Tragic Love (25 page)

“He sounds like a noble man.”

“He is. I couldn’t ask for a better brother and role model. I’ve always strived to live my life like him. Reggie is selfless, protective and will do anything for his family.” Drake looks into my eyes and I can’t help kissing him. He is absolutely like Reggie. He has all those qualities and each one of them is perfect.

“You are, Drake. I couldn’t ask for a better man in my life,” I say, completely overwhelmed with emotion.

“Okay. Now that I’m aware of your triggers, we can start working on how to cope with those feelings you get. What were you doing before, Presley, to deal with depression? You’ve only turned to drugs just recently so how were you handling everything prior to your drug use?”

I look over to Drake and give him the most apologetic smile I can. “Sex.” Drake’s eyes snap to mine. “Whenever it got to be too much and I needed all the pain to go away. I would use Drake to take it all away.” He looks completed stunned and I think he breaks all over again, knowing that the most precious moments we’ve shared together were because of my need to escape my feelings from Robert instead of my desire to be with him.

“Wait. Let me get something straight. All of those times we made love were just to suppress some shit in your head and you really didn’t want to be with me?” Drake’s eyes are angry and hurt.

“No! Not all the times. I wanted to be with you, more than anything in the world.” How do I explain this without sounding like a complete idiot? “One night, I had a really bad nightmare and needed a distraction. I woke you up and we had the most incredible sex. That was all it took. I discovered having sex with you was away for me to forget about everything in my head, I became instantly addicted and craved that high with you all the time. And right before I got pregnant with Mia, I was insatiable. Remember that?” I feel ashamed.

“Yes.” His voice is hesitant and cold.

“It’s because Robert was in every single thought I had. The terror was eating me from the inside out.”

“But you and I have barely had sex since you were pregnant with Mia and I can count on my hand how many times we’ve had sex since Mia’s been born. Is that why you decided to use? Because I couldn’t help you anymore?” Before I get a chance to answer his question, a revelation flashes across his face. “Wait a minute…Mia?” Drake looks to me, scared to ask his question, but needing to know the answer. “What happened with Mia? Why did you treat her the way you did?”

Here it comes, the final blow that will drive a stake through Drake’s heart and kill him where he sits. God, I really hate myself right now. “I hated Mia.”There it is, a look so gut-wrenching and heartbroken it’s impossible to describe, all you can do is feel it. It’s the most excruciating feeling ever created.

“What do you mean you hated Mia?” He lets go of my hand and walks to the window. His body is rigid and the lack of his touch is spiraling me toward Hell where the evil witch, heroin, lives. I start to run my fingers over the scarred holes in my arm and they’re begging me to open them up. My body is craving to be numb.

FUCK! I start scratching the holes in my arm, wishing I was jamming a needle in them.

Dr. Garner’s hand covers mine as he recognizes I’m on the edge and barely grasping the sides. “It’s okay. He needs to hear this as much as you need to release it. Tell him, Presley.”

“I blamed her for taking you away from me,” I whisper, completely ashamed of myself. “I did the minute you found out I was pregnant. I knew there was no way you would let me give her up for adoption, and when I couldn’t go through with the abortion, I started blaming Mia. Because I knew…she would steal your heart. But I couldn’t get over my feelings of hatred toward her and I was so angry with myself for having those feelings. To this day, I regret every one of them.”All I’ve been in her life is a waste of a mother, doing the bare minimum with her and refusing to let myself love her because I simply didn’t have it in me to give to her. “Once she was born, I knew I was meant to have her because she belongs to you. And I’m so glad I chose not to go through with the abortion.”

“I can’t fucking believe this.” Drake begins to slowly pace in front of the window. “How do you expect me to react to this? You just said you hated our daughter. Do you know how fucked up that is?” Drake turns from the window and kills me with his eyes. He’s being the father I always knew he would be and protecting his child from those who may hurt her.

“Now, Drake, let’s focus on what Presley is saying to you. These thoughts can happen among new mothers and more so with women who’ve struggled with depression. You need to listen to her so she can finally release this pent up feeling.” Dr. Garner stands and directs Drake to come back to the couch.

