Traitor (7 page)

His expression tightened. I had clearly said something wrong. “That day in the park. The day you left me. You said that you didn’t like who you are when you’re with me.” His eyes burned into mine, a hint of fear glinting out through the anger that filled them. “Is that true?”

I dropped my gaze. “I thought so,” I said, my voice barely audible. “But meeting you, being with you… It’s changed me, Sean. And that scares me.”

His finger hooked under my chin, forcing my face up so that my eyes met his. His expression was indecipherable as he regarded me for a long moment. “I feel the same way,” he confessed. “I don’t know how to be around you, Claudia. Hell, I shouldn’t be around you at all, not after what I did to you. But I can’t stay away. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t shown up at my apartment. Probably would have come to you on my knees, begging for forgiveness.”

I couldn’t hold back a small smile. “For some reason, I’m having trouble picturing you begging for anything. And certainly not on your knees. Besides,” I added, more soberly, “I couldn’t stay away even if I wanted to.”

He stared down at me in wonder. “So what do we do now?” He asked quietly. “I hate the thought that I’m pushing you too hard, that I’m scaring you. You say that you want the same things I do, but I don’t think that you understand what all that entails.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but he held a finger to my lips, stopping me short. “I hadn’t really wanted to have this conversation; I never thought that things would get this far. But we need to talk about what we’re doing, about what I’m pulling you into.”

“You’re not pulling me into -” I began, but his hand covered my mouth.

“Let me speak, please.” He worded it as a request, but his tone was authoritative. My nipples pebbled in response to him silencing me, and I was grateful that the blanket covered my lustful reaction to his treatment.

I nodded, letting him know that I would let him say what he needed to. He removed his hand, but his fingertips lingered on my lips, tracing them lightly before pulling away. I resisted the strong urge to draw one on them into my mouth and suck on it.

He took a deep breath. “Do you know what BDSM is, Claudia?” He asked finally.

“Um, sort of,” I confessed. I knew that it meant kinky, like tying up your partner, spanking them. The thought of Sean doing that to me made my clit pulse.

“The meaning of BDSM is threefold,” he said, his tone turning lecturing. “Bondage and Discipline; Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.” His eyes searched mine briefly, looking for signs of fear. But all I felt was rapt curiosity. “The first two aspects very much define my interests. The last one not so much. I don’t want to harm you, Claudia. I want you to know that.” There were lines of anxiety around his eyes.

“I know,” I breathed. Even though he had put me through the wringer emotionally, I knew that Sean would always protect me from harm. He had proven that time and again.

He gave me a short nod, satisfied. “I am a Dominant, or a Dom. You are a natural submissive, or sub.”

I couldn’t hold back a frown. “I don’t know if I like the sound of that,” I admitted.

He reached out and cupped my face. “Just because you are sexually submissive doesn’t mean that you are outside of the bedroom. I love your fiery spirit; I’ve never been a fan of doormats. But I see the constant strain that you inflict upon yourself, your determination to remain strong no matter how much you’re hurting. Submission can free you from that.”

I quivered inwardly, disconcerted that he had seen past my façade in a way that no one had before. It seemed that despite the short time that we had been together, he knew me better than anyone. He hadn’t allowed me to hold back around him, had chipped away at my walls. And I knew that he recognized my internal anguish as a reflection of his own. Despite coming from different worlds, we were more alike than I had ever realized.

He ran his fingers through my hair, and I couldn’t help leaning into his touch. “You know that I respect you, Claudia,” he said seriously. “And your instinctive reaction to my dominance of your body doesn’t change that. I want you. All of you. It scares me how badly I crave to take you in every way imaginable. I’m afraid that I’ll push you too far and scare you away.”

“You do scare me sometimes,” I admitted quietly. “But I’m more afraid of what my desire for you means about myself. I’m not afraid that you’ll hurt me.”

Not physically, anyway.

He smiled at me gently. “You don’t know how relieved I am to hear that. But just in case, you should have safe words so that if you ever get too uncomfortable, we can stop what we’re doing immediately.”

I liked the sound of that. The idea was comforting. “Okay,” I breathed.

