Transcendence (39 page)

Beh keeps turning to look at me, and though my thoughts continue to return to Lah, I focus on my mate. I hope she will forgive me for not taking care of her as I should and will let me try again.

We return before the sun sets, and I lay my mate in our snug furs. Our mouths and noses meet, and I hold her tightly against me as I fill her. She calls out to me and refuses to let go even when we are both too tired to move any longer. Eventually, Beh rolls to her side, and I move up behind her, holding her back to my chest as she sleeps.

Beh is still sad, too, but she cooks the remaining grains at the back of the cave and gathers fresh buds to eat. She still tends the fire and makes sure we have water to drink. She is so beautiful, and I have been neglecting her.

I can’t do that any longer.

She is everything to me, and I have to be a good mate to her.

My heart still aches for Lah, and I know another child will not be the same, but as I look at Beh, I realize there are many possibilities ahead of us. As I stroke her cheek, I know that every child that comes from her will be a part of us both, and each one will fill my heart again in a new way even if the hole left by Lah’s absence never completely fills.

Beh turns again, and she reaches up with her hand to stroke over the short hairs on my face. I nuzzle against her with my nose, press my lips to her skin, and turn my attention to the front of the cave.

I have to make sure she is safe.

I stand, stretch my arms above my head, and look down at the fire, which is now built up again. The clay pots are empty, none of the cooked grains remain from breakfast. Beh’s appetite of late is amazing. I finish my stretch and move over to the other side of the fire.

Everything has been easier this time—from the moment Beh took my hand and placed it over her abdomen to tell me there was a baby inside her until the day our son was born. I can only hope the next one is easier, too, though I don’t think there is another one growing inside of Beh yet. Hopefully the next one will be born in the spring, not the middle of winter like Lee was.

Lee’s eyes are lighter than Lah’s—and I think they might be the same color as mine. A few days after he was born, Beh pointed to my eyes and to his over and over again. They look like the color of the evergreens when the sun hits the needles. I don’t know what color hair he will have because he is still almost completely without.

As soon as I sit, Beh drops a piece of leather over my lap and lays Lee in the middle of it. I hold him as he wriggles and squirms, and his mother uses bits of cloth and warm water to wash him completely like she does every day. She does not want him dirty at all and washes him much more frequently than she ever did Lah. I don’t understand, but when it comes to my mate, I rarely do.

I am content again, though. My nightmares stopped not long after we realized another baby was coming though Beh still sometimes cries out for Lah in her sleep. She did last night, but when I held her close, she settled down. I remember how scared she seemed, and I look up to her face.

“
Luffs!”

Beh looks up at me and smiles, which is what I want. She takes the end of the cloth and wipes my cheek with it. There is probably soot on my face from when I was cooking breakfast. The water feels good and cools me off.

Lee doesn’t seem to like it, though, and cries and squirms, trying to get out of my arms and crawl away. He’s been crawling all over the cave for several days now and even managed to find his way to the outside the previous morning. Now he heads for the crack of the cave every time he’s let loose.

Beh laughs as I hold Lee up, and she finishes his cleaning. When she is done, I lay him down, hoping he will sleep a while so I can put another baby in Beh, but Lee doesn’t cooperate. With a giggle, Beh pushes us both outside, and I take Lee to the field to let him crawl naked through the grass while I use a piece of flint to sharpen up a new spear. I need to hunt antelope for their skins though the variety of meat would also be welcome.

Lee rolls over to his side and peers at me with squinted eyes. He pushes his chubby body to a sitting position and pulls at the grass around him. Then he looks back to me.

“
Da da da da da da da!”

He makes as much noise as his mother. I worry he will never be quiet enough to become a hunter and provide for his mate. Of course, I also wonder where he will find a mate. Siblings are not good mates, and that is all we can give him. Someday, we are going to have to go looking for other people. I can only hope to find a tribe who will be friendly. For the time being, I have been searching for a larger cave, but I haven’t found any bigger or better than where we live now.

“
Ma ma ma ma!” Lee raises his arms in the air and bounces up and down on his bottom. I hear Beh coming out of the cave behind me, and I turn to watch her, naked and glorious in the summer sunshine. She goes immediately to our child and picks him up in her arms, nuzzling his cheek with her nose. He grabs at her breast, which makes her laugh. She carries him over and sits beside me to feed him.

I put down the flint and spear and turn to face her, reaching out and picking them both up to place them in my lap. I wrap my arms around Beh’s middle, giving Lee my forearms to lie upon while he nurses. He seems to be the most comfortable that way. Anytime I can, I hold Beh when she nurses the baby. When we are all close together like that, I can run my nose over Beh’s neck, smell her hair, and watch Lee, too.

Beh makes quiet sounds as Lee stares at her face and sucks. His little hand rests possessively right above her nipple, and he grasps at it repeatedly as if he needs the reassurance that it is still there and still full of milk. I lay my head on Beh’s shoulder, and we both look out over the field toward the pine trees and watch the birds soar across the sky.

The day is not too hot, but sun is warm. I close my eyes to its warmth and tilt my head up a little. After a few minutes, Beh lifts Lee and turns him to her other breast so he can complete his meal.

It’s making me hungry, too.

