Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (3 page)

Extra Tip: Be Trusting

The dictionary defines
trust
as confidence in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability.

Is this you 100 percent of the time? We have the responsibility to take good care of ourselves and others. In general, we have a choice about which stance we take in life. Choose suspicion, and life is not going to be particularly pleasant, but we won’t be misled very often. If we take a trusting stance, life is going to be a lot more pleasant, but sometimes we are going to be taken in.

My mom took the suspicion route and my dad took the trusting stance.

I remember that I couldn’t play with Dougie, our next-door neighbor, because my mom said Dougie had “sneaky eyes.” So of course I started looking for sneaky-eyed people. The good news was that my dad’s approach was to trust everyone unless they “did you wrong.” Dad always said, “Lie to me once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame on me.”

So at least I was raised with a little balance.

How about you? What were the lessons you learned about trust? How do you apply them in your life? How do you apply them in toxic situations?

A business colleague sent me this example. In the real world, trust is the cornerstone of a successful long-term business relationship.

Clive, one of my vendors, began talking directly to one of my long-term customers, a woman named Jamie. I was quite surprised, because he had never before circumvented our company and approached our clients directly. I had already suggested some of his products to Jamie.

Clive made promises to her that I knew could not be kept and gave Jamie bad information about our pricing. He took her business from us and dealt with her directly.

Due to Clive’s lies, I lost a great client, and I really thought there was no way to win her back. I didn’t want to look like a weak link or come off like sour grapes. So, I studied various approaches and found a very useful communication model that I used.

Here’s how I decided to approach Jamie. I said, “I am honored to be part of your supply chain. We have both enjoyed a great working relationship. My concern is that you have accurate data that allows you to make decisions with information that is correct.”

I continued, “Clive gave you some background information about my business and company practices that I would like to correct. Do you want me to share those details with you now, or should we invite Clive to join us so you can hear the entire story?”

My goal was to open Jamie’s mind, voice my concern, and provide correct information. The statement of the problem was brief, and I offered Jamie two choices. She was able to choose and felt ownership in the situation. We did win her business back!

Toxic People abound in today’s business environment and provide that hair in your biscuit. Your challenge is to dump old approaches and create new skills that will effectively help you succeed. Evaluating each situation and being comfortable with your approach to move forward will make every situation easier to handle.

Y
ou can no longer avoid responsibility for your conflicts, bad relationships, or how people treat you. I know you are confronted with injustices that you cannot change. Favoritism, privileges not deserved, and stupid people who tick you off permeate your work environment. If you believe the universe should give you a fair break, say “Amen!”

If you don’t work well with others, these six rules can help you change. If you work with people who don’t work well with you, these will help you stay sane.

Don’t Try to Change People

The only person you can change is yourself. Constantly review and polish the skills you know work. If you don’t have the skills, attend a seminar, read a book, download information to your iPod, or do something else that will help you acquire them. Visit my web site at www.MarshaPetrieSue.com, where you will find tons of information to help you be better at managing your problems.

Lori hired Geoff on the recommendation of a friend. Geoff was likable and well received by the sales group and by the clients. The only issue that Lori was warned about was his challenge with time management.

After just one month, the complaints from clients and the administration began to flood in about his missed appointments, improperly completed contracts, unreturned phone calls, and more. Geoff admitted to his problem and promised to improve.

His second month was not much better, so Lori decided to send him to a time management class. Geoff was thrilled that she was helping him with this ongoing problem. The class provided excellent resources and ideas, including individual coaching from the trainer for six months. The first week after the class was fabulous, and Lori congratulated him on improving his paperwork flow and general follow-up.

Halfway into the following week, Geoff fell off the wagon and went back to his old habits. Lori warned him that he had one month to resolve these issues or he would be released from employment. Lori was grateful that the human resources department had set up a six-month trial employment period so any new hire who didn’t work out could be released.

And that is what Lori had to do. Geoff was not surprised at all and said, “Oh, well. It’s just too difficult to change. I don’t want to work that hard.”

