Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (19 page)

For a copy of this scorecard, email me at Information@Marsha PetrieSue.com.

Make several copies of the scorecard. The first copy should be scored by you about you—and be honest. What is the perception you have of how you work with people, lead, manage, and supervise? When scoring is complete, determine what three areas you do best in, and continue to focus on these as the good skills you have developed. Also determine the three areas you would most like to improve and circle them. Put this copy of the scorecard in a safe place.

Take 10 or so copies of the blank scorecard and distribute them to people with whom you work. Ask each person to complete the scorecard honestly and anonymously (one of the group can gather the completed scorecards and return them all to you). Look at the scoring others have done and see if there are any gaps between your perception and theirs.

Those blind spots are areas for you to work on, if you so choose.

One thing is guaranteed: If you choose not to address the differences in perception, you will continue to ruffle feathers. Most people never want to “scorecard” themselves because they are afraid of what they will find out. How about you?

The retreat for a prominent law firm in the Northwest had begun without the attendance of one of the lead attorneys, Hampton. The retreat needs analysis completed by the employees of the firm revealed that there was unmitigated tension caused by the missing attorney. Hampton was arrogant and rude, and really didn’t care what others thought of him.

The entire firm was still reeling from his most recent attack on one of the paralegals, Anne, whom he fired for no apparent reason. Two of the secretaries walked out that same afternoon because they couldn’t take the ongoing tension caused by Hampton’s upsetting behavior.

Due to its high turnover, the firm was having a difficult time recruiting new employees and attorneys. Plus, its terrible reputation of having a toxic environment was jeopardizing client relations.

The managing partner was determined to solve this problem, so Hampton’s behavior led the agenda items. However, after much discussion and review of the high-level clients Hampton had, the group decided not to broach the topic with him. Because of his enormous number of hours booked, the value of his clients, and the profits he brought in, they decided to maintain the status quo.

Feathers continued to be ruffled in the law office. Clients started to leave as the customer service rapidly deteriorated because there were not enough employees to cover the work that needed to be done. Within a year, profits were off and the leaders knew they were in trouble. A multinational organization purchased the firm, Hampton was fired, and the remaining employees were thrilled with the merger.

Moral of the story: Never allow anyone’s inappropriate behavior to go unchecked. Whether you are the leader or an ordinary employee, you have a choice on what you can do! Use a scorecard or other assessment tool (DiSC, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Tracom Group’s Social Style Model, etc.). These tools help you understand your personality and what is behind what you do, and give you a clue to your habitual patterns of behavior. Assessments help you find different ways to adapt and to solve problems. In addition, they provide a road map to help you (and others) with personal development. This is one of the reasons I became qualified to administer the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. When a client has ruffled feathers, or if the client just wants better performance, we review each individual, then look at the team as a whole. It is good to know that 80 percent of the Fortune 100 companies use these tools to keep their groups on the cutting edge.

Don’t whine or complain about another person—do something to manage the situation. If you are a leader, train yourself and your people in conflict resolution and anger management. It is disgusting to speak to a group whose leader claims to be too busy to attend.

What kind of sign does that send? What it does is ruffle the feathers of those attending. Managers often consider themselves to be part of an elite group and think they are beyond learning because, obviously, someone noticed their talents and they were promoted. The outcome they receive is often a surprise to them and quite disconcerting.

Some leaders’ efficiency in ruffling employees’ feathers creates wrongful termination lawsuits, sexual harassment complaints, and other legal issues. The following four suggestions comprise a very short list of options for leaders:

1. Be an excellent listener. Listen between the lines. Practice in your professional and personal life. Be a great role model, constantly teaching others to listen more effectively.
   
2. Pay attention to the words you choose, and be flexible to the other person’s style. It isn’t all about you; it is all about them.
   
3. Take time for everyone. It is your job to pay attention to their concerns. The struggle you have is to be an excellent time manager. Learn to set ground rules that include particular times of day that work for your open-door policy.
   
4. Help people focus on the problem
   and
   the solution. Make it easy for them to complain and to bring you solutions.
   

Never
shoot down their ideas, no matter how bizarre. They usually see more than you do.

Conflicts, when effectively dealt with, are great opportunities for growth—both yours and theirs. You may know the skills for doing so, but can you apply them consistently?

Take the emotion out of whatever the situation is. The worst thing you can do when dealing with a conflict is become defensive or angry. If you start feeling upset, excuse yourself for a moment, count to 10, and return when you’re feeling objective again. Or reset the meeting by saying, “I need to give this some thought. Can we resume our discussion tomorrow morning?”

Find the common ground. We have a tendency to focus on things we disagree on, which is counterproductive. If you think about it, there’s always a lot more we agree on than we disagree about. When you acknowledge commonality, you instantly defuse the situation. Here’s the rub: Some people are so used to getting poor results that the model in their head pushes their behavior to negativity and being ruffled.

Give objective criticism. People will be more inclined to come to you with problems if they feel that they are appreciated and taken seriously. That said, praise them when they come and talk to you about hard issues. Appreciate the person, challenge the issues, and bring about change.

Are you still dreading conflict? Like most people, you find it easier and more comfortable to stay upset than to resolve the situation. The reason is that it takes hard work to resolve difficult situations. If you have the internal resolve to make your life better, go for it and unruffle those feathers.

You either love people or try to control them. There is little room for anything else, and it is easier for you to control them than to love them!

Women Take Care; Men Take Charge

Traditionally, men were socialized to be independent. Playing competitive sports, learning to be in control was the message they heard in their formative years. Women were raised to build relationships and develop connections. You know the hunter-gatherer theories: men hunt, seeking out something specific, and women gather, bringing people or things together.

