimes and trial, illustrated with “gruesome” details, became a bestseller all over Europe.

Jean Grenier

By the 19th century, authorities were more enlightened about werewolves. They were skeptical when Grenier, a 13-year-old boy, “admitted” in 1849 to killing and eating “several dogs and several little girls”—all of them on Mondays, Fridays, and Sundays just before dusk, the times when he claimed to became a werewolf.

Philip Riley writes in
The Wolfman:
“The town’s lawyer asked the court to set aside all thoughts of witchcraft and lycanthropy (were-wolfism)
and...stated that lycanthropy was a state of hallucination and the change of shape existed only in the disorganized brain of the insane, therefore, not a crime for which he should be held accountable.”

Instead of sentencing Grenier to death, the judge ordered that he be confined to the monastery at Bordeaux, “where he would be instructed in his Christian and moral obligations, under penalty of death if he attempted an escape.” Grenier slid even deeper into madness and died at the monastery seven years later. He was 20.

WEREWOLF DISEASES

Centuries after werewolves “roamed” Europe, scientists have found some real “curses”—diseases and physical conditions—that may have inspired the legends.

•
Porphyria
makes a person extremely sensitive to light...which would cause them to go out only at night. It creates huge wounds on the skin—which people used to think were caused when the afflicted person ran through the woods in the form of a wolf.

•
Hypertrichosis
causes excessive growth of thick hair all over the body, including the entire face. The disease is extremely rare. Scientists estimate that as few as 50 people have suffered from the disease since the Middle Ages—but it may have contributed to werewolf legends. When the sufferer shaves off the excess hair, they appear perfectly normal—which may have contributed to the idea that people were changing into wolves. Scientists believe the disease is caused by an “atavistic genetic defect,” or a mutation that allows a long-suppressed gene to become active after thousands of years of dormancy. Human skin cells, the theory speculates, still have the ability to grow thick coats of fur that were normal thousands of years ago, but that evolutionary processes have “switched off.”

•
The belladonna plant
was once eaten as medicine or rubbed on the skin as a salve. It also has hallucinogenic qualities when eaten in large quantities; eating too much can make people think they are flying or have turned into animals.

The real reason most of us know about werewolves today is because of the Wolfman horror films.
That
story is on
page 431
.

Here are the origins of some phrases we use all the time... even when we don’t know what we’re saying.

C
OOK YOUR GOOSE

Meaning:
Destroy one’s chances or hopes.

Origin:
“From a 16th century legend: King Eric of Sweden had come to an enemy town to attack it. The town’s burghers, in a show of contempt for the king and his small band of men, hung a goose from a town tower and then sent a message to King Eric that asked, in effect, ‘What do you want?’ To cook your goose,’ came the king’s reply...whereupon the Swedes set fire to the town, cooking the goose in the process.” (From
Eatioms
, by John D. Jacobson)

BONE UP

Meaning:
Study (e.g., for an examination).

Origin:
It has nothing to do with real bones. “It refers to a publishing firm named Bohn, which put out a guide (sort of like Cliff’s Notes) in the early 20th century that helped the students pass Greek and Latin courses. Though the students called it ‘Bohn up’ at first, the term was soon changed to ‘bone up’ because of the obvious pun on ‘bonehead.’” (From
Why Do We Say...?
, by Nigel Rees)

TO PACK A WALLOP

Meaning:
Have a powerful punch or impact.

Origin:
“In modern English ‘to wallop’ means to thrash, and in noun form, a heavy blow, but originally it...was slang for ale. The verb
pack
in this expression means ‘to deliver.’” So, it was, literally, “deliver the beer.” (From
Have a Nice Day—No Problem!
, by Christine Ammer)

LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED

Meaning:
Look for something in every possible place.

Origin:
“Goes back to the battle between forces led by the Persian general Mardonius and the Theban general Polycrates in 477 B.C.

The Persian was supposed to have hidden a great treasure under his tent, but after he was defeated the victorious Polycrates couldn’t find the valuables. He put his problem to the oracle at Delphi and was told to return and leave no stone unturned. He did—and found the treasure.” (From
Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins Vol. II
, by William and Mary Morris)

TO LOWER THE BOOM ON SOMEONE

Meaning:
Attack someone unexpectedly.

Origin:
“Comes from the days when pirates—or even disgruntled sailors—would rid themselves of an annoying crew member by taking advantage of the fact that he happened to be standing near the boom—a long pole which is used to extend the bottom of the sail. The sailor would quietly loosen the lines that held the boom up and quickly let it drop. The sudden drop, along with the force of wind, would cause the boom to swing violently, crashing into the unsuspecting victim, and knocking him overboard.” (From
Scuttlebutt...
, by Teri Degler)