Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (17 page)

Then Tom got out a pad and pencil and said, “So tell me, Barbara, what should the consequences be if you do not achieve these targets?” Without even taking a breath, Barbara said, “I should be fired.” Tom reared back and said, “Whoa—I was thinking that before that happened perhaps there could be some cross-training, outside coaching, or attending a workshop. Let’s design this together.”

And they did. In his leadership role, Tom had learned that people were much harder on themselves than he was. Also, there was no question as to what could happen if the outcomes were not met. Reviewing the job responsibilities, rewards, and consequences with all of his employees every six months was at the top of his leadership list.

If you are the employee, it is your responsibility to check the expected outcomes of your job with your boss. In today’s crazy work environment, many managers and supervisors do not take the time to tell you what
they
want you to do as well as their perception of expected outcomes. If they don’t have time to meet with you, write out what you think your job responsibilities are and give them the list for their verification. This way you have documented what the parameters of the job entail. This is your personal responsibility to understand, so stop saying, “Well, they didn’t tell me.” In addition, if you are surprised by negative comments in your annual appraisal, you need to validate what your leader expects of you. Schedule this in your calendar for a quarterly review and remember you are the one who takes the lead by requesting the meeting. Of all the research I do as a professional speaker, the number one concern with both leaders and employees is the lack of communication. If you are not in the loop, take action to find out what you need to do in your job. If you choose not to, don’t be surprised if you become the Toxic Person and feel mentally looted.

Asserting Yourself

Learning to assert yourself in a positive way, without hostility, is the approach to take to ensure a better result. Controlling your anger does not mean ignoring the situation. If you choose to retreat, you give the other person control over you and the outcome.

Jeb was reporting to the group on the project Marina and he had completed. This was a critical turning point for the success of Marina’s largest client. But what was happening? Jeb was presenting the findings without acknowledging her contribution. Jeb had done this before, and Marina had approached him with her concerns. She thought this had been resolved, but obviously it had not. The client was pleased and thanked Jeb for the outstanding contribution made to the very sensitive project.

When Jeb’s presentation was finished, Marina stood up and firmly stated, “I want to thank Jeb for delivering our results. Spending equal time in developing this plan was a real pleasure, and I’m pleased with our solutions. Please let Jeb or me know what questions you might have,” and she calmly sat down.

Marina stated her thoughts without being hostile. What would you do in this situation? Feel mentally looted, sulk, or seethe at the next meeting? If you choose to become defensive and hostile, you look like a poor sport. To stand up for your rights takes confidence on your part and the knowledge that you do have the capabilities to drive the outcomes you want.

Some situations
do not
deserve your energy and concern.

When you determine the best solution is to walk away, do it, and feel good about your decision.

Don’t let anyone break into your mental state and loot the richness of your productivity and power. Some people who do this have been mentally looted themselves and therefore view the looting behavior as acceptable.

Don’t let them come back to you and say, “Oh, I was only kidding. Don’t take it so seriously.” Reviewing Chapters 3 to 8

and the possible responses will serve you well. Mental looting is serious, and you have to prevent these felonious attacks on your thinking.

Y
ou are contaminated every day with toxic infections derived from people, jobs, or your environment. This realization occurred early in my work life.

Upon graduating from college, I took a job as a kindergarten teacher. This was before kids had the opportunity to go to preschool, which meant that most of the kindergartners had not developed social skills or become used to sharing. The noise level every day was earsplitting and my time in the classroom became a challenge, but the worst part for me was the parents.

Seven-year-old Joe was selfish and rude. In approaching his parents to see how we could work together to help the child, I was shocked when they went on counterattack and screamed, “You’re ruining our child!” I wanted to reply, “Well, you’ve done a pretty good job yourself!,” but didn’t say so. They spewed their toxic venom and infected me with total distaste for my chosen profession. That was just the first incident of many.

I hated every day, crying on the drive to the school and on the way home. Some evenings, I would sit in my car and sob because I didn’t want to go back the next day. For those of you who are teachers, God bless you. It just wasn’t my forte, desire, or passion. I had a terrible toxic infection, and it had happened because of my choices.

After six months, I decided to start looking for something else.

Scanning the want ads, I saw an ad for a “candy girl” who would provide free samples of goodies at retail locations. I was a girl and I liked candy, so the interview was a no-brainer. I got the job and loved it. I was healed! We allow ourselves to become sick, and it is our job to change the environment.

Awareness is key. I began to notice that my original profession had not been the only toxic infection I was experiencing. A symptom I should have noticed was the toxic soup being dished up by one of my acquaintances. For example, this was the comment I had received after explaining my job predicament: “You want sympathy for your choice to be a teacher? Look up
sympathy
in the dictionary, and you’ll find it right along with
shit
and
suicide
.”

I’ve never forgotten that conversation, as it left a real scar in my mind; but it was the bad-tasting medicine I needed to move me forward.

Taking a cut in pay was worth it to free myself from the emotional angst of teaching, not to mention eliminating the excruciating migraine headaches. Little did I know that this choice to change was the beginning of a successful career in sales and marketing, so I am grateful for all the cuts and bruises I’ve endured. I was
healed
from the toxic infections.

Moral of the story: If you are in a job you don’t like or if it isn’t what you want to be when you grow up, change it. However, here is the rub: You
must
do the best job you can in the moment, right now and today. Don’t become a slacker, because then you will be spewing the toxic soup on your work group and on your employer.

They may call 911 (human resources) and give you DNR (Do Not Resuscitate accompanied with a termination notice), and you will be out the door! You are the doctor who will take charge of your career and professional success.

Triage: Are You Infected?

The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that accompany unmanaged anger and toxicity can eventually cause harm to many different systems in your body. Some of the short-term and long-term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger and the absorption of Toxic People’s venom include:

• Headaches and migraines.
  
