To Say Goodbye (28 page)

His face tightened now with the memory of that time. “I was a broken man, too. I was in the same boat.”

“I know. But somehow, together, we sort of crawled our way out of the hole, huh? We crawled back to life, with each other. And it’s been crazy and unexpected and messy. We’ve gone back and forth. We’ve tried to quit this. But we can’t. Because Jackson, together, we’re so much better. We’re better people. We’re better versions of ourselves. And this baby, well, this baby has just made everything even clearer. I didn’t want Tim to die. I didn’t want to lose the life I had. But with you, Jackson, I’ve realized I haven’t lost my life completely. I’ve found a way to look past not only my driveway, but past myself. I can see happiness again in a life with you.”

“Me too, Sophia. I love you.”

“I love you, too. So much. Therefore, date thirteen is a simple date.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Date thirteen is us sitting here, talking, sipping grape juice.”

He blinked.

She laughed. “I know, you think I’m crazy, right?”

“No. I think it’s fine. I’ll sit here on this bench for eternity with you.”

“Really?”

“Can I get to at least second base while on this bench?”

“No.”

“Then I retract my statement.”

“Well, let me finish. We sit here on this bench. Then...”

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Then we go home. To our home.”

He smirked, wanting to make sure he heard her right. “Our home?”

“Yes. Here,” she said, reaching back into the basket. She pulled out a picture frame.

In the frame was the picture from their special night, the carriage ride when they first really admitted this was going somewhere.

“I thought it would look good on our mantle.”

He took the picture from her, knowing without a doubt she was in it for real. He set the picture on the bench seat beside him, put his glass on the ground, and took her face in both his hands. He kissed her long and hard. He kissed away the grape juice from her lips. He kissed away so much more, too. He kissed away all the doubts, fears, and denials they’d lived through. He kissed away the pain of loss.

He kissed away the Sophia and Jackson they had been up until a moment ago. He kissed them right into their new life together.

When they were breathless, she silently reached down, dumped out their grape juice, and tossed the glasses haphazardly into the basket. He grabbed their picture and offered her his arm.

They strolled peacefully down the street again, silence returning. There was nothing to say in this moment, this perfect moment. They were on the same page, finally.

He was ready, so ready, to start living his pages with her.

SOPHIA

T
he sun’s rays danced around the room, imploring Sophia to wake up. She slowly opened her eyes, the brightness of the summer day contradicting what this day now symbolized.

Death. Loss. Grief.

Sheer tragedy.

Her chest heaved with the weight of the date, with the remembrance of where she had been exactly one year ago today. The phone call. The debilitating news. Life forever changed.

Tears welled, a sign of how today would be. She hadn’t expected any less. Everyone told her the first anniversary was the worst. Still, how did you prepare for something like this? How could you possibly get your emotions ready to face the day everything changed?

A year ago, she’d thought she’d wanted nothing more than to curl up and die, too. She’d been cloaked in the blackness of the news and of the gloomy outlook of a life without Tim. Her life was over, in her mind. She would never smile again, never get rid of the stabbing pain threatening to bowl her over.

The past year had been a windy road of sadness, overwhelming depression, and recovery. Swiping at her eyes, she felt Jackson stir, his arms pulling her in tight under the quilt. The warmth of his body soothed her, even if just a little. She was glad she wasn’t waking up alone.

At one point, this mere thought would’ve brought waves of guilt. On the anniversary of Tim’s death, waking up with another man would have horrified her.

So much had changed.

The love she’d found with Jackson had changed her.

In a seemingly impossible situation, he’d brought light back to her life. He’d opened her cold, dead heart again to possibility. He’d radiated life through her veins when she’d wanted nothing but non-existence.

Today was going to be hard, there was no doubt about that. She’d cry a lot today. She’d think about all they’d lost, think about all Tim had lost. She’d drown herself in memories of Tim, of a life they thought was untouchable.

She still loved him. She always would.