“I can’t believe this,” Drake whispers to no one.

“Go on, Presley,” Dr. Garner directs

“I wouldn’t allow myself to really look at her. After we left the hospital, I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t want to fall in love with her because I felt, and still do feel, like I don’t deserve her love. Not after the way I handled my pregnancy. I’m so sorry, Drake. I never wanted to tell you this. I never wanted you looking at me the way you are now. You’re disgusted with me and I deserve that.” I take another breath and look once again into his brown eyes. They are hurting, but I have to continue, he needs to know everything. “The guilt of how I was treating Mia, not loving you the way you deserved and all the shit with Robert became too much. Heroin took it all away.”

The anger I know Drake feels is strangling me. Now all my skeletons are out of the closet and the ground looks like a desolate graveyard. I couldn’t keep holding onto it, yet now that I’ve said what I needed to say, I don’t feel any better. In fact, I feel worse. Apologizing for every horrible thing I’ve done is nothing compared to the consequences of my actions. The thoughts are enough to kill me. I won’t blame Drake if he up and leaves me after what I’ve shared. What kind of sick person admits they hated their child? I’m a fucked up mess and now I’ve done too much damage to fix it. It’s broken, just like his heart. Just like my soul.

Dr. Garner breaks the silence between us and I’m grateful. I can’t stand all the thoughts in my head. “Drake, do you have a picture of Mia?”

He looks like he’s ready to snatch Dr. Garner’s head off his shoulders. “Yes. Why?”

“I want Presley to really look at her. I want to know how she will react now that she’s opened herself up and allowed herself to feel those feelings. Are you okay with that, Presley?”

I nod my head as Drake pulls out his cell phone and runs his fingers across the screen. “I took this yesterday before I left.” He hands the phone over to me and the screen goes black before I can look at the picture.

“Okay, Presley, just look at the picture and tell me exactly what comes to your mind. Don’t hold it in, just let it out.”

I push the button on the top of the phone and light up the screen. When I swipe my finger to unlock the screen, my world starts to spin and feelings I’ve never allowed myself to feel begin to surface.

There, on the cell phone, is a happy, little baby with dark brown, curly hair, her daddy’s perfect smile and dimples. The sparkle in her brown eyes resembles my own back when I was happy, and I see the most beautiful creature staring back at me. Tears well up in my eyes as I finally look at the baby I’ve denied for the last seven months. The innocent little girl who I shut out because I was too afraid to deal with everything I was holding inside.

I am overwhelmed. No words can escape my mouth. Deep down, I knew if I really allowed myself to look at her I would completely fall into her dark brown pools. “Tell us, Presley. What are you feeling?” Dr. Garner says, breaking my thoughts.

I look up from the picture only for a moment to meet Drake’s eyes then I look back down to Mia’s chocolate colored eyes. “Love, I feel love.”

Chapter 17

Drake

My heart is pounding so fucking hard against my ribs I feel like I’m on crack. Presley is staring at the picture of Mia—I mean,
really
staring at the picture and the look on her face gives nothing away. The anticipation is killing me. This entire day went from indescribably perfect to a pile of shit in the matter of a few hours. This whole situation couldn’t possible get any worse for me. If Presley looks at Mia’s picture and feels nothing a mother is born to feel for their child, I will be forced to make a choice.

How is a man supposed to choose between the woman he loves and his child? For all our sakes, I hope it never comes down to that. In this impossible situation, if I’m forced to make that decision, I will break the promise I gave to Presley only hours before. Mia is my daughter and there is no way in hell I would ever abandon her. She belongs to me. She will always belong to me. Forever.

Every unanswered truth is clinging in the air, hovering over our heads and ripping me to smithereens. Her eyes meet mine. What the fuck was that look? I’m burning her with the intensity of my stare and then she says, “Love. I feel love.”

I can’t control myself. I jump from the couch and yank Presley into my arms. The phone falls to the floor, causing the screen to crack, but I don’t give a fuck. She’s said the best words I ever wanted to hear.

