Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (37 page)

 

ON THE SCREEN:
It’s a famous TV moment: the 1973 episode of
The Brady Bunch
in which Peter throws a football and hits Marcia (Maureen McCormick) in the face, severely damaging her nose and ruining her school dance plans.

IN REAL LIFE:
On February 9, 1973, the night the episode aired, McCormick left the Burbank, California, studio where
The Brady Bunch
taped. On her way home, she got into a car accident; on impact, McCormick smashed her nose into the steering wheel.

 

ON THE SCREEN:
The last season of
The West Wing
(2005–06) followed a fictional presidential election. Despite predictions that the established candidate, Bob Russell (Gary Cole), would win the Democratic nomination, he’s edged out by upstart Mexican-American Matt Santos (Jimmy Smits). The Republican nominee is decided early: prickly Senator Arnold Vinick (Alan Alda) appeases his party by choosing the staunch conservative governor of a small state (West Virginia) as his running mate.

IN REAL LIFE:
In the 2008 presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton was assumed to be the Democratic nominee until African-American Barack Obama beat her in the final days of the primary. Republican John McCain, labeled a “maverick” for often breaking with his party, locked up the nomination early. His running mate: Sarah Palin, the conservative governor of a small state (Alaska).

 

ON THE SCREEN:
The scheme used by Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) in 1983’s
Superman III
to steal thousands of dollars in tiny increments was based on the real-life “salimi technique” of embezzling. In the 1999 comedy
Office Space
, the main characters attempt the same kind of scheme, even referencing
Superman III.
IN REAL LIFE:
In 2007 Michael Largent, 22, created thousands of fake accounts with E-trade, which sends each new account a “micro amount” of a few cents. He’d made $50,000 before the FBI captured him, tipped off because he used cartoon names—including “Hank Hill,” created by Mike Judge, who wrote
Office Space.

 

• “9 to 5,” by Dolly Parton.
The song is about working in an office…so the song’s rhythm was provided by typewriter noises. (Parton came up with the idea when she was tapping her acrylic fingernails on a table and thought it sounded like a typewriter.)

 

• “Sailing,” by Christopher Cross.
With this song, Cross became the only performer to ever win all four major Grammy awards: best new artist, album of the year, record of the year, and song of the year.

• “Start Me Up,” by the Rolling Stones.
When they initially recorded it as a reggae song in 1975, the Stones hated it. They decided to rework it as a straight-ahead rock song in 1981, and it became the band’s last smash hit, peaking at #2.

 

•
“I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do),” by Hall and Oates.
One of the first pop songs (and the first #1 pop hit) to use a drum machine. Michael Jackson later thanked Daryl Hall for allowing him to steal the song’s drum-and-bass hook for his hit “Billie Jean.”

 

• “Eye of the Tiger,” by Survivor.
It was used as the theme to
Rocky III.
Director/star Sylvester Stallone wanted to use Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” but couldn’t get the rights, so he commissioned Survivor to write this one.

 

• “Holiday,” by Madonna.
Her first hit single. It was originally written for ex-Supreme Mary Wilson, who turned it down.

 

• “Beat It,” by Michael Jackson.
Eddie Van Halen is widely credited with performing the guitar part. He just performs the solo; the rest was done by Steve Lukather of Toto.

 

• “Stand Back,” by Stevie Nicks.
Nicks wrote this song right after hearing Prince’s “Little Red Corvette.” When she told Prince about it, he agreed to play synthesizer on “Stand Back.”

 

• “Born in the USA,” by Bruce Springsteen.
It’s not a patriotic anthem—the ironic chorus follows verses about the poor treatment of Vietnam veterans. Nevertheless, President Ronald Reagan wanted to use it at rallies, and Chrysler offered Springsteen $12 million to use it in commercials. (Springsteen refused both.)

 

• “Caribbean Queen,” by Billy Ocean.
Different versions were recorded for release to different parts of the world, including “European Queen” and “African Queen.”

 

• “Uptown Girl,” by Billy Joel.
His girlfriend and future wife Christie Brinkley appeared in the video, but actually Joel wrote the song before they met. It was about how strange he felt going from a married nobody to a newly divorced pop star who could attract models, including 6’0” Elle MacPherson. (Joel is 5’5 ½”.)

 

• “We Are the World,” by USA For Africa.
Prince was scheduled to participate in the all-star charity record but didn’t show up. He later offered to add a guitar solo, but producer Quincy Jones turned him down. The lines Prince was supposed to sing solo were performed by Huey Lewis.

 

•
“Footloose,” by Kenny Loggins.
Ironically, Loggins wrote this song about moving when he couldn’t—he was laid up in a hotel room recovering from broken ribs suffered in a fall from a stage.

 

• “Summer of ’69,” by Bryan Adams.
It’s about nostalgia; Adams himself was 10 years old in 1969.

 

• “Rock Me Amadeus,” by Falco.
The only German-language song to hit #1 in the United States (although the three-word chorus is in English).

 

• “Faith,” by George Michael.
The opening organ line is a version of “Freedom,” a 1984 hit by Michael’s group Wham!

 

• “La Bamba,” by Los Lobos.
This cover of the 1958 Ritchie Valens song (for the soundtrack of the 1987 Valens biographical movie
La Bamba
) was the first—and to date, only—song sung in Spanish to go to #1. (It’s also the only chart hit for Los Lobos.)

 

• “Foolish Beat,” by Debbie Gibson.
With this song, the 16-year-old Gibson became the youngest person to ever write, produce, and perform a #1 hit.

