Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (69 page)

More proof that crime doesn't pay
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“An Illinois woman, when asked to walk a straight line after being pulled over for weaving across a highway divider, told the state trooper, “You'll have to give me a little longer. This is tougher when you've been drinking.”

—Bloomington-Normal
Daily Pantograph

HELSINGBORG, Sweden—“A 20-year-old man developed what he thought to be a foolproof robbery plan. He hid in a store, waited for employees to leave for the night, and proceeded to rob the place. All was going according to plan until, as he was stuffing items in a sack, he realized he was locked in the store. He tried using a crowbar to open the front door and then attempted to break through a wall in the restrooms, but to no avail. He finally gave up and called the police.”

—Bizarre News

SAN JOSE, California—“According to the Department of Corrections, Arnold Ancheta, 25, apparently escaped from Elmwood Correctional Facility by squeezing through the bars on the roof of his cell, breaking out through the skylight, and jumping down from the roof. But then, instead of heading toward the fence that leads to the road, he jumped a smaller fence and ended up on the women's side of the facility. Female inmates saw Ancheta running around the yard and alerted correctional officers. He was taken to a hospital and then back to jail.”

—
San Diego
Union-Tribune

“A bank robber in Fresno, California, made a withdrawal from his own account, then demanded all the money in the bank vault. When they told him it would take 15 minutes to empty the vault,
he went outside to wait patiently on the curb, according to police, who found him sitting there, still waiting.”

—Fresno Bee

“In Lafayette, Louisiana, a man robbed a bank with his head covered in whipped cream. His disguise melted before he could collect the loot, however, and he was later arrested.”

—“The Edge,”
The Oregonian

“Gilbert MacConnell went to the West Hartford, Connecticut, police station in February 2002 for a job interview. He wanted to become a cop. MacConnell, age 35, had already passed the written exam, the oral exam, and the physical agility test. But during an interview with police chief James Strillacci, MacConnell admitted owning an unlicensed gun. Officers found the .45-caliber handgun in his car. ‘Does this mean I'm not getting the job?' he asked as he was booked and charged with carrying a pistol without a permit and having a concealed weapon in a car. He didn't get the job.”

—Hartford Courant

“Los Angeles sheriff's deputies investigating the break-in of a sewing shop discovered the theft of a large industrial sewing machine, then noticed a thick thread snagged on the floor. They followed the thread out the door, down the alley, across the street, through a backyard, up some steps, and under a door. After kicking in the door, they discovered the sewing machine in the kitchen and nabbed three surprised thieves.”

—Maxim

“When John Michell's home was broken into, he did what anyone would do—he called the police. To distinguish his prints from the crook's, citizen Michell allowed investigators to fingerprint him. Police quickly discovered that Michell himself had been wanted for burglary for three years. Michell is now serving a 12-month sentence.”

—Fortean Times

She was called the “people's princess.” Beautiful, kind, and caring, Princess Diana captured the hearts of people around the world. But she was also outspoken and, in the eyes of some very powerful people, a troublemaker. Her worst “offense” may have been her love affair with Egyptian millionaire Dodi Al-Fayed. When the princess and her lover died in a tragic car crash, many were quick to wonder whether it was really an accident
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T
he Deceased:
Diana, Princess of Wales

How She Died:
In the early hours of Sunday, August 31, 1997, a black Mercedes S280 carrying Princess Diana and her soon-to-be fiancé Dodi Al-Fayed left the Paris Ritz Hotel. The pair were on their way to Dodi's Paris apartment. In the front seat Dodi's bodyguard, Trevor Rees-Jones, sat beside the driver, Henri Paul, deputy chief of security at the Ritz. As usual, Diana's vehicle was pursued by “paparazzi”—tabloid photographers with the reputation of doing anything to get a lucrative photograph. At least one photographer was snapping pictures from the back of a high-powered motorcycle.

Minutes later the Mercedes entered the Place de L'Alma tunnel. Some eyewitnesses report hearing an explosion, then a crash. Many of the first people to arrive after the crash described a grisly scene—photographers crowding within inches of the crumpled car, which had hit a support pillar, shooting pictures of the dying princess and the other bloodied victims.

Dodi and Henri Paul were killed instantly. Diana was taken by ambulance to a hospital, where she died three and a half hours after the crash. The only survivor was Trevor Rees-Jones—the one person in the car who had fastened his seatbelt.

Early reports blamed the crash on the paparazzi. According to stories, Henri Paul was driving at high speeds trying to evade them. Or perhaps he was blinded by a flash and swerved into the pillar. An outraged public accused the photographers not only of causing the crash, but also of interfering with the efforts of rescue
personnel. (A doctor who came upon the wreck about a minute after the crash says those reports are false—the photographers were not obstructing efforts to help the victims.)

Several photographers and a motorcyclist were detained for investigation. The photographers admitted to the chase but denied any responsibility for causing the crash. According to them, the Mercedes had outrun them before they got to the tunnel. They were quickly released.

A blood test on the driver, Henri Paul, raised other possibilities. He had more than three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood, as well as the antidepressant Prozac. Inexplicably, there were also high levels of carbon monoxide.

Was the crash caused by a mix of zealous photographers and a drunk driver? For some, including French officials who concluded their investigation two years later, it was simply a tragic accident. But others remain convinced there's more to the story.

Was Diana pregnant?
Almost immediately after the crash, rumors began to circulate that Diana had been six weeks' pregnant with Al-Fayed's child. She had hinted to the press earlier that she was going to “surprise” them. Could she have been planning to announce her engagement or her pregnancy—or both? One person who believes both is Dodi's father, billionaire businessman Mohamed Al-Fayed. He has charged that the CIA has tapes from phone taps indicating that Diana was pregnant, and that she and Dodi intended to marry.

An autopsy, which may have revealed the truth, was not performed until her body was returned to England. When asked if Diana had been pregnant, the coroner replied, “No comment.”

Why was there no traffic-camera video of the Mercedes?
Paris has one of the most sophisticated video traffic surveillance systems in the world. When Mohamed Al-Fayed asked to see the tapes from the 17 cameras that covered the route the Mercedes took from the Ritz to the tunnel, French officials told him no tapes existed for those cameras at that time. What would the video have shown?

Why did the Mercedes take an indirect route to Dodi's apartment?
The tunnel where the Mercedes crashed was not on the
most direct route between the Ritz and Dodi's apartment. An eyewitness reports seeing a car blocking an exit, forcing the Mercedes to take the road through the tunnel.

Was Henri Paul hired to keep Diana and Al-Fayed under surveillance?
A former British intelligence agent claims Henri Paul was an informant for MI6, the British equivalent of the CIA. There are reports that Paul had multiple bank accounts with balances that are hard to explain, based on his salary as a security officer at the Ritz. Was Paul an expendable part of the network keeping track of Diana and Al-Fayed?

Was Henri Paul really drunk?
According to one expert, to account for the amount of alcohol reportedly in Paul's blood, he would have had to drink the equivalent of 10 ounces of whisky (eight shots) within a few hours of leaving the hotel—uncharacteristic behavior according to friends and co-workers. On security camera tapes recorded just before the Mercedes left the hotel, Paul does not appear drunk. His co-workers have also testified that he was not drunk, nor did he have a reputation for heavy drinking.