Tough Love (6 page)

I ran upstairs to my bedroom, flung myself on the bed and began to cry. Why did I have to be so stupid? I knew where this was going to lead. Aimee had been warning me about it for years. I needed to speak with Brendan and let him know I was no longer going to allow this to happen. I would no longer let myself be treated as the girl on the side.

I went to the bathroom and wiped the angry tears from my face. After splashing myself with cold water, I returned to the phone and tried again. There was still no answer at Brendan's place so I called around to some friends and left messages for him to call me. Then I waited.

I picked up the phone on the first ring.

“Hey, beautiful.” There was nothing off in his tone, nothing that told me he knew why I had been calling him. It just made me angrier.

“Where the hell have you been? You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. Just get over here!” I slammed down the phone, my hand shaking.

He arrived ten minutes later and joined me on the front porch swing. It was all I could do to not look at him. I knew he would defeat me with just one glance, and I could not afford that.

“I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you–”

I whipped around to face him but did not look him in the eyes. I could feel the heat in my cheeks as the fury grew.

“Don’t! Don’t you dare say that to me! You disgust me! Of course you meant to hurt me. You knew exactly what you were doing.”

I raised a shaking hand to wipe away the tears and was instantly mad at myself for showing this weakness. I got up, stormed off the porch and across the yard. Brendan followed me and grabbed my arm around the wrist.

“Baby–”

“No!” I cried as I turned around. “You have no right to call me that anymore. I should have listened to Aimee when she warned me about you.” I yanked my arm out of his grip. “I want you to leave.”

“C’mon Janessa, don’t end things this way.”

“Leave!” I screamed. “Right now!”

He could see the resolve in my face and knew I was serious. He let out a big sigh and turned to walk away but then stopped.

“Are you still going to Michigan? To the lake to see your aunt?”

I nodded. “Aimee and I leave tomorrow morning. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“Will you call me when you get back?

“Just stay away from me.”

He hung his head and walked away. I collapsed to the ground, my sobs echoing in the yard.

I was thankful that Aimee and I were leaving the next day. I seriously needed a few days to think; my mind was spinning and I wasn’t sure what the truth was anymore.

We headed to the cottage at ten the next morning. Since Mom was our driver, we didn’t talk about Brendan or Aimee’s boy troubles until we got there. Instead, we jammed to our favorite radio stations and munched on some of Mom’s homemade snack mix.

Getting out of the city and into the fresh air did wonders for my spirit. Things were so jumbled up when I was at home. Everywhere I looked, I thought of Brendan. We hadn’t been together very long, but everything with him was so intense; I was already in way over my head.

We pulled up beside Aunt Thelma’s car, grabbed our bags and walked toward the little green one-story house. It was a long rectangle shape, with just two bedrooms and one bath. I’d been coming here since I was about five, and I loved the place.

Aimee and I had promised we would eat and say goodbye to my mom before heading for the water, so I was glad lunch was already on the table. We ate quickly, and I think both women could tell we were itching to go outside.

Mom finally said, “Go on. I’ll see you Friday.”

We were gone from the table, changed into our swimsuits and at the shore in about 90 seconds flat.

The next five days were magnificent. In the absence of TV, phones and our boyfriends, Aimee and I were more relaxed and happier than we’d been in months. We spent every moment we could sunbathing or in the water. Every evening, we were in front of the campfire singing our favorite songs and eating s’mores. We loved sleeping on the screened-in porch, which had two twin beds. It was my idea of heaven.

There were even a couple days when I didn’t think of Brendan at all.

“Do you think he loves me?” I asked Aimee one night while we were lying in our beds, the crickets lulling us to sleep.

“I don’t know, Ness. I mean, he probably does, but I’m not sure he knows
how
to love, ya know. Besides, love isn’t really enough. You’ve got to have trust, communication, honesty, commitment.”

“We have some of those.”

“I know you do, but it’s what you don’t have that worries me,” she said with a yawn.

I thought about her words while I tried to fall asleep. I knew Aimee was right, but I didn’t want to face it. Sure, we had love–-in some sense of the word at least-–but we didn’t have much else. I couldn’t trust him. He wasn’t honest, and he definitely was not committed to me. So why did we both try so hard to save something we didn’t even really have?

I decided to call Brendan once we returned to Toledo. I needed some answers, and I hoped we could figure it out together.

Friday came way too soon. For our last dinner at the cottage, we had my favorite meal, hobo pies, a campfire sandwich filled with ingredients of choice. We all watched the sun set over the water together before Mom and Aunt Thelma went inside.

“Was this the best week or what?” I asked Aimee once we were all alone.

“It was. But back to the real world tomorrow,” she said.

“I know, but I don’t want to go. Things make so much more sense up here when I’m not with him.”

We both sat there, staring at the fire in the darkness, the waves lapping against the shoreline.

“I’m scared, Aimee.”

“Why?” she asked.

“’Cause I know what I need to do, but I’m not sure I’m tough enough.”

“You are, Ness. You just don’t know it yet.”

The next morning, we had breakfast before hitting the road. The house came into view much quicker than I expected, and I found myself worrying about what to say when I called Brendan later.

