Tough Love (16 page)

“College. I am still leaving, that hasn’t changed. But if we are still together at Christmas time, then I’m not going to return to AU. I’ll move back home and transfer to University of Toledo or something. I want to be closer to you.”

The sparkle that had been glowing in his eyes had now taken over his whole face. There was no mistaking his joy.

“You’d do that for me?” he asked, taking my head in his hands.

“Yes, I would, and I’m going to. And there’s not a damn thing my parents can do about it.”

The next morning we rolled out at 8:00 AM on the dot, miraculous considering Mom’s aversion to all things timely. I settled into the back seat of our 1989 white Pontiac Bonneville and prepared for the three-hour drive.

As with most other long journeys, my parents and I were talkative at first. The anticipation of this new experience had all of us excited, and we shared good conversation for the first half of the drive. By the time we hit the Indiana state line near Antwerp, Ohio, things had gotten quiet. Though I had been enjoying this time alone with my folks, I was also glad for the lull in conversation.

I took a nap, dreaming about my promise to Brendan, bouncing between firmly believing in my own words and feeling like I’d made a horrible mistake.

Because no matter how much I told him I loved him—and I did—there was a large part of me that knew without a doubt that our relationship was toxic. And that part of me could not wait to get away from Brendan, from the temptation that he represented.

I woke up when Daddy exited I-69 in Chesterfield; only thirty more minutes, and I would be stepping foot onto campus as a freshman at Anderson University. Only thirty more minutes, and I could leave Brendan behind.

The lawn around Morrison Hall, the dorm dedicated to freshman girls, was bustling. There were people everywhere; those who weren’t carrying others’ belongings into the building were busy greeting families or hugging old friends.

Dad found a spot in the unloading zone, and we all stepped out of the car. I took a moment to steady my half-asleep legs while surveying my new surroundings.

The all-brick building stood before me, four stories tall with a small porch in the center of the bottom level. The large lawn was dotted with several trees, great for leaning up against and studying, no doubt. Personally, I couldn’t wait to lay outside with a good book on a crisp October day. Already, college was everything I’d always dreamt it would be.

Daddy started unloading my things while Mom and I headed inside to check in and get my room assignment. The large front room was set up with a number of couches and chairs; a TV set was sitting in the far right corner. A rather small table with one person behind it was set up in the middle of the entryway. I stepped forward.

“Hi, I’m Krista. Welcome to AU! What’s your name?”

“Janessa Daily,” I answered as Krista searched her documents for evidence that I was in the right place.

“Yep, here you are. You’ll be in Room 201--just follow this hall until you reach the steps.” She gestured to her right. “Your resident advisor is Annie.”

I smiled at Krista before walking away and leading Mom down the hall. We passed a couple rooms in which other girls were unpacking before coming to the flight of stairs.

When we emerged on the second floor, it was busier than the first. There were suitcases of all shapes and sizes lining the hall, while people carried boxes in and out of rooms. Directly in front of us was room 203, so we looked to the left and found room 201.

“Well, that was easy,” I told Mom with a smile.

“Why don’t you go ahead, and I will go downstairs to help your dad.”

Mom turned and headed back down the steps and I walked to my room. The door was ajar but the room was empty; my roommate hadn’t shown up yet. I set down the couple of items that I’d brought up with me and then headed back downstairs to help my parents.

Two days later, after getting my room just right, attending a freshman luncheon with my parents and sharing a tearful goodbye, I watched them drive away. Saying farewell to my folks, especially my mom, was not easy, but I was ready for this change.

I was ready to have time for myself, time to focus on becoming the woman who God created me to be.

BRENDAN LOOKED TOWARD the nightstand where the pen and notebook were stored.

“You have something to tell me?” I asked.

He nodded, so I got up to retrieve both items. Just like the night before, I adjusted his bed to make it easier for him and waited patiently while he wrote down his message. When he turned the notebook around so I could see what he had written, my breath caught in my throat.

I am proud of you, too. You became the person you've always wanted to be. I love to tell people my baby is a teacher.

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath while the past five years started to fade away. Even without him speaking the word, I could hear his voice call me 'baby' again. Just like the snap of a Zippo lighter or the scent of Grandma Nancy's tea with lemon, that word always brought me back to memories of our time together.

