Truly I do (15 page)

"Nah! What?"
he grinned, wobbling unsteadily in the sand.

"I think its
time I called a cab and said good-night. It's been such fun but I
don't want to over do it on my first night out as a single do I?"
She smiled widely at Ben, hoping he wouldn't decide to become
possessive or silly about letting her go home.

"Awggh!" Ben
exclaimed, looking giddy and mockingly sad at the same time. Then
to Julie-Anne's greatest surprise he passed out and fell straight
back over into the sand at her feet.

"S'alright
luv!" Gloria laughed heartily, coming over to join Julie-Anne in
staring down at Ben, "He's just had a few too many brews. Don't
take it personally. In his line of work he gets to deal with some
pretty gruesome and frankly very sad cases alot-o-the time. He just
gets a bit carried away when he gets the chance to come out and let
off steam, that's all."

"Will he be
okay?" Julie-Anne looked at Gloria for reassurance.

"Right as rain
in the morning, I promise, I've seen it all before, y'know. I'll
get a couple of the lads to put him to bed. More to the point, do
you need anything?"

Julie-Anne got
Gloria's permission to use her phone, and the name of a reliable
cab company. In a short while she was on her way back home to
Annie's place. It was past midnight and the sky was a real glory of
stars. Enchanted by what she could see of the night sky through the
window of the cab, Julie-Anne paid the driver quickly when they
arrived. After he'd gone she lay on the soft grass of Annie's back
lawn and stared up at the array of twinkling silver points. 'Oh
Russell!' she breathed silently, 'I wish I thought you could be
looking up at this same magical sight! I wish you were here to
wonder at the glory of it with me. I wish I hadn't been such a
fool!'

When she
finally peeled herself up from the ground and shuffled inside her
head was full of thoughts about what a future with Russell might
have been like. Visions of his crystal blue eyes and heart melting
smile kept floating through her mind. She thought about the ten
bedroomed mansion and what it would have been like to be able to
furnish and decorate it together. She imagined it in the snow with
a giant Christmas tree lighting up the giant marble entrance hall.
She imagined it in the spring absolutely awash with daffodils all
along the sweeping drive and all over the lawns and garden parks.
Then, later the daff's would be replaced by a sea of bluebells.
Then she imagined it all in the height of summer, emerald lawns
with borders of golden and burned orange flowers flooding the
ground around the great house. And her favourite season . . .
autumn. For the first time, she realised, she could see the future
and she wasn't afraid. She could see it all in her in her mind's
eye, how the big trees in the park would shed their leaves and how
the autumn skies would bring character - heavy, dark and gloomy
Yorkshire rains interspersed with golden flood of autumn sunshine.
And among it all she found that she could picture Russell smiling
or busy or relaxing or calling out to her. Seasons would pass there
- but Julie-Anne had blown her chances of being at his side to
appreciate it all. . . . or had she?

She was weary
from the giggling and dancing and energy she had poured into her
day. She sighed and collapsed into bed, hardly having the strength
to peel of the sugar pink play-suit before darkness wrapped around
her and carried her away on a sea of dreams - all about
Russell.

*

Julie-Anne got
up late the next morning and was jokingly coy with Annie about the
boys she'd met at the party. "Seriously though," she sobered her
mood and turned to her mother, "how is Dad now d'you think?"

"Well he is
still making very slow but very steady progress. The doctors
yesterday said that he was out of the woods."

Spontaneously
the three women hugged each other.

"I'm so glad
Mum." Julie-Anne told her. "What time are we going to see him
today?"

"In about half
an hour if you hurry up and get some breakfast . . . well, brunch
down you darling."

"Do you think
he'll mind if I go home tomorrow?" Julie-Anne frowned and searched
her mother's face as the woman laughed and said that she was sure
now that her dad had seen his precious Julie-Anne in the flesh, he
was bound to settle down and get on with is recovery just fine.

Annie made a
little noise and quizzed "Decided to go back to that Russell you're
so in love with have you?"

