Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (10 page)

I share this account because you do not have to tolerate poor behavior and Toxic People. You do not have to be nice. It’s difficult to remember the right behavior or communication strategies to use when Toxic People are around. Too often, we become passive; we just take these behaviors at face value. There are times when such acceptance is not enough. Remember the TLC choices discussed earlier. You can take the person as she or he is, leave them or the situation, or work to make changes in your response to them.

There are steps you can take to decontaminate Toxic People.

What’s your plan?

W
hy is it that you can always think of the right thing to say
after
a difficult communication? Because you don’t use what you know! VIP (very important plotting: verbiage, intent, and posture) communication tells you to put your mind in gear before opening your mouth.

You know this; you just don’t always do it! Understanding how to communicate more effectively is no guarantee that your interactions will automatically improve. Understanding is one thing, whereas achieving a different outcome is another. You have to practice new behaviors over and over to develop a habit. This is just as true for verbal skills as it is for any others.

Habits for VIP Communication

If you want to move into the upper echelon of VIP communicators, you will have to create habits built on what you already know: verbiage, intent, and posture. The fact that you have seen other people manage fights, angry people, and toxic situations proves that these are learnable skills. If you can’t deal with Toxic People now, it’s not that it can’t be done; it’s just that you have not yet chosen to learn and polish your skills to get it done.

VERBIAGE

Think of the words that send you into orbit. For me, the phrase “Do you understand?” has a very negative connotation. “Do they think I’m stupid?” is what’s going through my head when I hear that phrase.

For many people, such comments feel like a verbal slap in the face.

Have you had this experience, too? If so, do you ever find yourself doing the same to other people? Why? Eliminate such words today and instead choose to say something like, “I want to make sure I was clear. Can you please play that back in your own words?”

Always give others a reason for listening to you. Choose words that benefit them. VIP conversation should be less about you and more about the other party. Keep in mind that good judgment comes from experience, and much experience comes from bad judgment.

INTENT

Approach toxic situations with positive intent and eliminate the focus of getting them before they get you. Results improve when you anticipate meeting others with a positive intent that focuses on everyone’s desired outcomes. Another critical issue is keeping a positive attitude about what you are
capable
of saying. You can do this by filling your mind and mental toolbox with affirmations such as: “I have practiced this scenario and understand the words that will ultimately get the best results.”

Eliminate all thoughts and visions of a negative outcome when you plan your encounters. Why? Because what you think will influence how you come across to others. People are smart and clever. They can see right through a phony attempt to “meet their needs.” In addition, positive intent gives
you
power and control, and isn’t that what you ultimately want?

A seeming contradiction to being proactive is the strategy of just letting go. Your intent may be to resolve the situation, but occasionally, in your heart, you know it will never work. You must have a well-developed sense of self-awareness to walk away and know it is the right thing to do. No matter how good your skills or what your intent may be, you will never resolve every situation. Whether it is a boss, a colleague, or a subordinate, there are just some relationships that are not going to work. They should be a small minority—less than 2 percent. And make sure you do not take these irresolvable conversations, situations, or relationships personally. Reaffirm your own thinking process by being sure you
do
evaluate the situation to figure out what you might have done differently, in order to increase your skills for future encounters.

POSTURE

Eliminate emotional posturing and closed body language.

Crossed arms, furrowed brow, intense glare, and no smile are physical communication signals indicating that trouble lies ahead. You
know
you shouldn’t be doing things like this when working on improving communications. You subconsciously use them because they have become habits. Train yourself to stand with your arms uncrossed, lean forward, push the energy toward the other person, and keep a pleasant, non-threatening look on your face.

Start watching the posturing of others by observing their energy levels. Then when you do have a toxic situation, you are one step ahead. Do they express their thoughts and emphasize their points by using their bodies and gestures? Or are they more reserved physically? They may have a natural drive to conserve energy. These differences are noticeable in group situations, because energetic people gain momentum within a crowd. In contrast, less energetic individuals are drained, causing them to become withdrawn. You can apply this energy observation when approaching Toxic People by matching your energy level to theirs. Remember, your control of the situation comes from watching and waiting.

Watch for animation, or lack of it, in their facial expressions.

People who are real thinkers are not facially expressive in general.

This means my posturing and body language with them will be less animated. The other side of this is to watch for physical expressions such as pulling a chair closer during a discussion, leaning toward or away from you, or pushing documents to the side.

Changes in approach such as attempting to be more diplomatic, becoming highly emotional, or changing the subject provide other cues to respond to.

Posturing is not just physical. How about written communications? Think about how you set up your e-mails. Do you create eye appeal for the reader, or is your message a plethora of words with little structure and rambling requests? Pay attention to what appeals to you and how others arrange elements of their communication.

Put yourself on notice for using negative words. Load your thinking with positive responses and words like “can” and “will,” instead of negatives like “can’t,” “won’t,” didn’t,” and “not.”

Instead of saying “You make me mad and upset,” consider saying, “I am upset when we do not take the time to understand each other’s point of view.” This restatement is very subtle, and not always easy to remember in the heat of dealing with a Toxic Person. It is, however, the best approach. It’s one worth practicing so you have it readily available in your toolbox.

Communicating Results: Quick Reference Chart
Here are 27 ways to say what you mean and get what you
want. Record yourself talking and eliminate the phrases that
rob you of confidence and good communication outcomes.

