Truly I do (6 page)

Shortly he
came back into the room with two quilted overcoats and several
pairs of mittens. "I'll stow these in the car in case it gets
really cold", he said brightly. They both glanced up at the clock.
It was eight-thirty in the morning. He dumped the clothes on the
end of the Chesterfield as Julie-Anne saw a masterful, organised -
even controlling - part of his nature. He checked off his mental
list of things to do; "I've turned everything off in the kitchen,
I'll just douse this fire and put the guard up and we'll be off
then; I reckon we can make Harrogate by about two o'clock; the M25
shouldn't be too bad today."

Then, moving
quickly and quietly, he poked at the fire and moved the burned logs
until there was mostly just ash which fell through the grate
leaving cooling embers with the occasional spitting glow.
Julie-Anne thought she knew just how those logs must feel - burning
brightly by his hand one minute and crumbling to cold dust at his
whim the next . . . just as she herself seemed to do. He put the
fire guard in front of the hearth to shield the room from any
unforeseen life that might burn up in the grate before the fire
went thoroughly cold.

When he'd
finished Julie-Anne stood up to ready herself. Russell turned to
her. "Thank you for agreeing to come with me." He said
throatily.

"No sweat."
She responded cooly, shrugging, still thinking it measured up to
nothing more than convenient for him to have her along as a
companion. But while she started to form the shrug he took her
shoulders between his strong hands and pulled her to him.

"It means a
lot." He uttered, then he lowered his mouth and delivered another
of those resolution melting kisses that had her helpless in his
arms.

Still, in the
depths of her mind, a niggling thought said, 'he said it means a
lot to him to have me along . . . not the same as saying that I
mean a lot to him.' But she was soon lost to all thoughts as the
kiss lingered on and her body began to crave for more.

Not long after
pulling away from Joe's old cottage in Russell's Sienna red Lexus
LS 600, with its comfortable ivory leather seats and walnut trim,
they stopped at a convenient service station to fill up the petrol
tank, get some boiled sweets and some carry-out coffee for the
journey.

He was right,
the M25 was quite clear on a Sunday morning and the rest of their
long journey north went smoothly. They listened to the radio as
they drove at a reasonable yet, unhurried speed along the A1M.

To keep
herself from staring at Russell's arms or thighs while he
masterfully controlled the powerful car, Julie-Anne looked out at
some quite pleasant scenery of open fields and countryside. It
looked quite different to the wood laden little fields around their
corner of Surrey. Julie-Anne allowed her mind to wander; she
noticed how the golden autumn sunshine stayed at their backs and
cast long, slender shadows across the fields and open areas of
woodland as they passed by.

Coming out
into the open like this gave her a strange perspective on her last
few weeks of mourning, and the gloom and self-doubt that had come
with the loss of her husband. Suddenly that dull, unadventurous
relationship seemed like a dream - a long ago dream that maybe
didn't include Julie-Anne at all. She felt as if she'd been
watching somebody else's sad, sorry life from the outside, like a
ghost. She tried to visualise her husband's face, but found that it
was already pretty much erased from her memory. She knew how to
describe his features, brown eyes, brown hair and so-on, but she
couldn't actually picture him in her mind's eye. She tried to
recall their love making - but that was much longer ago than his
unfortunate death. When he'd been killed in the accident, she sadly
realised, they had not made love together for over six months.
There was no need, no desire to lie naked together and share bodily
sensations. In fact, even when they were first married they had
hardly been the kind of rampant lovers a girl dreams of. There'd
never been any unbridled passion, just quiet moments of going
through the motions in the dark. And neither ever asked or was
interested in knowing whether the other had been truly satisfied or
whether they'd just stopped after a few minutes of performing a
token act that each felt to be a marital duty.