"Annie!"
Julie-Anne reprimanded. But Annie had a serious expression on her
face now. She took Julie-Anne's hand in one of hers and her
sister's, Julie-Anne's mother's hand in the other. "Julie-Anne I
know you've had a tough time what with Andrew and all . . . But
have you looked at how your face changes when you mention Russell?
I can even tell when you're just thinking about him. Go back to him
girl, and do what you have to. Go and repair the damage before it
really is too late."

Julie-Anne's
frown deepened. Her aunt's face puzzled her. But she understood
even less what this moment signified when her mother leaned over
and whispered; "Oh Annie, my poor sister, my poor darling!"

"What is it?"
Julie-Anne questioned.

Her mother and
her aunt looked at her. They were close sisters and the love and
closeness of their relationship was never more apparent than now,
and they were pulling Julie-Anne into that special circle of family
bond as well. Warmth flooded through her as she looked from one to
anther of the women whose hands she held.

"Annie did
just what you're doing my love," her mother began to explain, "She
was so concerned about the long term commitment to the man she
truly loved, and genuinely frightened about whether or not she had
the depth of character to carry it through with him and marry him,
that she fled here, to New Zealand, to get away from the anguish of
it all."

"Why didn't
you go back when you realised?" Julie-Anne focused on Annie.

"It took me
sixth months to pluck up the courage to see that the faults were
all mine, that he was a good man who loved me for real, who
actually wanted to grow old and wrinkly with me!" Annie tilted her
head and sighed a resigned sigh. "I know Andrew didn't really love
you, not a passionate burning, unconditional love like you need
from a man. To be frank Julie-Anne I'm not entirely sorry that he .
. . well, you know!"

Julie-Anne was
shocked at her aunt's confession about her feelings about Andrew's
death.

"Anyway,"
Annie carried on, "I lost my man to another woman while I
hesitated. Don't do the same thing, don't mess about, eh."

The three
women spontaneously hugged each other again and then busied
themselves with the trip to the hospital and nothing more was said
about Annie's past experience.

*

At the
hospital her father was sitting up in bed properly and he even gave
Julie-Anne a tender, weak hug when she explained that she'd decided
to go home if he wouldn't mind. "Aim high my little girl!" he told
her, "Reach out and take what you want from life, god knows you've
got more than enough pith and courage to give plenty back in return
- just like your mother!"

"Well, if I'm
flying home it's only on condition that you promise to get entirely
better!" she told him. "I want to hear more about your mountain
climbs and pole to pole treks and less about you pretending to be
old and infirm in a hospital, understand?"

"Hah! I'll do
my best," he laughed.

They bumped
into Ben in the corridor on their way out. "I'm just going on a
thirty minute break," he told her, hopefully. Julie-Anne asked her
mother and aunt to go on without her, "I'll grab a cab, it's okay,"
she smiled.

"After last
night I should think you could do with all the coffee you can get
today?" she teased as they made their way to the canteen.

"Sorry!" Ben
looked sheepish. "I don't usually pass out on first dates. I hope
you're going to agree to let me make it up to you?"

"Well - that's
what I wanted to explain . . . " Julie-Anne told him that she was
going to go home and explained that she'd wanted to thank him for
being so kind and friendly as to give her an opportunity to come
out, have fun and rediscover things about herself. "You and your
friends could have turned out to be real animals," she pointed out.
"Instead you were charming and funny and very sweet to me, and I'm
so grateful for that."

She saw the
moment when Ben gave up any hope of persuading her to stay or to
make anything more of their relationship. His shoulders flagged
slightly but his smile brightened. "Any thing to please a posh
English lady, eh!" he bowed in mock subservience.

"If we weren't
half a world apart I think we'd have been really good friends."
Julie-Anne stated.

"In a way I
think we always will be friends from now on - even if we never hear
from each other again!" Ben answered thoughtfully. "But that's what
it's all about, unconditional friendship - isn't it?"

"You're
right," she agreed, "and that's why I've got to go home.
Unconditional friendship and unconditional love are different in
only one way, love needs contact and nurturing to keep it
alive."

