Tragic Love (21 page)

I went through therapy, but I couldn’t really explain why I was so sad. I just was. That’s how I’ve always been. I was prescribed medication after my treatment, taught different ways to cope with my depression and I started to feel better. As for my depression, I think I was just born with it. An evil twin I can’t get rid of.

When I left Dr. Garner’s office today I actually felt a tiny bit better. His honest, round, blue eyes are not judgmental and I can find resemblance between him and my dad. He has a short, pear-shaped body with graying hair and a welcoming smile.

I think I will be okay, but I’m still scared to talk about the real reason I’m so screwed up now. The reason fear closing my eyes at night and why I continue to wake up in a cold sweat. Robert. How can I talk about it without other consequences haunting someone else? Reggie saved my life and Darcie’s. How could I punish him for that? But I’m not sure I can keep living with the nightmares without saying something to someone. I’ve got time, though; so I’ll cross that bridge another day.

Drake

The last of the boxes are loaded in the rental truck as I lock up my vacant apartment. When I look at this place, I hate every memory created here. Between Presley and me, nothing except bad memories has lived here and I’m glad to close my door to them. The only thing I will really miss is having Mrs. Fields right next door. She was sad to see us move, but understood why I couldn’t be here anymore.

I will bring Mia here when I go to work in the morning, and on the weekends when I have to bartend, but it won’t be as easy as walking next door. Financially, as much of a challenge as it was, I could have managed to keep the apartment, but it was the terrorizing nightmare of seeing Presley dying on the bathroom floor that has become too much for me. I needed to go home and surround myself with what I know is comfortable…happy.

My baby girl has grown so much over the last month; I know Presley will be shocked to see how much Mia has changed. She is a little chunk with a full head of brown hair and the most beautiful, honey-brown eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re Presley’s eyes. Mia is into everything as she crawls around and is always full of smiles when she does it. The most trying experience, so far as a dad, was watching Mia get her six month shots. I knew they were going to make her cry and they are necessary, however it still made me want to punch the nurse in the face. I hate seeing my little girl in pain.

Jake still insists on calling her Axl, and Mia just laughs whenever her Uncle Jake is around. I know they’ve bonded when Delilah was taking care of her this past summer, and I’m glad to see she still loves him. I have to admit Jake has seriously changed for the better since meeting Delilah. He still drinks like a fish and sleeps around with women he picks up from the bar, but his attitude is more mature. It’s hard to describe, he’s just different. I think their friendship is important to him, and for Jake, that’s saying something.

I meet my family at the truck and we all pile in our vehicles. I take one last look at the apartment complex and then sweep my eyes across the pool area. I have yet to see Carter Brown since the night he pulled a gun on me and dragged Presley’s comatose body up the stairs. When I do see him, I’m going to knock his teeth out.

Before any of that can happen, however, I need to know just how involved he was with Presley. Was it strictly a dealer, junkie relationship or was there more? I can’t imagine Carter not having any interest in her considering he took her home the day before her overdose. Dealers I’ve known could care less about the people they sell to. Did he take advantage of her when she was out of her mind and high as a kite? So help me God, I will kill him if he took advantage of her like that.

Shaking my thoughts of Carter, I jump in the truck and drive to my childhood home. The place where good memories live and Mia can grow up having the same happy memories as I did.

I can’t wait for Presley to come home. I want to hold her in my arms, feel her naked body underneath mine and press my lips across every inch of soft skin.

Jake and I have already started planning the road trip to Memphis. We have thirty days behind us and thirty more to go before I can see her again. For now, I will keep with my routine of work, Mia and reliving the best moment of my life; the day three years ago when I looked into Presley Quinn’s eyes for the first time and completely drowned.

Presley

Week Five:

The urges to use are finally starting to subside and not consuming my every thought. Although the temptation is still there, I am learning to cope with my depression in other ways. I’ve been taking my medication religiously and, as much as I hate to admit it, I think it’s helping. Unlike the last time, these meds don’t keep me awake or make me feel super sluggish. I feel completely comfortable talking to Dr. Garner and we’ve talked in depth about my childhood, death of my parents, my relationship with Drake and coping with motherhood.

Ever since I’ve had a cleared head, the piling guilt regarding my lack of mothering Mia has really been killing me. She is seven months old and I’ve done everything to shut her out of my life. I’ve turned off every growing feeling I had toward her all because I was too scared and selfish to deal with own my problems in the right way. She didn’t ask for this and neither did Drake. After talking about it with Dr. Garner, he said it is very common for women to experience depression after they have a child, especially women who’ve already struggled with depression.

It felt liberating and sickening all at the same time. I finally told Dr. Garner my dark thoughts about motherhood. I didn’t hold back when I shared my attempt to get an abortion. How I would pass her off on anyone just so I wouldn’t have to look her in the eyes, and the even more horrifying thoughts of abandoning her just so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of it. The only way I could deal with anything was to get high. Even though she is young, will Mia resent me when she’s older? Will she remember me doing everything in my power to not love her?

Currently, we’ve been talking in depth about Drake and my relationship. I explained to him how we met and it felt good to talk about the instant connection we had when we first met; the day Darcie interfered with Vanessa’s tormenting and introduced me to a group of misfit boys I’ve come to love as my family. One boy in particular became my lifeline and I miss him more than anything in this entire world. I couldn’t imagine any part of my life without him. The memories I have with him have been the best parts of my life and I will always hold them dear to me.

When Dr. Garner asked how I came to live with Drake before I graduated high school and what happened to my uncle, I clammed up. I couldn’t say anything because I was scared of what I might share and who it would hurt. Right now, he is allowing me to bypass it, but it won’t work for long.

In twenty-one more days I will see Drake and we can talk it about then. I just have to hold off until I see Drake then I can tell him I going to talk about Robert.

