Turn Towards the Sun: Book Three- Forever in Bloom (The Sunflower Trilogy) (3 page)

I WAKE TO a very dark room and I’m not at all sure where I’m at and why I feel so hot. As I adjust my position, I realize Enzo is wrapped tightly around me. It’s then that everything rushes back to me. The baby. My chest throbs from the sudden memory of what I lost. Our little baby is gone. Before it ever had a chance. I shift slightly trying to cool down a bit and Enzo lifts his face to mine.

“Bella, are you okay?” he asks.

“You’re awake?”

“I’ve been awake. How do you feel?”

“Hot,” I say and attempt a smile, but my lips seem incapable of forming one.

Sitting up, Enzo releases me and strokes my hair off my face. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t bear to let you go.”

“I don’t want you to. What time is it?” I ask. “When can we go home?”

Enzo glances at the clock on the wall. “It’s almost morning again,” he strokes my cheek. “We have to check on your fever and the doctor wants to examine you once more to see if…” His voice trails off as I comprehend his words.

“I know I have more to deal with. Physically,” I say.

Enzo nods his head. “Yes, I’m afraid. Dr. Warner said ideally your body will…” he shifts his eyes away briefly before looking back at me, “take care of things on its own,” he says, and I can tell he is choosing his words carefully. “Otherwise, it’s a procedure you would have to go through. I hope that is not something we have to face.”

I reach up and brush my fingers against his cheek. He turns his face and plants a soft kiss against my hand. “Ava…” his voice cracks as he speaks and I know his heart is just as broken as mine. I’m overcome by another wave of tears and lay my head against his chest. I can’t be strong. I can’t hold it together. I sob, unable to do anything else. Enzo wraps his arms around me and I know from his shaking body that he’s crying too.

“I know this hurts, amore. It’s worse than any kind of pain I’ve ever felt. I just need you to know that I love you. You are so important to me and we will find a way to get through this. The love we have is strong. As difficult as this is, we can make it to the other side.”

I burrow my body against his chest, feeling somewhat comforted by his words. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, but I do know that Enzo loves me and somehow we will find a way to wake up tomorrow morning and every day after that and keep living and loving.

A nurse taps softly on the door and enters the hospital room. “Good morning,” she says gently. “I need to check on your fever, Mrs. Milano.”

Enzo reluctantly pulls himself off the bed, rubbing my arm as the nurse approaches with her blood pressure machine. He hovers attentively as the nurse runs through all my vitals. She takes my temperature and smiles.

“Good news, your fever broke and you’re back within normal range. Your blood pressure is a little bit low, but that’s not terribly surprising, giving what you’ve been through,” she says, and rubs my arm.

“When can I leave?” I ask.

“I’ll have to let the doctor answer that. She had to make some visits this morning, but she’ll be in to see you in about an hour. How do you feel otherwise? Any bleeding?”

“I’m not sure. I haven’t been up in a few hours.”

“Well, why don’t we try to get you up and get you to the bathroom,” the nurse suggests.

She and Enzo each take one of my arms and lift me carefully from the hospital bed. My legs are so shaky that I feel like I will just fall over. I clutch Enzo’s arm to balance myself and start the short walk to my bathroom. As we approach, I start to feel cramping in my lower abdomen. I do my best to keep this knowledge to myself. When we get to the bathroom I go in alone and stare at my reflection in the mirror. The cramping has intensified. Looking down I see blood and it’s at that moment I realize that it’s happening. Gazing at my saddened face, I barely recognize the pale, sickly woman that looks back at me. I grip the sides of the sink as my body clenches with pain. Tears slide down my cheeks as my little lifeless baby begins to release from the space within me.

I walk back to the door and ask the nurse to come closer. “I think I’m going to be in here for a while,” I whisper. “I don’t want my husband to see this.”

The nurse nods her head and tells me where to find pads I can use after it’s over. I close the door and hear Enzo’s frantic voice trying to get past the nurse. He pounds on the door as I sit, painfully letting my body do what must be done.

“Please, Enzo,” I cry. “I need to do this alone.”

“Ava, my God, Ava.” I hear his tortured voice call out to me. “Let me help you.”

“You can’t. It just needs to happen. You don’t want to see this.” I don’t either, but I have no choice. I wipe my tears away and feel my body tense again. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I rock back and forth trying to deal with the pain I feel.