USE ABUSE WHY

“However . . .” or “Yes, but . . .”

Avoids discounting what “And . . .”

is said.

“You may be right.”

“It is not.”

Hears other’s thoughts.

“Help me understand.”

“You are wrong.”

Reduces conflict.

“Let’s try this.”

“That’s not

Stimulates thinking.

practical; it

won’t work.”

“I need your help.”

“Here’s why this is

Aims for cooperation.

good for you.”

“Is everything “How can I

Eliminates the emotions.

satisfactory?”

do better?”

“Here’s what I can do.”

“Here’s what I

Focuses on the positive.

can’t do.”

“Let’s work together.”

“You must do

Works with others.

what I say.”

“A consideration is . . .”

“You’ll have to . . .”

Invites cooperation.

“Please consider . . .”

“I recommend . . .”

Focuses on others first.

“What is the fairest “Do it my way.”

Appeals to equality.

way?”

“I understand. I need “I disagree.”

Acknowledges ideas.

to look further at . . .”

“I am upset when that “You make me

Gives power away.

happens.”

upset.”

“I choose to make the “I can’t change

Shows personal

best of . . .”

who I am.”

accountability.

“I can manage my “I don’t have time.”

Avoids powerless phrase.

available time.”

“Let’s see what we “Ask someone else.” Be part of the solution.

can do.”

“I’m getting better at . . .” “I’m not good at . . .”

Beliefs become reality.

“I planned well.”

“I’m lucky.”

Creates your own luck.

“What questions do “Do you have any

Eliminates yes,

you have?”

questions?”

no.

“I hear your point of “I disagree.”

Keeps an open mind.

view.”

“Sometimes “Everything

Avoids

absolutes.

some things . . .”

always . . .”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t blame me!”

Admits mistakes.

“Thank you.”

“Oh, it was nothing.”

Takes credit.

“I want to.”

“I hate to.”

Focuses on the positive.

“I learned.”

“I failed.”

Expands skills.

“It’s over; that’s all.”

“What if it gets

Creates positive results.

worse?”

“Starting today I will . . .”

“If only I had . . .”

Changes tomorrow.

Please e-mail us at [email protected] if you would like a copy of the above list.

Take time to understand what will work within communications. Practice being a VIP communicator. Remember that you have control over three things: what you think, what you say, and how you behave. No one controls these but you. Take personal responsibility for dealing with the Toxic People in your life, because if you don’t, they will take you down.

Plotting to Manage Toxic Bosses

You do not have to put up with toxic behavior from your superiors.

What you
do
have to do is understand how you can avoid becoming a victim of circumstance. This is a really hot topic for me!

It doesn’t matter if your boss is any one of the six toxic types or a combination of several types. You have choices on how to handle the problem. Some people are irritating but seldom really harmful to you and your career, whereas others are really out to get you.

This is where your personal responsibility lies—to distinguish one from the other.

ILLEGAL OR UNETHICAL BEHAVIOR

You must determine whether your boss’s behavior is illegal or unethical. No one else will intercede unless you take action. Don’t wait for someone else to figure out what is happening, because they won’t. I’ve found that most people are too afraid to even recognize a problem, much less address it. The reason? They don’t respect themselves, their skills, or their capabilities enough to view themselves as having control. How about you?

When your boss displays truly unethical behavior, you must decide whether you can live with just letting it go unaddressed. If you decide to take action, my suggestion is to make sure you consider the working environment before proceeding. If you work in a very small company, there may not be a human resources department. If you have a mentor, he or she would be the best one to consult for a second opinion. If you have not found a mentor, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) has a web site with suggestions on how to handle your employment problems.

Linda enjoyed her boss, colleagues, and job and knew her position was a great fit for her talents and skills. Maggie, her supervisor, called her one day after she had submitted her time and expense report. Linda could hardly believe her ears—Maggie was upset because Linda had not expensed enough for her client lunches. Linda defended her charges by saying, “Well, that was the actual expense. I know it is company policy not to pad the expense account in any way.”

She was scolded by Maggie, who said, “You’re making me look bad. The other manager’s expense report is twice yours and he has half the client base! Walk through the graveyard to get names, save some of your personal receipts, and put them on your expense report!” Linda was dumbfounded and needed to think before she could respond. After a long pause, she finally said, “That’s an interesting approach,” and ended the conversation. She tried to show no emotion or any signs of being upset.

An ethical issue was launched, and Linda had to make a decision.

The company’s human resources department had just distributed new policies that included a statement about “maintaining an ethical working environment,” so she decided to approach them. She explained her situation, without using names, to get some idea of the options available to her. She was able to get the answers needed to move forward in a way that maintained her integrity and did indeed contribute to the ethical working environment the company espoused.

When interviewing for a position, it is your responsibility to determine whether the company environment is principled. Does the mission statement contain language that includes the company’s ethical practices? Has the company established a whistle-blower access line? Does it have a human resources department or other resource that helps the employees with workplace issues? It is critical to set yourself up for success. Beware of the Enron syndrome where a job is filled because of greed!

IRRITATING BEHAVIOR

When your boss’s behavior is irritating, you must decide to approach him or her. Don’t complain or gossip to others—ever. This is your issue, not theirs. You can, however, take a hypothetical situation similar to yours and approach a colleague asking what he or she might do in similar circumstances. You may want to say that a friend of yours working with a different company has the problem.