We unloaded our bags, and I helped Aimee carry her duffle and backpack across the street to her house.

“Janessa, look at me,” Aimee said once our arms were empty. “You’re going to be okay. Just don’t let him talk you into anything.”

“I’ll try, I promise.”

I gave her a see-you-later hug and walked back to my house. Once there, I took my time unpacking everything and taking my dirty laundry to the basement. I dawdled as long as I could, putting off what I knew I had to do.

I picked up the phone and dialed the number. I took several deep breaths while it rang on the other end. My thoughts were very strong, almost as though I were talking aloud.

I don’t have the self-control to do this.

Yes you do! Be firm. Don’t let him take advantage of you.

“Hello?”

Oh my God, what am I going to say? What am I going to do?

“Hey, it’s me,” I began.

It’s okay, Janessa, just take this one word at a time.

“Hey, baby.”

I winced.
Ignore him
, my head screamed.

“Listen, we need to talk,” I said.

“Sure, I can come over now if that’s okay.”

“No, you aren’t welcome here so we’ll need to go somewhere else. Can you meet up at Food Town?”

You’re doing great, kiddo. Keep it up!

“Of course. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“That’s fine,” I said, my words clipped.

“I love you, baby.”

I hung up without saying anything else.

Taking my normal, five-minute path to Food Town was very empowering. With every step I took, I felt my strength growing. I knew I would be able to face him and make things go my way. It was time for Brendan to listen to me for a change.

“My God, it is so good to see you,” he began. “I was going crazy waiting for your phone call.” He brought his face close to mine for a kiss, but I turned so that he barely grazed my right cheek.

“Do you love me?”

“What?” He seemed dumbfounded. “How can you even ask me that? Of course I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you.”

“How can I ask that? Because, Brendan. My God, how can you live with yourself?” I realized my voice was louder than I wanted it to be when I saw a patron of the store glance at us. “You know what, I can’t do this here. Will you walk with me?”

“Of course, baby. I’ll go anywhere you want me to.”

I turned on my heels and shook my head, amazed at the way he was able to break me down, even when I was so angry.

We walked to the playground--our playground--in silence. I felt him reach for my hand once, but I crossed my arms in defiance. I knew that one touch would be enough for me to crumble. So much for strength.

“Now that we have some privacy, I have to know--how does someone who loves me do what you have done? How could you keep this secret from me?”

He hung his head. “Because if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t be with me, and I can’t exist in a world where I don’t have you. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep you.”

“So tell me now. What
is
the truth, Brendan? I want to hear it from you.”

He sighed, looking off into the distance. “I’m...Justin and Greg are more than just roommates. We’re, um, in a relationship.”

I drew in a shuddering breath. “That means your—what? Bisexual?”

“I don’t know. I guess. I like both men and women. I’ve had other girlfriends, you know that.” He touched the knuckles of his hand, where another girl’s name was tattooed onto the skin. “All I know is I want you.”

“So you think that by keeping a secret and not telling me who you really are-–that’s going to make me stay? C’mon, do I really look that stupid?” I swallowed over the huge lump in my throat.

The truth was, I really
was
that stupid. Because when Brendan asked if we could talk again the next day, I said yes.

And on that day, when he asked for a hug, I said yes.

And then the wall that I built up began crumbling. And before long, it had vanished.

ST. CHARLES HOSPITAL was a place I knew well. I'd passed it thousands of times when I was a child and been there for several visits with those I loved. Never before, or since, did an experience come close to this.

The sun sets in Ohio before 4:30 PM the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. It might have been only 5 o'clock when we got there, but it was so dark and I was so tired, time meant nothing that evening.

I grabbed Mom's hand as we rounded the corner to the ICU waiting room. Everyone was there: Grandma and Grandpa, Hannah, Nicole, Aimee and Brendan's new partner, Curtis. I could feel all six of them looking at me. I went straight to Grandma, the tears already streaming. I reached my free hand out to hold hers.

“How is he?”

“Weak,” she sighed. “He's very sick, Janessa.”

I nodded in response. “I know, and I'm ready to say goodbye.”

Grandma squeezed my hand and gave me a wink. “He's waiting for you. I'll take you back.”

Mom hugged me and went over to sit with Aimee while Grandma and I left the room.

The ICU was very quiet and dark; it would have been peaceful if I didn’t know people were fighting for their lives. Grandma met one of the nurses as she walked toward us and raised our interlocked hands.

“She's finally here,” Grandma said with a smile.

“You must be the teacher,” the nurse guessed. “The one from Indiana.” I found it interesting she was not
asking
if I were the teacher; rather, she knew it was me. Suddenly Grandma's words from just seconds ago had more meaning. He truly was waiting for me, and everyone knew it.

“Yes, I'm Janessa. It's nice to meet you.”

“You, too,” she smiled. “My name is Bethany. The other nurses and I are glad you're here.” Bethany's eyes moved from mine to Grandma's. “Maybe now he’ll get some rest.”

“He hasn't been sleeping?” I asked.

“Not as much as he should, but I think that will change once he’s able to see you. Why don't you go on in?”

I looked at Grandma who gave me a reassuring nod. “I'm going back to the waiting room. You take your time,” she said, squeezing my hand one last time.