And then he looked at me. His familiar brown eyes tried to suck me in, but I held on to the new person I was, not the little girl I used to be.

“Brendan, I'm not your baby anymore.”

I know. It's just...will you get my wallet?

I looked around for it and finally spotted the brown leather square by the television. When I brought it back with me, I noticed Brendan had already added another sentence:

Look at the pictures.

I expected to see a photo of his nieces, Hannah and Natalie, or maybe one of Brendan and his partner, but that wasn't what I found. Every spot in the eight-page billfold photo keeper had a picture of me: one of Aimee and me from our sophomore year of high school, a photo of Brendan and me from my eighteenth birthday, three different poses from my senior pictures, and three others I didn't remember, but they were all me.

“Brendan,” I said, my voice very small. “I...oh, my...I honestly don't know what to say.”

I looked up and realized while I was going through the wallet, he'd written

I never wanted to let go...

And then he added,

...
but now I have to.

Fresh tears came then. I couldn't help it; my emotions were taking control in my exhaustive state.

I have never stopped loving you.

“I know that,” I told him, wiping my tears away. “And the truth is that I will always love you, too. But you have to admit our relationship was toxic.” I reached for his hand again. “As much as I wanted to save you, all we managed to do when we were together was bring each other down.”

Brendan dropped his eyes from mine and nodded. He knew I was right, but hearing the truth did not make it any easier to deal with.

“You know what, we both need some rest.”

Brendan began to shake his head in protest, but I stopped him.

“Yes we do, even if you don't want to admit it.” I looked up at the clock. “It's almost seven; I've been here all day.” I stroked his hand with my thumb. “I'll be back tomorrow, I promise.”

Once again, he raised his eyebrows with a silent question plaguing his eyes.

“Will I stay until you fall asleep?” I clarified. “Of course.” I stood up from my chair and kissed his forehead.

“Get some rest,” I whispered. I think he was sleeping by the time I sat back down.

I came to a realization as I sat there. Several times over the past five years, I had discussed our relationship with my mom. Most of what we talked about revolved around the many times Brendan had cheated on me and whether he loved me. After a few years, I finally agreed he probably did love me the best he knew how, but I never believed it until that night in his hospital room.

Seeing my own face in his wallet over and over, watching his reaction as I walked in the room each morning…these things helped me understand Brendan’s point of view. He loved me, but the only examples he’d ever had were flawed. By the time his dad married Aimee’s grandma and they became a blended family, Brendan was old enough that his impressions on love were already set. The damage had been done, and I was not strong enough to break those ties. But that was okay because I had tried my best. I knew that.

And now Brendan did, too.

SIMPLY PUT, COLLEGE was amazing. I loved making new friends and being independent. My classes were challenging and invigorating, but the small campus was still home-like and manageable. I settled into a routine nicely, knowing my way around the 125-acre campus and feeling like an old pro with my meal card before August was over.

Finally it was time for an extended Fall Break weekend in early October. With no classes on Friday and again the following Monday, I was set to go home for a four-day weekend. I’d told Brendan that I would be home on Friday morning, but the reality was that Mom and I were planning to surprise him on Thursday night.

To avoid Mom being in the car for six hours in one day, I hitched a ride with my friend Colleen to her house in Ft. Wayne, and then Mom picked me up there. I was really glad to see her; after all, Brendan was not the only person I missed.

In the two hours it took to get from Ft. Wayne back to Toledo, Mom and I talked about how we would make the surprise happen. She planned to let me off at the corner in front of Brendan’s house before going around to the back door. Her alibi of inviting him over for some supper would be enough to get him from the yard to the sidewalk where I would walk up behind him.

Thanks to daylight savings time in the Eastern Time zone, it was dark by the time we got there. I stood on the corner shaking with anticipation, anxious to see my love. I heard the noise of the door shutting and heard Brendan’s voice tell Grandma and Grandpa that he was going to dinner at my parents’ house. Mom came through the gate first and I took a few steps forward so that I would be that much closer when it was time. And then I saw him.

He was wearing a worn pair of jeans and a green and white checked flannel shirt. His auburn hair was just like I’d remembered. I could tell that he hadn’t shaven in a few days, but then again, I always did like him a little scruffy.