Twice Loved (11 page)

There I finally admit it. I was always so busy putting on the brave face. Pretending nothing bothered me. At times I even convinced myself. Those last months when I was focused on Steve well it gave me a lot of time to think. I realized that I couldn’t be with Tate again in an open relationship. It barely worked for me the first time.

“It’s just fun Lori.”

“No Haley it’s not. I fell in love with him….”

She pauses her eyes grow wide with surprise. I know she didn’t expect me to admit that.

“How? When? Why didn’t you say anything?”

How do I answer that? I knew I cared and loved him when we were together but it wasn’t until I left him I realized I was in love with him. “I didn’t realize it until I ended things. At the time Steve was my only focus.”

“Oh…" She looks uncomfortable. Like she feels bad now for bringing it up.

“Hey it’s okay you didn’t know.” I reassure my friend. I turn the conversation to her and Jake to get rid of the awkwardness that has fallen between us. “You told Jake yet?” I smile as she sighs visibly, a silly grin covering her face.

“I texted him. Told him let’s do it. We’re supposed to talk when he gets off work tonight.”

“I’m so happy for you. You deserve this.”

Unlike me, Haley deserves a happy ending. She has been the best girlfriend to Jake. I don’t care that Steve told me to find someone while he was still alive. I don’t care he didn’t judge me or blame me for turning to Tate for several months during his illness. Steve was a bigger person than I am. I’m not sure I could have been as understanding if our roles were reversed.

“You love him and from what I have seen and heard he loves you. Give him a chance. Don’t throw away a second chance for you.”

“Steve I can’t talk about this with you.”

He lies in the hospital bed in what used to be our dining room. He is pale and lost so much weight. It breaks my heart to see him so sick. Knowing there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only be here with him until the end.

“You listen to me Lori. A man like that can change for a woman like you.”

“It doesn’t matter. I had my fun if that’s what you want to call it. Your mom…”

He sits up a little in the bed

“My mom was out of line. I plan to talk to her about it too the next time I see her.”

“Don’t fight with your mom… not now.”

“No she’s not going to call my wife a whore when I gave you the go ahead to be with the man.”

I sigh. I climb into the bed with him. Careful not to hurt him. His skin bruises so easily now. His weak arms once strong still circle around me.

“I want to know you’ll be happy when I’m gone.”

“I’m sure I’ll never be happy with you gone. I may learn to exist without you but that is all I hope for.”

“You can live again. Tate may be just what you need to do it. The fact he is the opposite of me.”

HUFF! Yes I huff like a child.

“Enough no more talk. I want to enjoy this time with my husband.”

“Okay honey. I’ll stop just don’t forget this conversation.”

How could I forget the conversation when it’s seared in my brain? Steve’s optimism that Tate could change for a woman like me. I didn’t believe it for a second. I knew that since we split he has been doing his random hook up thing. I hated to think about all the women he had been with since I left him.

I still question what Tate saw in me all those months. I was the polar opposite of his normal type. I wasn’t blonde, busty or I hate to say it trashy. What made him want to be with me? What made him love me?

Chapter Twelve

A little brown haired, brown eyed girl is stealing my heart. The first week of school passes in a whirl. Brandy just like her dad has managed to break through my defenses. I find myself staring at her sometimes in class, wistfully thinking of Tate. I should be smart and have her moved out of my room but I won’t. One I promised Tate that I would watch over her and two it was a way for me to be near Tate.

I turned into that woman. The one who clings to memories. Will I ever move on?

I’m dressing and heading over to Haley’s this morning we are going to start packing up some of the stuff she won’t need right away. Jake insisted they move into his home because it was bigger than her apartment. She didn’t fight him as her lease was up at the end of the month so the timing worked out for them.

Its lunch time when a knock sounds on the apartment door and in walks Jake and right behind him is …Tate.

Haley’s face scrunches up. She mouths silently to me. “I didn’t know.”

I shake my head at her letting her know it’s okay. I am a big girl and can be in the same room as him.