In March 2009, Indianapolis postal carrier Jackie Jefferson was substituting on another carrier’s route. Having been on the job for only a few months, Jefferson approached a house and heard a fire alarm beeping from inside. Then she heard someone calling for help. “It was instinctive,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking. I puffed up my nerves and did it. I can’t believe it happened.” What did she do? Jefferson dropped her mailbag, ran in to the burning living room, found an 80-year-old woman sitting in a wheelchair, and pushed her outside. Seconds later, flames started billowing out the front door. The victim was treated at a hospital, and Jefferson went on to finish her daily rounds.

Eleven-year-old David Murphy’s school bus was stopped at a Cleveland, Ohio, gas station one day in 2008. The bus driver was in the restroom—he’d left the 27 grade-school students unattended, left the engine running, and neglected to put on the parking brake. While the kids waited, the bus began to roll out of the parking lot, picking up speed as it headed downhill on a crowded two-lane road. Kids were screaming, and some even jumped out of the moving bus. But David jumped into the driver’s seat…only to see a grim situation: A semitruck, horn blaring, was coming straight for them. There was no room to veer left, and ahead on the right were four concrete bridge supports. Beyond the underpass, there was nothing to stop the bus except for the Cuyahoga River, at the bottom of a very long hill. David grabbed the wheel and steered to the right, barely avoiding the semi. He then steered the bus toward the last bridge support and dove behind the driver’s seat just before impact. The bus hit the barrier hard, and a lot of students were shaken up—including David—but there were no serious injuries. The bus driver was fired and charged with several offenses. A shy kid, David later admitted that he didn’t tell anyone what he did at first because he was afraid he’d get into trouble for driving the bus.

According to one school of fortune-telling, the mole’s position on your body is the most important thing—not its color, shape, or texture. Some moles portend good luck, happiness, and a long life. Some others…well, be sure to read
all
of your moles, so that the lucky ones offset the unlucky ones to give you a fuller sense of what life has in store for you. Here are the mole basics.

• On the right side of the forehead:
You’re active, hard-working, and passionate. You’ll have a successful life, marry happily, and at least one of your children will go far in the world.

• On the right eyebrow:
You’re courageous, gallant, and persevering and will succeed in love, war, business, and anything else you set your mind to. You’ll marry well, have children who love you, and die of old age. The only catch: You’ll die far from home.

• On the left forehead or eyebrow:
You’re moody, lazy, and prone to alcoholism and debauchery. You’re also a coward who will probably spend time in jail and experience extreme poverty. Just about everything you attempt in life will end in failure, including your miserable marriage (to a foul-tempered spouse) and your relationship with your irresponsible, ungrateful children.

• On the outside corner of either eye:
You’re sober, honest, and steady, and have a fulfilling love life. You will experience many ups and downs in your life, and though you will keep poverty at bay, you’ll die a violent, painful death.

• On either cheek:
You’re sober, hard-working, generous, and courageous. You’ll have a rewarding love life and will be moderately successful careerwise, avoiding poverty but never accumulating
much wealth either. Your marriage will be a happy one and produce two children, both of whom will eclipse your success.

• On your nose:
You’re loyal and passionate to a fault, strong, honest, and courageous. You’ll win the respect of your community, marry well, have a happy family life, and travel widely, especially by water. Your biggest fault: You drink too much.

• On your lips:
You’re sober and restrained, except where love is concerned. You will have great financial and romantic success and will rise above your present station in life. Not everything will come easily, but if you strive, you will prevail.

• On your chin:
You’re calm and happy and have a bright future ahead of you. You’ll be rich in money and friends and will have a happy marriage and children who love you. But you’ll also suffer losses at home, at sea, and in foreign countries. So beware!

• On your left shoulder:
You’re an argumentative person who gets in a lot of fights. You lose your temper often and over the slightest little things. But on the other hand, you’re a passionate person and faithful to your mate. You won’t have lots of highs in life, but you won’t have a lot of lows either. You’ll have lots of children. One more thing: Avoid travel over water.

• On your right shoulder:
You’re prudent, wise, and trustworthy. You’re also a little sneaky, and though you work hard, you lack passion. You’re likely to find great wealth and power in your career, and you’ll have lots of friends. Expect to take a long trip to a foreign country in your mid-thirties or early forties.

• On your torso:
You have an even temper, but you also have a cowardly streak. You’re passionate but unfaithful; whatever health and wealth you accumulate in life will slip away in later years. And your kids are going to drive you nuts.

• On your loins:
You may be very successful in business, but don’t lend out your money! For all the wealth you accumulate in life, you stand to lose much of it by lending it to fair-weather friends who are out to take advantage of you.

In 1994 several horses on the farm of Vic Rail, a celebrated trainer in Brisbane, Australia, stopped eating and became ill. A few days later, 13 of the stable’s 23 horses were dead. Then Rail, whose work to save the horses included force-feeding them by pushing food down their throats, got sick. Within a week he was dead. News that he’d died of the same illness that had killed the horses sent a panic through Brisbane’s horse-racing community (not to mention the medical community). It took a year to find out what had happened, but a virus related to canine distemper and human measles—and unknown to science at the time—was finally identified as the cause. Carried by fruit bats, which aren’t harmed by it, the virus becomes deadly in larger animals. It’s known as the
Hendra
virus today, named after the Brisbane suburb where Rail’s farm was located. There have been eight more outbreaks since then, all in Australia, killing 12 more horses and one more human.