Beh turns her head so she can see me better, and the smile on her face encompasses my heart. She reaches up and lays the palm of her hand against my cheek.

“
Beh loves Ehd. Beh loves Lee.”

“
Luffs Beh!” I make the sounds and watch her eyes light up and her smile grow. “Lee luffs!”

Beh’s smile turns into a laugh, which startles Lee enough that the nipple slips from his mouth. He begins to cry, and I reach up with one finger to stroke his cheek until he quiets down and goes back to suckling. Beh leans her back against my chest and sighs.

I think she is content, just as I am.

I close my eyes again and listen to the sounds around me. Beh’s quiet breathing, Lee’s noisy suckling, the birds in the trees, and the insects in the field all fill my ears. The bugs are particularly loud, and seem to be getting louder.

And louder.

Beh gasps, and I feel the tension move from her body into mine.

I know the sound is not insects, and my body begins to shake as the sound increases to the point where my ears are aching. Silver-blue streaks appear in the field in front of us, circling with increasing speed. The sense of dread I felt when Lah was taken from us returns with tight pressure in my chest. For several moments, I am frozen and unable to react to what I am seeing.

Again, as it was long ago when Lah disappeared, red and gold speckles flash inside the sphere, sparking like embers from the fire in the dark cave at night, and I remember what happened the last time those sparks appeared in the field. Without waiting another moment, I cry out and jump to my feet, carrying Beh and Lee with me. Beh’s feet hit the ground, and she starts to pull away from me—toward the sparking, spinning thing that is appearing in the field.

“
Beh!” I scream at her and grab her arm. Glaring at the sparkling shape that is beginning to take form, I grab my spear from the ground and pull Beh and Lee behind me. I am completely resolved, and I will not allow Beh to stop me as I push at her side—forcing her back toward the cave despite her noises and struggles.

I will
not
let
anyone
take Lee from me!

Turning quickly, I use one arm to encircle Beh’s waist and the other to hold my spear out toward the spinning thing. It is beginning to slow, and I recognize the image of a person in the middle of the sphere. I pull sharply at Beh, whose loud sounds are increasing, and drag both my mate and my son to the safety of the cave.

Pushing them through the entrance of the cave, I turn and crouch with my spear ready. I block the opening with my body and ignore Beh’s hand pushing against my shoulder and her sharp noises. Lee is crying angry cries at being separated from his mother’s breast, but I refuse to acknowledge either of them.

I have to protect my family.

“
Ehd…Ehd…” Beh’s hand strokes my shoulder, and her sounds become softer as the man’s form takes shape in the center of the whirling circles.

I will not let him take our son.

I won’t.

I won’t!

My chest heaves with labored breaths as I grip my spear. My hands are shaking, and I want to steady them, but it is as if the thoughts of Lah disappearing so long ago are dropping from my head and down into my chest, crushing me underneath their weight. I remember the man I hit to protect Beh all those seasons ago. I remember what happened to him, and I steady myself in case I have to fight. I have done it before, and I can do it again.

The whirring sound stops, and I can see the more distinct shape of the man as the circles fade away. The man and whatever is in his arms is all that is left. It is definitely the man from before. His dark eyes and furry upper lip are the same.

I tighten my grip on my spear and raise it with menace.

“
Ehd, no!” Beh grabs hold of the top part of my arm and shakes me, yelling.

Standing firmly at the entrance, I growl and pull my arm from her grasp. I step forward, though I don’t allow enough room for her to slip around me. The man is walking slowly toward us, and I scream out a warning to him. I hold out my spear and stamp my foot as Beh pushes against my back, but my feet are planted firmly, and she can’t move me out of the way.

I don’t know why she is trying.

“
Ehd!” she cries out again, and once more she grabs hold of my spear-arm. “Lah!”

I have to close my eyes for a moment, drenched in the memories of the little girl who was the first child I put inside of Beh. The crushing feeling I haven’t felt in a long time is back, holding me down and making my grip on the spear falter.

I will not let him have Lee!

Again I scream at the approaching figure of the man, who slows and stops. His eyes dart between my face and Beh’s. She keeps saying my name-sound and even reaches around to grab hold of my face. I glance at Beh, and the expression on her face is frightening.

She is obviously as scared as I am.

Her hand presses against the side of my face, and a single tear drops from her eye.

“
Lah,” she says softly, and points toward the man.

I look back to him and focus on what is in his arms. I see a bundle, wrapped in strange material tucked into one arm while the other hand grips a big, black, square…
thing
. I don’t care about the thing, though. My attention is captured by the bundle that suddenly squirms and then cries out.

I recognize the cry.

It has haunted me since the day he took Lah.

The man takes another step closer, and I can see a tiny face encircled by the white cloth in his arm. The whole bundle moves, and the little mouth opens up again in a long cry. It’s not the weakened cry I remember from the last days she was with us, but the strong, healthy cry that filled my ears on many nights when Lah would wake hungry or cold.

The man is holding my daughter.

“
Lah.” Her name-sound drops out of my mouth and falls into the air. My stomach feels like it does if I eat something that has been sitting in the back of the cave too long, and I can feel it rolling around inside of me, threatening to expel breakfast. Beh is pushing against my shoulder with warm, damp hands, trying to get around me. I don’t know what to think.