• Digestion problems.
  
• Abdominal pain.
  
• Insomnia.
  
• Increased anxiety.
  
• Depression.
  
• High blood pressure.
  
• Skin problems, such as eczema.
  
• Heart attack.
  
• Stroke.
  

“We’ve known for at least 20 years that people who have chronic anger are more likely to have severe blockages in their heart arteries, to develop heart disease over time, to have increased risk of cancer death, and to have more rapid progression of arterial sclerosis, even increased risk of workplace injuries,” says Redford Williams, MD, director of the Behavioral Medicine Research Center at Duke University Medical Center and a leading expert on anger management.

Norma is living proof of what toxic infections can do to you. In 1990, she was hired by a company that was willing to pay her big bucks to reorganize a poorly producing segment of the organization. She did not know that the situation was about as toxic as they come. After a few short months, her health was a mess and she had developed open sores in her mouth. Her physician thought it was thrush. “What? Isn’t that what babies get?” she exclaimed. The doctor wrote her a prescription for a miracle drug, which gave her no relief.

Doctor number two, an eye, ear, nose, and throat specialist, diagnosed acid reflux and assured her that was causing the sores in her mouth. Norma had waited two hours in his office, and the stress of waiting worsened her toxic infection. This physician prescribed a different miracle drug, which provided no relief. The open lesions were becoming more painful.

Doctor number three (now six months into this), another eye, ear, nose, and throat guru, said a blood test was in order. The expert told Norma, “It looks like an immune deficiency—something like AIDS.”

In her mind, she had herself eulogized and buried.

Doctor number four, a dermatologist who came highly recommended, looked in her mouth and said, “It’s easy to see that you have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. This malady is the most common type of autoimmune thyroid disease. It is found mainly in women, although I have seen several men with the same condition. It occurs when the body’s immune system becomes misdirected and attacks the organs, cells, or tissues that it was designed to protect. It is caused by not managing your stress.”

Toxic behavior, both yours and others’, creates stress and consequently ill health by spewing the hormone cortisol into your system. Norma’s doctor went on to explain that if she didn’t take charge of her stress, her condition would get worse. Lowering the cortisol level is accomplished by adding balance to your life, eating properly, and exercising regularly. It’s just that simple.

Healing Toxic Infections

Times are tough. Trusting others is down, while blaming is up. Optimistic outlooks are down, and fear is up. Managing stress and healing toxic infections requires a blend of energy, humor, spirit, and self-confidence. Where will you focus? What can you do to move to a less toxic environment? Like Norma, you are the one who must take care of your health. Stress and unmanaged toxic infections will kill you.

ENERGY: A CURE FOR TOXIC INFECTIONS

How do you create energy? When you feel especially alive, what has occurred? When you feel stressed, what has occurred? My energy comes from feeling that I can handle any situation or person and that I am in control. Some parts of life you control: food, lifestyle, knowledge, time, relationships, appearance, thoughts—just to name a few.

Typically, you do not control others’ perceptions, the weather, other people’s problems, travel delays, poor service, or traffic.

When you spend precious energy trying to control elements that are beyond your control, you feel down, out of control, and toxic.

The new team Francis was assigned to never seemed to do anything right. His attitude was in the pits, and he was procrastinating about setting a meeting with this dysfunctional group because he was convinced it would be another waste of his time. His energy to move forward was totally gone.

He caught himself in this negative spiral. Keeping a journal and tracking what was making him nuts and what gave him energy helped him analyze the situation facing him. Francis learned that he must take the time to evaluate each of his teammates and understand what behavioral types they were, the payoffs for them, and the approaches he could use. (Refer to Chapters 3 to 8 for the types of Toxic People.) This gave him the stamina to schedule the meeting. In reviewing his notes before the meeting, he was confident that his relationship management skills were well developed, and he was ready to proceed and bring the much-needed energy and focus to the team’s success.

Here’s the lesson. Francis could have become the victim of circumstance in this new assignment. As he did,
you
need to evaluate
your
situation by keeping a journal of what you learned and what you could change for next time. Check out your energy gains and drains, and control what you can.

Fact: People have been put on this earth to push your buttons and burst your bubble. Have you developed interpersonal skills to deal with these turkeys? Have you trained yourself to set up a reflector panel so your energy is not totally zapped? If they turn up the heat in the oven, your goose will be cooked if you don’t take control.

Cure: Listen to people who motivate you. Yes, I know you’ve heard it all before, but do you really apply this technique with toxic infections? You are the only one who understands when you are sick of your environment and of the people who transmit the bug.

Constantly listen and watch messages from different resources.

Life is hard, and going it alone is difficult and can make you feel abandoned. Visit www.MarshaPetrieSue.com for suggestions.

SPIRIT: VIVACITY, VERVE, AND ENTHUSIASM

Spirit drives toxic infections away. Do you have real enthusiasm in your interactions with others? Spirit is built by caring and learning from your environment and not being engrossed only with you and your surroundings. This latter behavior is just selfish, because it’s all about you. Surround yourself with positive quotes, goals written as affirmations, doable action plans, and positive people, and your spirit will soar. Enthusiasm for life is the key. Spirit is something you control.

Tips for building your spirit:

• Stay hopeful.
  
• Take risks.
  
• Volunteer for two hours a week.
  
• Celebrate with your family.
  
• Enjoy the outdoors.
  
• Share a positive thought.
  
• List reasons for gratitude.
  

Develop something you can say to yourself that is inspiring—perhaps something you write yourself, a poem that is important to you, or a list of quotes that move you forward. I believe it is a good idea to change yearly to give a fresh view to your spirit. I had originally read the thoughts in my daily affirmation in Larry Winget’s
Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life
.