TTFN (22 page)

zoegirl:

angela, you awake? what time is it there, like 7:30 in the morning?

SnowAngel:

awake, yeah, but glendy's dad is gonna be here to pick me up any minute. what's up?

zoegirl:

angela, maddie texted me last night when she was stoned. it was *awful*

SnowAngel:

she was stoned? how could u tell?

zoegirl:

it was impossible not to. she kept going on about these random things and none of her sentences made sense and it was just scary. it's like she wasn't even herself.

SnowAngel:

yikes

zoegirl:

i know. it's one thing to suspect that she's playing around with being a pothead, but it's another to see it in action. i didn't like it, angela.

SnowAngel:

did u tell her that?

zoegirl:

no, because there was no point. she was *stoned*

SnowAngel:

well, r u gonna tell her today?

zoegirl:

i saw her before homeroom, and i just played it cool. but she had to have known that something was up.

SnowAngel:

not necessarily. ppl see what they wanna see.

SnowAngel:

crap, mr. boss just pulled up in front of our apartment. TELL HER, ZOE! SHARING MEANS CARING!

zoegirl:

hi, maddie. i have to tell you something.

mad maddie:

yeah, wazzup? did u catch mary kate's brit-speak today?

zoegirl:

it's not about mary kate. it's about u.

mad maddie:

meaning?

zoegirl:

meaning that i'm worried about you. it's been like this unspoken thing between us—even though i've noticed you feel quite comfortable telling *angela* about it—but i don't want to shove it under the rug anymore.

mad maddie:

shove what under the rug?

zoegirl:

think about it: with the whole doug thing, i didn't tell angela because i didn't want to upset her, and of course that just made everything worse.

zoegirl:

maybe friends *have* to upset each other once in a while. maybe that's what being a real friend means.

mad maddie:

is this about the other night? i was just messing with u, u know that.

zoegirl:

no, you weren't. u were … freaky, maddie.

zoegirl:

it scared me.

mad maddie:

oh please. ur such an old woman.

zoegirl:

i'm an old woman because i don't want you smoking pot?

zoegirl:

you weren't YOU, maddie. you could hardly string three words together.

mad maddie:

zoe, chill. THIS is why i never bring it up with u.

zoegirl:

no, you never bring it up with me because you don't want anyone pointing out that it's wrong!

mad maddie:

it's “wrong”? smoking pot is “wrong”? when did U get to be the morality police?

zoegirl:

it's wrong because it's bad for you—and you know it

mad maddie:

says who?

mad maddie:

u may not like the choices i make, but at least i'm LIVING. at least i won't look back at my life when i'm 100 years old and say, “i was too afraid to try that and i was too afraid to try that.”

zoegirl:

because you won't have any brain cells left, that's why

mad maddie:

omg. maybe ur happy leading your boring safe life, but i'm not taking that route. i refuse to numb out.

zoegirl:

which is why you get stoned and drunk? because you don't want to numb yourself out?

mad maddie:

pot AMPLIFIES the experience, zoe

mad maddie:

forget it. u've never tried it, so how can u even talk?

zoegirl:

because i'm not stupid. because i like my brain in full working order, thank you very much. and because i'm not about to get high just to impress a guy who thinks life is one big party.

mad maddie:

god, ur self-righteous

zoegirl:

you don't have to get drunk or smoke pot in order to live life to the fullest, maddie.

mad maddie:

oh yeah? what DO u have to do? study really hard? be a good little girl and do everything everyone tells u to do?

zoegirl:

you're trying to make this about me, but it's not

mad maddie:

name one thing u've done recently that pushed u out of your comfort zone, that made your heart pound. and u can't say fooling around with doug, cuz that doesn't count.

mad maddie:

anywayz, u can't even give yourself fully over to that, can u? tell me that's not incredibly pathetic.

zoegirl:

i can't believe you said that

mad maddie:

are u saying it's not pathetic?

zoegirl:

well, it's not as pathetic as fooling around with someone else's boyfriend! it's not as pathetic as pretending that's the way you want it when really you wish he was yours!

mad maddie:

exsqueeze me?

zoegirl:

“i want to be chive's special lady.” that's what you said when you were high.

mad maddie:

i did NOT

zoegirl:

those were your very words—go back and look! and i know that's why you're smoking so much, to make yourself stand out from whitney. but whitney's the one he's with, isn't she?

mad maddie:

so?

zoegirl:

so you're lying to yourself, maddie!

mad maddie:

whoa—i am so over this convo. u should hear yourself, man. u r majorly worked up.

zoegirl:

don't tell me i'm not living my life fully. don't tell me that i'm the one with the problem.

mad maddie:

“most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” that's u in a nutshell.

zoegirl:

omg. show off for chive, not me.

zoegirl:

why are we even friends, maddie?

mad maddie:

WHAT?

