Tough Love (7 page)

Before entering the room, I had to wash and dry my hands and put on a mask. Brendan was already so sick; the doctors did not want to risk any more infections. I followed directions and took a big breath.

You can do this,
I told myself as I walked through the door.

Brendan was lying in the middle of the bed, eyes closed, with what seemed like a hundred tubes leading to and from his body. In addition to a feeding tube, a trach tube, and oxygen, he had a heart monitor, three IV lines and a blood pressure cuff. I could hear the steady rhythm of the oxygen machine mixing with his heartbeat, creating an odd, eerie musical in the room.

His auburn hair was clean and shorter than I remembered, but it was still feathered around his too-pale face. He was so thin; too thin for his 5'10” frame. It was obvious he was sick.

But all I could see was the alluring young man who had made me feel like a woman that summer before he broke my heart.

JULY HAD BEEN perfect, if you could call sneaking out of the house perfect. My parents did not want Brendan around, so we would meet anywhere we could. Sometimes it was Food Town; other times it was the park. I told myself being with him was all that mattered. If my family didn’t like it, too bad.

I detested what was happening. I’d never been one of those “good girls” who hated being good; I was proud to be a young woman who loved her family and her God. This relationship was pushing me away from both of those things, yet I couldn’t stop myself. Brendan made me feel sexy and grown-up.

As difficult as it was for me, Brendan had to sneak around as well. Justin and Greg did not want us together, so we had to work around their schedule. I wanted to be brave enough to ask Brendan why he stayed with them if he wanted me so much, but I never could dig up the courage. I was afraid if I pushed him at all, he might end up choosing them instead of me.

Even with all of these obstacles in our way, we managed to be with each other every second we could.

It was during a normal rendezvous at the park that Brendan decided to spring some news on me. He was going to Florida on vacation with Justin and Greg.

“How long are you going to be gone?” I asked.

“I’m not sure. We don’t really have a timeline to follow.”

“Oh,” I pouted as I pulled him into an embrace, wrapping my arms around his neck. “What am I going to do without you here? You’re my whole life.”

He lifted my chin with a finger and bent down to kiss me.

“The good news is that we aren’t leaving until next week. Plus, I’m not going to be gone forever, and I have something to ask you when I get back.”

He was searching my face for some trace of understanding. When it was obvious that I was not following him, he added, “It’s just that I have this dream about you and I being together. And I don’t mean staying boyfriend and girlfriend forever.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. My 16-year-old heart was enamored with this man. I could not have been more infatuated by the thought of this bad boy actually loving me – settling down and being monogamous.

“You know what, don’t answer now,” he continued. “Think about it, though. Will you promise me that?”

I was still rather awestruck at the notion of being engaged at 16, so I just nodded.

He leaned down and kissed me again. All sense of right and wrong vanished the moment our lips touched. Brendan and I would stay together. He was going to figure out how to break things off with Justin and Greg. I would need to find a way to tell my folks this was what I wanted.

I stopped kissing him long enough to say, “I love you” against the skin of his chest.

He turned my face up toward the sky, kissing my neck. He whispered, “Will you marry me?” but his mouth overtook mine again before I could answer.

“Brendan,” I whispered between kisses. “I need to get home.” I was breathless.

He stopped kissing me, but our lips did not separate.

“Are you sure?” he moaned.

I sighed. “Yes, I’m sure. Dad will be home in twenty minutes.”

Our lips separated. I opened my eyes and intertwined our fingers.

“Walk me home?”

“Of course.”

On the way home I reminded him that we had a date to watch our favorite television show together that Thursday.

“Mom even said we can watch it at my house, but she has to stay in the room.”

“Well, that’s no fun,” he said with a gleam in his eye.

“Babe!” I protested.

“I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he promised.

That night, without Brendan’s kisses to cloud my judgment, I began to think more clearly about his proposal. I knew that I loved him, but I also knew what was best. Even with the explosions of feelings inside, my conscious was screaming
NO!
Little did I know that he was about to make my decision very easy.

The next day came and went, and there was still no sign of Brendan. It was out of character for him to not at least call, and I was getting worried. His trip was approaching so fast. I was scared I might not see him before they left. I sat down and wrote him a note:

By the time Saturday evening came, I had to know what was happening. I called Grandma Nancy to see what was going on. It was Hannah who answered the phone.