Quit Knee-Jerking

Notice that
knee-jerking
contains the word
jerk
? In my opinion, if you are knee-jerking, you’re the jerk and you will get jerky outcomes! You have to learn the difference between
responding
to Toxic People and reacting to them. Responding is learned, and reacting is knee-jerk. Choosing to react contaminates situations, and conflict is the result. Do you want to give your control and power to other people? When you use an inappropriate approach, you are reacting without thinking; your mission will be accomplished, but it won’t be a positive one. Remember that reacting without thinking is when you are hijacked by mental terrorism.

Responding is taking the communication and mental tools you know and applying them to a situation. My father said to me, “Put your mind in gear before running off at the mouth.” It’s too bad it took me so long to learn how to do it. How about you? Do you
always
have your mind in gear, or do you knee-jerk?

Control Ugly Outcomes

Okay—someone ticks you off. You can either knee-jerk or use a more mature approach of digging deeper and finding out where
they
are coming from. Choose to knee-jerk and you will have anger, conflict, and problems. Choose maturity and skill, and you will manage the Toxic Person and situation effectively. Just try it.

No excuses.

IN YOUR FACE

Faye’s boss approached her again with his finger pointed in her face, screaming, “And if you can’t do it, I’ll find someone who can!” She jumped to his commands, worked too many hours, and never seemed to satisfy his expectations. Faye had to face the fact that her boss was a Toxic Person. When she began asking him to define the outcomes he expected, he became louder and crazier. Her stomach hurt, and she had terrible headaches and couldn’t sleep.

So, Faye made a decision. She evaluated her talents, revised her resume, and put the word out that she was interested in a change. Faye networked diligently. She had a mini makeover and updated her business look. A Fortune 100 company heard through the grapevine that she was looking. After a series of interviews, she was hired. She never once said that she had worked for a Toxic Person. She focused on what she really wanted: to be able to use her talents to help a company become even more successful and to be appreciated for her contributions.

Her strategic efforts got her the job of her dreams. In her new position her health improved, because her toxic work situation was what had been making her sick.

Faye’s friend Mark was in a similar position. He had less geographical flexibility and didn’t want to move, so he networked within his company and nearby. Before long, another department hired Mark because he was able to package and market himself in a positive way.

Both Faye and Mark took charge of their situations and used their skills to move forward.

Dump the “Yabit Habit”

How do you feel when you make a comment or suggestion to someone and they say, “Yes, but . . .”? These two words discount everything previously said, and conflict can occur. Start listening for these words, because they are commonly used by Toxic People.

“Yes, but . . .” “Yeah, but . . .” “Yah, but . . .” “Ya, but . . .” “Ya, bit . . .” “Yabit . . .”

Enter the Yabit Habit. Replace “Yes, but . . .” with “However” or “And.” “Yes, but . . .” negates what the other person has said and can jump-start toxicity in them and for the relationship. “Yes, but . . .” said repeatedly leads to the Yabit Habit.

I HATE MY JOB

Bob would wake up in the morning with the voice in his head saying,

“I hate my job.” He had been with the same company for many years and was just holding out for retirement. He hated his responsibilities, his boss was a toad, and his team was too gung ho. His teammates would reproach him for not carrying his load, and he would say, “Yes, but I’ve been here for 27 years and it is time for me to relax.” The team would try to reason with him about his lack of effort and he would Yabit them: “Yes, but I’ve worked my tail off, and the company should let me slide for the next couple of years.”

Bob’s wife, Judy, was concerned about him. She would often suggest that he take up a hobby and Bob would respond, “Yes, but if I do that I’ll be too tired to work,” or the ever-popular “Yes, but I don’t have enough energy now to even play golf with my buddies.” So Bob’s work ethic was awful, his work product was sacrificed, and guess what happened? The company outsourced his job overseas and Bob was laid off.

He Yabited himself into unemployment.

