Tough Love (12 page)

“Hi.”

“Hey,” he responded. “Nice jammies.”

“Huh?” I asked as he pointed at my clothes. “Oh! Crap!”

I had been so wrapped up in the fact that Brendan was standing in front of me that I forgot I was in my pajamas.

“Yeah, um…I’ll be right back.”

I ran up the front steps to my room and pulled on some regular clothes. Before heading back down to the porch, I peeked in the mirror and ran a brush through my freshly-washed hair.

“Why did you change?” he asked when I sat down on the porch swing. “I could’ve looked at you forever in that nightgown.”

I gulped. Dammit, why did he have to say things like that to me? What was it that allowed him to still have this power over me? He had been gone for two years, but one look in his eyes made it all vanish; I was 15 and falling in love with him all over again. I didn’t want to show him this weakness so I ignored his comment.

“Aren’t you going to sit down?” I asked, patting the seat next to me. He surprised me by sitting across from me instead, suddenly very serious.

“Listen, I know that things aren’t great between us, but I want to change that. And the best way I can do that is for me not to have a secret right now. There’s something you should know.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” I agreed with trepidation.

“Okay, so here goes. You know the test – it is positive.”

Even if Aimee had not filled me in I would have understood in an instant. He was telling me that he had officially been diagnosed with HIV.

“I know. Aimee told me a couple of weeks ago. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing well, actually. The doctor started me on some meds but I don’t really think they’re doing anything for me.”

I nodded, not in agreement but in understanding. “Do you have enough medication for your trip?”

“Trip?” he asked, confused.

“Yeah, aren’t you just here visiting your folks?”

He laughed. “No, I’m back for good. I’m living with ...” He continued to talk, but his voice faded into the distance as my thoughts took over.

Back for good? Oh my gosh, what am I going to do? I can’t fall in love with him again; he’ll just break my heart, and then what am I going to do?

“…You are going to love him, Janessa.”

I snapped back to reality at that moment.

“Wait. What?”

“Daren. You are going to love him. And the house is gorgeous; it even has a Florida room.”

Something in my face must have given away the fact that I had checked out of the conversation, because he said, “Hey, have you even heard a word I have said?”

“Sure I have,” I lied. “So you and Daren are friends then?”

Somehow I knew the answer to the question long before I asked it. Of course they were more than friends, but I needed to know the truth. And I needed to see if he would be truthful.

“No, he and I aren’t
just
friends, if that’s what you are asking. But you and I can be, right?”

Friends? That’s all he wanted to be-friends? I wanted to scream at him – to tell him that I could not be his friend any more than I could be his lover. To be his friend would be too hard; it would hurt too much. But I could not let him know that my attempt to move on after he’d left was in vain.

I was supposed to be the one who was going to be okay. It was me who was gearing up for college and a new life, not him. But I knew it would not be smart to let him know my real feelings, so rather than telling him the truth, I said being friends would be fine.

“As long as we stay friends, okay?”

We talked for a couple of hours that night, catching up on what had been happening in each other’s lives. I told him about dating Micah and my senior year in high school: having my senior pictures taken, taking the ACT twice, and filling out the application for college. I also told him about the school I’d chosen.

“Anderson is the only school I applied to,” I explained. “I’ve wanted to go to that college my whole life, and my brother Donny’s already there, of course. I like that it’s a Christian school. It’s strict, but I’m okay with that. It seems unreal that I’m leaving in a month.”

“How far away is it?”

“About three hours. You know, far enough that I can get some privacy but not so far that I can’t come home when I want to. But enough about me, tell me more about Daren.”

“He’s such a great guy, Janessa. He’s kind and supportive, and he’s very cute,” Brendan said with a wink.

I could tell that he was being sincere when it came to Daren, and a part of me was happy for him. Only one problem: an even bigger part of me still melted with that wink, even if it wasn’t meant for me.

“You should come over to meet him. He already knows all about you, and he’d love to put a face with a name.”

Once again I found myself showing very different emotions than what I was feeling. On the outside, I was smiling and nodding, telling Brendan how honored I would be to meet his new love. Internally, I was struggling with the concept of him being in Toledo and us not being together. I needed a few days to think all of this through, so I thought of a good way to stall.

“I’ll have to ask my parents, and you know that isn’t going to be easy. I’m positive that my dad is not happy you’re even here right now. So give me a few days, okay?”

“Sure, that’ll be fine; I need to get going anyway. Can I call you tomorrow?”

I told him it would be fine to call. He stood and held out his hand. Without thinking, I slipped my hand into his, allowing him to help me up. He pulled me into an unexpected embrace, and I felt his lips brush my hair. I stopped breathing.

“I had forgotten how good you smell,” he sighed. Then he kissed my forehead and was gone.

I sank back down onto the porch swing to take a few deep breaths. I put my head in my hands while I pondered our visit. He said he was happy with Daren, so why did he even come here? I knew Brendan well enough to realize that he usually had a hidden agenda. Could it be true he just wanted to suck me in again? I could not let that happen! But as much as I wanted that to be true, I just wasn’t sure. The question was, what was I going to do? I wanted to be honest with my parents, but I needed some time.