zoegirl:

i'm serious. why are we even friends? i'm not trying to be mean—i'm honestly wondering. we
both get along great with angela, and when we're all three together, everything's fine. but we're not all three together. when it's just the two of us, everything seems to fall apart.

mad maddie:

don't say that. that's not true.

zoegirl:

i don't *not* want to be friends.

zoegirl:

but it's like everything gets blown up between us. everything gets rubbed the wrong way.

mad maddie:

not always. not even usually.

zoegirl:

lots, though

mad maddie:

i just think that if ur gonna point all this blame at me, then u have to look at yourself too. ur not perfect, zoe.

zoegirl:

i never said i was

mad maddie:

u sure act like it sometimes

mad maddie:

hey, a. did u hear about zoe's and my big blowout? i'm sure u did.

SnowAngel:

yeah, zoe called this afternoon. i'm so sorry!

mad maddie:

she drives me up the wall. u should have heard how self-righteous she was being.

SnowAngel:

well, like i said, i'm sorry.

SnowAngel:

but … i kinda need to tell u that i don't entirely disagree with her. i mean, i've been worried about u too. *shies back to avoid wrath*

mad maddie:

u don't need to be. god.

mad maddie:

anywayz, the moms had already been riding me before zoe txted. i didn't tell zoe, but that's part of why i jumped all over her.

SnowAngel:

riding u about what?

mad maddie:

the same thing zoe was, my “alleged” poor decision-making skills. she was all, “ur not smoking marijuana, r u maddie?”

mad maddie:

only she pronounced it mare-uh-joo-wah-nah. so lame.

SnowAngel:

shit, maddie, does she KNOW?

mad maddie:

she has her suspicions, which i neither confirmed nor denied.

mad maddie:

actually, i denied the hell out of them. but where does the moms get the right to come down on me? she and dad are the worst role models ever. and has SHE smoked pot? yes, she has. last night she told me that she and the dads smoked “mare-uh-joo-wah-nah” at some party when i was a kid, and it almost cost her her marriage.

SnowAngel:

whoa, your MOM smoked pot? your parents are so cool. why did it almost cost her her marriage?

mad maddie:

she got all flirty with some other guy or something. it was like her little cautionary tale to scare me straight.

mad maddie:

but the point is that the moms had laid all that on me—very serious and “this is your life, maddie”—and then zoe texted me and gave me the exact same lecture, only worse. can u see why i got upset?

SnowAngel:

i guess

mad maddie:

AND i somehow managed to lose my wallet at the waffle house, which is a major drag. i didn't have much cash in it, but it means i don't have my license. aaargh.

mad maddie:

anywayz, i just wanted to explain the whole story. i don't want everyone hating me.

SnowAngel:

nobody hates u, maddie. we could NEVER hate u.

mad maddie:

u wanna know what's weird? and i could never ever tell zoe, so u better not either.

SnowAngel:

what?

mad maddie:

contrary to popular opinion, i don't actually LOVE getting stoned.

SnowAngel:

i know, cuz it burns

mad maddie:

yeah, there's that. but it also just kinda … makes things icky.

SnowAngel:

like how?

mad maddie:

it changes things. it's like everyone gets all distorted, and i can see what they're really thinking, and i don't like it. i can see how desperate we all are, cuz the layers get peeled off, and we're just these naked bundles of need.

SnowAngel:

er, i'm not exactly following

mad maddie:

like, ok, monday night at the waffle house? we're all crammed into this booth, and whenever brannen says something, he looks at me in this overly eager way. only i'm too busy looking at chive, who's too busy looking at whitney …

mad maddie:

ugh. i guess i can't explain it.

SnowAngel:

why do u do it, then? get stoned?

mad maddie:

i dunno. cuz sometimes it's bad, but it can also be hilarious. like mad-laughing hilarity, where u just go on and on and on and u don't even know what set u off. that part's awesome.

SnowAngel:

but we do that without pot, like when zoe was trying to learn how to drive stick shift and she kept rolling down the hill. remember?

mad maddie:

yeah, i know

SnowAngel:

we USED to have mad-laughing hilarity, that is. we haven't for a long time.

mad maddie:

i hear u

SnowAngel:

tell me something funny. tell me something to make me laugh.

mad maddie:

um … i can't think of anything

mad maddie:

wait, i know. today in english, mariah rath goes, “mr. phelps, it is SO cold in here. aren't u cold?” and mr. phelps goes, “noooo, i'm a little teacup.”

SnowAngel:

???

mad maddie:

u know, from that song. “i'm a little teacup, short and stout. here is my handle, here is my spout.”

SnowAngel:

it's teapot, not teacup

SnowAngel:

and that's not very funny

mad maddie:

it was at the time. mr. phelps is such a dork, u can't help but love him.

SnowAngel:

*blinks noncommitally*