"He's a lucky
man!" Ben announced, pouting playfully at her. "It's a sure thing
that he's a fool if he's not waiting for you to get home to
him."

*

At the airport
the next morning Julie-Anne was surprised to see Ben running to get
to her before she disappeared into the departure lounge. In his
hand he held out a bunch of bright pink flowers, "They're Tahitian
Bougainvilliers!" he explained breathlessly. "My dad grows 'em to
remind him of his ancestral home. It's just that . . . well . . .
the colour reminded me of you and I wanted you to have them as a
symbol of our friendship . . . you know!" His blush was almost as
pink as the blooms he was holding out.

"Oh Ben!"
Julie-Anne was taken aback, "They're so lovely. But I can't take
them on the flight - it's not allowed!"

"I know!" Ben
erupted into fits of laughter. "I realised on the way here - but I
wanted to give 'em to you anyway."

The tears
flowing down Julie-Anne's cheeks when she boarded the flight were
as much from laughter at the sight of Ben, left standing in the
airport clutching his bunch of bright pink flowers as they were of
sadness at having said goodbye to her new friend and to her parents
and aunt again. As she'd walked away Ben had started to strip the
papery blooms from their stems and push them into his black curly
hair in a clownish way designed to make her laugh.

Looking over
her shoulder to wave at Ben and giggling at his antics, she'd
gently urged "Remember this and smile when you have to deal with
sad cases at work. Let our distant friendship be that."

"You too, posh
English lady!" he'd bowed, "Give us a call if you're down this way
again . . ." At that point she'd turned the corner and begun her
long journey home.

*

The flights
home dragged and dragged. The taxi ride to her cottage dragged and
dragged. The darkness and damp un-lived in feeling of the old place
was a real drag. But Julie-Anne was happy to be home. It was too
late at night to start phoning round to try to track down Russell,
so she settled for a long hot bath and some sleep. In the morning
she'd do her damnedest to get everything worked out, for now it was
comforting enough to be this much closer to Russell - this much
closer to her one chance of winning him back and keeping him for
good.

In the cold
light of a late January day Julie-Anne lay in her old bed, in her
old cottage staring at the tree-tops through her window, almost
afraid to get up and face what the day might bring.

What if
Russell rejected her? What if she couldn't even find him - he could
have gone anywhere whilst she'd been away. No! That was unlikely,
she'd only been gone for about ten days in all, and he was most
likely to be up in Yorkshire establishing his family seat. The firs
step would be to go to Bramley Apple Lane and check to make sure
that Russell wasn't still living there. But he'd said the deal on
his mansion estate in Yorkshire had been finalised so if he wasn't
still in the village she'd have to go up there and look for him.
'One step at a time, Julie-Anne' she told herself. 'I'd better
start by getting some transport.'

She remembered
a young couple who'd been seated at a table near hers at the New
Year's Eve party, they were also involved in the pantomime that
she'd painted some stage scenery for. They had been excitedly
talking about their plans to sell up and go to live in America.
They were expecting to leave at the end of January . . . she might
just be lucky, they might be ready and willing to sell her their
little car.

She dressed
quickly in her old jeans and pink designer tee-shirt, then spent a
long time staring in the mirror in her bedroom remembering all the
times she'd had with Russell there since that day so long ago when
she'd gone out in exactly the same outfit. 'Well, maybe it's my
lucky "finding Russell" outfit.' she thought, hastily wiping hot
tears from her cheeks and patting her broiling, yearning tummy.
'Gods, why do I have to feel so sick? It's no good being anxious -
I've just got to get out there and find him. I've got to grab this
opportunity and stop being so stupid.' In her mind's eye she could
visualise Russell padding into her room behind her, as he had done
so many times, and slipping his strong naked arms around her
middle. If he were here he'd be pulling her back to lean against
his as yet undressed chest muscles. She'd feel the steady beat of
his heart and feel his breath, hot and arousing on the back of her
neck. He'd take a firm hold of her petite hips and turn her around
to kiss her good morning . . . 'This is a waste of time! Go and
find him girl, and don't let yourself run away from that love ever
again!'