“I want you to use ‘yellow’ if you need a break. We can stop and talk about your concerns. Say ‘red’ if you can’t handle any more, and everything will stop.”

I gave him a small smile. “That sounds good. Thank you.”

A part of me was distantly amazed at this calm, matter-of-fact conversation that we were having as I agreed to surrender my body to him completely. But mostly I was relieved. I felt freed, like I didn’t have to expend energy on resisting him any longer. I could let go of the guilt and confusion that I felt at what I allowed him to do to me.

But I knew that the emotional turmoil over deceiving him would only multiply tenfold as I allowed him to be intimate with me. Our raw, honest confessions had affected me deeply. It was the most I had ever opened up to anyone, and I had a feeling that it was the same for him. I was treading into dangerous territory, walking the tightrope of letting my walls down while still hiding my deception from him. But I couldn’t resist him. I knew that it was disgustingly selfish, but I wanted to enjoy all of him for as long as I could before the day came when he realized that I had betrayed him, before I lost him forever.

I forced down my consternation, struggling to keep my conflicting emotions from showing on my face.

“Come on,” I said with a small smile. “I guess we can have that slumber party after all.” I scooted over, inviting him to join me.

He grinned and tucked himself under the covers, drawing me towards him until I was draped across his chest. I inhaled his intoxicating scent and snuggled closer, needing him to hold me, to ease my troubled mind.

But even his warmth wasn’t enough to soothe me, and I laid awake for long hours after he fell asleep, my mind a tangle of emotions. I had told myself that I was doing the right thing, but I no longer knew the difference between right and wrong. I only knew that I needed him, and I would cling to him for as long as I could. No matter what the cost.

Chapter 6

I awoke to Sean nuzzling my hair. His body was pressed up against my back, his arms wrapped around me. And his hard cock was poking insistently at my ass. Startled, I tried to jerk away from him. But he just held me tighter, groaning as my movements caused me to rub against him.

Fruitlessly, I tried to pull away from him again, and his grip became so tight that it constricted my lungs.

“Stay,” his voice rumbled in my ear.

I shivered in his arms, stilling instantly. I wanted nothing more than to stay there, enfolded by his delicious heat, but my eyes were drawn to the clock on my bedside table.

Crap.

It was seven-fifteen. I had overslept.

“I can’t,” I said regretfully. “I have to go to work.”

He propped himself up on his elbow, checking the time.

“Shit,” he cursed softly. “I am going to be so late. Ronan is going to kill me.”

I frowned, tensing in his arms. “Call in sick,” I said quickly, concerned that his father would exact retribution for Sean’s tardiness.

“I can’t do that,” he insisted, rolling out of bed. I glanced over at him. His hair was mussed from sleep. It reminded me of how he looked after he fucked me, and my sex clenched. I had never been a fan of morning sex, but it seemed that Sean was an exception. But my fear for him was stronger than my lust.

“I’ll write you a doctor’s note,” I said firmly.

Sean sighed heavily. “Trust me, that will only make things worse. I don’t want you drawing attention to yourself, and you’ll only attract his ire if you try to make excuses for me.”

I frowned at him. “Promise me that you won’t take any crap from him, then,” I ordered. Despite his age, his father was clearly a physically powerful man, but I knew that Sean would be able to take him on if he wanted to.

Sean just shook his head, his lips pursing into a thin line. “I thought I explained this to you yesterday. That just isn’t possible. Especially if he suspects that you’re the reason that I’m late. It will just piss him off more if I try to defend myself. And I don’t want him to blame you. I need you to stay under his radar.”

My frown deepened. “He called me a whore, Sean,” I said, my voice hard. “I’m pretty sure he remembers me.”

His hands clenched to fists, and his expression tightened. “I don’t know what else to tell you,” he said, irritation bleeding into his tone. “This is the best way. I’m sorry if that pisses you off.”

The tension in his muscles made me relent. I didn’t want him to leave when he was angry with me. I reached out my hand to cover his fist.

“Okay,” I said softly. A blush colored my cheeks as a thought crossed my mind. His eyes softened, and he curled his index finger under my chin, lifting my face.

“What was that thought?” He asked.

“I, uh…” My cheeks heated further. “Do you at least want to take a shower here? With me?”