“We need to talk…” Tate says while grabbing me by my arm off the floor.

“What the fuck Tate?”

“I’m tired of you ignoring me!”

“I don’t have anything to say to you!”

He pushes me toward the hallway leading to the two bedrooms. He opens the one that Haley uses as a home office and pushes me in. He closes and locks the door behind him. The aggression is pouring off Tate. I’m pissed as hell.

“Who do you think you are?”

“The man who fucking loves you and is tired of you shutting me out.”

My insides melt. However, I don’t let my face drop. I won’t let him know that his words affect me so much.

“Why can’t you get that we don’t belong together?”

He grabs me roughly pushes me against the wall. His mouth crashes on mine. I try to fight him off but he keeps probing my lips with his tongue. It’s not long before they part for him. It’s a natural reaction.

Our mouths hungrily devour one another. The power he holds over me is insane. I’ve never felt so out of control in my life. It’s only when I’m with him. It’s like logic flies out the window. Our hands begin roaming one another’s bodies.

Finally breaking apart to catch our breath I push Tate away from me. “You have to stop doing this to me Tate.”

“Why? You want me… You love me…”

“Because I won’t be another one of your women.” Feeling much like a caged animal in this moment, I begin rubbing my temples.

The shock on his face is clear. “That’s what this is about?”

“Yes!”

“It never bothered you before.”

Sighing I move away from him. I pace the small room. This is going to be hard to open up right now. I’m still so raw from everything these last months.

“I was also married before. I’m a widow now and IF I get involved with someone again it’s going to be with someone who wants me and only me. I want the traditional relationship. I can’t do an open relationship again.”

“What if I can be that guy?”

I scoff. I believe that like I believe the grass is purple right now.

“I can be faithful.”

“Right!” The sarcasm drips heavily in my voice. His eyes cloud back from lust to anger. I’m not sure why he’s getting angry I’m just stating facts.

“I’m going to prove you wrong.”

“Uh huh.” I can’t allow myself to believe him. It would hurt too much when he lets me down.

“Be prepared Princess. I’m going to win you over. I love a fucking challenge!”

“Tate don’t!”

“Too late Princess.”

His lips crash on mine again this time the kiss is softer. No less hungry though. It’s like he’s trying to tell me something with this kiss. However, I won’t trust him. I just can’t. It doesn’t stop me from kissing him back though. I love this man. I love the way he makes me feel when we are together. I’m going to have to guard my heart carefully.

Knock knock

“Is everything okay in there?” Haley’s voice calls through the closed door.

“Everything is fine.” My voice is breathless and shaky but I try to sound as strong as I can.

“Just checking. I’ll leave you alone.”

Turning back to Tate. My face hardens. I mentally prepare myself.

“Tate just let me go…”

“Not happening Princess! You’re mine!” His body is pressed against mine. We stand so close together our breath intermingles.

“Whatever.” I turn from him reaching for the door. Tate lets me leave the room, but he follows right behind me. As we walk back into the living room Jake and Haley look at us. Jake smirks. Haley is concerned.

“I’m preparing to shock everyone.” Tate announces to no one in particular.

“How you goin’ to do that man?” Haley and I exchange a silent glance. Jake speaks to Tate as if they are the only two in the room.

“I’m goin’ to settle down find me a good woman.” His gaze travels to me “Win her over and marry the bitch.”

“You did not just say that?” I cry out in frustration.

“I did and you can’t stop me.”

“I don’t have to be with you.”

“Keep telling yourself that Princess.”

My fists ball up into the side of my legs. I am exasperated with the douchebag standing in front of me.

“Um Lori why don’t you run to the store with me?” Haley quickly calls out to stop possible bloodshed in her apartment.

“Sure.” I say a little harshly as I eye Tate. I’m so pissed at him right now. How dare he claim that shit in front of our friends.

“You can’t run from me Princess.” he gives me a lazy smirk of satisfaction.

“I’m not running asshole I’m walking away.” Once outside the apartment with Haley my body begins to shake.

“Are you okay?”

