Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (34 page)

Josh Billings was the pen name of humorist Henry Wheeler Shaw,
born in 1818 in Massachusetts. In 1860 Shaw started writing
homespun philosophies using rural dialect. In his day, Josh Billings
was better known than his contemporary Mark Twain. Here are
a few bits of Billings's “wizdum” in their original dialect. (By
the way, the term “joshing” comes from…Josh Billings.)

“Thare iz nothing that yu and I make so menny blunders about, and the world so few, az the aktual amount ov our importance.”

“Yung man, set down, and keep still—yu will hav plenty ov chances yet to make a phool ov yureself before yu die.”

“He who reads and don't reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don't exercise.”

“We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and menny wonder at hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, what menny a man haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work tew live on a pedigree.”

“Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach.”

“Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance.”

“Genius after all ain't enny-thing more than elegant kommon sense.”

“Too mutch branes iz a hindrance to a bizzness man.”

Q:
“How fast duz sound travel?”

A:
“This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn, for instance, travels a half a mile in a seck-oned, while an invitashun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters ov an hour giong up two pair ov stairs, and then not hav strength enuff left tew be heard.”

“About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.”

“It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don't kno.”

“The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.”

Uncle John actually fell in love at first sight. So smooth
and shiny. Those perfect proportions. That beautiful
white…porcelain. You thought we were talking
about Mrs. Uncle John? Oh, yeah. Her too
.

You're looking around a crowded room, and your eyes meet the eyes of another. Pow! A shock runs through your whole body! Are you in love? Maybe. Read on to find out. That jolt isn't imaginary. Scientists say that part of your brain actually perks up when you exchange looks with a person you consider attractive.

And just how did they discover that? British researchers used a special helmet to scan the brains of 16 volunteers (8 men and 8 women). Wearing an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) helmet, each volunteer looked at 160 photos of 40 complete strangers.

In some photos, the strangers were looking directly at the camera—which made them appear to be looking directly at the volunteer. In others, the stranger's eyes were turned away.

As the photos went flashing by—one every 3.5 seconds—the helmets recorded which part of the volunteer's brain was active. After the brain scan was finished, the volunteers went back to the pictures and rated each one for attractiveness. The results of the experiment were published in 2001 in
Nature
magazine.

Every time a volunteer saw an attractive person looking right at them, the volunteer's ventral striatum lit up—that part of the brain is linked to the anticipation of a reward. But when the stranger in the photo was looking away, the magic didn't happen; there was much less brain activity, no matter how attractive the person in the photo. The researchers attributed that to disappointment—the volunteer had failed to make eye contact with an attractive face.

The brain response happened fast—in just nanoseconds.
Researchers think this means that it's automatic, that we're all wired for that kind of reaction.

Does this mean that everybody responds to certain kinds of looks? The leading researcher, Dr. Knut Kampe of the Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience in London, commented that we all might naturally respond to people who look strong and healthy. That could be connected with survival. But Kampe said that each of the volunteers defined attractiveness in different ways, and conventional beauty wasn't the only important thing. Some looked for cheerfulness, others for a face that seemed to show empathy. Some even looked for motherliness.

So does it mean that love at first sight is real? Can we expect to instantly recognize our perfect mate? Probably not. Consider the following:

• Seeing a certain someone can get your brain buzzing—but so can seeing food when you're hungry. The ventral striatum that responded to the photos is the same area that lights up in hungry lab animals who think they're about to get fed. Gamblers and drug addicts have the same kind of reaction to the objects of their desire. That part of your brain gets excited when it expects
any
kind of reward.

• The brain's quick response helps explain why we make snap judgments about people we meet. But first impressions can be wrong.

• The same brain area lit up for any attractive face—no matter whether it was the opposite sex or the same sex as the volunteer. Researchers think that's because attractiveness often gets associated with social status. So maybe your brain assumes that hanging out with attractive people could improve your position. (In the case of monkeys, bonding with an animal higher up in the pecking order brings increased social status.)

So if you're expecting a future with someone based on the jolt you got when your eyes met—slow down. You'll have to engage some other part of your brain to find out whether the two of you actually get along.