He let out a soft groan. “You’re torturing me, Claudia. That’s not a good idea. If we do that, I don’t think I could bring myself to leave you.”

“Then don’t,” I whispered.

He drew his hand away from me regretfully, but he was smiling softly. “Temptress,” he said huskily. “My balls are going to be aching all day.” His grin took on a cruel edge. “You’ll pay for that later.”

I shivered as images of what he might do to me flicked through my mind, and heat stirred in my belly.

“Now who’s torturing whom?” I asked shakily.

“Payback’s a bitch,” he said cheerily. “I can’t let you upset the balance of power here. What kind of Dom would I be if I let you walk all over me?”

Dom. Sub.
The reminder of our conversation the night before only further stoked my lust.

“You had better go before I wrap myself around you and force you to stay,” I warned.

He laughed. “I’m pretty sure I could fight you off, little one.” But that dark flame was flickering in his eyes again. “But I’m not sure if I would want to.”

He glanced at the clock again. “I have to go,” he said, standing up quickly and putting distance between us.

“Alright,” I sighed. “I’ll call you a cab.”

When I climbed out of bed, the covers fell away, exposing my naked body to him. His eyes darkened further, and he tensed.

“Fuck,” he said huskily. “Cover yourself up. Please.” His tone was clipped.

I was secretly pleased to see how difficult it was for him to restrain himself, and even more gratified to see his hard cock standing erect for me. He noticed the direction of my gaze.

“Now, Claudia,” he barked.

I jumped slightly, tearing my eyes from him. “Sorry,” I mumbled as I darted to retrieve my towel from the bathroom. I quickly wrapped it around myself, and I heard Sean heave in a shaky breath. Still, I couldn’t help swaying my hips slightly as I walked from the room. He let out a low, warning growl behind me, and I allowed myself a satisfied smirk since my back was to him. I wouldn’t have dared if he could see my expression.

Once I had ordered a cab for him, I retrieved his clothes from where they were scattered across the living room floor. My gaze fell on my destroyed blouse, and I smiled at the memory of him tearing it from me.

I tossed his jeans, t-shirt, and boxers to him once I returned to my bedroom, carefully avoiding looking at him until he was fully clothed. Even then, the sight of his muscular torso filling out his shirt made me weak in the knees.

He crossed the room and gathered me up in his arms, hooking an arm around my lower back and pinning me to him. His other hand gripped my jaw, forcing my face up to his, locking me in place as he plundered my mouth.

Sean was right: he had to go. I pushed against his chest, trying to pull away from him. He held me for a few more seconds, unwilling to allow me to dictate when the kiss ended.

“Okay, get out of here before I lose my resolve and jump you,” I said when he finally released me, my tone low and lustful.

He gave me a sardonic smile. “As you command, ma’am.”

He was mocking me, and god damn it if it didn’t make my clit pulse. My expression must have betrayed my reaction, because he looked at me with satisfaction.

“Will I see you again tonight?” He asked.

I struggled to keep the guilt from showing on my face. I was meeting with Clayton tonight to report on what I had learned from Sean. “I can’t. I have to work late to catch up on my cases,” I lied.

He frowned, but nodded. “Tomorrow then?”

I smiled up at him, unable to conceal my joy at the thought of seeing him again. “Of course,” I said. “I’ll text you when I’m off work.”

He planted one last swift kiss on my forehead before leaving me. I stood there for a moment, regretting the loss of the heat of him. Then I shook myself. I was going to have to rush if I wanted to make it to work on time.

The soreness between my legs as I washed myself in the shower was a bittersweet reminder of our passionate coupling the night before. I relished the memory even as my gut twisted at the thought of my betrayal.

Keep to your task. If you do this, Ronan will never be able to hurt him again.

But the thought did little to assuage the feeling of guilt that made my heart feel heavy in my chest.

“Sean’s father has coerced him into being a member of the Westies. I know it,” I told Clayton firmly as I tried to ignore the camera in the debriefing room. I sincerely hoped that no one other than the FBI would ever see these tapes. If they were used as evidence in court and Sean learned that I had revealed his weakness when it came to his father, I knew that he would never forgive me.