Week Six:

This week has probably been the worst week since arriving almost two months ago. Dr. Garner started pressing me again to give him some inkling from my time with Robert. I wish he would just respect my wishes and know I’m not ready for that. I don’t know if I can face those demons without Drake by my side, let alone together. Too much is riding on my story.

If I tell the full story, the family dynamic will be destroyed, but if I don’t share something, I will be done. Is there a way for me to share part of the story? I doubt it. Dr. Garner is a quick one and will know if I’m keeping part of the story from him. The good doctor has so brilliantly pinpointed my experience with my uncle as my trigger for my depression and the need to use. Well, no shit, Sherlock. God, Drake, please get here. I feel like I’m slowly collapsing inside again and the evil witch has her claws sunk into me once more. I can’t fucking stand this. Please come, Drake. Please hurry!

I haven’t had the willpower to do anything lately. I missed my therapy sessions a couple of days, told Nurse Ratched to piss off and now I’m trying to think of every excuse under the sun not to sneak out the back door and find the nearest crack house. The only thing plaguing my mind is my uncle and Carter.

I miss Carter more than I probably should. Is that my withdrawal talking? I don’t know, but what I do know is, if I were to see his face, I would fall into everything all over again. Right now, it’s the only thing I want to do. Hopefully, seeing Drake’s face will take all this anxiety away from me, otherwise…all of this is pointless.

Week Seven:

Everything consumes my mind. I don’t need to write it down because I will never forget it. I close my eyes and I see everything—needles, Robert, heroin, Mia, spoons, Drake, belt and Carter. It’s been flashing in my head and I’m slowly going out of my mind. I’m ready to give up. I need Drake. I need to make it one more week. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

Week Eight:

The countdown is finally over and in a few short days I will have the love of my life standing in front of me. I’m terrified to look into his eyes. The last time I saw them they were bloodshot and broken. Broken because of me. Will he ever be able to mend all of his broken pieces? Will he need to be without me in order for his broken pieces to heal? I’m scared to find out, but I desperately need to know.

Chapter 14

Drake

“Jake, are you ready, man? We needed to be on the road an hour ago,” I shout from my Chevelle, waiting for Jake’s slow ass to get in gear.

We’ve been planning this road trip for a month, and in fourteen hours I will finally have Presley in my arms again, hearing her voice. Seeing her after this long is going to be strange.

Presley said it would be too hard for her to follow the steps of the program if we talked on a daily basis. Reluctantly, I did as she asked. I know she needs to focus on getting better and the last thing I wanted to do is stand in the way of her recovery. The lack of contact has been slowly driving me insane, though. My arms feel empty when she’s not near me and the ache in my heart is constant. Now I need to focus on making it through this road trip so I can look into her eyes and fall in all over again.

I went back and forth wondering if I should bring Mia with me, but Darcie convinced me that rehab probably isn’t the best place to reunite mother and child. After considering it, it’s probably for the best. I don’t know what version of Presley I will get—the happy, smiling woman I fell in love with or the sad, emotional train wreck she became—however whichever version it is, I will take it because she still has all of me and always will.

The day after Presley left, I went to a jewelry store on the north side of town, looking for something to give her. I wasn’t sure what I was really wanting, but I knew it needed to be significant. I felt a little out of place, being no one from my side of town comes into a place this fancy, but then I saw exactly what I was looking for.

The white gold necklace was beautiful, with a longer chain and dangling on the end was a heart shaped pendant incrusted with tiny diamonds. It was perfect. Picturing Presley wear it makes me smile. I want her to know, no matter where she goes or what happens in our crazy life, my heart will always be with her. That our love will survive through anything. Now I can feel the black velvet box in my jeans pocket and it won’t come out until I can fasten the chain around her neck.

“Holy hell, man, calm the fuck down. We will make it to Memphis by nine a.m. and you can’t go see her until ten a.m., so chill the hell out.” Jake tosses his bag in the trunk and moves over to the passenger seat.

He looks like he just rolled out of bed, picked jeans and winkled t-shirt out of the basket and came upstairs. “You haven’t seen Delilah in two months and you’re going to meet up with her looking like that? Worse yet, smelling like that?” I roll down the window slightly as I back out of the driveway and point the car in the direction of Memphis.

“Why? What do I smell like?” Jake begins to lift his arms and takes a large inhale of his armpit region. Disgusting. “Roses. That’s all I smell.” I let out a smartass laugh as he smirks over at me.

Jake smells nothing like roses, unless those flowers were dosed in stale whisky. Jake begins to rub his newest tattoo on his bicep. The tattoo is the latest ink in the line of many already covering his arm, completing his sleeve.

“Jake, you smell like Jack Daniels and dirty women. As much as Delilah can tolerate your exceptional personality, I don’t think she really wants to be anywhere near you when you smell like a whore house.”

“Hmmm. Well, I guess we better get our ass in gear so I can shower before I see my little southern angel.” He pulls his cell phone from his pocket and begins to send a text message while I blast Foo Fighters and push the accelerator until we hit eighty. This will be the longest fourteen hours of my life, but soon I will be holding my girl in my arms.

***

It’s a little past midnight when we finally make it through Indianapolis and I merge west onto I-70, heading toward St. Louis. About an hour into this trip I determined GPS is probably the best invention ever made. Jake is a horrible navigator and has spent much of the trip sleeping or texting on his cell phone.

I’m so amped up for meeting Presley, I may not sleep until we go home tomorrow night. The peace and quiet is welcomed, especially when Jake is the only person to have a conversation with, yet I need a distraction from my mind. I’m so anxious, happy and terrified to see Presley I can hardly see straight. I love her so much and I know from the depths of my stomach she will be okay, but I still feel nervous about seeing her.