Still, Jackson had taught her it was okay to love Tim and move on. Her heart didn’t have to be mutually exclusive. Giving her heart away again, finding happiness with Jackson didn’t mean she was disrespecting Tim or letting him go completely. She’d learned over the past year the heart was flexible. It could wrap itself, twist itself in ways unexpected.

She hadn’t expected to wake up with Jackson’s arms around her, hadn’t planned on falling for him. The heart, though, was sometimes an uncontrollable entity driven by passion, chemistry, and connection—things she and Jackson definitely shared.

She put a hand on her growing belly, stroking it as she did every morning. After a long moment, she rolled into Jackson, kissing him softly, tears still rolling down her cheeks. He groaned, sleepiness wearing off and awareness taking its place.

“Hey,” he whispered, kissing her forehead.

“Hey,” she said, her voice cracking.

They didn’t say anything more. They didn’t have to. They both knew what today was, knew how momentous it was. They both knew there was nothing Jackson could say to ease the burden. Today would be awkward for both of them, a day to remember the past.

But Sophia knew they’d get through—together. Yesterday, Jackson had offered to give her the day to grieve in private. She’d wanted nothing of the sort, though. She knew Jackson was as essential to her survival of today as anything. She needed him by her side. She needed him to talk about Tim, to remember.

She needed him, plain and simple.

They spent a long time just basking in each other’s arms. No words, no suggestive touches passed between them. They simply reveled in the comfort of each other, understanding between them unspoken.

“Are you ready?” Jackson whispered a while later, his voice wistful.

She nodded, doing the thing she thought she’d never do on a day like today.

She got out of bed.

She rose to face the day, the unspoken mission ahead of her. They dressed, both in black, and walked through their morning routine. When they were both ready, he took her hand and they sauntered outside into the bright day.

_______________

“Do you want some time alone?” Jackson asked after they’d each placed a white rose on Tim’s grave. They were sitting in the grass, side by side, cross-legged like innocent schoolchildren. Sophia played with a rogue dandelion growing beside the grave.

She glanced at him, his steel gray eyes both pained and comforting.

“No,” she whispered. “Stay.”

Jackson nodded, putting an arm around her. They sat for a few moments in silent reverence of the grave, of the day, of the memories.

Finally, the words came to her, the words she needed to say.

“I miss you, Tim. I miss you so much. I hope wherever you are, you’re doing okay. We’re doing okay here, in spite of everything.”

Tears stopped her, choked her up. She had so much more she wanted to say, so much more she wanted to confess. She wanted to tell Tim about the baby, about Jackson. She wanted to talk about their memories, revisit the past. She wanted to apologize for things she was still clinging to, fights they’d left unresolved, moments she hadn’t appreciated him. She wanted to talk about her life now, tell him the details of how she was getting it together.

The words failed her, the heaviness of the day weighing on her. She couldn’t say the words, couldn’t say any more.

Jackson put an arm around her now, pulling her in. She cried on his shoulder.

“He knows, Sophia. He knows you love him.”

They were words a man should be jealous of, words most men wouldn’t want to hear or admit. Yet Jackson, the selfless man he was, could say exactly what she needed to hear. He always recognized what she needed. No matter how hard it might be to admit the woman he was in love with still left a piece of her heart here at a gravestone, he said the words she so desperately needed assurance of.

“I love you,” she said, turning to him. She knew today would be tough, but she hadn’t realized how debilitating the resurgence of pain would be. Thankfully, she wasn’t alone.

Tim was gone. That fact still remained true. However, in Jackson she’d found a man she could see a new forever with, a man who helped her dream again.

They sat for a while longer, Sophia lost in memories. They didn’t verbalize their stories. This wasn’t the place. They sat, hand in hand, remembering the man who had touched both of their lives.

Then, after a while, Sophia swiped at her tears and stood. Jackson followed suit.

“Are you ready to head home?” Jackson questioned, kissing her on the forehead. “No rush, of course.”

Sophia took a step closer to the headstone, stooping down to touch the cold, hard stone. She contemplated the idea in her head for a moment. It was what she wanted to do. It was what she needed.