But she'd kept
the house clean, served his meals when it suited him and stood or
sat beside him at functions he had to attend. His work took up most
of his thoughts; he seemed besotted with the tasks of accounting
and banking and number crunching. Profit making for himself and his
clients was what truly gave him his kicks. There was no art or
beauty in what he did; nothing for Julie-Anne to relate to -
although many of his clients and colleagues seemed to enjoy her
ability to hold a good discussion about Titian or Raphael, or even
some up and coming artistes that they thought they'd just
discovered. She was useful at the dinner table in that sense; she
was intelligent enough to hold down a decent conversation and keep
the other guests and clients happy.

Losing
interest in what now seemed a very boring and lacking past,
Julie-Anne let her memories melt away, and reverted to staring out
of the car window. She found the passage past Nottingham Forest
lovely. She loved the density of the forest and the way the light
played over the trunks and branches of silver birch and tall, dark
pine trees. After that she enjoyed the relative openness of the
landscape. Once or twice she glimpsed a big house nestled on the
horizon and wondered who lived there; or she saw a glimpse of a
stream or a river as they passed by. She wondered what it would be
like to go and stand beside those waters instead of settling for
just a tantalising glimpse.

"You're
quiet!" Russell said gently, but his voice above the babbling
speech of the radio made her jump.

She glanced
sideways into his vibrant blue eyes and saw a man full of verve as
he glanced her way and they both giggled. "I am sorry, I was
daydreaming."

"Are you
okay?" The concern in his voice was genuine but not over
dramatised, it was just a comfortable, thoughtful enquiry.

"Yeah, I'm
fine thanks. Maybe laying some old ghosts to rest for a bit - but
I'm quite happy." She watched him smile and refocus on the road.
Here, she thought is a man who is prepared to go out and do things,
examine things, learn about the world around him. She stared at his
strong golden tanned hands with their long, strong fingers. She
allowed her eye to drift up over his attractive shoulders and study
his neck. She really felt like leaning over and kissing his neck,
nibbling his ear, running her fingers into that gorgeous mass of
golden curls.

Sensing that
she was examining him Russell flushed a little pink, "So tell me
about your degree?" he asked.

'Oh, here we
go!' Julie-Anne thought, 'He wants to know just what education I
have that will be of use to him when he gets stuck into talking
with people from museums and archaeological sites.' She drew a deep
breath and started to tell him about her knowledge of the arts and
art history. She explained about how she'd done all the background
work for a Masters degree in Art Conservation and Restoration, at
the same time as completing the third year of her bachelors'
degree. Her interested and talent had enabled her to start the one
before truly finishing the other. She chattered about how the
university boff's had encouraged her to shine as a gifted student,
and what a joyful time she'd had immersed in her studies. She'd
enjoyed working with the professors and other students. She stopped
talking when Russell pulled in at Blythe services and turned off
the engine to sit watching her.

"You're
beautiful when you are talking about something you're really
interested in you know", he said throatily.

Julie-Anne
wanted to say 'I do know! - That's why my husband employed me for
all his dinner engagements, to give his clients something to gaze
upon and drool over!' In fact she'd never thought of herself as
beautiful before and no-one else had ever suggested that she was.
She was flattered but determined not to allow herself to imagine
that Russell's comment was anything more than a friendly gesture of
encouragement.

As she didn't
answer him he turned his attention to their surroundings and said
"We'll just grab a quick comfort break here. We can get a fresh
coffee to carry out if you like, but I really want to just stretch
my legs, then keep motoring. I'm keen to get there in time to go
around the shops a bit without having to hurry."

*

Eventually
they turned off the A1M and made their way into the elegant spa
town of Harrogate. By the time they'd parked and found their way
out of the car park it was almost two o'clock. They had at least
two hours to grab a sandwich and go around the shops buying
overnight necessities and maybe some new clothes. 'If nothing
else', Julie-Anne thought eagerly, 'it's been far too long since
I've indulged in a good shopping spree.' She was glad to be out of
the car, in the fresh air and she was suddenly determined that this
was going to be the beginning of some sort of new start for her.
New clothes and a positive attitude to indulging herself seemed
just the right thing.