As a man or a woman, there are approaches you should use that work and skills that make for better rapport. Learning the gender differences helps you unravel one more piece of the Toxic Person puzzle. Men and women in today’s business environment do not like to admit that there are approaches that work better with one gender than the other. Whether you’re working from the glass ceiling or the cement floor, here are some considerations.

What women need to do in the business world when working with men:

• Do not minimize your accomplishments at work.
  
• Keep discussions focused on job-related issues or news events.
  
• Lower the pitch of your voice.
  
• Get to the point and include who, what, when, where, and how.
  
• Do not use tag endings, such as “isn’t it?” or “right?”
  
• Drop your tone down to make a declarative statement.
  
• Monitor your head-nodding and smiles.
  
• Do not apologize unless you are wrong.
  

Melissa was an up-and-comer. She had been hired because of her excellent people skills and education. Though she was young, she had already developed a real command with managing teams. Her vice president, Laurie, wanting her to succeed, suggested they mentor together. Melissa was thrilled.

Laurie had already had feedback concerning Melissa’s high-pitched voice, which made her sound like a little girl. The other team members were challenging her credibility, and her valuable input was not being taken seriously. Bob, the team lead, avoided interactions with Melissa altogether. He wore hearing aids and it was impossible for him to hear her because her high-pitched voice was out of his range.

In approaching her, Laurie suggested working with a voice coach.

In just three sessions, there was a noticeable difference in Melissa’s voice. Their next challenge was to help her stop ending sentences as though they were questions when they should be spoken as statements.

Her coach told her, “Many women fall into the imposter syndrome.

You look in the mirror and say to yourself, ‘Someday they will figure out that I’m not a good as they think I am.’ This is a result of low self-confidence, and it displays itself in your speech pattern.”

Melissa had had no idea of this and was eager to continue her voice improvement work. During her lessons, she was also told that women use approximately five times more words than men. She worked in a male-dominated environment and knew she needed to be more concise and use less verbiage. It was hard to constantly focus on both her delivery and number of words. However, her peers soon began to accept her for the contributor that she was hired to be!

Moral: Record your voice. Listen to the inflection, authenticity, excitement, and commitment you have to the topic while checking the impact of your message. Whether you are male or female, if you don’t like your voice and tone, change them. Focus and discipline are all it takes.

What men need to do in the business world when working with women:

• Use more terms of politeness like “Please” and “Thank you.”
  
• Do not be afraid to ask for help—forget about your ego.
  
• Provide more facial and verbal feedback.
  
• Make more polite requests instead of barking out commands.
  
• Control your temper and handle yourself in a professional manner.
  
• Do not address women with condescending terms like honey, sweetheart, babe, or dear.
  
• Do not interrupt or monopolize conversations.
  

No one wanted to work with Eric. He was loud and rude and seemed to live on the edge of being toxic. He liked working with Joanie because she was smart and quick. In approaching her about the new project to which they had been assigned, he bellowed, “Hey, sweetie, do you have time for a quick drink after work? I know your partner won’t care. He must realize what a package you are! That will give us some downtime to really get to know one another so we can speed up this project.” He gave her a wink and a hug, barely waited for a response, and said in parting, “Great—see ya in the lobby at 5:15.”

Joanie’s friend overheard Eric and bounded over to her desk. “How rude was that? You’re not going to meet that dork, are you? What a loudmouth! If I were you, I would prance right into our manager’s office and scream sexual harassment. Don’t let him get away with that kind of behavior!” Uncertain, Joanie just shook her head and went back to answering her e-mail.

Moral: The perception of a situation lies in the hands of the person being approached, not you. Ruffling feathers can happen without you even knowing!

Toxic E-Mail

Has anyone ever sent you an e-mail that upset you? It happens every day in the workplace. The sheer volume of e-mail is staggering: Every day 8 billion e-mails are exchanged on the Internet, and it is estimated that by 2010 this figure will have increased to over 42 billion. Consumers are expected to receive an average of 1,400 pieces of junk e-mail every day!

In your haste to read through and answer many of the received e-mails, scrutiny must be taken to ensure your reply is without words that the recipient will perceive as “flaming.” Perceptions differ, and your meaning may lose its true intent as a person with a potentially different frame of mind reads it.

Qualcomm, Inc. released a version of its popular Eudora e-mail program that introduced an optional feature called MoodWatch, which scans both incoming and outgoing e-mail for “potentially offensive language” and rates it:

One chili pepper:
“Better hope you know the person.”

Two chili peppers:
“Watch out, you’re playin’ with fire chilies here.”

Three chili peppers:
“Whoa, this is the kind of thing that might get your keyboard washed out with soap.”

MoodWatch is based on theories developed by David Kaufer, head of the English department at Carnegie Mellon University. Kaufer conducted a study of flaming, which he defines as “computer-mediated communication designed to intimidate the interlocutor by withholding the expected courtesies of polite communication.” Flaming is aggressive, angry, or rude language shot across cyberspace at the recipient. This has “toxic” written all over it! And you don’t even have to see the whites of their eyes. You are out of range, so they can’t strangle you. (Google MoodWatch for more information.)

You may think of flaming as just using all capital letters. Not anymore! You create toxic situations by the words you choose and use.

It is interesting that Kaufer’s study is based on an analysis of over one thousand e-mails, producing dictionaries of flaming words and phrases that MoodWatch uses in rating individual messages. Of course, the usual profanity and offensive language will be left out for the faint of heart. Some other phrases, however, trigger a “chili alert” simply by their intimidating tone (examples include “I am not about to . . .” and “I’m sick and tired of your . . .”). I’ll bet you rarely use those under-the-breath statements in person, but have put them in an e-mail! Cyberspace makes your unsuspecting recipient an easy target. The dialogue can go back and forth, raising the conflict, reducing trust, and throwing toxins on the situation.