“I’m here for you, bella.”

“I know. Just be there when I come out. I’ll need you,” I say through my tears.

I spend what seems like days alone in this tiny hospital bathroom, listening to Enzo’s pleas to open the door. Each time a cramp courses through me, I feel another piece of me die. There could only be a few things in life worse than what is happening to me right now.

Finally, the worst of it seems to be over. I force myself to look back at what left my body, praying I can’t detect my poor little baby. All I see is what looks like a really heavy period. Sadly, in all that mess was my baby. My baby that is gone forever.

I lean against the bathroom wall and silently cry. I can’t understand why my body betrayed me in this way. What did I do to cause this? I did everything right. I took my vitamins, switched to decaf, and never lifted anything heavy. I run my hand through my hair trying to make sense of it all. Enzo practically carried me around making sure I never over exerted myself. So why did this happen to me? Why?

After cleaning myself up, I rinse my face with cold water, preparing to face Enzo. I know as soon as I see his face, I will break down again.

Opening the door, I nearly trip over my husband sitting at my feet. He looks up at me, his eyes red from tears and stress, the pain we both feel all over his handsome face. As he jumps to his feet, I collapse in his arms, both physically and emotionally exhausted. Enzo pulls me close and hugs me so tight I almost can’t breathe. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze, letting the tears I knew would come, wash over me.

“It’s over now,” I whisper.

“I’m so sorry, Ava,” he responds. “I would give anything to take this pain away from you.”

I start to speak when Dr. Warner enters the room. I can tell from her expression that the nurse updated her on what happened. “Ava dear, it’s best if you lie down. Let’s get you something to drink and some ibuprofen for the cramping.”

I nod my head and walk back to my bed with Enzo’s help. Climbing in, I become aware of just how sore my entire body is. Dr. Warner reads my chart and quickly examines me. It hurts, but at this point I don’t even care. Nothing could be worse than what has already happened to me. I want to go home, get in my bed, cuddle my puppy, and sleep.

“As long as your temperature stays normal, you should be able to go home in a few hours. I just want to get some food in you and make sure you are stable,” the doctor explains.

I nod my head and vow that I will do whatever I have to do to get the hell out of this place. Enzo’s cell phone rings and he frowns.

“It’s been ringing all morning.” He looks down at the caller ID. “It’s Cassandra.”

“Just answer it. Tell her what happened because I can’t,” I say, fighting the urge to cry again.

Enzo answers and turns his back from me, walking across the room to the window. I can’t hear him, but I know he’s doing his best to be strong. “We’ll be home soon, Cassie. Just be a friend to her. She needs one right now,” I hear Enzo say as his eyes meet mine and he ends the call. “She’s going to make a few calls on our behalf to give you a chance to rest.”

“I’m thankful for that.”

“Ava,” Enzo says, lifting my hand in his. “I love you with everything in me. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I know. It’s the only thing holding me together right now.” I lean forward and kiss his cheek. “You must be exhausted.”

Enzo shakes his head. “Nothing I’m feeling could remotely compare to what you’ve been through.”

“I just wish I knew why I got sick.”

“Ava, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. It’s not your fault you got sick.”

“I still want to understand what I can do to avoid it.”

Enzo strokes my hand. “We’ll try to understand it better over time. For now, you need to eat and rest so I can take you away from this tragic place and back to our home.”

“I want that very much.”

We look up as a nurse enters the room with a tray and sets it down on the small table attached to my bed. He lifts the lid and shows me a variety of breakfast items and then smiles sweetly at me. “Please try to eat as much as you can,” the nurse says. “You need your strength.”

I try and smile back as painful as it is. Lifting a piece of toast to my lips, I take a small bite, willing myself to swallow it. Food is the last thing I want right now, but I know they won’t let me out of here if I don’t make progress.

An hour passes as I finish my breakfast and the sun finally comes up. I’ve been here over 24 hours and want to leave. Several nurses check my vitals before Dr. Warner finally returns and looks down at my chart.

“You’re doing well, all things considered. Your fever hasn’t returned and your numbers look good. Are you ready to go home?” she asks.

“Yes,” I answer.

“Doctor,” Enzo speaks. “What does she need to do to care for herself when we get home? What can I help her with?”