So she turned to Jackson after straightening back up. “Can we stop somewhere first?”

“Yeah, baby. Wherever you want.”

“I thought we could go to Mama’s.”

Jackson froze, clearly not sure how to respond. “Honey, I don’t know...”

She nodded, taking a deep breath. “I haven’t been there since Tim died. It’s a place of so many memories. I don’t want those memories to die. I know it’s sort of strange asking you to go with me. But I want to honor Tim. I want to know I’ll never let go of that part of my life completely.”

“Sophia, it’s not weird. I’m not hesitant because of how I’ll feel. I’m just worried it will be hard for you.”

“It will. But I don’t want to spend my life avoiding places, memories. I want to remember Tim, but I want to move on, too. Will you go with me? I don’t think I could go there alone. With you, I think I’ll be strong enough.”

“Whatever you want.”

She nodded. She knew it was a strange request, taking Jackson to the place that symbolized her life with Tim. In a way, it was fitting. Mama’s was where her life with Tim began. She wanted to start a new tradition, a new start with Jackson.

She would never say goodbye to her memories with Tim, but she would say hello to new memories. She would march toward the future, a mix of the woman she had been before and the woman she was now.

Jackson and Sophia went to the restaurant. Her heart was heavy when she walked in, and she was teary when she saw the booths that reminded her of those monumental times.

But over spaghetti and lasagna, she and Jackson did the best thing they could have on a day like today. They talked about Tim. They shared in memories. They toasted to the man who had meant so much to both of them.

They walked out, leaning on each other, moving on together in a world without Tim, a world that a year ago had seemed impossible to survive.

SOPHIA

“Y
ou sure you don’t want to change your mind? I don’t want you regretting this.”

“If not wearing a veil is my biggest regret, I’m golden,” Stella said, blowing a piece of her pink hair from her eyes. They were in the tiny bathroom, putting the finishing touches on their makeup. Sophia stood in her turquoise, skin-tight dress—for the first time, she had to completely comply with Stella’s wardrobe choice for her—and her dolphin earrings. She looked... well... interesting, especially with the dress clinging to her bulging belly-bump. There was nothing left to the imagination, and she felt a little bit like a bloated whale in the dress. But Stella was happy, which was all that mattered today.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Stella said, turning to her. Even on her wedding day, she was still worried about her.

“Are you kidding? It’s your freaking wedding day. I’m thrilled!” She leaned in to hug Stella. The thing was, she
was
thrilled.

A year ago, this scene would have been impossible. She wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Now, she knew she could brave it. She could more than brave being maid of honor in her best friend’s wedding. She could enjoy it.

Part of it was time. Time didn’t heal wounds, but it did make them a little duller. She still missed Tim. Some days were harder than others. Some days, she was still angry the universe had ripped her perfect life apart. Some days when she saw his favorite television show or smelled a whiff of his cologne, she almost fell apart.

But the “some days” were getting farther apart and more bearable.

Part of it was time, but a big part of it was something else.

Jackson.

He didn’t replace Tim. He never could. She wouldn’t want him to. But he did remind her life was for living. He made her smile. He made her excited.

Hand resting on her belly bump, she smiled. Life was moving on. There were so many beautiful moments to grab. She was ready to grab them.

“I think we should go. Jackson just texted to say Larry is ready,” Sophia said after her phone buzzed. Jackson was a groomsman, and Larry’s brother was the best man.

“Okay, let’s do this,” Stella said, not an ounce of nerves apparent.

They marched out to the lobby area, a red rose in each of their hands. Stella’s sister and parents were waiting in the lobby as well, ready to walk down the makeshift aisle.

The aquarium was eerily quiet. Larry had paid extra to have it shut down for the wedding. At first, the aquarium wasn’t sure how to handle such a request—they probably didn’t have many couples beg to get married there. But, after some coaxing, they complied.

So, here they were. A group of thirty of Stella and Larry’s best friends and family ready to watch them say vows by the dolphin enclosure.