More random questions, with answers
from the nation's top trivia experts
.

Q:
Will you spread poison ivy if you touch the blisters?

A:
“Good news: you can't spread poison ivy by touching (or even breaking) the blisters. The belief that poison ivy spreads through the bloodstream is equally false.

“Why do blisters appear on different parts of the body days after the first signs? It probably wasn't just your skin that came in contact with the plant—it was also your clothing, gardening tools, etc. If it isn't washed off, the oil or resin from the plant can last almost indefinitely. If you're unaware you've encountered poison ivy (it takes two to four days for the first red spots to show), the resin could have been spread.

“Is there anything you can do to stop the spread? Yes. If you know you've just walked through a patch of poison ivy, wash the resin off immediately with soap and water. This also holds true for poison oak and poison sumac.” (From
Old Wives' Tales,
by Sue Castle)

Q:
I
always thought yams and sweet potatoes were the same thing
. However,
when I asked for the yams at a recent family gathering, I was informed by one of my snotty cousins that no yams were on the menu
.

A:
“Sorry, but your cousin is right. Contrary to what some grocery store produce guys may think, yams and sweet potatoes are unrelated vegetables, though in both cases you're eating the root of a tropical vine. Sweet potatoes,
Ipomoea batatas (batata
is the original Taino name, whence ‘potato'), are an American plant of the morning glory family, whereas yams are of the genus
Dioscorea
. Yams, which are rarely seen in the United States and Canada but are a staple in tropical regions, can grow up to seven feet in length. The name is thought to derive from the West African word
nyami
, ‘to eat.'” (From
The Straight Dope,
by Cecil Adams)

Tired of reading palms? Sick of tea leaves? Ouija bored? Uncle John predicted that you would be. If you have a pair of dice lying around, here's another way to tell your fortune
.

Have you ever played Yahtzee or rolled dice in a bar? In Victorian England, people known as “dicers” told fortunes by tossing dice from a small cup held in their left hands. Telling fortunes with two dice is known as
astragalomancy
. (Using three dice is
cleromancy
.)

Give it a try! Tossing a pair of dice around is good for a few minutes of fun even if you aren't a true believer.

• Draw a circle about 12 inches in diameter on a piece of paper.

• Decide on a question that you want answered and ask it either silently or aloud as you shake the dice in your hand or in a cup. Then throw the dice into the circle, either one at a time or both at the same time.

• Add up the numbers on both dice to get the answer to your question. Sometimes the answer is precise, sometimes it's vague. (What did you expect? This
is
fortune telling, after all.)

2—
The answer is no.

3—
If you act cautiously in the coming days, you can expect a pleasant surprise.

4—
You will have good luck when you expect it least.

5—
Your question will be answered in a surprising way.

6—
Some form of divine intervention will provide you with an answer.

7—
You will win.

8—
You already know the answer to your question (so stop playing with dice and find something better to do).

9—
If the answer is yes, it's only because of a twist of fate.

10—
Count on success!

11—
Stay calm, be prepared, know that fate is on your side.

12—
Regardless of what happens, you will feel content about it.

How many of your dice fell within the circle? That's part of your fortune, too:

• One die outside the circle means that you're likely to get the answer you want
eventually
but only “after your own thoughts set your wishes into motion.”

• Two dice outside the circle: You'll get the answer you want, sooner than you think.

Now here's where using dice to tell your fortune can get confusing:

• Let's say you ask the question, “Will I make a million dollars?” You want the answer to be “yes,” but your roll adds up to two, so the answer is “no.”

• But both dice land outside the circle, which means you'll get the answer you want—“
yes
” (instead of the “no” you just rolled), and you'll get that “yes” sooner than you think. But wait a minute—you just rolled a “yes”
and
a “no.” What's that supposed to mean? Does it mean maybe? Do you roll the dice again?

• Uncle John solved the problem by asking the question, “Does fortune telling with dice really work?”

He rolled a two. You're on your own.

Ailuromancy:
Observe how a cat jumps.

Sycomancy:
Write a question on a leaf, leave the leaf in the sun. “If the leaf shrivels quickly, the answer is no.” Otherwise the answer is yes.