“We want to keep an eye on her temperature and make sure her fever doesn’t return. If there is any heavy bleeding, I want you to call me right away. Other than that, what you both need is time to grieve and rest.” She puts the chart down and takes my hand in hers. “Ava dear, I want you to understand that, as sad as this is, it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything to cause it. These things can happen and do and it hurts, but you can recover. Your heart will heal and so will your body. There is no reason you won’t be able to get pregnant again and carry to term. If you find that you need emotional support outside of your husband and your family, I have a therapist I can recommend that specializes in helping women work through this type of loss.”

I nod my head. I can’t imagine wanting to talk about this with anyone. I don’t even want to think about it. Besides, Enzo is everything I need emotionally.

“Can I go home now, doctor?” I ask.

“Yes, you can. I’ll call in a few hours to check on you.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Enzo says as he helps me out of the bed again. I dress carefully, my body still sore from the ordeal I endured. We check out and a nurse forces me to sit in a wheelchair while Enzo gets the car. The hospital doors slide open and the bright sun momentarily blinds me. I lift my hand to shield my eyes and am reminded of when I first met Enzo. Unbelievably that wasn’t even a year ago. So much has happened since then. Overwhelming happiness and nearly unbearable tragedy.

Enzo helps me into the passenger seat and I sink down into the cool leather seat, thankful to finally be heading home. He slides in beside me and strokes my hair as I put my sunglasses on, before putting the car into gear and driving us home. I sense his eyes on me, shifting back and forth from the road to where I sit. I wish I could tell him I was fine, and that I was going to be okay. I wish I could ask him not to worry, but quite honestly I don’t know if any of it is true. Am I going to be okay? At this moment, it doesn’t feel like it.

Leaning back in my seat, I close my eyes and try to fight back the tears that threaten to fall again. As if the pain in my heart wasn’t bad enough, the cramps wracking my body continually remind me of my failure. The only thing I could give Enzo, I lost. I release a loud sob even though I don’t want to. Enzo turns to me and grabs my hand, but I turn away. It’s just too much. I hear the blinker on the car indicating a turn and look up to see Enzo pulling into a parking lot.

“Amore, look at me,” he says, his accented voice soft and soothing.

I shake my head, fearing that I will simply collapse in a pool of tears if I see his face.

“Ava, please.”

I force myself to look at him and flinch when he lifts my sunglasses from my face. His hands cup my face and he uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears that stream down my cheeks.

“Ava, my love,” he starts. “I love you so much. Do you understand that? Do you know I would do anything for you? All that matters right now is that we are together. You and me. We can make it through anything.”

“I know you love me. I love you too,” I sob. “I can’t even explain how bad I hurt right now. I want our baby back.”

“I do too, but that can’t happen. We have to look forward. There is more happiness for us around the corner.” Enzo leans in and kisses my forehead. “I know there is.”

“How do you know?”

“Because every moment of my life since I met you has been amazing. Even when the bad things happened, knowing I had you and your incredible love got me through it. You have my heart and I will do everything in my power to return the smile to your beautiful face.”

I lift my eyes to his and lean in closer. His arms wrap around me and I cry as I lay against his chest. I feel his kisses in my hair and scoot a little closer. It does feel incredible to be in his arms.

“Let me get you home, amore. We’ll get you back into bed and I’ll get you everything you need to start to heal.” He lifts my chin so he can see my eyes, placing a gentle kiss on my lips. “I love you, Ava. I always will no matter what the future brings.”

“I know.”

Enzo returns to driving and a short time later we pull up to the house. I know as soon as I see Cass I’m going to start bawling again. As Enzo pulls into the garage, I do my best to summon what little bit of strength I have left. Enzo opens my door and we walk into the house.

Maximus runs down the hall towards us, excited his people are home. I kneel down and wrap my arms around the rambunctious pup, thankful for the small amount of joy he provides. I look up to see Cassie standing at the end of the hall, her eyes rimmed red. Even the great and powerful Cass is hurt by this event. She waves at me and wipes her cheek. Standing, I walk towards her and without words, she pulls me into a sisterly embrace and I let myself cry again, my body crumbling against her as we slide to the floor. Within moments, I feel Enzo’s arms around me too, and the three of us sit there on the floor hugging and crying together.