Still a little lightheaded, I walked back into the house. I knew my folks would see his effect on me if I asked them about going to Brendan and Daren’s right then; I decided to wait. So with a quick “g’nite” to my parents I went up to my room, got out my diary and started writing.

The next morning, Mom asked how my visit had gone the night before.

“You went to bed so quickly I didn’t get a chance to see how Brendan is doing.”

I sat across the table from her and took a deep breath. After the summer we’d had two years earlier, I did not want to keep secrets. I decided to tell her everything, almost.

“We had a good visit. He has a new boyfriend with a house in Ottawa Hills.”

“Really, Ottawa Hills? Wow, he’s really moving up in the world, huh? What else did he have to say?”

Another deep breath.

“He’s officially HIV positive now. Aimee told me a couple of weeks ago, but it was still a shock coming straight from him.”

Mom looked sad. She reached across the table and took my hand. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, it sucks. But he’s the one who made these choices.”

She let go of my hand and got up to take her coffee mug to the sink. I stayed at the table, trying to summon up the courage to tell her about meeting Daren. It wasn’t that I thought she would say no; in fact, I was more worried that she would say yes.

“Hey, Mom?” I said with apprehension.

“Hmm?”

“There was one more thing that we talked about.”

She finished rinsing her mug, set it down and turned off the water. I watched as her shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath of her own. Preparing for the worst, she turned slowly.

“Okay…?”

“Well, he’d like me to meet Daren. At their place,” I said cautiously.

I actually saw the relief take over her face. Although she and Dad preferred to have Brendan in Florida where he could not hurt me, she was glad to know he and Daren were a couple. Of course, having more than one person on his arm at a time did not faze Brendan, but I had taken that lesson and committed it to memory. No matter what, I would continue to honor the promise I had made to myself--monogamy or nothing at all.

“And how do you feel about that?” she asked. Leave it to my mom to always ask the hardest questions. Even with all night to think about it, I wasn’t sure how I felt. On one hand I was happy for him--truly happy; then again...

I sighed. “To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. I wouldn’t mind meeting him. Maybe it would do me good to see Brendan happy with someone else.”

Mom must have trusted my instincts because she agreed to let me go. Brendan called a few hours later. I had every intention of telling him that I could go, but once I heard his voice again, I decided to be mischievous.

“I have news for you, but I want to tell you in person. Can you come over?” As if he would tell me no.

“Sure I can come. I'll be there in about thirty minutes.”

While I waited for him, I pictured Brendan's face when I told him the news. I knew he would be ecstatic. I was nervous about the evening, but I was also excited to meet Daren. It seemed that he made Brendan really happy, and I wanted nothing more for my friend. Yet part of me still wished he and I could be together.

When Brendan arrived, I was already sitting on the porch. I watched him pull up to the curb and get out of Daren's car. He looked very handsome in his dark jeans and polo shirt. He waved to me and flashed that irresistible smile, making his deep brown eyes sparkle. I felt my cheeks fill with heat as I blushed and looked down. Before I knew it, I heard the familiar clink of the metal gate as he joined me in the yard.

“Hey, beautiful.” Even with a live-in boyfriend, Brendan was the constant charmer.

“Hey yourself. How are you?”

“Better now that I'm with you.” He took a seat next to me. “You had some news, right? And I'm guessing this has to do with my invitation? Are you able to come?”

“Yes, yes, and yes,” I joked.

Brendan gasped. “Really? They are going to let you come?”

“Yeah, they are. Listen, I need you to know that I told my mom everything about last night. I told her about Daren, and I told her about the HIV.” I could see the shock on his face. He was astonished that I was so honest with my mother.

“Brendan, I decided a long time ago that I was tired of keeping secrets from my parents; you need to know that if we are going to be friends.”

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised after all I put you through, but I am. I think I underestimated the relationship you have with your mom.”

“Yes, you probably did,” I admitted. “But also, things are a lot different than they were two years ago. I am very different. I mean, you can't just leave for two years and expect to find the same girl you left behind.”

Brendan dropped his eyes and hung his head a little. “I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry for everything. Not just for leaving, but for leaving the way I did and for hurting you so badly. If I had the chance to take it back...”

“You know what, stop. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm over it, and you have Daren now so let's just move on. I'll come to dinner, and it will all be okay.”

His beautiful smile returned.

We set a date for a week later and figured out all the logistics. Mom would take me to their place for dinner at six, and then Brendan would bring me home when we were finished. I had every faith things really were going to be okay. I could not have been more wrong.

I spent a long time--well, a long time for me--getting ready for my dinner with Brendan and Daren. First I could not decide what to wear, and then I wasn't sure what I wanted my hair to look like. Should I wear a lot of eye shadow and play up my eyes, or should I go for subtle beauty? I could try to deny how unsettled I really was about the whole thing, but my actions were speaking louder than my words. And it wasn't just meeting Daren that had my stomach in knots. I was finally able to push that aside and make some decisions so that when my clock said 5:20, I was ready to go.