Presley secures her arms around my neck and sobs. For the first time in possibly her entire life, she finally sees what in life is worth living for; the cheerful smile and brown eyes staring back at her. Mia is the very embodiment of the reason why Presley needs to get up and brush off the old wounds of her past. Mia is love. Mia is life. Now, finally, after months of torturing herself, Presley finally sees that and we can go on living our future together.

I hold onto her until Dr. Garner clears his throat, breaking up our embrace. When I sit down I don’t let her go, instead, I pull her onto my lap and hold her as tightly as I can. Saying thank you repeatedly in my head that she said she feels love. This has been the most grueling four hours I’ve ever experienced. In that short amount of time, I’ve managed to run through every catalog of feelings a million times over and I am physically drained of all energy. There is absolutely nothing left to give because everything is gone. Exhausted. Spent. Done.

“That was an impressive session and I can see why the both of you are so connected. Not many couples can face troubles of this magnitude and leave feeling better than when you came in. I see you both are in tune with each other’s emotions, but now we need to work on expressing those emotions versus bottling them up.”

He turns his attention directly to Presley and his tone shifts to fatherly. “Regardless of how painful you may think the feeling could be to Drake, it’s not as damaging as it is when you hold those feeling inside. Tell him. Talk to him. Because from what I’ve seen today, this man will do anything to help you. Don’t be afraid to accept that help.”

The doctor shifts his gaze back to me and says, “Drake, I will reach out to you if another family session is needed and I understand the drive is a long one, so we might want to have you on the phone if you’re unable to make the trip.” Dr. Garner stands and stretches his arms above his head. The exhaustion is showing on his eyes as it is on mine and Presley’s.

“Now, I have two requests for you, Drake, and then we can wrap up for today. First, I want you to write Presley a letter. Saying anything your heart desires. You could write about significant moments you’ve shared together, your feelings surrounding those particular moments, and so on. Then, when you feel the time is right, share the letter with her. This is a good exercise to keep the path of communication open and it also allows Presley to learn how to process what you’re telling her and to utilize her newly acquired coping techniques. Second, I want you to do something for yourself. There are many programs available to help the family of an addict. The programs teaches loved ones how to cope with the unique dynamic supporting an addict in recovery and teach you how you can support yourself through these tough times.” Dr. Garner hands me a couple of pamphlets for twelve-step programs in the Sulfur Heights area. “Nar-Anon is an excellent program, I’ve referred many patients there and I strongly encourage you to sign up. You need to get support too, Drake. These programs are meant to make both of you successful in Presley’s recovery.”

I think hard about what Dr. Garner has said today. I know I need help dealing with Presley’s issues and I want to support her anyway I can. I study the pamphlet for Nar-Anon then store it in my pocket. I will call them once when we get home. Then there’s the letter. What the hell would I say? We’ve had so many significant moments in the last three years that I’m not sure where I would start, but that is for another day. Right now, my mind needs to shut off and I only want to feel her body in my arms.

***

I stay in the lounge area, holding Presley in my arms. Nurse Ratched approaches us and says she will call security if I don’t make my way to the door in the next ten minutes. Rolling my eyes at her, I decide once I see security then I will leave, but until then, she can piss off.

We’ve barely spoken a single word since we’ve left our session with Dr. Garner. There is nothing left for us to say. Nothing left for our brains to process. The day has been intense and we can’t say another word.

Snuggled in my lap, Presley asks to see my phone and begins scrolling through pictures. She starts with the picture of Mia I took before Jake and I came to Memphis. As she scrolls through each image, it becomes a digital reminder of what she has missed over the last seven months. Pictures of Mia fill my phone’s gallery, each one taking Presley back further in time.

I savor having Presley in my arms and it almost kills me to think about having to leave, knowing we only have a few short minutes left. We stand from the couch once I hear the nurse on the phone with security. The small, black box in my pocket is pressing into my leg, but I want her to have the necklace before I leave. It’s important that she knows even though I’m not here physically, I’m always with her as she lives in my heart.