“Hey, Hannah, it’s Janessa. Is Brendan around? I haven’t seen him all week.”

“No, he’s not here. I think he’s over at his brother’s house. He told you that he’s moving in with them right? With Uncle Terry and Aunt Becky?”

Did I just hear her right? This was the news that I’d been waiting for. My heart swelled with pride when I realized what he must have done. He’d actually told Justin and Greg he was leaving them and that I was the one he wanted to be with. We
were
going to be together forever, because I was going to say yes to his proposal.

Not wanting to let Hannah in on our secret, I kept my composure while I answered her question.

“No, he didn’t tell me that. What about Justin and Greg? Are they still going on vacation to Florida?”

“Actually they’re moving there, but Uncle Brendan doesn’t want to go, so he’s gonna stay here.”

I was exhilarated. I wasn’t sure that I could keep it together any longer, so I told Hannah that I would call Terry’s place and talk to Brendan. When she and I hung up, I danced around my room until I fell onto my bed in jubilant laughter.

Since I was going to be busy the next day at our church picnic, I decided to call him right then instead of waiting until morning. Frustration overtook my excitement when the babysitter said he wasn’t there. I left my name and number with her, and then sat down to write Brendan another note.

I tried to stay up late, but the emotional roller coaster I’d been on with Brendan lately had me very tired. I fell asleep and dreamt of a big, elaborate wedding that was held in a beautiful church. Brendan was standing at the front of my church, watching his bride approach the altar. His intended was stunning in a wedding dress and long veil made of lace and crystals, the intricate pattern making it impossible to see her face. The perfect ceremony concluded. Brendan lifted the veil and gave his bride the sweetest kiss. He pulled back smiling, as the happy couple turned to face their guests. It was then that I realized I was not the bride. I was sitting in the audience.

I woke up in a cold sweat, breathing hard. I walked to the bathroom in a daze and splashed some cold water on my face. The sun was just beginning to break over the horizon, not quite 7:00 a.m. I walked back to my room and lay down on my bed, thinking about the dream. There was no hidden meaning; everything was perfectly clear. Could this be why he had been so distant lately?

The church picnic went off without a hitch. I soaked Mom in the balloon toss, and Steve won the watermelon seed-spitting contest. We sang some of my favorite hymns and choruses. All around, it was a great day.

Aimee was waiting on the front porch when we got home. By the time Dad pulled the car around back and we got out, she was by my side.

“Hey!” I said. “I haven’t seen you all day. Wait, what’s wrong?”

“We need to talk.” I could see the angst written on her face. Something was going on, and it was something she felt I needed to know right then.

“Mom, Aimee and I are going up to my room.”

“Okay, honey. Hi, Aimee,” Mom said with a wave.

We walked in through the kitchen and up the back stairs. Once we were in my room, she shut the door and sat next to me on the bed.

“What’s going on?” I was almost afraid to ask. Could this be what I had feared since my dream last night?

“Grandma Nancy called today and asked me to tell you something. There is no easy way to say this so I’m just gonna come out with it. She thinks that Brendan is seeing another girl.”

“She
thinks
so? Does she have any proof? Is she sure?” I jumped up from the bed and paced the room.

“No, not really. But he’s been spending a lot of time over at Terry and Becky’s place, and this girl has been hanging out there a lot, too.”

I breathed a big, heavy sigh. Once again, my world was falling apart. Bad enough that I had to compete against two men for his attention. Now there was another girl, too? I wanted to scream.

“I knew he’d been over to Terry’s more frequently. In fact, Hannah said he was going to move in with them, but Justin and Greg were still going to Florida.”

Aimee nodded. “Grandma Nancy told me that, too.”

“Well, I had planned on calling him later tonight. I’ll just ask him straight out.”

“Janessa, hello? You honestly think that he’s going to tell you the truth? C’mon, are we even talking about the same guy?”

Aimee was right. There was no way he would tell me the truth. Honesty was never one of Brendan’s strong suits. Still, though, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted him to have the chance to tell me the truth.

“I know I’m an idiot, but I have to try. Okay?”

Aimee shrugged and nodded, knowing she wasn’t going to win the argument this time.

After Aimee left, I took stock of my crazy day. Things had been so out of sync, I had just realized Brendan never called me back from the night before. I got settled on my bed, picked up the phone and dialed the familiar numbers to Terry’s place. Brendan answered the phone.