Too Busy for Your Own Good (59 page)

Love that you're forty (or fifty, sixty, seventy). You earned it!

It's true that no man (or woman) is an island. I agree with Margaret Mead's statement that “One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night.” And I don't believe that just any old “someone” will do. When it comes to balancing your life, your friends and lovers are either contributing to it or contaminating it. Therefore, it's time to really scrutinize those folks you allow in your life.

My first book,
Finding Love (Again!)
, was focused on dating and finding the right partner. After being widowed at
twenty-six, I spent twenty years (and sixteen days and five hours) dating and researching dating skills before I married my husband. I know what works and doesn't work. One thing I know for sure is that looking for the right person for the right reasons and doing it right is like having an extra job. And in order to meet the right person,
you must first be the right person
.

I have personally coached dozens of men and women to find love and have given seminars on dating to thousands. I've heard so many stories and challenges, heartbreaks and breakups from both sexes that I rarely get surprised anymore. It takes energy, time, and money to look for love. Many times I have shocked someone by telling him or her to not date or even think about looking for love! My best advice I give you here:

Go on a dating fast and don't date
anyone
. This is especially necessary if you've just gotten out of a bad relationship or have been dating a lot of “junk food” (dating bad people or those who just got out of a bad relationship). Your heart and mind need a break in order to tune in to what you really want and need in a companion.

Stop worrying about finding “the one.”
It dilutes your energy and focus for a balanced life, and you'll be putting out a desperate vibe that drives love
away
from you.

Stop listening to your biological clock ticking
. Fulfill your nurturing needs by taking care of the child inside of you.

Stop looking, scheming, and thinking you
need
a partner
. Maybe the path of your purpose is to be single right now.

Become the kind of person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life
. How can you
attract and keep Mr. or Ms. Right if you're all wrong? Practice kindness, clean up your credit, keep your promises, save some money, honor your commitments, make your house a home.

Use your dating fast as impetus to de-busify your life quicker
. Hormones and the urge to mate is the strongest force you've got in your arsenal against your crazy-busy lifestyle.

If you're married (estranged or separated), learn to love the mate you have better, stronger, deeper
. The grass is usually
not
greener, so consider personal help or couples' counseling.

Many years ago, I attended a financial conference that offered a panel of millionaires giving tips for becoming rich. All of them agreed that marrying the right person directly influences your millionaire status. They didn't mean to marry a high earner or someone with a large inheritance. Rather, they concurred that a person with your same values and goals will enable you to
stay
married, thusly avoiding divorce. Therefore, I say,
choose wisely
.

Another way you can add balance to your life with regard to other people is to cut down on doing the favors they ask of you. You know the friends and family members who ask ever so nicely, “Could you pleeease do this one little favor for me?” You know when it's not really little and when it's a demand instead of a favor. And at times they get mad at you because you don't acquiesce. Doing some favors here and there is the mark of a good friend or relative, but there's a fine line between being a good friend and being a doormat. Eventually too many of these little favors can add up if you're not
careful and take up a wide chunk of your schedule. If you feel yourself being oppressed by too many favors, just say no.

Here are the keys to refusing those people you don't work with who ask too many favors and aren't gracious when you refuse:

Don't explain why you can't
. “Gosh, no, I can't do that for you.”

Don't apologize
. “No, that's family day around here.”