Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (25 page)

The unplotted plot by Wood has San Fernando Valley residents troubled by UFOs of the worst encounter. Humanoid aliens Dudley Manlove and Joanna Lee land their cardboard ship with a ninth plan to conquer the world (the first eight failed, you see). They resurrect corpses, including Vampira, Tor Johnson and Lugosi’s double. The results are unviewable except for masochists who enjoy a good laugh derived from watching folks making fools of themselves.”

—Creature Features Movie Guide Strikes Again
, by John Stanley

MASTERFUL SPECIAL EFFECTS

“The graveyard set provides the film with many of its eerie moments, thanks to a number of dead tree branches and cardboard tombstones; in one scene a policeman accidentally kicks over one of the featherweight grave markers.

“Despite the resourcefulness of the director, there are slight technical shortcomings in the final version of Plan Nine. Even Wood’s staunchest defenders will admit that the Old Master seemed to have a tough time with lighting. In one scene, as Mona McKinnon runs in horror from Bela Lugosi’s double, she goes directly from a graveyard at midnight to a nearby highway at high noon. This same confusion between night and day occurs several times in the course of the film.”

—The Golden Turkey Awards
, by Harry and Michael Medved

CHEAP, CHEAP, CHEAP

“Money was always a problem for Wood. Budgets were routinely nonexistent, forcing him to film on the cheap, scrimping...as best he could....How cheap was
Plan 9
? The flying saucers are hubcaps suspended by wires. In several scenes the movie jumps from daylight to nighttime and back. And outdoor lawn furniture doubles as bedroom furniture....In all of the literature about
Plan 9
(and there’s reams of the stuff) one question about the movie has never been answered. If Plan 9 was to revive the dead, what were the other eight plans?

—Why The People of Earth Are “Stupid,”
by Tom Mason

You already know their names. Here’s who they belonged to.

J
erome Smuckers.
Started out selling apple butter in Orrville, Ohio in 1897; in 1923 he branched out to jams and jellies.

Abraham and Mahala Stouffer.
Cleveland, Ohio restauranteurs. Their Stouffer’s restaurants were so popular that they began freezing entrees for customers to eat at home. By 1957, they were selling frozen foods in supermarkets; and by the late 1960s they were suppling frozen dinners for the Apollo space program.

John Deere.
In 1837, Deere invented the first practical steel plow, which unlike iron plows, cut through black, sticky prairie soil without bogging down in the thick muck. Today John Deere is the largest agricultural machinery manufacturer in the world.

Jack Mack.
Mack and his brother Augustus were wagon builders in Brooklyn at the turn of the century. In 1900, they built the first bus in the U. S. It was used to carry tourists around Brooklyn’s Prospect Park. The bus was so reliable—it logged more than 1 million miles over 25 years—that Jack and Augustus were swamped with orders. They and three other brothers formed the Mack Brothers Company a short time later. Jack designed the company’s first truck in 1905.

The Smith Brothers.
The first commercial typewriters were available in 1873, but it wasn’t until 1895 that someone invented a typewriter that allowed you to see the words as you were typing. When Union Typewriter Co. balked at making the new machine in 1903, Lyman, Wilbert, Monroe, and Hurlbut Smith left the company and founded the L.C. Smith Brothers Typewriting Co. In 1925 they merged with the Corona Typewriting to become Smith-Corona.

Herman Fisher and Irving Price.
Together with Helen Schelle, they founded the Fischer-Price toy company in 1930 to make toys out of Ponderosa Pine. Their first big hit: Snoopy Sniffer, a “loose-jointed, floppy-eared pull toy who woofed when you pulled his wagging spring tail,” in 1938. The company made its first plastic toys in 1949.

Believe it or not, these laws are real.

In England, it’s illegal to name your pet “Queen” or “Princess” without the Queen’s permission.

If you aren’t a member of the royal family in Japan, it’s illegal for you to own a maroon car.

In Equatorial Guinea, you can name your daughter anything you want—except Monica.

In India, women—but not men—are allowed to marry goats.

Old English law: if an object is smaller than a husband’s little finger, he can beat his wife with it.

In Canada, if a debt is higher than 25¢, it’s against the law for you to pay with pennies.

In Vancouver, British Columbia, the speed limit for tricycles is 10 miles per hour.

In Baluchistan, Pakistan, the law allows a man to “acquire” a wife by trading in his sister.

In Athens, Greece, driving on public roads while “unbathed” or poorly dressed can cost you your driver’s license.

If a man is wearing a hat in Cheshire, England, the law requires him to raise it when a funeral passes.

You can keep cows in sheds in the Northern Territories of Canada, and you can keep chickens in sheds. But you can’t keep cows
and
chickens in the same shed.

Makes sense: in London, England, it’s illegal to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in the back seat.

In Australia, the pictures of convicted drunk drivers are published in newspapers with the caption, “He’s drunk and in jail.”

Cigarettes are legal in Nicaragua; cigarette
lighters
aren’t.

Boxing is illegal in China (too brutal); capital punishment isn’t.

Here are a few of the more interesting comments author Arthur Conan Doyle had Sherlock Holmes make in his books.

“Eliminate all other factors, and the one which remains must be the truth.”