“No, why is he torturing me this way?” My hands rake through my hair as I try desperately to deal with the frustration.

“Maybe he’s serious” I give her a look. "What it’s possible?”

“I can’t take that risk with my heart.”

We walk quietly to her car. Each of us lost in our own thoughts. I can’t believe Tate just came in and grabbed me like that. Nor can I believe he announced he was going to marry me. Who the hell does he think he is? I mean seriously!

“I can ask Jake to keep Tate away when you’re around.” Haley says once we are in the car headed to the store.

“No we can’t do that to Jake. He and Tate go way back.” Honestly I’m an adult and I can be in the same room as Tate. Hopefully he can learn to be around me without the caveman bullshit.

“I don’t want you hurt by him Lori.”

Sighing I can’t disagree with her. I don’t want me hurt either but sometimes that’s just life. Life has lessons for us. Some of them easy some of them not. Steve being diagnosed with cancer was one of the hardest things I ever went through. Leaving Tate was the second hardest. I am not sure my heart can take much more.

I would rather protect myself then risk it. I might be wrong in making this choice but it’s mine to make. I’m the one who has to live with it. Not my kids, not my friends, just me. I would find happiness in being alone.

Haley pulls in and parks at the supermarket. I follow her inside still having no clue what we are here to get. She snakes around the registers and heads straight for the beer aisle. I should have known. Jake and Tate are at the house of course beer would be needed. She loads a couple cases of beer in the buggy.

“You sure you’re okay? You’re way to quiet.”

“I’ll be fine.”

I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to not let Tate affect me anymore than he already has.

As we climb back into the car, I begin preparing myself to deal with Tate. I promised Haley I would help her get this stuff packed this weekend and I would not let him cause me to back out on my friend. When we pull back into Haley’s complex I’m a little surprised to see Noah’s car parked out front of the building. Even more surprising is walking back into her apartment and seeing Olivia and Noah both.

“What are y’all doing here?” I ask my children.

“We were bored.” Olivia is the one who answers. Her eyes keep looking at Tate and back to me. I feel like I’m missing something.

“And you decided to come hang out with us?” I can’t keep the skepticism from my tone. There is something not right about this whole situation. “What am I missing?” Noah squirms in his seat. As does Olivia now I know something is up. “What the hell is going on? Y’all are squirming like you’re in trouble.”

Both of my children glance over to Tate. What has he done now? Is he bringing my kids into his sick twisted game? If so that’s not cool at all.

“I invited them over told them I was treating everyone to dinner tonight.”

“You did what?” I whip around to face Tate. My irritation level is near boiling point with this man.

“You heard me.”

I march toward Tate stopping in front of him. My body heaves as I try to control the tantrum I want unleash. “Can I talk to you in the other room?”

“NO!” he replies rather stiffly.

“Now Tate!” I don’t wait for him to reply as I march back toward Haley’s office. He’s smart and follows me with a stupid smirk on his face and a much slower pace.

“How dare you call my kids?” I say to him as I shut the door.

“I want to have dinner with you and I knew you wouldn’t say no if I invited your kids, Haley and Jake.” he has the grace to look a little sheepish.

“Unfuckingbelievable! Why won’t you just leave me alone?”

He gets right up in my face. His breath fanning across my skin. “I told you I was going to win you over, I’m going to make you believe in me.”

“Right good luck with that asshole… and don’t use my kids to do it.”

Tate continues to give me that cocky smirk of his. He looks so confidant. Strangely that is one of the things about him I love, his arrogant attitude. Pissed I am getting wet between my legs as Tate and I fight I back away from him. He steps in closer, my back hits the wall. My breathing becomes a little labored as I fight being turned on.

“You may win tonight because I don’t want to cause a scene in front of my kids but I’m so not done with you.”

“That’s good Princess because I’m far from done with you. You will come around.” He is speaking softly by my ear. It causes goosebumps to break out over my body. He stands in front of me. Not moving not letting me leave the room. “You are mine. When you get that… we won’t have a problem.”