I LOVE MY JOB

Karol has been in banking ever since graduating from college. She quickly recognized that spending her career as a teller was not what she wanted. She identified the type of work she was attracted to, then found a mentor to help her understand the kind of education she needed. Randy, her mentor, was wonderful and guided her through the banking maze. Each time a bank Karol worked for merged with another, Karol’s job would be in jeopardy because of job redundancy. In the 20 years of her career, she has been laid off three times. Every time one bank bought out another, she made the choice to put a positive spin on the merger and welcomed the opportunity to move up to an even better banking position.

Randy has remained a good friend and mentor. Her connection with him, as well as her focused choices, allowed her to not become a victim of circumstance.

Watch Your Mouth

Stop saying, “Do you understand?” How do you feel when someone says this to you? Does the mental terrorism in your own head kick in? Do you say to yourself, “Well, do you think I’m an idiot?

Of course I understand!” Enter toxicity. Change this question to “I want to make sure I was clear. Would you please tell me what you heard in your own words?” or something to that effect. Be careful not to sound condescending. Use open body language—no crossed arms. Avoid sarcasm, and deliver your message with consideration and graciousness.

WELL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

With her arms folded, May, the team lead, entered the project planning session and gave each seated participant a short memo outlining an additional client request. She requested they read the memo, and each diligently did so. Then she asked condescendingly, “Do you understand?” The group all silently nodded and waited for May to leave. They then spent the next half hour discussing her arrogance and rudeness. Simply rephrasing the question and altering her body language would have helped the team get on with integrating the client’s request into the project. What a waste of time and energy when people don’t look at better approaches. May had a hard time working well with others.

If you look at life through a negative lens, I can guarantee negative outcomes. You really do become what you think about. I made a choice some time ago to be positive—not to be a Pollyanna but to be realistic. My discovery was that Toxic People really don’t like being around positive people, because positive people have tools to manage their ugly behavior. Negative people don’t. Remember that a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

What puts you in the toxic frame of mind? What do you really need to do when you go there mentally? You probably perceive yourself as always getting the middle seat—that place in life where you’ve got a meanie on one side and a real jerk on the other. You know how to solve the problem: Decide not to play their game.

Start changing your focus today, and you will be amazed how Toxic People lose the game.

• Create pleasant memories.
  Set yourself up for happiness by planning events that you know will have happy endings. Instead of maintaining a pattern of defeat and ugliness, you begin to see things in a more positive light. My belief is that you actually train yourself how to enjoy the present and create your future.
  
• Relish every day.
  Learn to celebrate small things and combat sameness. Concentrate on staying pleasant, and learn to be grateful. Don’t get caught up in an excess of anything—eating, sleeping, exercising, working, shopping, or anything else.
  
• See friends and make connections.
  Go out of your way, right now, to send an e-mail or text message to someone you care for and haven’t connected with in a while. Individuals who are connected tend to be more emotionally resilient. Just knowing you have support makes it easier to tolerate life’s little disasters.
  
• Stay out of heavy traffic
  , because it just makes you realize your lack of control. Like life, sometimes you have to find a new route. This mentally places you in control, and you are in for a more pleasant ride.
  
• Limit your options
  ; otherwise your mind stimulates debate. There are just too many choices in life. Too many choices equals using your limited time and energy on trivial decisions. Instead of reading every item on the six-page restaurant menu, know what you want before you arrive. When I go out for a routine lunch, for example, I narrow it down by knowing I’ll order some salad that has chicken in it. Then I can focus on my company and any business or socializing.
  
• Enjoy what you do
  —you own your career. You choose the job. Are you upset about some event at work? Be grateful you have a job, and create an environment of success for yourself.
  
• Don’t follow the herd
  . Don’t talk, dress, or act like the rest of the people, but stay within your own comfort zone.
  
• Use humor
  . Lighten up. You take yourself way too seriously. Laugh more.
  
• Learn from your mistakes
  . Get over them and move on.
  
• Form your own opinions
  . Think for yourself. Don’t take what you read in the newspaper, see on television, hear on the radio, or Google on the Internet as gospel. And don’t conform to someone else’s thinking just to have them like you.
  
• Play to win
  . Success, by your own definition, is a critical component for you to have a happy life, build good relationships, and die satisfied with the person you have chosen to be. You are 100 percent in control.