“I never guess. It is a shocking habit—destructive to the logical faculty.”

“You can never foretell what any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to.”

“As a rule, the more bizarre a thing is, the less mysterious it proves to be.”

“Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.”

“There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.”

“You know my method. It is founded on the observance of trifles.”

“It is always dangerous to reason from insufficient data.”

“Crime is common. Logic is rare.”

“Any truth is better than indefinite doubt.”

“I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues.”

“It is stupidity rather than courage to refuse to recognize danger when it is close upon you.”

“Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius.”

“I can discover facts, Watson, but I cannot change them.”

“A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman’s love, however badly he may have treated her.”

“The most difficult crime to track is the one which is purposeless.”

Here’s something else to do while you’re sitting there—exercise your mind. We’ve adapted some standard mental exercises for bathroom readers, so when you’re feeling sluggish, or just haven’t woken up yet, you can use this time to make yourself more alert.

S
TRETCH YOUR MIND

Use this exercise to warm-up or refresh your mental muscles, anytime during the day.

Complete some or all of the following seven steps. If you can, try saying them out loud.

1.
Count backwards from 100 to zero, quickly.

2.
Recite the alphabet, assigning a word for each letter (like, “A, apple; B, ball; etc.”). Do this quickly.

3.
List 20 names of men you know, assigning a number to each (“1, Brian; 2, Pete, etc.”). Quickly.

4.
Do the same thing as #3, but list 20 women you know assigning a number to each (“1, Jennifer; 2, Andrea; etc.”). Quickly.

5.
Name and number 20 foods as quickly as you can (“1, burger; 2, cookies, etc.”).

6.
(Feeling much more alert by now!) Choose one letter of the alphabet and name 20 words that begin with that letter as quickly as you can AND number them (“1, news; 2, nice, etc.”).

7.
Close your eyes and count to 20 slowly, then open them. Your mind is now geared-up to meet whatever mental challenges you might face today.

TAKE CREATIVE LEAPS

One way to become more creative is to change your normal routine. Experts say that most big shifts in our lives come from a lot of little shifts. Don’t underestimate their potential!

Try some of the following:

1.
Wipe with your opposite hand!

2.
Walk out of the bathroom backwards.

3.
If you normally flush while you’re sitting, wait until you stand up; if you normally flush standing up, do it while sitting.

4.
Put your pants on the way you normally do, paying attention to which leg you put in first. Take them off again. Put them back on using the “wrong” leg first.

5.
Turn on the faucet. Now turn it off; turn it on again, using the
other
hand.

6.
Wear your watch on the opposite wrist.

7.
Brush your teeth with the opposite hand.

...Or come up with some more of your own.

MENTAL SPRINT

Helps increase creativity and sharpness.

1.
Flip to any other page in this book (make sure you dog-ear or leave your finger on this one so that you can find it again).

2.
Select the first noun that you see on that page (e.g., “ball”).

3.
Look at your watch.

4.
For the next minute or two (or longer), list as many words or phrases that you can relate to that noun (“ball: bounce, play, games, red, etc.”). Don’t stop to think or analyze, just go as quickly as you can.

To enhance results, do this exercise aloud...if you dare.

AND IF NONE OF THESE WORK...

Here are some good excuses for sleeping on the job:

1.
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

2.
“Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”

3.
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

4.
“Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

A few bits of info we’ve put aside to entertain you.

P
URVIS’ FOLLY

“The first person ever to belch on national radio was Melvin Purvis, head of the Chicago office of the FBI. Purvis was the guest on a show sponsored by Fleischmann’s Yeast, in 1935, and in the middle of reading a commercial, the famed G-man emitted a loud burp. For many years thereafter, Fleischmann’s Yeast was nicknamed ‘Purvis’ Folly.’”

—The Book of Strange Facts and Useless Information
, by Scot Morris

LUCKY DOG

“The Crystal Beach Cyclone in Crystal Beach, Ontario, (sic) was once considered the most terrifying of all roller coaster rides. A nurse was kept on duty at all times. The first drop in the ride featured an 85% turn to the right that caused patrons to lose hats, coats, teeth, and wigs, and to careen into each other, sometimes cracking ribs. However, in its 20 years of existence, there was only one fatality—in 1943. A man stood up to remove his suit jacket as the coaster started. His arms locked, and he couldn’t sit back down. He was thrown from the car and run over. His heirs sued, claiming that the lap bar didn’t hold him. The judge put a dog in the coaster to test it, the dog emerged healthy and happy, and the suit was denied. Turns out, the dog, a British bulldog, belonged to the park’s maintenance supervisor and rode the coaster daily.”

—The Worst of Everything
, contributed by Paul Ruben

AMERICAN KNOW-HOW

“A baby conceived with the help of a $2.95 turkey baster was born on Mother’s Day. Julie Johnson, 34, of Cary, N.C., volunteered to be a surrogate mother for her sister, Janet, after Janet’s $15,000 in vitro failed. So Julie stood on her head and received the sperm via the sterilized kitchen baster. “I figured gravity couldn’t hurt,” she said. Her sister added, “We’re going to be completely honest with the kid. We’ll tell him Aunt Julie had to have him because we couldn’t.