As they walked
away from the car park, into Station Parade, she eyed the
semicircular frontage of the Victoria Shopping Centre. Happily she
gazed up at the features designed by British architect David
Cullearn who had cleverly taken his inspiration from Palladio's
famous Basilica at Vincenza. The architraves and statues around the
inward curve of the big building made Julie-Anne feel as if she was
really going to enjoy this visit. "Goodness, I feel as if I should
be wearing eighteenth century gowns, it's like going on the 'grand
tour'!" she laughed.

"Later we'll
come back and go sight seeing if you like." Russell looked pleased
with himself. He reached out and grabbed her slender hand in his,
"Time to get some shopping, but not here I think." he told her, his
eyes twinkled with merriment. "Come on." And with that he led her
down a steep hill, past several rows of fine looking shops until
they arrived at Jaeger.

"You can start
in here if you want to, but there are some lovely independent shops
in this quarter. We're also close to some good tea shops so when
you've got what you want we'll have a nice cup of tea. No expense
spared!"

Julie-Anne
pulled her hand free, "I told you before we left, I am a woman of
independent means. Thanks for the offer but I'll buy my own
clothes."

Russell
shrugged. "Well maybe you'll let me buy you one present somewhere,
eh?"

"Maybe." She
grinned at him and went into the shop to look at the beautiful
suits and casual wear. By the time she left that store she was the
proud new owner of a beautiful Pernod Frill cuffed jacket and
matching pencil skirt, a wool pinstripe trouser suit and two very
smart blouses that tied at the neck with sumptuous bows. She'd also
treated herself to a fabulous Rouleau, off the shoulder, sheer silk
evening dress with vibrant peacock green patterns over
sophisticated charcoal black. She knew that her dark hair and
slender, delicate features would really compliment the colours and
cut of the dress and she hoped she'd get the chance to wear it
soon.

She was
thrilled to find a Russell & Bromley store and some other good
shoe shops nearby. She was equally thrilled to visit some fine
independent ladies-wear stores where she picked up sweaters,
blouses, casual trousers and a few accessories. Finally exhausted
with shopping Julie-Anne had one more hurdle to overcome. She was
going to need to pick up some underwear. But Russell was so
attentive, joining in and commenting nicely about her choices that
she was at a loss. Surely she couldn't buy such intimate items with
him watching and commenting.

She was tiring
and her feet were beginning to hurt, so she decided there was
nothing for it but to be blunt. "Tell me where we are going for tea
will you," she questioned, looking determinedly into his handsome,
tanned face, "I need to grab some more personal items and I'd
rather have a short while on my own and meet you somewhere."

He grinned
knowingly at her, the skin around his blue eyes crinkling
delightfully. "If you must I suppose. But don't be gone for too
long or I'll start to get paranoid and worry about you. I had
thought we might go to Betty's for tea, but frankly I think there
are less crowded places close by." He pointed out the place he'd
chosen and Julie-Anne took a good look around to get the land marks
so that she could find her way back. She noted Hoopers on James
Street. It was a lovely old fashioned department store with a run
of gorgeous art nouveau red and yellow stained glass all around
tops of the front windows. In the darkening late autumn afternoon,
the warmth and colours of the stained glass - combined with the
Christmas decorations in the store - looked so inviting that she
decided she could probably get all the lingerie she needed right
there. She pointed to let Russell know that's where she planned to
go and left him to his own devices for half an hour.

Within seconds
of walking away from Russell Julie-Anne felt as if there was an
eerie coldness around the hand he'd just let go, and down the side
of her that he'd seemed to shelter as they'd walked along. She felt
as if she'd actually peeled off a layer of herself and left it
behind. 'This is silly!' she admonished herself, 'You can't start
thinking of him in these terms, he's not going to be a permanent
fixture and you know it. He's not in love with you and you have to
stop falling in love with him.'

As she stepped
inside the brightly lit store she turned and glanced back towards
where she'd left him. She was suppressing a child-like urge to run
back to him and cling on to his strong arms. She expected him to
have gone out of her sight and she was feeling slightly panicky -
instead she saw that he'd moved along behind her and was standing a
little way off, on the corner, watching her. 'Hmph!' she thought,
'he doesn't even trust me!'